Comments on: Revelations Part III: What’s Your Fighting Style?

By: Honey

Honey — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 14:25:57 +0000

Thanks for the comment, gil. I agree completely – you can’t change someone. They have to change themselves!
Honey´s last blog …One Super Important Thing I Learned From Dating Three Chicks At Once

By: gil martinelli

gil martinelli — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 13:45:59 +0000

Are you out of your mind. Your bf is a drunk and a cheater. If you think you’ll change him, forget it. If you think he’ll get better, forget it. As I’ve always said losers derseve losers. Good luck. You’ll need it!

By: lisaq

lisaq — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 11:09:34 +0000

Perhaps one of the greatest lessons I learned from the 5 Love Languages is being aware of your partner’s language can improve relationships and get them back on track. Though I’m not in a relationship currently, I’ve noticed that I try to take love languages into account in my relationships with friends and family and that it has, indeed, improved all of my relationships. Sometimes being aware is the most important first step.
lisaq´s last blog …Screw Cupid: The Sassy Girl’s Guide to Picking Up Hot Guys

By: Lance

Lance — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 19:12:30 +0000

That’s very interesting about the 5 love styles. I was alluding to that in my recent posts on the volatility of early dating and I even used the term love style! I express love with physical touch and I need to receive love with affirmations. I have trained myself to give love also with affirmations and quality time, in that order of preference and skill level.

I strongly believe the love styles have a drastic affect on attraction and the early dating stages, to the point where it will make or break you. My idea is that you want to figure out the other person’s love style asap in order to be able to be able to attract and communicate properly. Obviously, you’ll want to know your own style as well.
Lance´s last blog …Seducing A Sagittarius Is A Big Pain In My Ass

By: Honey

Honey — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 16:20:55 +0000

@ Janak, when I was in 6th or 7th grade I won second prize in a countywide “extemporaneous essay contest” on the Bill of Rights. Jake found it in a box of my stuff one day, and he was like, “what’s extemporaneous?” When I explained, he said, “You knew enough about the Bill of Rights in SEVENTH GRADE to write that!?!”

It’s a challenge to not go by your own instincts, but can be a worthy endeavor, I think.

@ Simon, glad you’re back around! Yes, it’s super hard to find a partner right for you, and as I’ve discovered, that doesn’t even mean all the hard stuff is over. I’ve heard it said that a good relationship makes your joy twofold and your sorrow only half, but in my experience it can be difficult to help someone with their daily frustrations, even (perhaps especially) if there’s nothing you can really do to make things better for them.

@ demeter – I agree! And it’s a lot harder to revise a person’s impression than it is to revise an e-mail
Honey´s last blog …Revelations Part III: What’s Your Fighting Style?

By: demetershouse

demetershouse — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 02:51:38 +0000

Like you, I too consider myself a writer, not a speaker. I’m awesome at speaking extemporaneously in my professional world, but when it comes to my personal world, I need time to think, write, revise. If I speak in the moment I almost always feel, an hour or a day later, that it really wasn’t what I meant to say at all . . . and I have to go back to the person to revise it.
demetershouse´s last blog …How sad

By: Simon

Simon — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 23:52:13 +0000

I just read your last ten posts or so, since I’ve been out of the blogging world pretty much completely of late. I don’t know what it is about reading someone’s blog that is so damn intriguing, but I just love it. Yours in particular really makes me feel three things specifically:
1. the best way to understand relationships and friendships and general communication is to read about and talk to people who have experienced REAL FUCKING EVENTS. all this stuff we watch on tv is great and entertaining, and we definitely need it. but blogging is like watching a tv show that you don’t have to watch on tv……and you really get attached to the characters, because you know that they’re real people. it’s tantalizing.
2. you and jake make me want to scream sometimes because of how free flowing things are. and yet, i know that you struggle constantly. this in turn makes me believe that finding a successful partner is actually the hardest test we’re faced with. that’s why blogging in the relationship world is so difficult yet fun.
3. as a very social person who has lots of friends but not lots of real close ones, it’s hard not to want to meet you and all the characters in your life, however ancillary.

thanks.
Simon´s last blog …Missing Someone by Simon

By: Janak

Janak — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 23:09:54 +0000

Firstly, awesome that you managed to drop a word like “extemporaneously” in a post.

Secondly, I think my “fighting style” has been inspired by my father’s. On the rare occasions he gets angry he tends to blurt out curt, cutting statements directed at the target of his anger. I often respond the same way when I’m faced with a prolonged verbal attack or a relentless display of negativity or criticism (usually after quite a few minutes of biting my tongue first), and I usually regret it later. I associate this reaction with “losing my temper”.

However, if I’m presented with tears and despondency, I usually respond with a lot more compassion.

I guess the challenge for me is to short-circuit my suboptimal response and find a way of dealing with confrontation/conflict that’s more constructive.
Janak´s last blog …A Flowchart to Determing if You’re Going to Have Sex on this Date

By: Honey

Honey — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 17:44:12 +0000

This is interesting, Holly.

Jake and I both are invested in discussion and consensus, but the preferred timing and medium of the conversation are different for each of us. So we still have to work at it!
Honey´s last blog …Revelations Part III: What’s Your Fighting Style?

By: Holly Hoffman

Holly Hoffman — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 15:30:07 +0000

When I was in therapy, my therapist made me read a book called “Why Marriages Succeed (or Fail).” It was an awesome book because for one, no one had ever studied successful marriages before this study, only failed ones.

At any rate, the main tenet of the book is that you need to have the same “fighting” style, as you call it. There are basically 3 types: avoidant (we agree to disagree), passionate (we yell our way to agreement), and collaborative (we discuss & come to a consensus).

A collaborative will want to talk it out, which won’t work very well with an avoidant. A passionate and an avoidant are really not going to get along. It’s not to say that if you and your S.O. can’t work if you’re different styles, but like you said, need to work to understand each other.

I’m lucky enough to be with another collaborative for the first time in my romantic life. It’s easier when problems arise than it has been in the past. I have an aunt & an uncle who are passionates… it’s interesting to watch how that works for them, but it does.
Holly Hoffman´s last blog …Your touted “workaholism” isn’t a badge of honor