About the Author

Honey's main interests are online dating, long distance dating, and long term relationships. She met her boyfriend on MySpace and they have been exclusive since their first date over three years ago. Currently they live in Tempe, Arizona. Honey graduated with her PhD in Composition and Rhetoric in May 2009. You can contact Honey via email here or online here.

Vague Dissatisfactions

Sometimes, just when everything is going more smoothly than ever, you begin to feel vaguely dissatisfied with your life…not unhappy. Maybe just bored. Now that the BF and I have moved across town and we’ve settled into a routine, I think he has started to feel that way somewhat (he, like most of us, goes through these phases periodically – they don’t seem to always have such a specific trigger).

We were walking the dog and he said that while he anticipated that we would look back on these days as among the best of our lives, he was craving something exciting and different – something to shake up the regular routine.

I pointed out that we went to the Desert Botanical Gardens (something I don’t think he’s ever done before despite the fact that he grew up here), that tonight we’re going to see Stomp, that next week we’re going to a new restaurant, House of Tricks, for our three-year anniversary dinner, that in two weeks we’re going to Vegas with another couple that we’re friends with but hardly ever see because they live on the east coast.

He conceded that he needed to pay attention to the things we do to shake it up rather than

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concentrating on the days that we hang out at our house after work and watch TV (he’s also saving to pay cash for a car this summer, as his has been having some significant problems lately, and he always has some sort of emotional rebellion when he’s trying to save money because it obviously puts a crimp in our style).

Then I pointed out that I had not only initiated, but also planned and paid for all of the events listed above (though he did pay me back, I did the initial cash outlay). I said, “If you’re sitting at work, bored and cranky because we never do anything different, you can’t expect me to read your mind from across town and pick all the interesting things that you might be interested in doing. Buy movie tickets and e-mail me the time and place. Text me and tell me to meet you at a new bar/restaurant that evening. Plan a weekend trip in the area, or at least get us a hotel room somewhere cute in town for a change of scene.”

He was promptly embarrassed that he’d been putting it on me to initiate and plan everything we’ve been doing lately. So now I’m excited…wondering what he has in store to surprise me with.

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  • http://www.thedateabledork.com The Dateable Dork

    How cute! Keep us posted on whatever he comes up with. : )

  • http://honeyandlance.com Lance

    Dude, this is secret dude behavior. This doesn’t actually mean that he necessarily wants to go more places and do more things, it means he wants new challenges in his life. Most of his other stuff is handled.

    All dudes are like this, it’s part and parcel of our masculinity. This can manifest itself as a need for personal development, traveling or experiences that spur growth, or straight up competitions, like in sports.

    If he’s not into sports, tell him to design some kind of challenging, personal creative project. For me, I would do something like writing a book (or a blog).

  • http://simonandcole.com Simon

    Lance nailed it with the competition thing. I know sometimes when you’re super busy working or with school or whatever, you don’t want to go out and be competitive (or write or be creative, whatever the outlet may be). The problem with that is that when you’re lazy it only fuels the ‘boredom’ fire and you start spiraling quicker and quicker as the days go by. The first time is always hardest to motivate yourself. Honey, I can nearly promise you that he’s talking about something that will give him a major thrill (and not a new restaurant to go to!) On the other hand, you clearly know this guy very well and I wouldn’t doubt that going new places and doing new things will give him the satisfaction that he’s craving.

    Simon´s last blog post…A Whisper For Assistance by Simon

  • http://hammer86blog.com Hammer

    There’s definitely a strong chodey smell coming from this post.

    Hammer´s last blog post…Song Lyric Escalation – “Tear You Apart”

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Thanks for the feedback from the fellows! I never thought of this. I told the BF about it and he didn’t really think that was it although he did note that he used to undertake big personal projects all the time and really hasn’t recently, though he is taking classes right now to get a concealed weapons permit.

    Basically he works 60-80 hours a week right now because a) there is a possibility he will get laid off in June/July, and b) there is an even stronger possibility that he is going to have to buy a new car this summer and he wants to pay cash for it outright (we’re talking probably $7K of which he has less than half that saved right now) so he is actually far from having his life “handled.” My read is that he wants to do things to distract himself from the fact that he doesn’t have things under control at all.

    He doesn’t really have time to do much when he doesn’t get home from work until 8 or 9 at night on the weekdays, is starting to go in on the weekends, and can’t afford to do anything that requires a significant cash outlay. He told me that he’d been planning to take me on a weekend trip to Sedona sometime this summer for my graduation present because I’ve never been, but he had to cancel because he couldn’t afford it.

    He did say that he’s going to start playing paintball more with a friend’s husband and also investigate some working out possibilities that might be more fun than the regular gym. If we get registered at my work as domestic partners than he gets the same deal on tuition as I do and could either pick up classes here and there or go for another degree…also get way better dental insurance than what he has currently. So there are some possibilities, but I doubt that anything significant is going to happen for the next couple of months until things settle down at work.

    His specific request was that we play more boardgames.

    Honey´s last blog post…Vague Dissatisfactions

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    I don’t think this is a masculine urge. I started this blog when I was still in school…I just started another personal blog for family and close friends…I am going to pick up some additional classes in the fall. I just find myself not only unable to be idle, but unable to have lots of large-scale personal things going on at once.

    I have never seen him do anything like a large-scale personal project beyond getting the degree for his job and paying off his consumer debt. The exception may be our 20 day Europe trip after his graduation, which was his idea…but then again I planned the entire itinerary and did all the bookings. His real passion is traveling but he doesn’t have the money or the time off work right now. So I think that’s part of his frustration.

    Honey´s last blog post…Vague Dissatisfactions

  • http://demetershouse.wordpress.com/ demeter’s house

    Dude, your last sentence about the BF requesting you play more board games made me laugh an uncomfortable sort of laugh–that was my partner’s proposed solution to all his misery 😛

    demeter’s house´s last blog post…The Academy: Kinda Like Junior High but with Bigger Books

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Haha! He did follow that up with, “or play poker,” which I can’t imagine your partner saying :-)

    Honey´s last blog post…Vague Dissatisfactions

  • http://demetershouse.wordpress.com/ demeter’s house

    You’re so right–he used to get pissed when I’d stay up late drinking beer, playing poker with my siblings! Your BF is a thousand times cooler (and saner).

    demeter’s house´s last blog post…The Academy: Kinda Like Junior High but with Bigger Books

  • http://www.luvemorleavem.com/blog Tina T

    My favorite dates with my husband are active outdoor activities like hiking, mountain biking and whitewater rafting. They’re a great way to bond and have fun and even if you go to the exact same place twice it’s always different.

    Tina T´s last blog post…Couples That Never Say “I Do”

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    That’s a fantastic idea, Tina T! It’ll probably have to wait now (we finally hit the 100s last week and will probably not dip below them until October at least) but maybe we can get up to Prescott for some hiking on a day or weekend trip…it’s MUCH cooler there!

    Honey´s last blog post…Vague Dissatisfactions

  • http://casualencounters.com/blog/ Janak

    OMG poker is the bomb. WHY DID I STOP PLAYING POKER. *flees screaming from house*

    Janak´s last blog post…Weekly Roundup – Top 10 Casual Sex Links from Around the Web

  • http://dadshouseblog.com dadshouse

    I went through a time where I felt a restless urge to do something more exciting. The problem is, everytime you up the ante or shake up the routine, you fall back into feeling unfulfilled. And that’s the key – fulfillment.

    Lance touched on this by suggesting a personal project, or doing something for personal development. That will certainly help.

    The Dalai Lama suggests that the purpose of life is to be happy, and the way to happiness is by giving love through compassion. That doesn’t sound too exciting, but it’s actually quite fulfilling.

    Oh, and have lots of spontaneous sex in unusual places.

    dadshouse´s last blog post…Single Dad Fireworks on Mother’s Day

  • http://casualencounters.com/blog/ Janak

    The older I get, the more I realize that if one has any kind of conscience at all, happiness is absurdly hard work. And worse, work of a constant and ongoing nature toward a nebulous goal.

    It’s far easier to be vaguely unfulfilled and dissatisfied, and I’m tempted to believe that the effort and time one saves by accepting this state is worth its weight in suffering, due to the fact of what it allows one to accomplish.

    Of course having no conscience would be great, but if you already have one then it’s hard work to get rid of, which lands you back in the same situation you’re trying to avoid.

    There’s a point in there somewhere, longing to be made. Time for another coffee.

    Janak´s last blog post…Weekly Roundup – Top 10 Casual Sex Links from Around the Web

  • http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/ Single Mom Seeking

    The board games cracked me up, too!

    He really is blessed with such a thoughtful, caring woman. I look forward to hearing the update.

    As Lance implied, I also wondered if he plays sports. Such a great stress-reliever… for women, too.

    Single Mom Seeking´s last blog post…Safe sex

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    He played football, track, and cross-country in high school and did intramural football and hockey in college…I think that he might go the paintball route as far as “sports” – we have a guy friend who plays regularly and always wants people to go with him. Good suggestion!

  • http://www.jermainelovepoems.com/ Love Poems & Love Quotes

    I think bordem is in pretty much all our lives until the next big thing comes around to excite us.