All Posts Tagged With: "friends with benefits"

How I’ve Avoided Having “The Talk” – Guest Post by Demeter

Below is a guest post from a friend I know IRL…sort of.  We’re in the same program and have many of the same professional and research interests, although she started long enough after I began that we’ve rarely run into each other in person (we don’t even live in the same town!).  We do, however, follow each other’s many blogs, pseudonymous and otherwise.  If you like what you read here, check out Demeter’s House.

Forgive me readers, for I have sinned. It’s been four months since my last sexual encounter.

Four months–I know, I know. A terrible sin for a woman in her sexual prime. But it goes back to that tricky question Honey raised last week about when to reveal certain things.

Maybe part of my problem is that I’ve spent too much time over the years with my guy-pals, sitting in creaky wooden chairs at the neighborhood bar as we drank our beers and talked about girls. On those Guinness nights my guy-pals told me that they would never date a divorced woman. And they sure as hell wouldn’t date a divorced woman with children. My guy-pals, who admittedly function under overly-simplistic equations, saw it this way: single mom = needy, clingy woman. And my guy-pals ran from this most ominous breed of female.

When I was sitting around having those beer-induced talks with my guy-pals, I had no idea that I would become the divorced woman. With children. But wait, there’s more. The children happen to have pervasive developmental disabilities.

Running yet, boys?

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My Game Sucks Ass Right Now and I Got Rejected 3 Times Because of It.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wN0oDnoc3-c[/youtube]

After reading the latest from one of my favorite bloggers, the Dateable Dork, about her recent man trouble, I thought I’d fire off some of my own rejection stories for fun and amusement. Yes, even players get the Heisman. Which is totally okay. DD, I hope in some way this makes you feel better.

So, as I’ve mentioned recently, I broke up with my now-ex-girlfriend Megan about a month ago. That means Lance is single and available. I’ve gone on exactly three dates in the last month and I got next’ed after all three. Pretty shitty. I’ll be completely honest here…my game blows nuts right now and I’ve been lazy about developing prospects. This is all by choice and I’m totally fine with the fact that my dating life is mediocre at present. I’ll explain why at the end.

Without further ado, here is me getting shut down:

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Say Yes! To Friends With Benefits

I recently read an article arguing against friends with benefits, written by Simcha Whitehill at The Frisky. As everyone who reads H&L regularly knows, I’m pro FWB and pro fuck buddy, and I’m also con bad dating advice. Of course, her article is her opinion and if FWB’s don’t work for her, that’s cool too.

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Honey’s Take: The Straight Dope on Friends With Benefits

Lance turned me on to this article on askdanandjennifer.com about friends with benefits (aka “Fuck Buddies”), and as is so often the case, we couldn’t resist the allure of our two cents on the issue. The article claims that women are more likely to get emotionally attached and want more from the relationship; while this is certainly a possibility, I have to say that it hasn’t been my experience. In my time, I have noticed way more women open to the idea of FB-type relationships, while men tend to have a huge problem with it. In any case, here is my take on the conventional understandings of fuck buddies, and why I think those conventional understandings don’t quite hit the mark.

#1: Women Get Attached Too Easily

It appears scientifically verifiable that women’s bodies produce chemicals that form emotional attachment when they’re physically intimate with someone. However, I don’t understand using that fact to warn women away from participating in FB-type relationships. Presumably, the entire point of fuck buddies is that you already have an emotional attachment to that person, which means that you:

  • Feel comfortable talking with them,
  • Have flirted before and have physical chemistry, and
  • Also have a much better idea of their recent sexual history/STD status.

This last one is especially important–there’s nothing wrong with casual sex with people you don’t know well, but you have to be that much more careful, especially if you’re a woman. In the case of FB, you’ve probably talked about your sexual histories while flirting (a great way to build sexual tension that tends to backfire in the context of traditional relationships). You also have mutual friends, which works as a nice background check. If this were really a person that you wanted to be in a relationship with, you would have tried that by now. To me, this means that the woman is just as uninterested in pursuing a committed, monogamous, romantic relationship as the man is.

The caveat: if you do want a romantic relationship with the person who approaches you, you should not take them up on their offer. Similarly, you should not approach someone you are romantically interested in with an offer to become FBs. This is where the potential to get hurt comes from, not from the FB system itself.

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