Say Yes! To Friends With Benefits

I recently read an article arguing against friends with benefits, written by Simcha Whitehill at The Frisky. As everyone who reads H&L regularly knows, I’m pro FWB and pro fuck buddy, and I’m also con bad dating advice. Of course, her article is her opinion and if FWB’s don’t work for her, that’s cool too.

First off, she references this article in the Michigan State News, where a study was conducted on 165 MSU students and their dating habits. It was found that 60% of the students had FWB-type relationships. Well, no shit Sherlock, we’re talking about college students at a party school in Michigan! If you’ve never been to a big state school with a large student population in a small city (in cold weather), all they do is drink and f*ck at those places. MSU probably invented the FWB relationship.

Anyway, drunken college students are notorious for being loosey-goosey with their relationships, and in fact, it’s pretty much a college tradition. I would throw that study right out the window and focus on what 20- and 30-something professionals are doing. BTW, I went to a huge state school (Florida) and I’d say 95% of the student population maintained FWB relationships at some point during their college careers…the remaining 5% were virgins and God help them for graduating from UF without getting laid.

Okay, moving right along. Simcha breaks down her argument into three sections:

  • When Friend Is A Four Letter Word
  • Whatever Happened To Wining And Dining
  • Riding The Highs And Lows.

When Friend Is A Four Letter Word

The argument here is that the sex devalues the friendship or stunts the growth of a budding relationship. This is a legit argument, because it does happen, but my take is that there are solid reasons why you or your partner are doing the FWB and not doing the LTR thing. Let’s examine a few of them:

  • Lack of attraction – Your friend is doable, but she’s not hot or cool enough to be your gf.
  • Too busy – She’s a busy career woman, possibly with a kid, and simply doesn’t have the time to get embroiled in a relationship. She can only meet up once per week, maybe once every two weeks. The FWB model fits her calendar.
  • Poor Geography – He lives in area devoid of suitable LTR partners, so instead he establishes a casual sexual relationship with a friend until his situation improves. Could be years.

Those are just three big reasons, but for anyone who’s single, working, and dating post-college, you’ve probably been hit with one of them. Have you ever been too busy to go out and date for long stretches? I know I have, so meeting with my FB to get laid once every few weeks worked out great. Did I expect or even desire this arrangement to go on forever? No, but it was perfect for my life situation. The alternative is not getting laid, which is silly.

Whatever Happened to Wining and Dining

Barrf! Here we’re talking about wining, dining, and wooing. Long courtships and romantic candlelit dinners are anathema to my very existance. Seriously, romance is freakin’ 19th century.  If you want to get to know me, let’s go out for drinks, and if you want to have some fun, we can hit the club afterwards and go dancing. Courtships are dead as dog poo.

Putting aside AFC-style courtship, I do want to point out a FWB mistake that a lot of people make: many fuck buddies meet for sex and little else…which is actually a booty call in my book. I think that sucks, and I always insist on going out and having fun first. You’re just being lazy if you go straight to the house and screw all the time.

Riding The Highs And Lows

This is the oxytocin argument, that is, women are enslaved to oxytocin and will automatically start pair bonding uncontrollably after sex. Dude, seriously? We’re not in high school, where we can’t control our hormones. I have yet to meet a late 20’s or early 30’s woman who started pair bonding after sex unless she made that conscious decision.

Conclusions

The FWB is a legit relationship type and works for hundreds of thousands, probably millions, of people who are operating under certain circumstances. We all can’t be so lucky to find our soul mates and LTR partners all the time. Just follow the rules, treat your buddy well, and you’ll be alright. I wrote a post where I discussed some rules and takeaways on establishing and maintaining a healthy fuck buddy relationship, check it out.

If you would like to be Lance’s FWB, email him, then read these posts:

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  • http://www.singlemomseeking.com/blog Single Mom Seeking

    College kids aside… let’s talk about grown ups. Allow me to use the word “lover,” maybe? (Or, as Dad’s House like to say, “booty call.”)

    Here’s the challenging part for me, and most grown ups I know: Let’s say that what you really want in the long run is a life partner.

    But, in the meantime, you get yourself a fuck buddy/a lover/a booty call.

    Fine, but this really limits you from finding your true soul mate, don’t you think?

    No woman really wants to date a guy if he has a couple of fuck buddies on the side. I don’t take him seriously.

    Know what I mean?

