All Posts Tagged With: "relationships"

So a reader, Jessica, emailed me in response to my post on relationship experience here. Her main point:

So reading your key to a successful relationship made me think immediately of Catch-22. I really hope we’re not all doomed to relationship failure just because we haven’t had enough failed relationships in the past!

What I think Jessica is assuming is that since your past relationships are, well, in the past, that makes them failures, ie they didn’t last. My thing was that you should accumulate relationship experience as you move towards the next stage of your life (whatever that may be), but on the way all of your relationships should be ones of value. Just because you broke up with a gf or bf doesn’t mean that you didn’t enrich that person’s life for the time that you were with them. Even if you just dated someone for a few dates, you should have learned a bit more about attraction and had some good conversations too. Don’t undervalue these things, even if they were short term!

Continued

When I was still taking coursework, one of the requirements was a linguistics class. We read an article about a researcher who studied the language people use when speaking to close friends, relatives, or significant others versus the language that people use when speaking to strangers or people they don’t know as well. The study found that when speaking to people we know well, we have a tendency to use far more pronouns (as opposed to nouns) and other vague referents (for example, using a “code word” that refers to a mutually experienced event or story that both people know). On the other hand, when speaking to people we don’t know well, we have a tendency to use far more nouns (which are more specific) and to tell stories in their entirety.

This plays out in interesting ways when you start dating someone, because once you get past the very initial stages (let’s say about three months, which is my “shit or get off the pot” moment in dating) you have a tendency to start thinking that the other person knows you better than they do…and then you start getting vaguer and vaguer without realizing it. This can lead to misunderstandings if you’re not careful. Continued

So we posed the question–

“How do you define successful relationships, and what does it take to achieve that success?”

I have given this a lot of thought (and everyone’s comments and blogs on the subject were great fodder for that thinking, so thanks, everyone!). As many of you have pointed out, there are so many things that are “musts” in relationships that it’s hard to pick just one. However, I think that all of the musts that are out there boil down to one thing, and it’s simpler than most of us are willing to admit:

A successful relationship is one where both people are looking for the same thing, and find it in each other. Continued

Tags: dating, honesty, kickass contest, relationships

“How do you define successful relationships, and what does it take to achieve that success?”

I want to start off by answering the second part of the question first. In my opinion, the very best way to achieve relationship success is with experience. Let me say that again, but this time in bold:

EXPERIENCE

Continued

Update: A couple of bloggers emailed us and said they wanted to participate but were traveling thru the weekend…this includes Honey and myself (not that we’re eligible for prizes). Thus, we’re extending the contest deadline until Wednesday, April 9. Feel free to jump in.

Okay, people, here’s the deal. We’re holding our first contest. I’m holding the 1st place prize in my nimble little fingers:

Yes, that’s a $25 gift card from Borders. Redeemable at any Borders Store or online. Modest, I know, but that’s what we got. Pick up that new Eckhart Tolle book you’ve been eyeing.

Second prize is a $15 amazon.com gift certificate, which gets emailed to you.

So the contest is really simple. We’re looking for your take on a relationship question. Respondents can leave their advice/take/perspective in the comments section of this post. If you’re a blogger, feel free to post the response on your own blog and drop the link in our comments. As always, we’re looking for real deal advice, interesting perspectives, and the straight dope. Any embedded stories of wanton sex and extraordinary jackassery will, of course, get special consideration.

Feel free to respond to the comments by using the reply to this comment feature. The point of the contest is to get a bunch of different perspectives in one place and get people flaming communicating with one another. We’ve invited a number of our blogging colleagues to join the fray, to include dating advice columnists, married folk, social artists, and regular people who have interesting opinions.

Honey and I will judge. And by judge I mean pick based on a purely subjective basis. Contest closes on Monday, April 7. We’ll announce a winner next week.

Here’s the question:

“How do you define successful relationships, and what does it take to achieve that success?”

Fire away!!!

This is part 3 of my FB thread. Part 1 is how we met, part 2 is how we closed the deal. This post includes the reflections and insights I had on the process of obtaining an FB. At the bottom I tell the story of how I fucked up a past relationship in true chode-like fashion.

