About the Author

Honey's main interests are online dating, long distance dating, and long term relationships. She met her boyfriend on MySpace and they have been exclusive since their first date over three years ago. Currently they live in Tempe, Arizona. Honey graduated with her PhD in Composition and Rhetoric in May 2009. You can contact Honey via email here or online here.

Top 5 Benefits of Monogamous Sex

So, with all the talk going around about open relationships and “growing with your partner,” I feel like I have to come to the defense of good old monogamous sex.  I do admit that there’s something to the anticipation and sexual tension of a first time, and there’s obviously something to be said for variety.  However, aside from the obvious benefits of not having to use a condom, I think that monogamous sex has the potential to be far more exciting and fulfilling than sex with a bunch of different partners.  Here, Honey’s Top Five Benefits of Monogamous Sex.

1. Excitement

When I was dating and getting ready to sleep with someone for the first time, the thing I wondered the most was whether the other person was going to be any good.  I would say about a fifth of the people I’ve ever slept with have been any good at all (probably less), so it was a valid worry.  Once you’ve found that special someone, then you can get excited not about the potential that you’ll be sexually compatible and have a great time, but the certainty of it.  Nothing gets me hotter than that certainty. It increases my (already impressive) sex drive and serves as automatic foreplay.  And believe me, nothing gets a guy harder faster than knowing you’re already wet at the mere thought of sleeping with him.

2. Spontaneity

Here’s where the no-condoms thing really comes in handy.  If the woman’s on the pill and everyone’s been tested for STDs, then that means that anytime the BF wants to bend me over the bed, slip my bikini bottom off in the pool, or pull me down doggy-style on the living room floor, he can do it. And once the FDA gets off its butt and the pill for men is introduced, then it’ll become even more possible for spontaneity to take the forefront in monogamous relationships. Being monogamous also means that you can participate worry-free in sexual activities that would otherwise be riskier, like oral sex (especially after you’ve already had sex) and pooper sex.

3.  Variety

Okay, obviously if you’re going to be monogamous then you don’t get variety in the sense of sleeping with different people, but that’s hardly the only definition of the word.  When you’ve got a steady partner then you can stop worrying/wondering if you’re going to have sex and start focusing on where and when you’re going to have sex, as well as what it’s going to consist of.  I have a list of locations and positions as well as ways to incorporate the wide variety of vibrators, lube, warming lotion, and Viagra in our possession, and that doesn’t even take into account the sexual position cards and other erotic “board games” in my goody drawer.  And of course, if you’re traveling with your partner then that opens up not only the new locations, but as the BF says, an ability to shed any inhibitions or routines associated with your home and breathe new life into your relationship.

4. Fantasy Fulfillment

Perhaps the biggest benefit to monogamous sex is trusting someone enough to tell them the fantasies that you’ve always been too shy or embarrassed to share with more casual partners.  After we’d been dating for about a year, the BF wrote me a letter about his sexual preferences and fantasies, and after reading it, I was thrilled to reciprocate with a letter of my own.  Obviously the details of those letters are too personal to reveal, but let’s just say that they were each five single-spaced pages long.  We’ve had the opportunity to take steps to fulfill those fantasies that we never even came close to achieving in previous relationships. Plus, any time our sex life is in danger of getting stale, we revisit the list and find something new to incorporate or strive for (see variety!).

5.  Emotional Fulfillment

So, despite the fact that (for me at least) simple companionship isn’t enough for a relationship to be considered a total success, it is definitely an important part.  With all of my previous partners, during sex I always wondered–do they feel what I feel?  Does what feels good for me feel good for them?  Similarly, whenever the sex was over I always wondered–did they have as good time as I did?  With the BF, I never have to wonder–he’s the only person I have ever felt so connected to during sex that I know we feel the same things, or at least as close as two different people can feel.  I love laying next to him when we’re both sweaty and sticky from various fluids but still kissing, and running our hands over each others’ bodies, and knowing that we’ve managed to shrink the whole world to the size of our bed and shut out everything and everyone that might distract or stress us out.

Conclusion

Of course, truly achieving the benefits of monogamous sex means that you have to put sexual compatibility high enough on your list of priorities in finding a mate that you have that certainty.  Shockingly, the BF told me once that before dating me, he’d never thought about whether or not his girlfriends were any good in bed.  In retrospect, he realized that was because none of them were.  He literally had never had sex that was good enough to set it apart from the rest of the pack, so he figured that sex was pretty much the same no matter who it was with.  Now his standards are permanently high–which, even if we didn’t end up together, means that I added value to his life.  And now that I know how good it can be, I could never settle for anything less.  Fortunately, we’re monogamous, so I don’t have to.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    I also don’t understand what’s exciting about non-monogamous sex. What is it?

    Honey´s last blog post…Barack Obama Is Totally Jacked, And This Is A Good Thing

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Well, I actually like the pills that I’m on (never having a period is AWESOME) so he’ll probably just go on the male period, too, so no one needs to have a surgery. But I’m not sure I understand why a reversible surgery would change any feelings.

    Honey´s last blog post…Barack Obama Is Totally Jacked, And This Is A Good Thing

  • http://www.worklovelife.com Holly Hoffman

    My monogamous sex life was way more exciting than my non-monogamous. I’m simply not comfortable enough with someone who isn’t attached to me to be completely uninhibited, and too shy to ask for what I really want, unless I’m with someone who’s willing to grow & experiment with me sexually.

