Ugh…stop buying freakin dinners!

See here. Normally I like Lynn’s stuff, especially her Breakup Girl blog, but the inner-pimp in me hates the idea of a “rule” where guys have to pay if they do the asking. Fellas, stop buying dinners on first dates! Just don’t do it. Paying for dinners is approval seeking and that’s not what us playerz do.

My thought process is this. On a first date, you’re essentially meeting a stranger, especially true if you met the person online. If a stranger, guy or girl, walked up to you on the street and asked you to buy them dinner, would you do it? Hell no! It’s not your responsibility to feed hungry women, as attractive as they may be. And don’t talk to me about romance, chivalry, or being a cheapskate. That stuff is crap.

I’ll tell you something else. I tried doing the thing where I bought the first dinner (on date #1) and she agreed to buy dinner #2. Well, dinner #2 never freakin happened, for whatever reasons. This was happened to me twice this year and I’ve learned my lesson. There is very little honor or respect in dating, and someone’s “word” is pretty much worthless. Oh yeah, and there are the foodwhores who use guys just to get meals out of them. And women bitch that guys try to get sex too soon. Hah! At least I’m not swindling people out of meals and drinks!

Meeting for drinks on the first date is the best way to go. No pressure, little money, very easy to keep it dutch. Keep it simple and save the dinners for date #2 or date #3, preferably after you’ve hooked up. OR, just meet at the house and kill a bottle of wine together. If you want to get to know me, there’s no better way to do it than meeting at my place (or yours) and just sitting on a balcony and sipping wine. Eathan from gave me that idea, and I want to give him big ups for that. See here.

  • Holly Hoffman

    I dunno… if whomever does the asking has to pay, then I should’ve paid for a lot of dinners that I didn’t! It doesn’t really bother me either way, to be honest. I guess it depends – if he chooses and the place is expensive, then hell yeah, he’d better pay for it.

    Whenever I was online dating I met dates at two places – a cafe where I worked (I got to show off my coffee knowledge & knew everybody, good for both safety & social value) and an awesome & inexpensive Thai place. I could afford both without looking cheap & uncultured.

    The BF & I go fairly dutch on most things. He makes more, but his bills are more too. If I buy movie tickets, he gets the snacks, and vice versa.

    I like that there’s no power struggle over it. Whether you like it or not, if someone pays for everything all the time, a check will come that you’ll have to pay with your dignity.

    At any rate, the whole idea is pretty arcane. If you can’t afford to pay for yourself, then maybe you should be concentrating on something other than dating.

    Holly Hoffmans last blog post..Why I might be OK with having children

  • Honey

    I kind of think whoever invites should pay. That said, I don’t think the BF and I had dinner until our 4th date…and we were already long distance at that point. I’m pretty sure he paid for dinner but I drove about 250 miles round trip to go out with him, so he better!

    Honeys last blog post..Ugh…stop buying freakin dinners!

  • Lance


    The solution is easy, just don’t do dinner on first dates. Do drinks. Or do Honey’s model, which I call the “reverse courtship model.” Meet for drinks, party, sleep together on dates 1-3, then start dating and doing dinners and things. At that point you know each other intimately and the relationship has started. I’m totally buying this.

  • Eathan

    Dinner is a big thing if you’re just trying to get to know someone. I don’t like to do that until I have spent some time with them. I save dinners for friends and family, that way I know i’ll enjoy it. There’s nothing worse than to be at dinner with someone who ya figure out ya can’t stand. I agree with Lance drinks or just invite them over for a glass of wine on the patio.

    Thanks for the shout-out Lance!

    Eathans last blog post..Question from reader

  • Kevin (ReturnToManliness)

    Whoever invites should pay. That is just doing the right thing…

    BUT, Lance is right. I think meeting for drinks on that first date is a GREAT idea. Going out to dinner on a first date as a “get to know you” sort of thing was typical, but was terribly awkward for me when single.

    Kevin (ReturnToManliness)s last blog post..Manly Virtue: Temperance (10 Steps To Self-Control And Self-Discipline)

  • Hot Alpha Female

    Very interesting. Thats the reason that this term date, doesn’t really go well with me.