Here are my takeaways:

Continued

We got back from San Francisco yesterday, and then I had barely enough time to unpack, repack, and drive back to Flagstaff (whew!). We managed to divide our vacation time fairly equally between my friends (I was there for a conference) and his friends (we were staying with someone he knows from his Master’s degree who lives in the city). We didn’t have time to do everything, but we did manage to do each other! Addendum to my travel advice from before: leave at least one entire afternoon free for a pub crawl. We try to do this in every city we visit–the pure freedom of having to take a cab anyway means no d-driver! Other addenda: Continued

Though my days as a carefree (ha!) graduate student are nearing their end, it is officially “spring break” for Honey. And in that spirit, here’s a travel edition of my blog. Traveling with your SO has some fantastic benefits: shared experience and the inevitable inside jokes and stories that result bond you as a couple; you get to get the hell out of your been-there, done-that town and do something cool; when you’re out of the comfort zone that you live in, you’re more likely to get out of your comfort zone sexually. Of course, it’s an intense dose of your SO, and anything that annoys you about him or her is likely to be intensified as a result of so much undiluted time together–kind of like drinking lemon juice instead of lemonade. But, if you’re willing to put a little effort in, you can have an absolutely amazing time. Here you are: Honey’s Top Five Tips for Tantric Travel (okay, maybe not tantric, but the alliteration was just too much to resist…)

Tip #1: Don’t Forget the Pragmatics–A Mini Checklist

Okay, I hate to start out with the boring advice, but you’ll never really be able to enjoy your trip if you don’t feel absolutely confident that everything’s taken care of so that you can relax while you’re away. My BF’s ex got sick on every single trip they ever went on because she was so stressed about things going well.

• Pack Airborne, painkillers, Kaopectate, and Benadryl in addition to any prescription medications.
• Hire a petsitter or a housesitter. If you’re nervous about being away, most services will call or e-mail you daily to let you know everything’s all right.
• Arrange rides to and from the airport. Make sure your return flight doesn’t get you back so late that you have to rush off to work the next morning tired (thus ruining whatever relaxing effect the vacation had).
• Check the weather for your destination, and pack for inclement weather.
• Bring at least 150% of the money you think you will spend (twice as much is better, especially if you’re traveling abroad).
• If you can afford it (and depending on what time you will get in or fly out) consider reserving your hotel room for an extra day on either side of when you plan to be there. Then you can check in or out at your leisure rather than at the hotel’s convenience (I have yet to be able to afford to do this, but can’t wait for the day when I can!). Nothing’s worse than a redeye flight when you can’t check into your room until 2.

I know I’m being a little bit of a Virgo here, but you’ll feel much more free to relax, be spontaneous, and enjoy yourself if you know that everything that can be taken care of, is.

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In days of yore, men and women used to fight over the TV remote. Actually, I remember the days before remotes. My dad and mom got to sit on the couch and my sister and I sat on the floor, and when my dad wanted the channel changed, we did it for him. I was convinced for a long time that was why people had children–they never had to get up off the couch.

In days of slightly less yore, men and women used to fight over the TV remote. Then the DVR came along and changed all that. It was no longer so necessary to fight over the remote at any given time, because you can record things and watch them later. Plus, if you watch them later then you don’t have to watch the commercials.

This means that if so you kind of get a power flip, and whoever has the least power has to watch their show live, commercials and all, while the other person’s show records.

I canceled my cable at my apartment in Flagstaff because I wasn’t watching it much when I was in town anyway, and so I could chip in for satellite at my BF’s (student loan repayments more than he bargained for so he’s a little short on cash and I figured I could help out).  I told him this, and said that now that I was paying for half, I wanted half of the recordings (our DVR can only make 50 series recordings…sigh…).

Him: You already have half of the recordings.

Me:  <raise eyebrow>

Him: Okay, let’s check.

He opens up the prioritizer.

Him: Oh, it looks like I have 35 out of 50 shows recording.

Me: And I have nothing in the top 10.

Him: Tell me how many shows you want me to delete.

Hm. I thought that I was going to have a deliciously long post for you with lots of advice about tact and compromise.  Turns out, if you both have the same definition of compromise, sometimes no discussion is necessary.  Though I did reprioritize his stuff and put some things into the top 10 without telling him!

I ain’t gonna lie. I love fuck buddies. I think it’s the best thing since sliced bread.

I look around and I see variations of the FB relationship EVERYWHERE…it’s a commonplace thing. I first heard the term in college and realized that everybody was doing it. If you weren’t embroiled in a serious relationship, you were getting laid, and your partner was basically a fuck buddy.

(Excuse me. Would either of you like to be my fuck buddy?)

Continued