Comments on: The Art of Being Picky: What’s Negotiable and What’s Not http://honeyandlance.com/the-art-of-being-picky-whats-negotiable-and-whats-not Dating, Relationships, Pickup, Life Tue, 16 Mar 2010 21:28:45 -0400 http://wordpress.org/?v=abc hourly 1 By: Gina http://honeyandlance.com/the-art-of-being-picky-whats-negotiable-and-whats-not/comment-page-1#comment-13195 Gina Tue, 24 Mar 2009 06:34:59 +0000 http://honeyandlance.com/the-art-of-being-picky-whats-negotiable-and-whats-not#comment-13195 I like the list idea. I also agree with the fact you need to be honest in what makes you truly happy and couldnt live without (to find happy long term relationship/partnership). It's not about listing a billion non-neg for the sake of being picky, and if you find yourself having too many you can always compromise and reevaulate your goals. I agree with the poster, that is one of my non-neg too with someone who likes lots of sex, you think it's easy to find but suprising some people don't have a high energy sex drive... so its important to know whats important and make sure those needs are met, just like you said so you don't end up marrying someone who is satisfied with sex 1 time a month. ahhhh... lol I like the list idea. I also agree with the fact you need to be honest in what makes you truly happy and couldnt live without (to find happy long term relationship/partnership). It’s not about listing a billion non-neg for the sake of being picky, and if you find yourself having too many you can always compromise and reevaulate your goals.

I agree with the poster, that is one of my non-neg too with someone who likes lots of sex, you think it’s easy to find but suprising some people don’t have a high energy sex drive… so its important to know whats important and make sure those needs are met, just like you said so you don’t end up marrying someone who is satisfied with sex 1 time a month. ahhhh… lol

]]> By: Honey http://honeyandlance.com/the-art-of-being-picky-whats-negotiable-and-whats-not/comment-page-1#comment-43 Honey Fri, 22 Feb 2008 03:30:36 +0000 http://honeyandlance.com/the-art-of-being-picky-whats-negotiable-and-whats-not#comment-43 HAF, I think the problem is that when people make these lists, they have their COMPLETE AND TOTAL ideal in mind and list everything as a non-negotiable. If you do that, obviously you're going to be disappointed! When I was creating my list way back in the day, it helped me to think of my list like a pyramid: there should be a very few TRULY important things that I could NEVER compromise at the top, more RELATIVELY important things that I'd have to have a working compromise** in place to deal with in the middle, and very many things that just aren't sticking points at all at the bottom. If your pyramid's upside down, then you're in trouble. I got a lot of flak from friends back in my dating phase because they said I had "too many" non-negotiable things. In retrospect, I think what was ACTUALLY going on was that my non-negotiables were different from my friends', so my list seemed unreasonable to them. In that kind of situation, it's important to remember that what is "compromisable" in a friendship is different from what is compromisable in a relationship. I stuck to my guns and ultimately found what I wanted. **By working compromise I mean that both partners know where the other stands on a particular issue, and have an actual agreement about what each will do in a particular situation. What I said in my original post about dating a carnivore is an example of a working compromise: he could eat meat elsewhere, but not in our house. HAF, I think the problem is that when people make these lists, they have their COMPLETE AND TOTAL ideal in mind and list everything as a non-negotiable. If you do that, obviously you’re going to be disappointed!

When I was creating my list way back in the day, it helped me to think of my list like a pyramid: there should be a very few TRULY important things that I could NEVER compromise at the top, more RELATIVELY important things that I’d have to have a working compromise** in place to deal with in the middle, and very many things that just aren’t sticking points at all at the bottom. If your pyramid’s upside down, then you’re in trouble.

I got a lot of flak from friends back in my dating phase because they said I had “too many” non-negotiable things. In retrospect, I think what was ACTUALLY going on was that my non-negotiables were different from my friends’, so my list seemed unreasonable to them. In that kind of situation, it’s important to remember that what is “compromisable” in a friendship is different from what is compromisable in a relationship. I stuck to my guns and ultimately found what I wanted.

**By working compromise I mean that both partners know where the other stands on a particular issue, and have an actual agreement about what each will do in a particular situation. What I said in my original post about dating a carnivore is an example of a working compromise: he could eat meat elsewhere, but not in our house.

