About the Author

Honey's main interests are online dating, long distance dating, and long term relationships. She met her boyfriend on MySpace and they have been exclusive since their first date over three years ago. Currently they live in Tempe, Arizona. Honey graduated with her PhD in Composition and Rhetoric in May 2009. You can contact Honey via email here or online here.

Top 5 Benefits of Monogamous Sex

So, with all the talk going around about open relationships and “growing with your partner,” I feel like I have to come to the defense of good old monogamous sex.  I do admit that there’s something to the anticipation and sexual tension of a first time, and there’s obviously something to be said for variety.  However, aside from the obvious benefits of not having to use a condom, I think that monogamous sex has the potential to be far more exciting and fulfilling than sex with a bunch of different partners.  Here, Honey’s Top Five Benefits of Monogamous Sex.

1. Excitement

When I was dating and getting ready to sleep with someone for the first time, the thing I wondered the most was whether the other person was going to be any good.  I would say about a fifth of the people I’ve ever slept with have been any good at all (probably less), so it was a valid worry.  Once you’ve found that special someone, then you can get excited not about the potential that you’ll be sexually compatible and have a great time, but the certainty of it.  Nothing gets me hotter than that certainty. It increases my (already impressive) sex drive and serves as automatic foreplay.  And believe me, nothing gets a guy harder faster than knowing you’re already wet at the mere thought of sleeping with him.

2. Spontaneity

Here’s where the no-condoms thing really comes in handy.  If the woman’s on the pill and everyone’s been tested for STDs, then that means that anytime the BF wants to bend me over the bed, slip my bikini bottom off in the pool, or pull me down doggy-style on the living room floor, he can do it. And once the FDA gets off its butt and the pill for men is introduced, then it’ll become even more possible for spontaneity to take the forefront in monogamous relationships. Being monogamous also means that you can participate worry-free in sexual activities that would otherwise be riskier, like oral sex (especially after you’ve already had sex) and pooper sex.

3.  Variety

Okay, obviously if you’re going to be monogamous then you don’t get variety in the sense of sleeping with different people, but that’s hardly the only definition of the word.  When you’ve got a steady partner then you can stop worrying/wondering if you’re going to have sex and start focusing on where and when you’re going to have sex, as well as what it’s going to consist of.  I have a list of locations and positions as well as ways to incorporate the wide variety of vibrators, lube, warming lotion, and Viagra in our possession, and that doesn’t even take into account the sexual position cards and other erotic “board games” in my goody drawer.  And of course, if you’re traveling with your partner then that opens up not only the new locations, but as the BF says, an ability to shed any inhibitions or routines associated with your home and breathe new life into your relationship.

4. Fantasy Fulfillment

Perhaps the biggest benefit to monogamous sex is trusting someone enough to tell them the fantasies that you’ve always been too shy or embarrassed to share with more casual partners.  After we’d been dating for about a year, the BF wrote me a letter about his sexual preferences and fantasies, and after reading it, I was thrilled to reciprocate with a letter of my own.  Obviously the details of those letters are too personal to reveal, but let’s just say that they were each five single-spaced pages long.  We’ve had the opportunity to take steps to fulfill those fantasies that we never even came close to achieving in previous relationships. Plus, any time our sex life is in danger of getting stale, we revisit the list and find something new to incorporate or strive for (see variety!).

5.  Emotional Fulfillment

So, despite the fact that (for me at least) simple companionship isn’t enough for a relationship to be considered a total success, it is definitely an important part.  With all of my previous partners, during sex I always wondered–do they feel what I feel?  Does what feels good for me feel good for them?  Similarly, whenever the sex was over I always wondered–did they have as good time as I did?  With the BF, I never have to wonder–he’s the only person I have ever felt so connected to during sex that I know we feel the same things, or at least as close as two different people can feel.  I love laying next to him when we’re both sweaty and sticky from various fluids but still kissing, and running our hands over each others’ bodies, and knowing that we’ve managed to shrink the whole world to the size of our bed and shut out everything and everyone that might distract or stress us out.

Conclusion

Of course, truly achieving the benefits of monogamous sex means that you have to put sexual compatibility high enough on your list of priorities in finding a mate that you have that certainty.  Shockingly, the BF told me once that before dating me, he’d never thought about whether or not his girlfriends were any good in bed.  In retrospect, he realized that was because none of them were.  He literally had never had sex that was good enough to set it apart from the rest of the pack, so he figured that sex was pretty much the same no matter who it was with.  Now his standards are permanently high–which, even if we didn’t end up together, means that I added value to his life.  And now that I know how good it can be, I could never settle for anything less.  Fortunately, we’re monogamous, so I don’t have to.

  • http://40ssingleness.blogspot.com/ lisaq

    I’m loving this! Couldn’t agree more. Nicely done girl!

    lisaqs last blog post..Just Exactly How Far Will Men Go to Get Sex?

