About the Author

Honey's main interests are online dating, long distance dating, and long term relationships. She met her boyfriend on MySpace and they have been exclusive since their first date over three years ago. Currently they live in Tempe, Arizona. Honey graduated with her PhD in Composition and Rhetoric in May 2009. You can contact Honey via email here or online here.

Unlikely Superheroes: The Men of Match

When Lance asked me to cobble together a “typical” Match profile written by a dude, I have to say that it turned out to be a bit more difficult than I thought.  Why?  Well, here are a few typical profiles, lifted straight from the source in their entirety:

I like to have fun Im a layed back fellow that likes to be funny and funny people. I just want a NORMAL GENUIN person to hang out with and enjoy life on a low key level see some things and experience first times. (Horrible Grammer)

You also can’t spell or punctuate, fellow.

(In addition to not being able to spell, I have no friends, and thus must take my own photograph.)

It reminds me of the Whose Line is It Anyway? game of Unlikely Superheroes.  So we’ve got Horrible Grammar Guy, closely followed by Can’t Be Bothered To Write About Himself Man:

Man, it is hard to describe yourself.  I am outgoing, love my friends and love to have fun.  I am shy at first but as I get to know you I open up.  At least 50 letters left, let’s see, I like going out and hanging out or just staying in an doing nothing, eithe way I am good.

That’s right, this dude can’t even be bothered to fulfill the minimum character requirement.  And you wonder why EMK says that men’s profiles are worse than women’s?  Here’s another Barely Meets the Minimum Man (in any sense):

I am looking to meet a very down to earth girl who just takes life as it comes.  I love my work, I love my dog, I love family and friends and I love to go out and have a good time.  I also enjoy just stayin home, watching movies.

Wow, way to set yourself apart from everyone else on the planet.  OTOH, this guy does set himself apart, though not necessarily in a good way, aka Quirky Out of Context Dude:

Profile? Typing? 200 character minimum? Bah! If you want to know something just ask. I’m open minded and optymistic.  Too optymistic if you ask me.

Sweet, spaces count as characters.

Awwwwwwwww Right.  Gigidy gigidy gooo!

What exactly is this supposed to inspire me to ask–whether or not he can say something of substance?  It’s pretty “optymistic” of him.  Oh, yes, people.  That’s a small sampling of what’s really out there.  And you wonder why Dateable Dork calls it Dumpster diving.  But here’s what a guy’s profile is likely to be like if he is actually willing to write more than the 200-character minimum.  Note: as it turns out, when I logged into Match my old favorites list had some guys on it that I had actually dated who still had active profiles.  I worked theirs into this mockup:

Match.com is something new to me, but I’m tired of the bar scene and blind dates.  I’m looking for someone to share everything with: likes, dislikes, innermost thoughts…yes, that special someone!  If you want a guy who’s caring, thoughtful, loves to cook, and remembers birthdays and month-to-month anniversaries, then look no further.

First of all, I’m not your typical guy.  I’m a pretty humble person that likes to have a good time and live for the moment.  I’m easy going and extremely loyal to those that are close.  I love to laugh and make people laugh and smile, life is too short not to.  I can be on the sarcastic side at times.  I have strong family values and look forward to having a family someday with the right person.  I’m not someone who lives in the past, but have definitely learned from it!  I’m looking for someone to enjoy life with and to grow with together through open and honest communication.

In my spare time, I like to “play.”  Whether I go out with friends for a beer and a game of pool, a nice dinner, a movie, or just sitting on the couch watching a DVD, I like to both relax and have a good time.  I am looking for someone who is not afraid to be them self and have a good time (including laughing at my dumb jokes), but also have an eye for the future.  It is important that you enjoy an adventure, like trying new things, eating new foods, and traveling to new places.