]]> By: Honey http://honeyandlance.com/the-art-of-being-picky-whats-negotiable-and-whats-not/comment-page-1#comment-42 Honey Fri, 22 Feb 2008 03:11:57 +0000 http://honeyandlance.com/the-art-of-being-picky-whats-negotiable-and-whats-not#comment-42 Lilly, I totally agree that you can't abandon your list once you've entered into a LTR, though I never thought about it in those terms. I think the list remains important because inevitably, no matter how thorough you think you were, there are going to be things that you didn't include. However, the list also serves to make sure that your relationship is growing in a way that takes both people into account. Obviously your ability to truly compromise (i.e., give up some things YOU want, too) is incredibly important in a LTR. Thanks for helping me consider this from a new perspective! <em>Honey's last blog post..<a href='http://honeyandlance.com/contact#comment-5' rel="nofollow">By: HoneyandLance.com | Hottiesphere</a></em> Lilly, I totally agree that you can’t abandon your list once you’ve entered into a LTR, though I never thought about it in those terms. I think the list remains important because inevitably, no matter how thorough you think you were, there are going to be things that you didn’t include.

However, the list also serves to make sure that your relationship is growing in a way that takes both people into account. Obviously your ability to truly compromise (i.e., give up some things YOU want, too) is incredibly important in a LTR.

Thanks for helping me consider this from a new perspective!

Honey’s last blog post..By: HoneyandLance.com | Hottiesphere

]]> By: Hot Alpha Female http://honeyandlance.com/the-art-of-being-picky-whats-negotiable-and-whats-not/comment-page-1#comment-39 Hot Alpha Female Thu, 21 Feb 2008 08:22:39 +0000 http://honeyandlance.com/the-art-of-being-picky-whats-negotiable-and-whats-not#comment-39 Hi honey, I think a list is really important. Its good to know what you are looking for so you can filter out all the people that aren’t really your type at all. The most important thing to me with a guy is mindset. Meaning to say i want him to have an extremely open and positive mindset with similar directions in life. For me there is nothing more worse than going out on a date with a guy who doesn’t think as expansive as I do. No matter how cocky or funny he is .. he just doesn’t float my boat and ultimately even if I do see him a couple more times, it will fizzle out because there is no depth to sustain the relationship. Having a list is great. You really need to define what your non negotiables are and stick by them. With that being said all the other stuff should be compromisable. While you do want a list, you don't want to be soo picky that it makes everyone hard to make the cut. Hot Alpha Female http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com <em>Hot Alpha Female's last blog post..<a href='http://hotalphafemale.blogspot.com/2008/02/one-of-most-powerful-ways-to-create.html' rel="nofollow">One Of The Most Powerful Ways to Create Attraction – And It Has Nothing To Do With The Way You Look Or What Car You Drive …</a></em> Hi honey,
I think a list is really important. Its good to know what you are looking for so you can filter out all the people that aren’t really your type at all.

The most important thing to me with a guy is mindset. Meaning to say i want him to have an extremely open and positive mindset with similar directions in life.

For me there is nothing more worse than going out on a date with a guy who doesn’t think as expansive as I do. No matter how cocky or funny he is .. he just doesn’t float my boat and ultimately even if I do see him a couple more times, it will fizzle out because there is no depth to sustain the relationship.

Having a list is great. You really need to define what your non negotiables are and stick by them. With that being said all the other stuff should be compromisable.

While you do want a list, you don’t want to be soo picky that it makes everyone hard to make the cut.

Hot Alpha Female

http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com

Hot Alpha Female’s last blog post..One Of The Most Powerful Ways to Create Attraction – And It Has Nothing To Do With The Way You Look Or What Car You Drive …

]]> By: Lilly http://honeyandlance.com/the-art-of-being-picky-whats-negotiable-and-whats-not/comment-page-1#comment-38 Lilly Wed, 20 Feb 2008 13:58:53 +0000 http://honeyandlance.com/the-art-of-being-picky-whats-negotiable-and-whats-not#comment-38 Now I know what your problem is, Honey, you're a veggie!! Just kidding!! I have found that making a list is very powerful so I totally agree with your method of finding someone. You should update this list and se it as a means to keep you and your partner moving in the right direction. Even though I'm the same as Lance and dating multiple women, my ultimate goal, I think, is to find the perfect fit for me and live happily ever after, if that's even possible. Now I know what your problem is, Honey, you’re a veggie!! Just kidding!! I have found that making a list is very powerful so I totally agree with your method of finding someone. You should update this list and se it as a means to keep you and your partner moving in the right direction. Even though I’m the same as Lance and dating multiple women, my ultimate goal, I think, is to find the perfect fit for me and live happily ever after, if that’s even possible.

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