Turns out, months later he is on this reality television show for Men who have no game; where they set him off into a bar to meet woman and he was such a wuzz – I suppose they were trying to teach him! I don’t remember the name of the show, but he was getting turned down left and right at the bar — so, yeah I’ll take a player over a nice guy any day of the week.

“You know what the problem is here? Players will not say, “I love you,” because they know the difference between love and lust. That’s what you get with experience. A chode doesn’t know the difference (because they’re socially incompetent), and will drop the L-bomb with any chick he gets lucky enough to have sex with. Big reason why there are so many shitty relationships…incompetent men (and women) who think they’re in love when really they’re too ignorant and lazy to realize they’re a poor match and not really attracted to each other. If a player says love, he means it, because he knows what he’s doing.”

I like how you explained that. Very helpful. Thanks.

chiz’s last blog post..what to do when trapped in an argument

I’ve noticed that the more of a “player” reputation you tend to have, the more girls tend to notice you.

Honestly, I consider myself shy. But, most of my friends or girls I have dated, etc always laugh when I say I’m shy… “You? shy?” Like it’s a joke.

But, really, I am shy. I could easily go out and not talk to anybody. Not meet anybody. It’s not hard to do. You just don’t talk. Yet, if I get up the courage to go talk to one girl, that conversation builds confidence – because it’s easy to make a girl smile – I mean, they like the fact that you’re talking to them and you’re paying attention to them. You do see positive results just being yourself. Then, that parlays to the next person you meet – you’re not so scarred to go up and talk to them… and again, and the ball keeps rolling.

Basically, I’ve had nights where I’ve gone out and just stood around with my friends and not talked to anybody new. And I’ve had times when I’ve talked to a bunch of new people (and usually I’ll get a couple of numbers). There’s never an in-between, because once you break the ice with that first person – approaching anybody else is so much easier. So, it’s either none or a few – never one or two. But, momementum is on your side – it’s like instant self-confidence.

I have fun meeting people. I have fun.. flirting, I guess you can call it. But, I’m not the type of guy that will do anything to sleep with a girl. It’s not about “bagging the most chicks” – that’s wack. I’ve known dudes like that, that all they care about is whether or not they have sex tonight. That’s not me, and that’s not cool to me. That’s not what being a player is all about. It’s about having fun and being yourself. Being self-confident and social adept, like you said gives you “more options”. So, in that sense, I guess I can call myself a player, but it’s a good thing – I don’t mistreat women or do them wrong. I enjoy having a girlfriend, but I also know I enjoy being single as well – so I’m not trapped in either situation, I have “options”.

William Peregoy’s last blog post..Week #2 Wrap-Up

On confidence, yes, the systems and techniques are partially designed to help you approach women. Once you get enough approaches under your belt, you become completely outcome independent (“Rejection. Who cares?”) and achieve a high level of inner confidence. You essentially build yourself into becoming that cool guy who is naturally good with women. This is called faking it till you make it, and I’m a BIG believer. I also believe that it’s impossible for a guy who has no experience socializing with women to succeed without some kind of structure and direction. Where do you learn these skills? Your mom? TV? It has to come with foundational experience. And that’s where using game comes in.

On the dominant male thing. I’m pretty sure all PUA’s have this conflict, ie when do I stop the act? Yes, you want to be alpha, but you want that part of you to emerge naturally. Basically, men just need to get comfortable with their masculinity. Once that happens, it’s part and parcel of who they are, and it’s no longer an act…it’s just who they are. Just give yourself permission to act like a guy. Displaying vulnerability and quirkiness is perfectly fine too, because that’s just human.

Thanks, hope you keep reading. Also, you should get in on our contest!!!

Okay, so the whole player idea is like self-help for guys … I think I get that … so is the emphasis on mastery and control just a way of selling it to the male ego? Obviously, a book called Men Who Don’t Love Enough And Need To Get Some Balls wouldn’t sell too well. In fact, a book called Women Who Insist On Projecting Their Adolescent Fantasies On Every Man They Meet wouldn’t have been much of a success either! The consumer needs a little flattery before parting with their cash.

