The morning that we were going to leave for our NYE trip to Vegas, I was looking for a gift certificate for one of the restaurants we were going to eat at. I couldn’t find it where I thought it’d be, and then remembered that Jake sometimes takes the gift certificates I buy and keeps them in his briefcase, so since he was still asleep I checked there.
I didn’t find the gift certificate, but I found a page of notes about things that he’d been wanting to talk about. Some of the stuff on the list was boring, like him wanting help with budgeting so he can buy some of the electronic equipment he’s been eyeing guilt-free. Some of the stuff on the list was pretty heavy, like him asking for help strategizing ways to deal with the fact that he hates his job and it’s been giving him depression-type symptoms and anger-management issues, and totally sapping his willpower to do the things that he enjoys.
And some of it was his sexual fantasies and ways to amp up our sex life.
Now, we have always had a pretty awesome sex life. We’ve taken photos, watched porn, and had sex outside and in hotel rooms where we were sharing with other people. I’ve worn sexy outfits, peed in the desert, peed in the bathtub while he watches and then had crazy monkey sex on the bathroom floor that led to me needing an emergency massage to get loose again. We’ve watched live sex shows in Amsterdam. I wrote him an erotic story that he said made him cum harder than he ever has in his life.
So what’s new for us in 2010? We’ve been having a great time discussing it – it’s a kind of foreplay in itself, actually. Here are some of the things on deck:
- Watching more porn together, preferably on DVD so that we can watch it on the couch or in bed rather than huddling around the desktop on chairs (both of our laptops are old and crappy and won’t play DVDs anymore).
- Going to strip clubs together.
- Continuing our forays into watersports.
- Talking about the idea of attending sex parties (though we both have significant reservations about this).
- Reading more erotica together (I got him a collection of Penthouse letters for Christmas, which I find not only turn me on but are often simultaneously hilarious, and I also plan to write him some more of my own original stories). Oh, and Lance, if you’re interested in exploring D/s, you would probably enjoy The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty.
- Him waking me up in the middle of the night to have sex – either through slow gentle touches or in a more forceful way.
- Us pretending to meet at the first time at bars, and concocting ridiculous personas for ourselves to sort of leave other patrons wondering, why would she go home with him/why would he go home with her?
- Your typical romantic girly seduction scenario – wine, flowers, candles, and a total focus on me.
We also jointly agree that the sexy outfits were a huge success and I should have more of those! We also decided to make a greater effort to regularly use the sex toys and games that we already own. We already use my regular vibrator about 75% of the time we have sex – probably more than most people. For example, while in Vegas we found a certain position and strategy that had me on the verge of orgasm, and think that if we use the finger vibrator that we already own and haven’t really used much while having sex in that position, it will push me over the edge. We also have several books on sexual technique, a wide variety of lubes and warming lotions, some sex position cards, other sexy-type board games, and I’m sure more I am forgetting – perhaps it’s time to take stock of what we’ve got on hand!
Now why haven’t we done this before, you ask? Well, actually, that’s sort of what I ended up asking him. Once we got past the “we’re having sex 8 times a day because we can’t believe we were lucky enough to find each other” first year of dating, he moved to another city and we were long-distance for over a year. While on the one hand this sucked because we couldn’t have sex whenever we wanted to, it meant that our weekends were always full of hot sex. I told him that for the last year and a half or so, however, he sort of lost interest in sex. Not that we didn’t have it, or that it wasn’t hot, but I definitely had a higher sex drive than him, he turned me down a lot, and there often wasn’t anything especially unique, crazy, or kinky about it.
We’ve concluded that it’s equal parts him being miserable at his job and working 60-80 hours a week (so even when he is home, he’s often too exhausted to do anything) and our differing circadian rhythms, which mean that often if there is going to be sex, it has to happen at a time where one or the other of us is off-peak. Lately he’s been making a much bigger effort to go to bed when I do (even if he has to take sleeping pills) which has led to our schedules syncing in a sexy way. This is also part of the reason that I’ve suggested him being more aggressive about waking me up if I’m already asleep, though the fact that I’ve fantasized about this in the past is certainly a plus
He’s also said that he’s really afraid that his work misery has been bleeding into how he acts at home in a way that has the potential to jeopardize our relationship, and that it’s really important to him to make a bigger effort to make sure that I am happy because he can’t stand the thought of losing me. He doesn’t really have super close friends and isn’t on speaking terms with a lot of his family, and periodically says that I’m the only person in his life that cares about him in more than a superficial or casual way and will refer to me as “all he’s got.”
I’ve often felt the same way about him, largely because I moved to a city where I basically didn’t know anyone in order to abandon (at least temporarily) my first career choice in order to be with him. But we’ve both recognized that this is the path to Codependence Land, and so one of our other goals is to develop our interests and friendship bases outside of each other. While on the one hand this seems tangential, I think it will probably make a big difference.
How do you plan to spice things up in 2010? Leave a comment below and then check out these fine posts: