How Much Sex Ed Are You Giving Your Kids?

I was inspired to ask this question after reading the responses to my post about letting your children know if you’re getting nooky. Basically, if you’re a parent, do you teach your kid(s) about sex, and if so, at what age does this happen and to what degree? Before I rip into it, watch this funny Mad TV clip:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ZpW8PHOPdw[/youtube]

I feel it’s my job as a (potential) parent to teach my kids the birds and the bees. I would introduce the concepts, talk long and hard about safe sex and pregnancy, and make birth control available. I definitely wouldn’t have a problem giving condoms to my kids. I would address the subject with humor and make all involved as comfortable as possible about the subject. Since I’m a social artist, I think I could make this conversation happen pretty easily.

I would make it known that if they wanted technical knowledge about how to do it properly and well, I’d be up for that discussion. I would also have books, ebooks, and even decent adult videos at their disposal so they can broaden their knowledge base.

Why? The first reason is so they can avoid unwanted pregnancy. I absolutely don’t want them getting into any pregnancy pacts or pulling a Juno on me at age 15. This doesn’t mean they can’t have sex…but it does mean they have to use condoms/birth control.

Second reason is health and avoiding disease. Obvious.

Thirdly, because sex is absolutely a skill that is learned. Good sex is integral to having a good LTR, and further, it’s at the core of who we are as men and women. When we have sex, it epitomizes our masculine and feminine natures, and doing this skillfully and without confusion affects the rest of our lives in positive ways. What it boils down to is good sex makes you a better person, but it’s a lot more than that. It’s an expression of who we are. I want my kids to have good sex.

Personal Example of Poor Sex Fucking Up My Relationships

Here’s an example where me being a lousy sexual partner fucked up a relationship. There was this girl Rita, who I dated for a year in college. She was like my third sexual partner. She was more experienced, very athletic, and she had a high sex drive. I thought I was king shit in the bedroom until I met this chick. Boy, was I was wrong. I found out pretty quick I was lame and I felt intimidated by her sex drive. The result was that I got laid, but I never screwed her like a champion.

Long story short, she cheated on me a bunch because I wasn’t getting the job done. Yes, there were other problems with the relationship, but what it boils down to was I wasn’t masculine enough for her, and at the core of this was my (lack of) sexual maturity. She needed a man when I was merely a boy (incidentally, this is one of many reasons why women go out with older guys). If I had the knowledge and the skill I have now, things could have worked out differently. Even if we still had only gone out for a year, that year would have been a lot better. And hell, maybe we’d still be together.

My point here is if you don’t have the skill/knowledge/experience in the bedroom, it’s going to affect your overall relationship. You’ll lose your partner because he/she is de-attracted by your sexual style. If you’re a guy and you can’t play the dominant role and satisfy your woman, she’s going to find someone who will. If you’re a chick and you can’t satisfy your man and play the feminine role (ie be dominated), the guy is going to cheat. Not only is it a skill issue, but you need to have the OPEN MINDEDNESS to explore, read, research, and experiment with new things. You can’t be intimidated by sex or embarrassed to ask questions. Of particular importance is that you can’t let your ego get in the way of improving your bedroom game, ie thinking that you’re already awesome when in fact you’re totally mediocre. I think this is a big problem and a source of much of the relationship conflict we see today, especially among younger adults.

Where does this start? It starts with you, the parent, talking sex and being open.

Class Is In Session With Lance

Heh heh, here’s an interesting situation. About a month ago I was in a hookah bar around midnight with some friends. In the booth next to me was a 3-set, two girls and a guy. They looked young, but since they were in a bar I figured it was game on. I pulled into their booth, opened them, hooked, and proceeded to hang out until closing time. They taught me how to smoke hookah and I regaled them with funny Lance stories. We also had a brilliant, deep conversation about sex, which spanned technique, losing virginity, gay sex vs. straight sex, deep spot, g-spot, clitoral vs. vaginal orgasms, multiple orgasms, Kegals, safe sex, and a ton of other stuff. Well, it turns out the guy was gay and in the closet (his parents didn’t know) and he could only talk to his platonic girlfriends about the subject. The girls were sexually active but didn’t know anything, like they didn’t know where the g-spot was (I described it). They kids were smart, responsible, and intelligent. The gay guy said I was the first male figure he ever felt comfortable talking about his sexuality with. All three of them were 18 and had just graduated from high school, like a week prior. At the end on our interaction, I advised them to be critical thinkers, not to get knocked up, and always use protection.