    And only a guy who can’t bring his A game regularly would say monogamous sex is boring. That’s the thing about monogamous sex – you have a relationship, so if you suck pretty much all the time, she’ll know. So I can see why a guy who can’t perform would prefer non-monogamous sex. ;)

    Holly Hoffman´s last blog post…How I Found Our Voices

  • http://honeyandlance.com Lance

    Glad to see this thread is being revisited. I think monogamous sex is great, as good or better than non-mono sex, but what can get tedious is LTR sex. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. Couples who have been married for years and have ZERO interest in each other sexually. I have like 5 friends who are like this, my age, who have been married between 4-7 years. The fact is, if you’re married or in an LTR for a long time, there is a high probability that the passion will wane.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    I can also see how someone who wasn’t very experienced might say they prefer non-monogamous sex. You can make claims about number of partners (and even experience a limited type of variety that way). I prefer my variety in terms of locations, positions, and activities.

    Honey´s last blog post…Barack Obama Is Totally Jacked, And This Is A Good Thing

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Everyone knows what you’re talking about, but those are the couples who, IMO had zero interest in each other sexually in the first place. Anyone can have sex a bunch of times a day in the beginning of the relationship – that’s why sexual compatibility and the amount of effort you’re willing to put in are so important.

    I used to watch this (now cancelled) TV show with a marriage counselor and the vast majority of couples had the EXACT SAME COMPLAINTS about their love life. To me this says more that couples like the ones you mention have problems more due to poor communication than lack of a sex drive.

    Honey´s last blog post…Barack Obama Is Totally Jacked, And This Is A Good Thing

  • http://honeyandlance.com Lance

    I agree def about sexual compatibility being of paramount importance. I do think sexual compatibility and regular relationship compatibility is exceedingly rare. My central argument, also, is that monogamy is an unnatural state for humans (particularly men), so combine all that and you have low probabilities for anyone having good sex deep into an LTR.

    As for my friends, communication is not the sex killer, IMO. They just not attracted to each other any more.

    Lance´s last blog post…Barack Obama Is Totally Jacked, And This Is A Good Thing

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    That’s sad. It sounds like they didn’t date long enough before getting married, or they got married too young.

    Honey´s last blog post…Barack Obama Is Totally Jacked, And This Is A Good Thing

  • http://honeyandlance.com Lance

    All of them are good people, but mediocre in attractiveness. They settled, and traded in passion for family stability.

    Lance´s last blog post…Barack Obama Is Totally Jacked, And This Is A Good Thing

  • http://honeyandlance.com Lance

    All of them are good people. Mediocre in attractiveness. They settled and traded in good sex for family stability.

    Lance´s last blog post…Barack Obama Is Totally Jacked, And This Is A Good Thing

  • Gurgle

    First, it is *generally* reversible. You can’t count on it.

    Secondly, you are looking at between $5-10K in medical expenses that are not covered by insurance if you decide on the reversal. Imagine that, plus finding out it was unsuccessful.

    Also, there are plenty of cases of chronic pain produced by the procedure.

    Finally, there can be serious psychological issues caused by being unable to reproduce. It is similar to, but not exactly like what women experience during menopause.

    I’m just saying do some thorough research beforehand. The fellow who is going to go through with it also should be darn sure it is what he wants.

    Take care.

  • srikant

    i stumbled upon this article, and it amuses me how you americans are almost bordering on becoming sex maniacs. Sex is a small part of a relationship ,when u deeply love the other person the high u get by looking in her eyes, holding hands and being romantic and surprising in general is so emotionally fulfilling and u get an emotional orgasm many times,who cares about how many times u get physical orgasm. I view sex as a celebration of one another’s love. And it is just an accessory ,the main thing for me is the presence of my soulmate and the fact tat she completes me :)

  • Libertine

    And with open relationships and polyamory you get multiple times the benefits of numbers 1-5.

  • Honey

    I couldn’t disagree more, Libertine. All the polys I have known (and I dated two) were a mess. I was far less satisfied in those situations. Because really, finding ONE person who meets my standards was hard enough – NUMEROUS people? And having to navigate all the emotional reactions and interpersonal dynamics stemming from the fact that each of them have multiple intimate relationships? Sounds tedious at best. I’ll stick with Jake!

  • Kay

    I think when you are with someone you are truly meant to be with, and is of like mind, you grow, breaking old belief systems like “humans cant possibly be monogamous because eons ago we had multiple partners”. Frankly, I think the higher social powers set us up to be in monogamous relationships only so they could brake them with media and one sided science that has little merit. When were all in emotional upheaval and fear its easier for them to influence us with their media jargon. Just a thought. I think some people want monogamy, some don’t, but feel obligated. Sex with different people is, in essence kind of always the same, and always leaves you wanting more. That is not what being truly free is about.Trying to keep a loving monogamous relationship spicy takes real skill, tact,and imagination. When you see you are actually making it work, you are instilled with pride and fulfillment that makes you feel above and beyond the norm. I find that often what my bf is actually looking for is my acceptance, and his favorite way for me to show that is to give him body rubs, call him handsome, and gently run my fingers through his hair. He turns to puddy (sp?) and I like knowing I am the only women willing to take the time to do that for him because I know he wouldn’t trade it for anything. Yes, we love our sexually monogamous relationship, and we like others to know it.