    Single Mom Seeking´s last blog post…Advice on interracial dating? Let’s hear from parents of biracial children

  • http://www.theseductionbible.com Bobby Rio

    I am a firm believer that every attractive woman has a fuck buddy. I’ve been friends with many girls, and each and everyone of them at all times has a guy they are fucking. The minute they get out of a relationship they have a guy. He’s not always the same but his role it.

    I see nothing wrong with fuck buddies as long as the both of you are on the same page… unforutatney one person usually gets hurt.

    Bobby Rio´s last blog post…Carnal Knowledge: Communication

  • http://www.idatewhite.com Eathan

    Those are a couple good reasons. I have kept FWB for other reasons also.

    1. My physical need at the time.

    2. I realized she doesn’t fit my dating profile (kids too young, too many kids, social misfits)

    3. Great SEX, of course.

    Of course my FWB has her own list and relationship agenda. But some how our basic needs seem to bring us together.

    Some times you ride a motorcycle for fun… but driving a Mercedes offers so much luxury for all occasions.

    I’m a believer of good sex doesn’t equate to being in love. Those are 2 different things. And we all know that you don’t haven’t to have 1 to get the other. The biggest problem arises when 1 person is more involved emotionally than the other. {as much as I hate to sound like a coined blogger ;)}

  • http://hammer86.wordpress.com Hammer

    I would go as far as to say that FWB is absolutely necessary when searching for that LTR. It keeps you sane and non-needy. This prevents you from falling into an unhappy relationship. All high quality women do this by the way. I’m going to write a post sometime later this week about stealing a girl from another man, and the reason is because all women have someone always. But most of the time that someone is either an on and off fuck buddy or someone they’re keeping around and using until they find a better situation.

    Hammer´s last blog post…DramaTel and SpoofCard

  • http://honeyandlance.com/contact Lance

    SMS, when I have a FWB, I only have one, so I don’t do multiple buddies. I was making that assumption in my post. If a person has multiple buddies, then that’s a whole other ball of wax with a different set of rules.

    If you have a FWB and you’re interested in finding your LTR mate, it could limit you, but only if you let it. You have to communicate and establish with your buddy that you’re ONLY doing a casual thing and that it could end at any time. I actually encourage my buddies to go on other dates, and if they find someone they want to go steady with, that’s totally cool, it just means our FWB situation ends. I would expect the same treatment.

    If anyone here follows Vix the Over Educated Nympho, she had a lengthy thread where she had a fuck buddy relationship that she recently ended because she wanted to date a co-worker. She couldn’t go steady with the FB because they were incompatible in too many ways. I think she handled it well and it’s worth reading her blog just to get her perspective and her rules.

  • http://dadshouseblog.com dadshouse

    This is a hot topic. I actually agree with every commenter so far. lol.

    Single Mom Seeking makes a great point – that if you’re involved with a FWB/Lover/Booty Call Partner, you aren’t truly available for someone new.

    Bobby Rio makes a great point – that gorgeous women have fuck buddies. Period. (Why not be her FWB?)

    Eathan make a great point – sex is fun. It’s good. It’s necessary. Why not have a FWB?

    Hammer makes a great point – if you have a FWB, you are more relaxed and less desperate on the dating scene.

    My two cents: I think it’s easier for men to separate emotions from sex, so while I “get” what Single Mom Seeking is saying, I think for men a FWB is actually good, even if you’re looking for an LTR elsewhere. It keeps you loose and happy.

    That said, if I meet a woman who rocks my world, I would drop my FWB in a heartbeat… at least until the world rocker and I broke up.

    dadshouse´s last blog post…Online Dating Expectations

  • http://20-forty.com/ lisaq

    As you already Lance, FWB relationships just don’t work for me or for many women I’ve talked to in my age group. Obviously, there are exceptions. I personally can’t do them, but I have absolutely nothing against them. They just don’t work for me.

    lisaq´s last blog post…Huh? A Cuckold Relationship?

  • http://honeyandlance.com/contact Lance

    That’s cool, it doesn’t work for a lot of people.

    Lance´s last blog post…Calling All Bloggers! Let’s Talk Virgins!

  • http://sex-lies-dating.blogspot.com/ SINgleGIRL

    First, I prefer the term fuckbuddy to fwb because, quite frankly, I don’t hang out with my fb when we’re not fooling around.

    Second, having a fb or two keeps me sane. I don’t deal well with celibacy. I need sex to stay happy and well-balanced. FBs are what keep me from climbing the walls when I’m in between LTRs. And thank goodness for them.

