What Do I Think About Chicks Making The First Move?

First off, I want to give big ups to everyone who is participating in our Kickass Contest. We can’t wait to see all of the perspectives. This is what the blogosphere is all about, people. The fact that we can put single mothers, pickup artists, and late 20’s virgins in the same space is awesome. And $25 Borders gift cards.

Okay, I’m on the road for work and wanted to pump out a quick post. There’s a great thread on Evan Marc Katz’s blog, which you can find here, entitled, “Should Women Ask Men Out On First Dates?”

EMK says no, and the gist of the post is a) women should send the signals and put themselves in a position to be asked out, then b) men need to pull the trigger. If it goes the other way, it messes up the sexual tension (EMK calls it polarity, which is a David Deida thing) and this goes against our masculine/feminine nature. I’m down with all that. I believe in the male-female polarity concept, and for like 99% of relationship stuff I think it’s gold. Incidentally, when women send out the signals, I call that girly telepathy. She’s using her mind powers to induce you to take her on a date.

The conflict I’m having is this. If a chick asked me out first, that act alone would not emasculate me nor flip the polarity. I’ve been asked out before and, besides some surprise and delight, it’s a neutral act. Women initiate sex all the time. Girlfriends ask their boyfriends to go to dinner. Women ask men to dance. Where the sexual tension issue comes into play is during the process of flirting and generating attraction. If she’s doing all the heavy lifting of creating attraction, then you’ve got a problem. This process needs to be lead by the dude.

So, if she asks you out, you simply need to take the lead and go from there. Your manhood stays intact.

So that’s why I think it’s okay if a woman asked a man out on a first date. We live in a post-modern world, and I think chicks should go for it.

Honey, what’s your take?

  • http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com Hot Alpha Female

    Hmmmm well I reckon that you bring up some great points at the same time im not sure if i agree with you.

    Let me ask you a question lance … which girl would you be more inclined to chase.

    A) Hot chick who approaches you, flirts with you and you can clearly tell that she is in to you. N of course asks you out on a date or what not.

    B) Hot chick who is kind of doing her own thing, gives you an occasional flirty smile now and then but your not sure if she likes you or not.

    Notice i said “inclined to chase”. I dunno, I mean before you were talking about the challenge. N i just don’t see being that easy and approaching a guy and asking him out really helps with that whole challenging thing.

    At the same time i do see where you are coming from, because it can be refreshing for a girl to approach you as well.

    I know that this is about girls approaching guys, but in terms of just being challenging in general. Everyone loves that little bit of mystery and that little bit of being hard to get.

    For instance the whole reason why great PUA’s are so successful is because they are also able to gain that control, have a bit of mystery about them and all that stuff. But I’m just saying the average guy would prolly be blown out of the water, intimidated or lose interest.


    Hot Alpha Female’s last blog post..What Defines A Successful Relationship? Its Not What You Think!

  • http://www.theseductionbible.com Bobby Rio

    I tend to agree with HAF… while occasionally its nice to be the one pursued, i no doubt will get bored a whole lot sooner.

    Plus when I don’t believe i’ve worked for it I don’t appreciate it as much.

    I’ve had girls ask me out (in more subtle ways) and have had a great time, but the girls I really fell for were the ones I had to chase a bit.

    Interesting question though!

    Bobby Rio’s last blog post..10 Ways to Immediately Make Yourself More Attractive

  • http://www.mssinglemama.com Ms. Single Mama

    This is so funny because I’d say 80% of the time I’m the one doing the asking. Maybe it’s because I’m impatient, bold and have no fear – but waiting for you guys to get the hint takes forever!

    Being a single mom also makes it much, much harder to play any kinds of flirt and tease games.

    But I have never been denied by a guy when I ask him out…I think men like it. I know you guys like the chase more than anything, but getting asked out by a woman is also incredibly flattering for men and they usually take the bait.

    Ms. Single Mama’s last blog post..One bitchin? hang over.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Great post, Lance! I have a lot to say, per usual, so I’m going to post my reply as a blog.

  • http://taoistbiker.wordpress.com Taoist Biker

    I actually blogged about this at the request of a reader about six months ago. Here is the link.

    In general, I’m all for it, as my closing argument of the above blog says: “if ever there’s a girl out there who’s willing and able to ride you like a stolen Ducati, it’s a gal with the independence, confidence, assertiveness, and brass ovaries to seek you out if she decides she’s interested.”

    Taoist Biker’s last blog post..Monday Music

  • http://honeyandlance.com/contact Lance

    I’ve done a bunch more thinking on this subject and wanted to followup.

    I see three interesting points in the scenario described above. First, the chick approaches the guy and opens him. Second, she either does the chasing or he does the chasing. Third, one of them closes, ie asks for the date.

    For the first point, it doesn’t matter who opens. The more I think about it, the more I realize that women open all the time. They’re just subtle about it. They might not be saying exactly, “Hey, you’re hot, I want to take you home,” but they’re aggressive enough that you know precisely what the intention is. They use body language, touch, and sexy rhetoric to get you to close them.

    For the second point, the guy should always lead the process of attraction. By this I mean flirting, building comfort, and setting up the deal. What EMK is addressing in his post is the closing the deal part, where the chick asks the guy out on a date. This doesn’t happen that often, but I still think it happens. I prefer that the guy closes.

    If done properly, the chick can set up a close and have it remain neutral. She simply says, “I’m having a great time talking to you, what are you doing this weekend?”

    At which point, you do the actual closing by saying, “Cool, me too, let’s do drinks at Blue Martini on Friday.”

    So I guess the difference is the girl can SET up the close, and the guy has to do the actual closing for it to work properly. So, in the end, I actually do agree with EMK.

    Unfortunately, since I rarely get approached or asked out, this is all theoretical.

  • http://cheekiebacktalk.blogspot.com cheekie

    You know I have to throw my 2 cents in here right?
    My name isn’t Cheekie for nuthin’…lol

    I am in agreement again with Lance ( which is starting to scare me with it’s frequency)…I like to set up, but call me old fashioned, I like the guy to close. I’m pretty ballsy, but like a little chase, what can I say??? lol

    I usually slip the guy my number (after some damn good flirting) and leave the next step to him…

    I have asked guys out before, have gone out and then usually we end up being just friends.
    Maybe it just doesn’t work for me, but I DO believe it works for some women.
    (oh and I’m a single mom too…a really lazy one though…lol)

  • J

    I’ve never seen it work long term when the girl asks the guy out. The man might be flattered. He may date you, have sex with you, but he will become comfortable with your pursuit and let you do all the work. A perfect example is my best friend. She asked him out, they dated, he even married her — but it turns out he is gay.

  • http://honeyandlance.com/contact Lance

    Doh! I feel that pain. She needs to upgrade her gaydar…

    I’ve been reading some of the other comments and threads, it appears that it does work occasionally. Looks like Taoist Biker, one of our recent commenters, was asked out by his current wife.