I’m looking for a girl with a great sense of humor, a wonderful personality, and a contagious smile.  Someone who shares similar philosophies, beliefs, and interests, but not so many they are basically a mirror image of me.  I need someone who can introduce me to new things.  I need someone who isn’t afraid to question or challenge me.  Someone who likes to go camping, hiking, out for a night on the town, or just a night in with a good movie.  Someone who likes to go out with friends, who likes to travel at spontaneous moments.  Honesty is something I pride myself on and I would expect the same in return.  I also think that friendship is very important.  Having great close friends is a sign of a great person.  Attraction is also key but that is such an individual thing, and there’s so much that pictures just can’t capture.

So, not much different from the ladies, when it comes down to it, except for the fact that every one of the pictures that Lance lifted is better than any picture of any guy on Match that I have seen.

(Does my profile mention that I own a webcam?)

(I also own a house with ugly couches and no other visible decorations!)

(The shirt comes off, though, and who knows what else!)

(And I’m clearly not afraid to look stupid, as this expression, my Family Guy t-shirt, and my penis-replacement-object demonstrate all too clearly.)

If this is your picture and you’d like it removed, please e-mail me with the subject line “Hey, Douchebaguette,” but please note that I will only remove the picture if you spell douchebaguette correctly.

  • http://www.worklovelife.com Holly Hoffman

    Ha! Right on with the bad grammar and punctuation. Despite having the most random set of pictures EVER (him playing dodgeball in full suit, dog in moose costume, him with old guy, some kind of African tigers, calves) and a sappy screenname, the BF wrote well and actually sounded interesting. Plus, he looked hot.

    Ugh. Though I was only on for a month, I still get the emails and it’s scary. People this retarded with a keyboard exist?!?

    Holly Hoffmans last blog post..Your personal style matters… now give it some thought

  • http://40ssingleness.blogspot.com/ lisaq

    Spot on Honey! I swear I’ve read some of those same frickin’ profiles. The only difference here in Map Dot is that 99% of them contain:

    campin’
    huntin’
    fishin’
    Nascar

    Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Why in God’s name anyone want to watch cars going ’round and ’round in circles is beyond me. Never mind the whole redneck Nascar mentality…

    “Whatcha doin’?”
    “Uh duh. Watchin’ Nascar. It’s Sundee ain’t it? Shit woman, ain’t you got no damn sense?”
    “Oh. I see. Are you wearing your cute little hat with the beer cans on each side too?”
    “Damn straight! How else am I s’pposed ta drink beer, pick my ass and eat chips at the same time? Jesus woman ain’t you never heerd of multiple taskin’!”

    Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

    lisaqs last blog post..What Is Going Slow Really?

  • http://40ssingleness.blogspot.com/ lisaq

    Oh and did I mention that 8 out of 10 profiles include the big fish catch or dead animals/taxidermy? Ugh…again.

    lisaqs last blog post..What Is Going Slow Really?

  • http://honeyandlance.com/contact Lance

    In all of the those pictures, not a single one of those guys can smile properly. Just doing this one simple thing would get these guys a bit more traffic. Guy #1 looks like a creepy stalker. The next guy screams douchebag. The third guy is way too bow legged. The next guy? DOUCHEBAG. Last guy is clearly a tool. Nuff said.

  • http://www.worklovelife.com Holly Hoffman

    But wait! You forgot the part where they rant about how girls need to “PUT ACCURET PICS PLZ”. Ugh. Date #3 had at least 10 lines dedicated to his pleas for current photos and how it’s wrong to use pictures from 10 years ago. Hmm. He turned out WAY older looking than his photo! FAIL.

    Holly Hoffmans last blog post..Your personal style matters… now give it some thought

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Yeah, at least the girls whose photos you snagged look cute.

    Honeys last blog post..Unlikely Superheroes: The Men of Match

  • http://thedateabledork.typepad.com The Dateable Dork

    Honey, you totally hit the nail on the head! I am laughing my ass off over here.

    I’m SO glad that I’m not the only one who runs into these profiles – over and over again. You said it perfectly: almost non-existent descriptions, horrible writing, and photos where they’re not even smiling (and often not even looking into the camera!). And glad you snagged a self-web-cam shot – always popular with the classy match.com men. Too bad we didn’t get one in the bathroom mirror. LOL!

