There’s a great discussion going on at Evan Marc Katz’s blog where he asks the question, should I date a 7 or hold out for a 10? The gist of what he’s saying (forgive me for paraphrasing this badly) is that most people with 10 looks are screwed up and it’s better to go for the stable, well rounded 7, because they make better life partners. One thread in the comments is that the perfect 10, someone who is a 10 in looks AND in personality, is so rare, that it is folly to hold out for them. I advised readers to hold out for 10′s and I got dinged pretty good in comments (which was actually totally cool).
I have several points I want to make:
1. When I describe looks to my pals, I’ll say things like cute, hot, smoking, a babe, gorgeous, etc etc. I don’t use numbers. Any one of those labels would do it for me when considering dating a chick. I’m definitely looking for someone that I’m highly attracted to, but I’m not holding out for a trophy.
2. I have unique tastes in the physical. What I like the next guy might hate. I happen to have a thing for skinny, petite blondes with small boobs, while my roommate can’t stand those girls. To each their own. My 10 is your 6 and vice versa.
3. Almost every 7 (or any other number for that matter) I’ve ever met, and I’ve met plenty of them, has had some issue(s) that disqualified her. 7′s can be just as dumb, shallow, insecure, narcissistic, bitchy, controlling, tedious, and vacuous as the worst of the 10′s. Simply being average in looks doesn’t somehow make you a good person on the inside. In my opinion, MOST people are average in personality, regardless of looks.
4. Presentation and body language are big factors when calculating looks. A good looking, fit woman can wear an awesome outfit, have great hair, wear makeup, then stroll into a club and get labeled a 10 by half the dudes in the joint. The next day she’s picking the newspaper off her driveway and she’s only a 8, maybe a 7. So what does that mean? That means looks are malleable and the girls who leverage their looks and end up having crappy personalities are really just 7′s anyways.
(What do you think, 7′s or 10′s?)
To extend my thought about malleability, people can change and improve virtually all aspects of their lives, including looks. I wrote a post about this some time ago, where I said that it’s important to grade yourself critically in the areas of looks, intelligence, personality, and social value, so that you can begin to define a route to get your personal 10. To use another example, you can take a homely, overweight dude who is a 5 in looks and jump him up several notches by overhauling his presentation. He hits the gym and loses the weight, gets a tan, gets a cool haircut, upgrades his threads, fixes his posture and body language, and all of a sudden that guy is an 8. That’s a lot of work, but it’s worth it, and that’s a big part of social artistry.
What I don’t recommend, and I’m sure EMK would agree with me here, is for anyone to settle for mediocrity or merely being average. For me, life is all about growing as a person, fixing flaws, making the best of myself, and improving my life. I think you should have tough, yet reasonable standards. Saying go for the stable 7 sounds to me like it’s okay to settle, and that sounds to me like it’s okay to be lazy and not put in the work. It sounds like grab the first semi-cute girl that you have okay attraction with and figure out a way to make an LTR work. But that never works. Unless you’re one of the lucky few who finds the perfect partner right out of the gate, you’re going to have work your ass off and go on a lot of dates to find someone who is a great partner. No, don’t go hunting for trophies, but yes, work hard and hold out for the great match who is also very attractive.
My deal is this. I work my ass off to be a better person every day by studying personal development, through online and offline discussion, by going out in the field and experimenting and meeting new people. I work hard on communication and connecting with people and sharing my positivity. I stay fit so that I have a healthy mind and body. I try to bring value to those around me. I put in a big effort, much bigger than most people, and I feel like I’m earning that partner who is a 10. What’s wrong with that?
If you’ve ever broken up with your exe, you might also like these fine posts: