So, with all the talk going around about open relationships and “growing with your partner,” I feel like I have to come to the defense of good old monogamous sex. I do admit that there’s something to the anticipation and sexual tension of a first time, and there’s obviously something to be said for variety. However, aside from the obvious benefits of not having to use a condom, I think that monogamous sex has the potential to be far more exciting and fulfilling than sex with a bunch of different partners. Here, Honey’s Top Five Benefits of Monogamous Sex.
When I was dating and getting ready to sleep with someone for the first time, the thing I wondered the most was whether the other person was going to be any good. I would say about a fifth of the people I’ve ever slept with have been any good at all (probably less), so it was a valid worry. Once you’ve found that special someone, then you can get excited not about the potential that you’ll be sexually compatible and have a great time, but the certainty of it. Nothing gets me hotter than that certainty. It increases my (already impressive) sex drive and serves as automatic foreplay. And believe me, nothing gets a guy harder faster than knowing you’re already wet at the mere thought of sleeping with him.
Here’s where the no-condoms thing really comes in handy. If the woman’s on the pill and everyone’s been tested for STDs, then that means that anytime the BF wants to bend me over the bed, slip my bikini bottom off in the pool, or pull me down doggy-style on the living room floor, he can do it. And once the FDA gets off its butt and the pill for men is introduced, then it’ll become even more possible for spontaneity to take the forefront in monogamous relationships. Being monogamous also means that you can participate worry-free in sexual activities that would otherwise be riskier, like oral sex (especially after you’ve already had sex) and pooper sex.
Okay, obviously if you’re going to be monogamous then you don’t get variety in the sense of sleeping with different people, but that’s hardly the only definition of the word. When you’ve got a steady partner then you can stop worrying/wondering if you’re going to have sex and start focusing on where and when you’re going to have sex, as well as what it’s going to consist of. I have a list of locations and positions as well as ways to incorporate the wide variety of vibrators, lube, warming lotion, and Viagra in our possession, and that doesn’t even take into account the sexual position cards and other erotic “board games” in my goody drawer. And of course, if you’re traveling with your partner then that opens up not only the new locations, but as the BF says, an ability to shed any inhibitions or routines associated with your home and breathe new life into your relationship.
4. Fantasy Fulfillment
Perhaps the biggest benefit to monogamous sex is trusting someone enough to tell them the fantasies that you’ve always been too shy or embarrassed to share with more casual partners. After we’d been dating for about a year, the BF wrote me a letter about his sexual preferences and fantasies, and after reading it, I was thrilled to reciprocate with a letter of my own. Obviously the details of those letters are too personal to reveal, but let’s just say that they were each five single-spaced pages long. We’ve had the opportunity to take steps to fulfill those fantasies that we never even came close to achieving in previous relationships. Plus, any time our sex life is in danger of getting stale, we revisit the list and find something new to incorporate or strive for (see variety!).
5. Emotional Fulfillment
So, despite the fact that (for me at least) simple companionship isn’t enough for a relationship to be considered a total success, it is definitely an important part. With all of my previous partners, during sex I always wondered–do they feel what I feel? Does what feels good for me feel good for them? Similarly, whenever the sex was over I always wondered–did they have as good time as I did? With the BF, I never have to wonder–he’s the only person I have ever felt so connected to during sex that I know we feel the same things, or at least as close as two different people can feel. I love laying next to him when we’re both sweaty and sticky from various fluids but still kissing, and running our hands over each others’ bodies, and knowing that we’ve managed to shrink the whole world to the size of our bed and shut out everything and everyone that might distract or stress us out.
Of course, truly achieving the benefits of monogamous sex means that you have to put sexual compatibility high enough on your list of priorities in finding a mate that you have that certainty. Shockingly, the BF told me once that before dating me, he’d never thought about whether or not his girlfriends were any good in bed. In retrospect, he realized that was because none of them were. He literally had never had sex that was good enough to set it apart from the rest of the pack, so he figured that sex was pretty much the same no matter who it was with. Now his standards are permanently high–which, even if we didn’t end up together, means that I added value to his life. And now that I know how good it can be, I could never settle for anything less. Fortunately, we’re monogamous, so I don’t have to.