    Because there are all these rules and expectations on who should pay and how you should act and bla bla.

    I totally agree with you lance. I reckon that first dates should be very informal, low key and totally like non committal.

    As a girl, I would much more likely catch up with someone for drinks, then go on a “date” with someone to dinner and movies.

    unless of course your taking me to go like skydiving the first date .. and then im def in. lol

    Hot Alpha Female

    Hot Alpha Females last blog post..Your Either A Prick Tease Or A Slut – Take Your Pick

  • lisaq

    I definitely think something low key like drinks is the way to go for a first date or meet or whatever…

    I have one tonight. I did the asking (although it was more of a suggestion he was up for), so I definitely think it’s up to me to pay.

    lisaqs last blog post..Wordless Wednesday Eye Candy

  • marc

    That’s why they invented Starbucks…for first dates. I don’t even drink coffee and that’s where I take almost every first date – or to someplace similar. If the chick insists on having dinner on a first date – which has happened – there simply won’t be a first date. Most women I’ve met, though, are cool with the low key coffee/drink first date.

    marcs last blog post..Grandma’s Got The Clap

  • Brad

    I don’t think I really have a rule…

    I’ve done dinners, I’ve done drinks… putt putt… go karts… batting cage…

    But, I will say this, I’ve learned that it’s much cooler to do things that can help build a connection… and it’s hard to do that over dinner…

    … UNLESS you’re sitting beside her… and then it’s different.

    No booths or sitting across from each other… it makes it hard to build rapport.

    Besides, how else is she supposed to give me “love taps” when I’m playfully flirting, giving her a hard time, accusing her of trying to get me drunk, take my wallet, steal my shoes, stomp on my heart, learn all my best one liners, rob me of all my jokes…


    So I guess I do have a rule for “dates” (I just call it “hanging out”)… no physical barriers.

    Brads last blog post..Can Your Pecker Fall Off From NON-USE?

  • cheekie

    I have a general rule, no dinner-first-dates. no movies for first date either…
    It’s too intense and uncomfortable…not what you want for a first time out.
    Drinks and pool? yes.
    Then you can trade off buying rounds.
    Or coffee, or dessert. Or a local open air festival thing.
    No pressure.

    But, I have to say, whoever does the asking, does the buying.
    And at the very least, the guy should buy the first few rounds but the girls have to step up and offer.

    btw, I never EVER have anyone to my place before I know them really really well. After at least a month. And I have met their friends and vice versa. Seriously. Maybe it’s because I have a kiddo, or maybe I am very private. Or both. But it’s not a good idea and nor should it be encouraged to take some guy that you have only known for a couple of dates to your house. Or go to his alone.
    Especially the first date! That’s really really unwise.
    And particularly if it is an online hookup…just not safe.

    sorry, but I am a Mommy…lol

  • dadshouse

    I agree – no dinner for first dates, cuz the guy usually gets screwed. He pays, and then there’s no second date because the woman gets back onto or whatever and finds another guy to buy her next meal.

    I’m generalizing, of course. Not all women are like that. But some are.

    First date – cocktails. Coffee gives you too much nervous energy. Cocktails soothe the nerves, reduces inhibitions, puts you in the mood. Whether that mood is a hookup or a second date, it’s a mood to go beyond the first date setting.

    btw – I don’t know Lynn, the authoer of the msn.match piece, but in her bio it says she is married. WTF does a married chick know about dating? Give me a break.

    dadshouses last blog post..Auto Insurance is Double for Teens of Divorced Single Parents

  • Lance

    DM, I completely agree with this. See, this summarizes the problem I have with mainstream dating advice. The problem is that these advisors are not usually dating, so they’re totally disconnected with the reality of what’s going on out there. Dating and finding good partners is a royal bitch, and if you’re not playing it right, you get screwed. I like Lynn’s stuff usually, but she doesn’t address the flaws and inequalities of the modern game.

    Lances last blog post..When is Enough, Enough?