    That reminds me, I owe someone an email…

    SINgleGIRL´s last blog post…Fun Ride

  • Pingback: Stealing a Girl Away from Another Guy « Hammertime

  • http://www.yankeeinnewworld.com NewWrldYankee

    I think an FB is different from a random booty call, which is diff from a FWB. FWB is FRIENDS with benefits. So I agree, with you Lance – if you aren’t hanging out before and doing other stuff together, then you aren’t FWB, but maybe just FBs. I think all of these terms are mutually exclusive.

    Also, I am not sure I buy into the whole “every gorgeous woman has a FB” thing. Seriously?!! I think I’m pretty damn hot, and I don’t have one, and many of my gorgeous friends don’t either. Maybe it’s the age range, or maybe it’s this small community that stops us. At my uni,if you even go hang out with someone, everyone knows in seconds. 6 degrees of separation?! It’s about 2 here. I remember when I was in my last LTR, I went to the movies with a friend of mine, and I had three ppl ask the next day, if I was dating a Filipino guy now.

    Ok, everyone at OSU did that, but maybe Europe, or maybe this small program is diff. Or maybe I’m just totally in the dark on this one.

    NewWrldYankee´s last blog post…Hoping This Doesn’t Happen in my Exam Today…

  • http://www.projectinfinity.me Infinity

    I am still getting into understanding the dynamic of FWB. There are some things that I need to separate in my mind in order to distinguish that from a more serious relationship.

    But, to me, there aren’t really any disadvantages to having a FWB relationship. It all depends, like you said, on the current situation in your life.

    If you notice, we tend to tailor everything to our current situation in life. Including relationships. Sometimes, it may change but before we even approach someone, we almost have a clear idea what kind of relationship we’d like to have.

    Infinity´s last blog post…Great News and Fun Times Ahead!

  • Jun Garcia

    Nobody would ever believe that a Fuck Buddy relationship could improve your marriage, the total opposite though, would be readily believed by most people.
    As much as you may find it unbelievable, it did happen, and it did happen to me. Let me explain:
    My marriage of 25 years was not on the rocks, but our sex life was not too good. In our entire married life, she never once instigated sex; she rarely refused it, but was never enthusiastic about it.
    Before I met my Fuck Buddy, we were down to sex about two to three times a month. Just regular old sex, nothing adventurous: such as Cunnilingus. My wife was even embarrassed doing it in daylight.
    Then I met Sally. (Not her real name) I own a small Building Company and was regularly out purchasing materials. Sally worked as a sales lady for one of our suppliers. I saw her most days, and we become friendly. She is half my age. Sally is a single Mom; the Father of her child did not want to know about it.
    She told me how difficult it was for her to survive: what with Rent and paying a Baby Sitter, she had little money left over.
    I was very attracted to her, so I suggested that if she was willing to see me sometimes I could help her a little in that area. She readily agreed as she had no man in her life.
    Sex with Sally was something different. She enjoyed it immensely, even loved Cunnilingus. She also shaved off all her Virginal feathers.
    For me now, Sex took on an entirely different meaning; I even purchased an eBook on improving my performance. As I had a little problem with Erectile Dysfunction, I found an eBook addressing that area.
    What I got was something far better: it went into all areas of Sex problems. In fact, it was more of a Manual on the subject. This eBook is amazing in what it teaches, sometimes a little tech heavy, other times light and humorous. Altogether a truly great little book.
    Because of that eBook and my little Fuck Buddy, my proficiency and confidence grew.
    I even become more daring with my wife. Using some of the lessons from that publication, one night I got a little amorous with my wife. I finally got her into bed and after a lengthy bit of foreplay, went down on her. What I found literally amazed me; she actually began to turn on with my tongue working away at her clit.
    This now becomes a regular thing. She was actually asking for it. She, after some persuasion even shaved off her more than abundant Fanny Fur. That act alone had an amazing effect on her: it made sex for her truly enjoyable. We now do it at least once daily.
    Her attitude to me has also changed; it’s as if she now sees me in a new light. Our life together has improved immensely.
    Even though I still see Sally, I don’t really need a Fuck Buddy anymore. I like Sally a lot, but would never think of leaving my wife. She knows that and is happy to have me when she can.
    I know that for most Husbands, getting a Fuck Buddy would not work for a variety of reasons, but lessons from that book would certainly help with improving your present relationship.
    For anyone interested, the eBook that changed my life can be found at: http://www.antique-ebooks.com/Impotence.htm