Unlikely Superheroes: The Men of Match

When Lance asked me to cobble together a “typical” Match profile written by a dude, I have to say that it turned out to be a bit more difficult than I thought.  Why?  Well, here are a few typical profiles, lifted straight from the source in their entirety:

I like to have fun Im a layed back fellow that likes to be funny and funny people. I just want a NORMAL GENUIN person to hang out with and enjoy life on a low key level see some things and experience first times. (Horrible Grammer)

You also can’t spell or punctuate, fellow.

(In addition to not being able to spell, I have no friends, and thus must take my own photograph.)

It reminds me of the Whose Line is It Anyway? game of Unlikely Superheroes.  So we’ve got Horrible Grammar Guy, closely followed by Can’t Be Bothered To Write About Himself Man:

Man, it is hard to describe yourself.  I am outgoing, love my friends and love to have fun.  I am shy at first but as I get to know you I open up.  At least 50 letters left, let’s see, I like going out and hanging out or just staying in an doing nothing, eithe way I am good.

That’s right, this dude can’t even be bothered to fulfill the minimum character requirement.  And you wonder why EMK says that men’s profiles are worse than women’s?  Here’s another Barely Meets the Minimum Man (in any sense):

I am looking to meet a very down to earth girl who just takes life as it comes.  I love my work, I love my dog, I love family and friends and I love to go out and have a good time.  I also enjoy just stayin home, watching movies.

Wow, way to set yourself apart from everyone else on the planet.  OTOH, this guy does set himself apart, though not necessarily in a good way, aka Quirky Out of Context Dude:

Profile? Typing? 200 character minimum? Bah! If you want to know something just ask. I’m open minded and optymistic.  Too optymistic if you ask me.

Sweet, spaces count as characters.

Awwwwwwwww Right.  Gigidy gigidy gooo!

What exactly is this supposed to inspire me to ask–whether or not he can say something of substance?  It’s pretty “optymistic” of him.  Oh, yes, people.  That’s a small sampling of what’s really out there.  And you wonder why Dateable Dork calls it Dumpster diving.  But here’s what a guy’s profile is likely to be like if he is actually willing to write more than the 200-character minimum.  Note: as it turns out, when I logged into Match my old favorites list had some guys on it that I had actually dated who still had active profiles.  I worked theirs into this mockup:

Match.com is something new to me, but I’m tired of the bar scene and blind dates.  I’m looking for someone to share everything with: likes, dislikes, innermost thoughts…yes, that special someone!  If you want a guy who’s caring, thoughtful, loves to cook, and remembers birthdays and month-to-month anniversaries, then look no further.

First of all, I’m not your typical guy.  I’m a pretty humble person that likes to have a good time and live for the moment.  I’m easy going and extremely loyal to those that are close.  I love to laugh and make people laugh and smile, life is too short not to.  I can be on the sarcastic side at times.  I have strong family values and look forward to having a family someday with the right person.  I’m not someone who lives in the past, but have definitely learned from it!  I’m looking for someone to enjoy life with and to grow with together through open and honest communication.

In my spare time, I like to “play.”  Whether I go out with friends for a beer and a game of pool, a nice dinner, a movie, or just sitting on the couch watching a DVD, I like to both relax and have a good time.  I am looking for someone who is not afraid to be them self and have a good time (including laughing at my dumb jokes), but also have an eye for the future.  It is important that you enjoy an adventure, like trying new things, eating new foods, and traveling to new places.

I’m looking for a girl with a great sense of humor, a wonderful personality, and a contagious smile.  Someone who shares similar philosophies, beliefs, and interests, but not so many they are basically a mirror image of me.  I need someone who can introduce me to new things.  I need someone who isn’t afraid to question or challenge me.  Someone who likes to go camping, hiking, out for a night on the town, or just a night in with a good movie.  Someone who likes to go out with friends, who likes to travel at spontaneous moments.  Honesty is something I pride myself on and I would expect the same in return.  I also think that friendship is very important.  Having great close friends is a sign of a great person.  Attraction is also key but that is such an individual thing, and there’s so much that pictures just can’t capture.

So, not much different from the ladies, when it comes down to it, except for the fact that every one of the pictures that Lance lifted is better than any picture of any guy on Match that I have seen.

(Does my profile mention that I own a webcam?)

(I also own a house with ugly couches and no other visible decorations!)

(The shirt comes off, though, and who knows what else!)

(And I’m clearly not afraid to look stupid, as this expression, my Family Guy t-shirt, and my penis-replacement-object demonstrate all too clearly.)

If this is your picture and you’d like it removed, please e-mail me with the subject line “Hey, Douchebaguette,” but please note that I will only remove the picture if you spell douchebaguette correctly.