About the Author

Honey's main interests are online dating, long distance dating, and long term relationships. She met her boyfriend on MySpace and they have been exclusive since their first date over three years ago. Currently they live in Tempe, Arizona. Honey graduated with her PhD in Composition and Rhetoric in May 2009. You can contact Honey via email here or online here.

What If You Don’t Like His Friend?

Okay, so I don’t know if there’s anything that can really be done about this, but a) I figure you all will let me know if you can think of something, and b) at least this way I get to vent. The BF has a friend that I’m not crazy about. We’ll call him Dick. We’ve hung out with Dick and his girlfriend, Jane, at their house a couple of times. We’ve also hung out with just Dick (significant, as I’ll mention later) publicly–restaurants, beer fests, that sort of thing. Dick is fun enough, though you can tell that he thinks a lot more of himself than any other reasonable person would. But he’s done/said some smarmy things that make me kinda uncomfortable.

His Treatment of His GF

So this guy’s been with his girlfriend a couple years and they live together in her apartment. He’s hinted before (when with the BF, not around me) that he’s not completely happy with her for various reasons and wonders if they’re right for each other. Okay, fine, everyone feels this way to some extent at some point or another. But I guess Dick and the BF went out for drinks after work and Dick blatantly confessed to the BF that he was going to break up with Jane “as soon as something better comes along.” My guess is that’s why whenever we’ve hung out with him at a public venue he’s been sans Jane–he’s on the prowl. And I don’t think overlap of girlfriends would be a problem for him, because of the next thing:

His Lack of Respect for My Relationship

Recently the BF told Dick that he’d told me that he (the BF) had cheated in past relationships. The BF told me this because he wanted us to have a clean slate, and because he felt it was important to be truthful about his past if he wanted to build a future with me. The BF and I have talked about this (and I’ve done my share of cheating before, though I wouldn’t cheat on him) and we’re both comfortable with each others’ pasts. However, Dick was shocked by the fact that the BF had confessed this to me. Not because he was afraid it would cause trust issues in our relationship, but because I would be “on the alert” for such behavior and that would make it difficult for the BF to cheat on me. When the BF said that he didn’t cheat on me and never would, Dick was even more shocked! “Why on earth wouldn’t you cheat on her?” He asked. WTF?!?

I do not like this man. I have long had the sense that his fondest wish would be for the BF to break up with me so that he would have an excuse to ditch Jane and they could go on the prowl together. The BF is pretty appalled by these particular behaviors as well, and I have absolute faith that he’d never do anything like that. After all, I just moved in, and we are working on our finances so we can have a house and a wedding. Our relationship is moving forward. I trust him. I just don’t like this dude. However, he is a buddy from work and it is important for both myself and the BF to stay on good terms with him and be able to hang out with him socially.

Like I said, I don’t think there’s much I can do about this except be nice when I see him, try my best not to make snarky comments or warn Jane, and just pretend I don’t know this stuff. What do you think?

In other news, the BF and I are going to Seattle for Memorial Day Weekend, so I won’t be around to respond to comments until then. I’ve never been before, so I’m excited. Have a great weekend yourself, everyone!

  • http://40ssingleness.blogspot.com/ lisaq

    Dick is, well a dick. How horrible for Jane! Doesn’t she have any clue what she’s living with? I think I’d almost be tempted to give the poor girl a head’s up.

    lisaqs last blog post..Sex: How to do Everything

  • http://cheekiebacktalk.blogspot.com cheekie

    What a royal knob this ‘dick’ is.
    Best to stay way under that radar for sure.
    He’ll play himself into a big hole and have no one to come running to.
    This kind of high school crap he is pulling gets very, very tiresome to all involved. Even his ‘buddies’.

    He just sounds like a horrible, draining person to be around.
    I don’t think guys are as picky about their friends as we women are.
    No offense guys, but you all have at least one or two idiots that you continue to hang with even though they annoy the hell out of you.
    We women don’t do that, if I can’t respect my friend, or at least understand them, then they are not worth it and will only drag me down too.

    Tough situation!

  • http://honeyandlance.com/contact Lance

    Wow, this is a complicated one. This guy sounds like an asshole, but let’s put that aside for a minute. Assuming he’s having issues with his gf and he’s looking for something better, he or she needs to sack up and put the kibosh on the relationship. He’s just scared of being alone, which means he’s insecure with himself.

    The big problem I have with this guy is he’s completely dishonest. Dude, if you don’t like your gf, ditch her. Be a fucking man about it if you think you can find something better. Don’t live in a lie.