Do you want your 18 year old kids learning about sex from Lance, or should you be doing it?

Parents and non-parents, I’d like you to wade with your perspectives. How did you learn about sex, and what are you going to teach your kids?

Check out these two ebooks

I mentioned two ebooks that really pumped up my bedroom game. Both are written for guys. Here they are:

The sexgodmethod website is currently down, but you can find the ebook on scribd.com. Shade’s site starts with an opt-in page, so you’ll have to enter an email address to the get to the product. Disclaimer: We’re not affiliates of either of these companies. I’m just telling you what I’ve read and what’s helped me. Take that for what it’s worth.

This is part 1 of 2. Tomorrow I’ll blog about a possible model for sex ed that combines a variety of resources, and what some alternatives are if you’re totally squemish and can’t stand the thought of your 17-year-old son sticking it in his gf’s pooper.

  • http://www.idatewhite.com Eathan

    ok.. That video is funny. The one thing that I stay concerned about is having to raise another child.. one of my kids kids.. hell nooo..

    Education is key… even bad education is better than no education. And of course you can only educate if you communicate. And that starts way before they become teens.

    And lance… i don’t want them learning sex from you…NOT YET…LOL

    Eathans last blog post..Finding my way home

  • http://undirvatntunglsljos.blogspot.com/ Jonsi

    I don’t know, perhaps Rita was a bitch in other ways and it prevented you from taking charge. Your general premise is a good one: be the best and most masculine man you can be, your best self, in and out of the bedroom, and it will give you the best chance of a relationship. The few times I haven’t fucked girls like a champion has been when they were actually pretty cold people, so I never felt comfortable. They thought I sucked in bed and the sex wasn’t very good, but the next person: hells yeah, and it wasn’t because of more experience. In general though, dominate her unless she wants to role play and have you be submissive sometimes, which can be fun.

    Jonsis last blog post..Fucked

  • http://40ssingleness.blogspot.com/ lisaq

    As a child, my parents taught me about sex by saying, “There’s a book in our nightstand drawer. Read it.” It was lovely. An animated book about animals, dogs mostly, having sex. Only the very last few pages included anything at all about people having sex. It was ridiculous…and too late. I think I was 16.

    I vowed at that moment that my children’s sex education would be different. As I mentioned in your earlier post, I began teaching both of my girls about sex at a very young age. The oldest was in 2nd grade. It was very intentional, very honest, and very open. I included not only the normal how it works and how to avoid pregnancy/STDs of course, but I also talked about how not to get into situations they didn’t want to be in and what to do in situations they did want to be in.

    The result is that my girls feel they can talk to me about anything and know they will get an honest answer. They have also gained a confidence about sex and are open minded. The youngest actually even wrote a very well thought out letter to the editor of our local newspaper about sex ed…she was 17 when she wrote it.

    All in all, as in anything, a real, honest, no hold barred education is the key. They are then equipped to make informed decisions and know what is right for them sexually.

    lisaqs last blog post..6 Biggest Dating Mistakes That Men Should Avoid

  • http://www.cathouseteri.blogspot.com Cathouse Teri

    When this question was up at dadshouse, I chimed in. So I’ll try not to be redundant.

    The fact is, I don’t think kids WANT to learn about sex from their parents. You can certainly lay the groundwork for their understanding of the human body. And the elements of relationship. But your instincts are good. Open, honest communication (as overused as that phrase is) really is the key. If they trust you, and you trust them, more than half the battle is won.

    As for having them learn from Lance, I have no problem with that. They will learn from many places and often, from various types of artists. :)

    Cathouse Teris last blog post..Let Me Count The Ways

  • http://returntomanliness.com Kevin (ReturnToManliness)

    This is a great post. Very tricky as a parent how to handle the topic. I am a new father to the tune of 13 weeks now. I am already thinking about how to teach my new son the craft that is such a huge part of any person’s life.

    I echo the thoughts about the 15 year old Juno-like thing. That was a great movie. It should be mandatory watching in schools with a positive message for the learning part.

    My son will be sure to keep himself out of trouble in the sex arena – while still being VERY educated about the topic.

  • http://dadshouseblog.com dadshouse

    That Mad clip is hilarious. The mom is so creepy, the way she’s eyeing the boy. Reminds me of some lady I used to deliver newspapers to when I was a teen. Collection night was interesting…

    Yes, talk to kids about sex. I also think it’s good to leave some room for experimentation. They can discover some things on their own. Safe sex education is a must. You’re inspiring me to blog about what I told my now 16 year old daughter when I had “the talk” with her many moons ago… fodder for next week, maybe.