I can also see that ‘acting’ confident can sometimes increase feelings of confidence, eg using positive body language in a job interview. But the skills needed for getting the job and for being able to do it are not the same. I read on another site advice to a man who had learned a technique for being more alpha male in approaching women and, as a result, now had a girlfriend – but he found it tiring and stressful to keep up the dominant male act necessary to ‘control’ her all the time and he wanted to know when he could start being himself – the answer was ‘never – unless you want your girlfriend to leave you’. How realistic is that for a long term relationship? Not only is it impossible to expect him to keep up an act all the time, it shows little understanding of female psychology – most women would love to think their boyfriend trusted them enough to show a more vulnerable side!

But the macho terminology is definitely a turn off – any woman who says to a friend – ‘you know what, I think I was played’ – is not expressing pleasure and delight! The whole concept of a ‘player’ has deceit at its heart, something women always hate. Actually I just noticed that Lance calls himself an aspiring pimp, so I guess he doesn’t care too much about the meaning of words anyway. ( By the way, does Honey see herself as an aspiring prostitute?? Probably not!) Maybe I care a little too much about words, but by using expressions like player and pimp, you are blurring the distinction between ‘men who have confidence’ and sociopaths. And every brand manager knows how important it is to keep your identity distinct from other low-quality products!

Anyway, confidence – good; practice – necessary; deceit – very, very bad. And obviously the same applies to women building their confidence too – I agree with Honey that a lot of the issues are the same for both sexes.

Side note: I wonder if one reason the player phenomenon has come about is because American men don’t have the flirting skills of other cultures eg both European and Caribbean men tend to approach women with a lot of charm and don’t get pissy about a (polite) refusal. But American culture doesn’t seem to allow for this more relaxed interaction between the sexes and everything gets so high pressured and competitive, with a strong fear of loss of face …. just a thought.

However, Lance has gradually gotten me to see that guys who aren’t confident can’t gain confidence overnight. If you’ve experienced nothing but failure, or if you don’t have the skill set to even try, then you’re never going to simply be confident out of nowhere. The point of the game as I see it is to learn some techniques that will get you through most situations so that you can experience success and start building true self-confidence. PUA also gives you a vocabulary to analyze your failures so that you can understand why things went sour and start to put your own spin on it all.

This is why I think ladies could learn a lot from PUA. If they knew how it worked, then they could use it not only to build confidence themselves (true confidence, not “the rules” manipulation), but also to weed out the inevitable sociopaths.

Thanks for your comment!

You are correct, men who lie and manipulate to get sex are sociopaths, and are to be avoided. As with any other group, you’re going to have abusers, idiots, and sociopaths. 99% of players, or men who have “good game,” are not these men. Most guys who get into the game are just regular dudes who want to do the following:
1. Have more options dating.
2. Date great women who would normally disqualify these regular guys.
3. Develop their emotional and social intelligence.
4. Become a better person.

You might find that hard to believe, but it’s true. Most pickup programs begin and end with “inner game,” that is the development of self.

As you’ll see in my FB field report, I use a variety of tactics, but nothing in there is disingenuous. I’m true to myself, doing activities that are fun, and generating attraction at the same time. No one got hurt and no one was lied to. In fact, Amber was thrilled to have met me, because she thought I was a “cool guy.” (At least I think she thinks I’m cool…)

Players have a bad rap and pickup is in desperate need of an image makeover. That’s part of the reason why I blog, because I want people to understand that increasing your social skill is a tremendous gift to men and women.

I see the whole player phenomenon as parallel to women who follow The Rules and just as pointless. Learning to act ‘as if’ you are confident is no substitute for really having confidence in yourself and, sooner or later, the player or rules-girl gets into a situation where the tricks and routines don’t work anyway and they have to fall back into neediness or bitching, because they still haven’t learned anything else.

Don’t waste time playing games! Be real! Putting on an act only sets yu up to fail and be exposed as a sham. Be honest with yourself first and you’ll have more confidence with other people too.