Watchmen is Totally Rad…Why are the Critics Such Douches?

I caught the midnight showing of the new Watchmen movie. On IMAX. It was absolutety awesome. It’s getting canned by a lot of reviewers and I think they’re all douchebags. It’s hovering around 65% on the Tomatometer on, including some hate from my fav reviewers at the Boston Globe and the Times. WTF people, this film is friggin’ genius. Get a clue! I think it’s far superior to any of the comic book flicks from recent years, including X-Men, Spider-Man, and yes even the latest Batman film. In fact, this is the movie that The Dark Knight should have been. Yeah, I said it. I just slapped Dark Knight. I was moved and I’ve read the graphic novel like 10 times.


Spoiler alert, don’t read if you don’t already know the story.

A couple of highlights and random critique:

  • Giant blue flaccid penis. Get ready for it.
  • Was that really Billy Crudup? Damn, that dude got jacked.
  • Malin Ackerman did a perfectly fine job as Silk Spectre, not sure why the critics are hating. Also, she looked hot. I may have a new fetish.
  • Dr. Manhattan was creepy, weird, and cool.
  • Rorshach was a badass. I wept at the end for him.
  • Director and writers did a bangup job of adapting and cutting for the screen.
  • Ozymandias was a fag, I agree with the critics on this one. Miscast, although he kicked some serious ass. I just couldn’t stand it when he talked.
  • The critics are being assholes about the love scene on Archie. WTF, this was STRAIGHT OUT OF THE COMIC BOOK. I thought it was hot. Lighten up people. I wish I could activate a flamethrower while nailing a hot chick.
  • Some serious mindfuck imagery and thought bombs. If you like to be challenged in films, you’ll eat it up. If not, you’re a douche, and your favorite movie is He’s Just Not That Into You.
  • Hyper violence was a bit much, but it’s nothing compared to a Tarantino film.
  • I would trade my left nut for an Archie Owlship. Gimme gimme gimme.
  • Would like to have seen more Mars imagery. In the book they do a grand tour.
  • I thought it was a great decision they made about the ending and the plot twist involving Dr. Manhattan. Nice job.

Dude, this was the movie I dreamed about when I read Watchmen for the first time like 20 years ago. Mind blowing.

What’s funny is the first time I read the book, it kinda didn’t move the needle for like the first half of the story…it seemed mundane. Only one dude has superpowers? The protagonists are pudgy and ugly? Where’s all action? Everything was so gritty. Well, I’ll tell you what. After I got done with it I realized I had just exploded my brain and reassembled it, kind of like Dr. Manhattan reassembled his jacked self. I read it a couple more times and each time it got exponentially better. That’s what this movie is going to do to people who have never read the book. They won’t get it at first. Then they’ll realize the full extent of it’s kickassery and bow down. This beast just reset the bar for superhero flicks.

Last thing. Would you kill a couple million people to save eight billion lives? Would you allow someone to do

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that if you had the power to stop him? Is Humanity worth saving? Hells…


    The comic is the best ever, and I can’t wait to see the film. The reviews don’t seem to be that great, but screw those guys; I bet I love it.

    I’m just waiting until I have a free night and then I am all over this certain masterpiece in giant screenfuls of crazy fanboy love.´s last blog post…Casual Encounters Web TV Show, Episode 6

  • The Virgin

    I think it really all boils down to two camps: fans of the graphic novel and everyone else. When we got out of the theatre, The Friend was extremely starry-eyed about what we just watched. As for myself, while I thought it was a “good” film, I felt it was a little long and not something I would watch more than once.

    The Virgin´s last blog post…Priorities


    I went and saw it.

    Solid 75-80%. A thousand deaths to hating douchebags. Agree that Ozymandias was miscast, but very little to complain about besides that.

    Fans of the comic might complain about some of the omissions and plot tweaks, but anyone sane will realise upon even brief reflection that certain things had to be sacrificed to make a running time that moviegoers (and their bladders) could live with.

    Go and see it.

    Go and see it.´s last blog post…Casual Encounters Web TV Show, Episode 7

  • Janak

    Oh, hey, Lance. I got your email, but my reply bounced.

    Thanks for the kind words, and you can call me Janak.

    That is, if I can maintain self-control sufficient to quell my shamelessly self-promotional instinct for long enough to wear it.

    Janak´s last blog post…How to Find Sex: the Art of the One Night Stand – Part 14 “Foreplay”