A person who can pickup anyone with minimal effort would choose to commit to someone because of the emotional depth (depth of intimacy) you can only achieve in a committed relationship.

Most players or PUAs only look at people as static so they decide to have multiple partners for variety.

But the more masterful lovers realize that you can achieve variety through the depth of emotion and through the experience you create with that one person.

People are dynamic so if you can challenge each other to “be more” every time, if you can explore one another’s different sides and facets every time, why would you need someone else?

Alternatively, if you have something good with someone (and assuming you are coming from a place of power and choice), why would you want to jeopardize the good thing you already have with that one person?

With trust and respect with one person, you can explore a lot deeper things. Having multiple partners don’t always allow for that same kind of intimacy.

Khiem´s last blog post…Thinking The Natural Way

Jonsi´s last blog post…Still Sick

Well, it’s 5:20AM here in Asia. I just came back from Canada, and I’m still jet-lagged, so… might as well write a bit more, lol.

A quick edit on the “explicit” thing. I should have written that what is explicit is not the screening per se but the *purpose* of the date as screening.

Rather than making the purpose as just “having fun and getting to know a cute guy/gal,” the bad kind of dating makes the purpose “to screen this person as a potential spouse or long-term partner.” This has negative practical implications.

Happy New Year!

The Asian Rake´s last blog post…Thought Leader Interview with Lance

I did the interview on the presupposition that I was speaking to people within the “community” so I assumed that people would know what I was getting at when attacking “courtship” and “dating.”

But of course, all of these words—“dating,” “courtship”—have a long history and mean different things to different people.

That’s why in my first answer, I described “dating” in a specific manner and rejected that definition of “dating”: An ELABORATE or EXPENSIVE event with the EXPLICIT purpose of screening the other person for a LONG-TERM relationship leading to MARRIAGE. Emphasis is on the all caps words. And I said that “dating” OUGHT to go out the window not that it already has.

I realize that this is a packed definition. I’m a philosopher by training, so please forgive my sometimes overly pedantic prose.

The key points here are that this kind of “dating” is costly and inconvenient, and there is an explicit agenda of evaluating someone as a marriage prospect. This is still the prevailing model for dating in conservative societies.

Notice that I didn’t say anything about teasing, flirting, or seduction. After all, those all things that the community and I teach!

What do I propose as an alternative to the traditional view of dating?

This goes right to the topic of what the community has come to call, “Day 2s,” and gets at the reason we use the term, “Day 2,” rather than “date.” The Day 2 generally refers to the “first date” (unless there is an instadate, which occurs when you go out with the person on the same day you meet them; the principles are the same though).

In my Dating 101 audio course I spend a considerable amount of time explaining Day 2s.

The principles behind a good Day 2 apply to every date preceding physical intimacy, as well as to most dates thereafter, though especially on special occasions, you can certainly make exceptions by putting in more time and effort or spending more money.

When I run my Day 2 strategy successfully, not only do I have a lot of fun, but my love interest also has a wonderful time, and we both get to know each other better in a more relaxed and natural manner. So I think the cardinal rules of Day 2s are far superior for both parties involved.

In my Dating 101 audio course, I cover in much more detail the principles of an effective Day 2. But this is what I can say in this small space.

A good Day 2 should be:
-Fun and light
-As stress-free as possible
-Convenient for both parties,
-Conducive to conversation
-And most of all, fun.
Did I mention that it should be fun?

When there’s a lot of investment in terms of money or time or effort on the Day 2, then there’s going to be a lot of social pressure. This will generally cause people to be nervous and not act as their genuine, natural selves.

Also, if you are explicitly evaluating someone for a life-long commitment (marriage) in the early stages of dating, then you’re creating a huge amount of pressure and setting up unrealistically high expectations of what you can find out from such “dates.”

Instead of making promises about entire lifetimes based on just a limited number of dates, it’s far better to take it a step at a time.

“I don’t know what will become of us ten years from now, but I do know that I want to be with you today and to see you again tomorrow.” That kind of attitude is a far better approach to “dating.”

The stipulation of being against “explicit” screening is important as of course, we all “implicitly” screen for qualities that we want. In fact, I recommend it. Go check out my article on Believability, in which I go into detail about Screening and Qualifying as a technique. You can find this in my Best of the Blog section on my sites.

This old-fashioned view of dating still exists not just in Asia but also in segments of America and Europe, and I think it severely handicaps both men and women from presenting their best selves and from finding ideal partners.

Cheers, The Asian Rake.

The Asian Rake´s last blog post…Feature Article in Shin Ming Daily News

I may be old-fashioned, but courtship, and slowly getting to know someone, with lots of flirting and teasing and seduction and “mental foreplay” is pretty cool. So, too, is being genuine and interested (and interesting) when meeting people. Then you don’t need to spend money of people’s pick-up tricks.

Kat Wilder´s last blog post…But I don’t want to do it all myself!

As far as a definition for dating goes, I think that’s probably as individual and varied as all of us and our perspectives are.

lisaq´s last blog post…Dating DNA

Most PUA’s don’t believe in “dating” because they can get the sex and the relationships without all the courtship business.

For me, dating is a loose term, and I use that label for whenever I go out and do something fun with a girl, like getting drinks or partying or whatever, AND we have some kind of physical relationship established. I also use the term dating if I’m in the early stages of a relationship, as in “me and so-and-so are dating.” So, I imagine Rake has dated plenty of chicks or is currently dating someone, by my definition, although perhaps he doesn’t use that label.

I thought it was interesting what he said about the gray area of relationship management. Something I’d like to dive into.

Lance´s last blog post…Thought Leader Interview Series: Asian Rake

Holly Hoffman´s last blog post…Do Your Job Like It’s Your Business