  • http://diaryofadisillusioneddater.blogspot.com/ marc

    Pill for men…great idea. But will it make me gain weight and cry for no reason?

    marcs last blog post..DON’T LET A DOUCHEBAG SET YOU UP

  • http://www.cathouseteri.blogspot.com Cathouse Teri

    I think when you are with someone you are compatible with and enjoy spending as much time as possible with, exclusivity just happens naturally. You just stop wanting anyone else.

    You make some good points in favor of being monogamous. Although, I have to say that I never worried about IF I was going to have sex. If I wanted sex, I just went out and got it. And I also never worried about if it was going to be any good. I know how to make it good. I’ve been with over a hundred sexual partners and I can’t name a single experience that wasn’t a good one. And spontanaeity has never been an issue, in or out of relationships. So these points don’t specifically make a difference in my life, but I can see how they would in the case of many.

    Again, my main reason for being monogamous at this point, is that I am with a man who is as unique and precious as they day is long. And no one compares to him.

    Cathouse Teris last blog post..I Am Woman, Hear Me Mew!

  • http://mysecrethobby.blogspot.com/ Kiera

    That all sounds wonderful to me except for the pill for men. It’d be nice to not have the responsibility but I don’t think I could put the chance of becoming preggers completely in someone else’s hands.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Kiera, I don’t think I’d stop taking the pill even if the BF was on the male pill. I only have a period once a year (sometimes not even that) and that’s just too much of a benefit to give up. However, since I have been known to forget a pill or take it at the wrong time of day, it’d be nice to have a backup method.

    Honeys last blog post..Top 5 Benefits of Monogamous Sex

  • http://honeyandlance.com/contact Lance

    Guys make the same argument. Guys aren’t going around trying to impregnate women either…

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Cathouse Teri, I guess the “if” in sex is whether or not someone you are interested in dating seriously is willing to have sex with you if they are also interested in dating you seriously. Most single girls can go out and get sex if they really want it, it’s just a matter of how much you have to lower your standards to get it. The nice thing about monogamy is that you don’t have to wonder -OR- lower your standards.

    I’ve always had fun having sex, but I can only think of three partners who I would classify as amazing. And that’s what I’m holding out for. I think the majority of my sexual partners happened when I was too young to know what I want or ask for it if I knew. There was a significant awkward period before I was confident enough to have a truly reciprocal experience. Sounds like you had it down…and then met someone awesome to boot!

    Honeys last blog post..Top 5 Benefits of Monogamous Sex

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    There is a very funny episode of Sliders where the world is dominated by women because apparently men go through a similar hormone cycle to women…but whereas it takes women a month to go through it (and they don’t go through it AT ALL if they’re on monophasic birth control) men go through that cycle EVERY 20 MINUTES. That made me laugh!

    Honeys last blog post..Top 5 Benefits of Monogamous Sex

  • http://honeyandlance.com/contact Lance

    If women ruled the world, would there be war? Just a random thought.

  • http://dadshouseblog.com dadshouse

    This is a fabulous post. I was married for 9 years, and the spontaneity part is awesome – whenever and wherever you want to do it, you do it! Shower, living room floor, hiking in the woords… Especially like the “bend you over” part. There’s a raw passion and aggression that goes away when you have to stop and slip on a glove.

    Your first point resonated with me in a different way – as a single dad with a beautiful home and 2 great kids, I don’t get when single women look at a bachelor guy and pine over his “potential” as a dad. Ladies, look right here and see some “certainty”!

    As for #5 feelings – what are those? (Haha, I jest. Couldn’t resist some man humor)

    dadshouses last blog post..How To Pick-Up a Woman in Front of Your Son

  • http://www.cathouseteri.blogspot.com Cathouse Teri

    Well the thing about me is that sex is just sex. It’s a physical connection. It can be more, but the other connections are on different levels. For instance, I may have an intellectual connection with the person, too. Or an emotional one. Still another level is the spiritual. Truly, when we meet up with someone on two or more of those levels, it makes it more amazing.

    But I have learned to enjoy each and every type for its own separate enjoyment.

    So, we’re probably just talking semantics. You felt only a few encounters were amazing, because they likely brought you to some of those other levels.

    Cathouse Teris last blog post..I Am Woman, Hear Me Mew!

  • http://honeyandlance.com Lance

    Honey and others, those are all great points and I could hardly argue for mono sex any better.

    The concern I have with monogamy in marriage is that the sex will get stale after a certain number of years. Just for the sake of argument, let’s say 7 years. So if I get married at age 30 and at age 37 our sex life declines to twice per month (if that) and the wifey and I become “comfortable” with each other, what then? At 37, I’m not ready to have a shitty sex life. It’s not like I’m making this up. It’s a fact that the majority marrieds have mediocre sex after a certain number of years. It’s an old joke.

    Of the many ways to spice it up and recharge your sex life, one way is to introduce sex with other partners. Threesomes, a bit of swinging, hell try dating for stretch while you’re married. Shake it up. It’s not very practical because those things are frowned upon where we live, but there are people who do it.

    As I said, this is all theoretical because I haven’t been married nor am I near the age where it overly concerns me. I do know that I don’t want my sex drive to diminish, because my sexual motor is part and parcel of what makes me a creative, highly motivated man. Napoleon Hill talks about how sexual energy is the top energy source fueling our lives and is the source of inspiration and creativity. I believe this.

