Technique for determing sex worthiness

If you want to get around the early sex problem, I have a great technique that can help. It’s designed to determine if your date is sex worthy and relationship worthy, which is at the heart of why someone wants to have sex on the first date. If you can determine the worthiness of the individual, you can decide whether to have sex or not.

The core of the technique is a conversation about two things:

  1. Her sexual values
  2. Her sexual style

I’ll use me as a example. For VALUES, I want to answer these questions early on:

  • How important is sex to her?
  • What’s her ideal frequency?
  • Is she spontaneous?
  • Is she adventurous?
  • What was her sex life like with her last partner? Was it good or bad? If bad, why?
  • Does she describe the sex she has as hot or wild?
  • Would she cut out of work to have hot sex?
  • Does she want kids, if so, when?
For STYLE, I want this knowledge:
  • Is she vanilla? Into bondage?
  • Any bisexual tendencies? Ever experimented with women?
  • Does she like spanking?
  • Is she orgasmic? How orgasmic? Can she orgasm from penetration? How frequently?
  • Is she girlfriendy / sweetheart?
  • What are her fantasies?
  • Does she masturbate?
  • Does she watch porn?
  • Does she like getting roughed up?
  • Does she have a feminine core?

This sounds like a lot of personal information and at first blush it may seem creepy to ask for stuff like this on the 1-3 dates. But, my game is good enough that I can smoothly initiate conversations about sex and make it completely safe and comfortable. On my first and second dates, my goal is to create a comfortable environment and get us talking about sex and relationships. In fact, ideally, I’d have this conversation before the first date, using either email or chat.

Once we start talking about sex and relationships, I can very easily tell if we’re compatible. I’d argue that this is MORE important than having fun together and whatever activity the date is ostensibly about. Once I know this info, I know if we’re relationship material, fuck buddies, or just friends. From there I can make a clear headed and safe decision about how to proceed.

What’s great about this? You don’t actually have to have sex with the other person unless you both mutually agree that you’re a good fit! It’s amazing…you can skip the awkward test driving part and just communicate about it.

I have a great recent example:

I met a chick through one of my social circles on Facebook. There was mutual attraction, so we both agreed to meet for a first date. Before the date happened, I ran my game and got us into a really fun and comfortable conversation about sex and relationships. The way I started this was with a hypothetical question: “I have a friend who has a weird position on sex. If you’ve had sex in the past and then decide to not have sex until marriage, why would you do that?”

These quasi intellectual questions are great for getting into a down and dirty convo on sex :)

We talked sex for about an hour and I answered pretty much every question above. Importantly, I found out she won’t have sex until marriage, she’s hyper Christian, and she doesn’t masturbate, three things that conflict with me. These were dealbreakers.

Since our sexual values weren’t aligned, I told her right then and there that I couldn’t be her boyfriend, but if she wanted to hang out and have fun occasionally, I’d be down with that (code for fuck buddy). We knew exactly where both of us stood and there was no bullshitting around.

This all happened before the first date and saved a lot of wasted time and stress down the road. Oh yeah, we still went on the first date 😉

This is what real communication is all about. I want to encourage everyone to not shy away from talking about sex and instead get into the down and dirty of it.

My advice for Jeske is to look in social circles where her values are aligned with the values of the single guys. If she’s fishing in bars and clubs, then the values are more aligned towards fast sex. She should also check if she’s looking at the 20-something who party all the time or the 30-something divorced set. There’s a big difference in values there.

  • Inner West

    I think conversations about sex from men are as creepy as conversations about marriage and children from women and yet I’m a nympho (literally diagnosed as one) so hopefully my comment might shed light on this article – it’s not cool to talk about it so soon and we know about hypothetical questions and where they are leading…we humour you guys most of the time. If you use this line you’ll look as desperate as 80% of all the men out there and what you really want to portray is a man who’s focussed on everything but sex…now that’s hot because it’s sooooo rare.

  • Jennifer Briffa

    I agree with the statement that you should not need to test drive someone to find out your degree of sexual “compatibility”, and that thoughtfully discussing your expectations and desires is as good a way of finding out how in sync you might be as actually having sex. But I think that talking about sex even before you meet a person in an attempt to rule out women prematurely so that you don’t “waste” each other’s time is absurd. How can you ever truly open yourself up to falling in love if you are constantly testing people before they ever get the chance to reveal their true selves to you? Perhaps if you had been open to dating the girl who was waiting, and took your time getting to know her, you might have found that she possessed a lot of the qualities you are looking for in a life partner. Just as I have had to relax my deal-breaker about not bothering to respond to men on dating sites who aren’t clear about wanting kids, you are cutting off women who have the potential to be great partners because you’re too wrapped up in having your own expectations satisfied. Stop trying to test people, give them a chance and you could be pleasantly surprised. One other thing: try to think less about your own needs and desires, and think more often about whether or not you are capable of meeting another person’s needs, and your perspective will exponentially change for the better. Far too many people are so obsessed with getting their own needs met that they don’t stop to consider whether they have the qualities another person would want and need.