    I’m interested to know why Dick was shocked when your bf said he wouldn’t cheat on you. Does he think that all men should cheat, or just that the bf should cheat on you??

    If you really feel that strongly about Dick, I would either refuse to hang with him or try to tool him every time you see him. Basically, do the snarky comment thing. If he’s making your life uncomfortable with his BS, then you’re certainly entitled to the same back.

  • debra

    All guys have one of these ‘friends’, no idea why. They’re generally as annoyed / appalled by their behavior at you are as the gf, yet they tolerate it. As draining as it must be to be around this guy, you said it’s important for both of you to be able to stay on good terms with him because of work? Listen to your own instincts on this one….be nice when you see him, refrain from making the snarky comments, and pretend you don’t know what’s going on….just keep the peace, if the peace must be kept.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    @Debra + Cheekie, I know that many guys have these friends…and the BF has others like them. I think that somehow guys are able to compartmentalize a little more and say “as long as I only hang out with him/her ___ times a week under ___ circumstances,” then they’re fine with it. I find I’m not really capable of hanging out with people I don’t respect.

    @lisaq, I know, it’s horrible! The BF said that if their relationship is that bad that she’s got to know and is staying in it for reasons of her own, so that’s what I keep telling myself. I mean if your BF hangs out without you more than half the time, your powers of deduction have to be kicking in.

    @Lance, I got the impression that he just assumes that every guy cheats on their girlfriends, not that he has anything specific against me. I think that just hanging out with them when they go out in a group is snarky in and of itself, since I know he’d rather it just be dudes and it also shows him that it’s his own fault that he doesn’t have a relationship that’s fun. I think the same thing–if he’s so convinced he could find something better, why does he stay? Because he could never afford a two-bedroom apartment that close to work otherwise? Is he looking to have overlap with a new girl and move in with her right away? LAME.

    Honeys last blog post..Beware the Fatty of Doom

  • http://honeyandlance.com Lance

    I’ve been doing some thinking about the best ways to tool this guy. Here are my ideas:

    1) When you’re all out in a group, I would try to cut him off mid-conversation and basically counter what he says or move to a totally unrelated thread. Especially if he starts talking about women, his views on women, or his current gf. This is a basic AMOG technique that guys use all the time.

    2) If he says in front of you&bf how hot a random chick is, tool him with something simple like, “Dude, she’s out of your league.” Do it in a laughing, cheeky way. Do this enough times and you’ll give him a complex. It’s a blow to his manliness and will also disempower him because he won’t do shit to prove otherwise (except attack you, but you’re more than capable of handling yourself).

    3) You can even set him up, by pointing out a random hot chick and asking what he thinks, then laugh at him and say she’s out of his league.

    Have fun!

    Lances last blog post..Beware the Fatty of Doom

  • http://dadshouseblog.com dadshouse

    Normally I’d say if a woman doesn’t like her boyfriend’s Dick, they have major problems. (where’s a drummer with a good rim shot when I need one?)

    This guy is bad news. He’s not man enough to end things with his ex, and he’s encouraging your BF to cheat. Your BF should consider not hanging out with him socially anymore.

    I had a long-time buddy complain to me for 2 years about his marriage. But he wasn’t man enough to end it or fix it. Instead, he pursued affairs and asked me to cover for him. Last year I ended the friendship, and I’ve felt really good about myself ever since. If the guy ever deals with his shit, I could be friends again. Your BF’s Dick (the friend, that is) totally reminded me of him.

    dadshouses last blog post..A Creepy Writing Vibe

  • http://www.angeleyesdevilsmile.com Brad

    “However, he is a buddy from work and it is important for both myself and the BF to stay on good terms with him and be able to hang out with him socially”

    Not sure where to go with that… but in these situations, I let my sig other know how I feel about the situation… that I don’t have the time or energy for that type of drama… and that they can hang out with them if they like but I’d rather not.

    If I have to be around the person… I just freeze ’em out.

    Most of the time, they’ll feel the vibe and ask what’s up… and I’ll tell them.

    “Honestly, I just don’t need the drama you bring with (insert situation)… therefore I choose to not be around you”

    It’s direct… to the point… and a little bit of shock therapy.

    Most people have never had anyone say something like that to them and tend to “wake up” when a strong, self respecting person says it.

    It also lets everyone else know that you don’t put up with bullshit (have definitive boundaries)

    Brads last blog post..My Number One Sex Trick For Lowering LMR