    As for younger women dating older, experienced men. (Ahem) As a 40-something single dad who isn’t immune from the occasional booty call, I plead the fifth.

    dadshouses last blog post..Dirty Old Town

  • crow

    Normally I love this blog, but this post pisses me off. Why do men have to dominate and women have to subit? There are many submissive men out there, and dominant woman. People should find a partner who suit their style, instead of attempting to change their style.

  • crow

    Normally I love this blog, but this post pisses me off. Why do men have to dominate, and women have to submit? There are many submissive men, and dominate women. People should find a partner that suits their style, instead of attempting to change to please everybody.

    By the way, when I was a little kid I asked where babies come from, and my parents gave me an honest answer. That was it.

  • http://cheekiebacktalk.blogspot.com/ Cheekie

    I learned about sex by accidentally reading a Harold Robbins book when I was about 9 or 10.
    Seriously.

    I was the girl in school that everyone came to for advice. Sexually speaking anyway. And the only one who didn’t squirm or even blink when going to buy condoms. Still don’t. Even the economy packs of 24…lol.

    I have always been very open and comfortable with sex.
    That being said though, I feel that there is a time and a place for it, and a time and a place to talk about it.

    My parents never really gave me the talk, but, it was something that I just ‘knew’ about. I can’t explain it. Maybe it’s a Scorpio thing.

    I have always been as age appropriately honest as I can be with my son, and I know that very soon will come the day when I have to take the initiative and sit him down to talk.

    The kids at his school are starting to do the usual kid talk about it. And that is part of the learning process.
    I hope to create an atmosphere of openness, so that when he does have questions he can come to me.

    And I will definitely make him buy his own condoms. I think that is part of being sexually active, you must take responsibility for it without any shame.
    In fact, I want him to learn to take pride in it.
    Just like I did.

    I probably won’t get into the ‘technique’ talk. I think that is something you learn, by being a honest, open, considerate lover.
    That much I will impart.

    There isn’t much else a parent can do.
    It’s like responsible use of alcohol or anything else.
    It’s about trust and respect and openness.

  • http://www.worklovelife.com Holly Hoffman

    Great post, Lance. And no, I wouldn’t want my kids learning it from you. LOL.

    My BF and I are very open about our past sexual experiences, and I find that I actually really, really enjoy talking about sex with him. And it usually leads to the actual deed. Ha. Seriously, most of my exes hated to tak about it because it involved me talking about people I’d had sex with previously – which they didn’t like. I guess some guys would rather suffer less-than-phenomenal sex than to hear that their GF used to bonk someone else. It’s not like I was a virgin, but I think some guys still like to think that.

    At any rate, my mom explained it all to me very young, but I didn’t get it. I think I was about 11 when I realized with wide eyes that “he stuck it in you?!” LOL.

    I learned the most about technique, especially head, from a 70s sex book I found in a BF’s bedroom. It was his parents’, and he’d never read it. The techniques I picked up in there earned rave reviews.

    I have one motto when it comes to sex ed – “never stop learning.”

    Holly Hoffmans last blog post..Introducing a new person into your life

  • Pingback: How to Talk to Your Daughter About Sex « Dad’s House

  • http://dadshouseblog.com dadshouse

    All right, I put a post up on Dad’s House, and I sent some link love this direction.

    dadshouses last blog post..How to Talk to Your Daughter About Sex

  • j

    i think you are either an exhibitionist or a creep/perv that parents should watch. this is not the way that parents talk to their kids about sex-parents talk to their kids about sex-but not about how to do it!!your blog is distasteful!

  • j

    and you wont post it because i am right!!

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    I think it’s important to question why society has the values it does and to counter-act those values that are not productive as far as making us better people. Obviously you have to be
    age-appropriate when talking to kids about sex, obviously health/safety should come before discussions of technique, and obviously if your kids are not comfortable having technique-oriented discussions with you then you should respect that and make other resources available. But I don’t see anything immoral about having those discussions as long as you follow those guidelines. People always say they want their kids to “have the things they never had,” shouldn’t that include not having years of really bad sex before finally figuring everything out?

    Honeys last blog post..How to Spot a Fake Match.com Profile

  • http://weight-lifting-training.blogspot.com/2010/02/killer-ab-workout.html Killer Ab Workout

    Ya you need to educate. All these anti sex ed people are stupid. 9/10 kids have premarital sex it is life. Stop ignoring it.
    .-= Killer Ab Workout´s last blog …WeightLifting Workout Routines =-.

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