    I sum up all these guys with one word: LOSERS.

    The Dateable Dorks last blog post..Rate your date: it’s all about the clothes

  • http://www.lovingforyourheart.blogspot.com Loving Annie

    So true, shudder…

    I’ve given up on internet dating, and frankly, it is a relief.
    Better to meet 1 decent man in a year in person than to have to deal with a thousand totally unsuitable men.

    The profiles are pathetic. And typical. Ugh. How generic and ridiculous can you get ?

    A little accuracy would be nice.

    Maybe Match, etc. can start requesting confirmation of education, employment history, marital status, number of children at home, recent std blood test results, an up-to-date credit history, and a criminal(felony/misdeameanor) history check.

    Oh, and a half-dozen full-length color pictures taken within the last 2 weeks.

    How about including their ex-wife’s or last two girlfriend’s versions of what really happenned in their relationship too ?

    That would be a start at least.

    Loving Annies last blog post..Incredibly Yummy Sherry Cake

  • http://www.idatewhite.com Eathan

    I agree Lance.. Starts with a smile. Ya gotta smile properly to get any attention.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    LisaQ, you should move to Phoenix and be my friend. Or at least come visit. Come be snarky with me!

    Honeys last blog post..Unlikely Superheroes: The Men of Match

  • http://www.cathouseteri.blogspot.com Cathouse Teri

    THIS was tons of fun! Good job, Honey!

    Cathouse Teris last blog post..The Dark Knight!

  • Me Thinks

    Spot on Honey! All true! Rare are the men who either have one decent photo (or worse yet, way too many pics! Hello, Ego much?) can spell correctly, have anything remotely unique or interesting to say, and frequently they describe their ideal partner in insulting ways like “I’m looking for the right woman to treat like a queen”. Ick, that makes me throw up in my mouth a little.

  • Me Thinks

    Wait, here is a good one:

    Love to smile and laugh. My best feature is my smile… Looking for someone that loves to smile and has similiar attributes.

    WTF? Match is like Fantasy Island. Smiles, everyone, smiles!

  • annie

    The men you profile are dreams compared to those local to me. I wish I could show you the atrocious pictures that accompany these tempting matches. Most of them, (like Lisaq’s) involve dead deer, pheasant, or fish. mmmhh sexy….

    Here’s a few choice examples, unfortunately, there are much more where these came from:

    From “Budweiser1979″:

    WHAT TICKS ME OFF IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON TO BE WITH FOR A LONG TIME I AM LOOKING FOR THE RIGHT PERSON TO TAKE ME AWAY FROM BEING LONELY I WOULD LIKE FOR SOMEONE WHO IS A FUN PERSON TO BE AROUND WITH WITH OUT BEING CRABBY

    Or from “imcumminghon”:

    im 34yrsold looking 4 someone 2 cuddle with im 5foot5 blue eyes brown hair and have 3 kids that i love alot i like camping fishing and alot of sex i enjoy dancing on weekends hanging out with my friends but most of the time i work alot our im with my kids.

  • http://ipitw.blogspot.com/ TentCamper

    That is just too funny. Some of those are outragous.

    I would be completely lost if I were battling in the world of online dating.

    Actually….might just save on the online subscription and buy a gun.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Lance

    Instead of a gun or online subscription, buy a gym membership.

  • http://www.worklovelife.com Holly Hoffman

    LOL. Three kids? Apparently the “alot of sex” part is true! I hope he’s not helping his kids with their spelling homework…

  • http://dadshouseblog.com dadshouse

    Online dating SUCKS! Great post.

    I love the self portraits people put up. I found one of a really good looking woman in a nearby affluent community in Silicon Valley. We’re talking HOT. Problem? It was a self portrait taken in a bathroom with the toilet and toilet brush clearly in the background! S-e-x-y!

    dadshouses last blog post..Just For Men