    If/when you get married, how do you plan to maintain your sex drive after 7, 10, or 15 years? This is a legit issue and the mainstream solution is this: do nothing and accept mediocrity.

    Lances last blog post..Top 5 Benefits of Monogamous Sex

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Well, obviously I don’t have a personal solution to offer since I’m not in that situation, but I think that you have to find someone for whom sex will always be a priority. I think that many people assume that because they have lots of sex at the beginning of a relationship, it means they have a high sex drive.

    I don’t think that this is true. There are other factors at work when you first start dating that override your natural sex drive, and it’s difficult to tell what the other person’s natural sex drive is unless they tell you–and so many people have never stopped to think about that, that they couldn’t give you an honest answer even if they wanted to.

    Personally, I’ve always had a higher sex drive than every single guy I’ve been in a LTR with (I don’t think you and I got out of the lust stage, Lance, so it’s hard to tell if we would have been compatible in that way) so this is a frustration that I can relate to. One of the big reasons that the BF broke up with his ex is that once the lust period had passed she was perfectly okay not having sex for months at a time, and would turn him down if he initiated it. So it is a frustration that he can relate to as well–which means that, overall, I’m not really worried about our future sex life.

    In the over two years we have been together I have NEVER turned him down when he initiated sex with me, and I can’t remember him turning me down, either, though there have been times where health, our hectic schedules, and the long distance thing did mean taking a raincheck. I think you need to really find out how often your partner wants to have sex, and you need to have that conversation after you’ve been dating awhile and/or not in a sexually charged circumstance to get an honest answer.

    Honeys last blog post..Top 5 Benefits of Monogamous Sex

  • http://www.idatewhite.com Eathan

    Very nice list…I figured as a woman you would put the intimacy level is more intense too. Did you forget that one? or should I just realize that as a given…lol

    Eathans last blog post..Pet Peeve #4

  • http://www.idatewhite.com Eathan

    HAHA… well i hope it doesn’t make me crave chocolate…

    Eathans last blog post..Pet Peeve #4

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Ha! I guess what I called “emotional fulfillment” you could also call intimacy. It’s pretty stellar stuff, IMO.

    Honeys last blog post..Top 5 Benefits of Monogamous Sex

  • Me Thinks

    Lance, I think you could make this its own post. I truly believe a lot of people get married and assume that sex doesn’t require any work now. Completely wrong, I would say in any serious, committed relationship that it requires MORE work than being single. I also agree with Honey that it doesn’t mean it has to be stale and boring, in fact I think its way better when you are with someone that you connect with on multiple levels AND you rock the bedroom (or couch or whatever).

    IMO there is no magic wand (tee hee, couldn’t resist) but both people need to discuss and be committed to maintaining a hot sexual relationship. For some people it means partners outside of each other but I for one do not think it needs to, I have a friend who has been married something like 30 years (she’s a lot older than me) but they still are getting it on like two college kids and are very happy.

  • Pingback: What Is Cheating, Anyway? | Honey and Lance

  • Laurie

    I love the list. I’m over 40 and intimacy is just not a big deal in sex. I have not had many partners and knowing the potential for medical problems will limit my future partners. The chemistry has to be there and I think I know it with a kiss. There are many other intimate moments in life.

  • http://www.cohabitual.com Ian Romaine

    Gotta agree, monogamous sex is very difficult to beat.

    One of the initial difficulties is pairing up with someone with a similar sex drive, but once that hurdle’s cleared it’s up, up and away — or rather, up, up and in! :D

    Ian Romaines last blog post..Three things to do together today… and tomorrow… and the day after that

  • http://www.edumckaytion.com/blog Scot McKay

    Outstanding work, H.

    Combine this concept with Lance’s post on the “Dirtiest, Filthiest Sex Ever” and that be pretty much unstoppable.

    Based on personal experience I would add a sixth: “TRYING to get pregnant instead of AVOIDING it”.

    Once you decide you actually WANT to have a kid and ALL concerns including birth control are out the window…wow.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    I hadn’t thought of that! I can see how it would open things up a lot more, both because you’re not worried about birth control and, wow! What an excuse to have sex as often as humanly possible.

    The BF and I don’t want kids, so he’ll probably get a vasectomy at some point. He’s definitely going on the male pill once it’s released (sometime this side of never, at this rate…)

    Honeys last blog post..Philosophy of Happiness

  • Gurgle

    The idea of a younger man who doesn’t have kids yet getting a vasectomy is a recipe for disaster. It may sound good right now, but afterwards there will be other feelings.

  • Azhar

    Pfft. Only a female would think monogamous sex is fun. Boooor-ing.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    The BF loves monogamy quite a bit, thanks to me! And while the media focus is on all the unsatisfied monogamous folks – men AND women – out there, there’s probably just as many who are completely satisfied. You just don’t hear about them because they don’t like to brag :-)

    Honey´s last blog post…Barack Obama Is Totally Jacked, And This Is A Good Thing