Vegetarian Update: Hallucinations, Blindness, Loss of MoTOr COntr0L


Ahhhh! This whole vegetarian experiment is just making me angry!! This is by far the hardest month-long experiment I’ve ever done, much harder than when I quit drinking or abstained from sex. Oops, wasn’t supposed to mention that last part.

Fuck, seriously though, I started getting halluchinations about 3 days ago and my mental faculties in general are degrading rapidly. You know that scene in the old school cartoons where the wolf is starving and everything looks like pork chops and sides of beef? That’s where I’m at. I am the hungry wolf.


Memory loss, blindness, partial nerve damage. My sex drive tanked around day 6. I  couldn’t get it up if a bunch of slutty sorority girls begged me for a reverse gangbang.

Over the last 13 days my roommate has called me variously a “vag,” “queer,” “homo,” “Liberace gay,” “uber gay,” and “stupid dumbass.”

Seriously though, I’ve been eating Tofurkey Italian sausages like they’re going out of style and last night I scrambled eggs and made hash browns just to fill up on something other than spinach. How the fuck do you people do this? More importantly, why?

Now I know what starving children in Ethiopia feel like. I can empathize with them and thus feel the crushing spiritual defeat that is world hunger. I am doing this as a statement against the tyranny of the fattened materialistic Western Society. I am a symbol.

I’ve lost 4 pounds since and my biceps and pecs have shriveled into nothingness. I want a cheeseburger. I deserve one.

Seriously though, the hardest part is eating out, because purely vegetarian options are limited. Hmmm salad or salad? Spinach queasadilla or mushroom? Pasta with marinara or alfredo? Super gay!

Cheeseburger cheeseburger cheeseburger:

  • Eathan

    I didn’t make it past lunch when I tried this a couple years ago. There’s no way I could make it 2 weeks. Damn. You’re half way there.

    Eathan´s last blog post…Get Out Your Boxing Gloves

  • dadshouse

    My brother went vegetarian for a while, and his trick was Jelly Bellies. He’d eat them by the handful. Yeah, he gained weight.

    About that reverse gang bang… damn! (ha)

    dadshouse´s last blog post…A Happy Couple

  • Honey

    The worst thing about eating out is that actually most salads AREN’T vegetarian…so you can’t even order those! They’ll bring it to you without the chicken, but they charge you just as much!

    In fact, I remember once eating out with Lance when we were dating and I ordered alfredo pasta with chicken – without the chicken. When they still charged me $13 for the PASTA and SAUCE, I made them grill me a chicken breast and I gave it to Lance.

    Honey´s last blog post…Busy, Good Things

  • Single Mom Seeking

    Way to go Lance!! I was a vegetarian for 10 years until I had a kid and slowly started to eat meat again.

    It seems like you’re figuring out that you might just be a meat-eater for real. Why don’t you go for the free range meat? It can’t be that hard to find in your part of the country, can it?

  • The Dateable Dork

    Hahaha! Lance, poor baby. I was a vegetarian for a few years, and basically you just have to forget how much you like eating meat. After a while you kind of get used to it.

    With that said, Lance, you are such a juicy piece of meat yourself that there is just something morally wrong with you going veg.

    The Dateable Dork´s last blog post…Conflicted

  • Janak
  • lisaq

    Yikes! You’re doing much better than I ever could.

    lisaq´s last blog post…What Single Women Really Want in a Man

  • Jonsi

    This is why I don’t advocate people becoming vegetarians cold turkey, if at all. I encourage you to keep eating LESS meat even when your month is up. I suppose it would be more tough if I went out to eat for the majority of my meals, but not cooking it at all, and only getting it when I go out to eat has saved me money and I get more than enough protein and fats.

  • Lance

    Jonsi, I’ve actually “cheated” three times and consumed meat. Twice at athletic events where it was catered and the only substantial thing to eat were meat dishes, and the other time was today at lunch where I said fuck it and got a roast beef sandwich. It’s been much tougher than I thought it would be.

    Tonight I made rice and vegetables. I still plan on doing my best for the rest of the month.

  • The Virgin

    Chin up…the Boca burgers get just a little easier to digest after the, uh, twentieth time…

  • Dream

    Come hit up Jasons Deli with me this week. I’ll show you how to eat vegan food so good you’ll never go back 😉

    Dream´s last blog post…Fun Facts about "Cardio"

  • Janak

    I’m going to have a roasted pig for lunch today and cry for you a little bit.

    That’s right. A whole pig.

    Janak´s last blog post…Paid adult dating site review –

  • Lance

    My spindly body is racked with jealousy. I may also have to kick you in the shorts if we meet.