Honey’s Take: The Straight Dope on Friends With Benefits

Lance turned me on to this article on askdanandjennifer.com about friends with benefits (aka “Fuck Buddies”), and as is so often the case, we couldn’t resist the allure of our two cents on the issue. The article claims that women are more likely to get emotionally attached and want more from the relationship; while this is certainly a possibility, I have to say that it hasn’t been my experience. In my time, I have noticed way more women open to the idea of FB-type relationships, while men tend to have a huge problem with it. In any case, here is my take on the conventional understandings of fuck buddies, and why I think those conventional understandings don’t quite hit the mark.

#1: Women Get Attached Too Easily

It appears scientifically verifiable that women’s bodies produce chemicals that form emotional attachment when they’re physically intimate with someone. However, I don’t understand using that fact to warn women away from participating in FB-type relationships. Presumably, the entire point of fuck buddies is that you already have an emotional attachment to that person, which means that you:

  • Feel comfortable talking with them,
  • Have flirted before and have physical chemistry, and
  • Also have a much better idea of their recent sexual history/STD status.

This last one is especially important–there’s nothing wrong with casual sex with people you don’t know well, but you have to be that much more careful, especially if you’re a woman. In the case of FB, you’ve probably talked about your sexual histories while flirting (a great way to build sexual tension that tends to backfire in the context of traditional relationships). You also have mutual friends, which works as a nice background check. If this were really a person that you wanted to be in a relationship with, you would have tried that by now. To me, this means that the woman is just as uninterested in pursuing a committed, monogamous, romantic relationship as the man is.

The caveat: if you do want a romantic relationship with the person who approaches you, you should not take them up on their offer. Similarly, you should not approach someone you are romantically interested in with an offer to become FBs. This is where the potential to get hurt comes from, not from the FB system itself.

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The Art of Being Picky: What’s Negotiable and What’s Not

If you’re not a total player douche like Lance, then the purpose of dating for you (as it was for me), is finding the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with. In order to be successful at this, you have to accept a few truths:

  • This is not an overnight process. You will have to go on a lot of dates in order to find someone who’s right for you.
  • You will also have to take an active role in the process. You can’t wait for dates to come to you.
  • In fact, this active role needs to begin before you go on any dates at all. You will never find what you are looking for if you don’t know what that is.

Call me a Virgo, but making lists was the most effective means for me to decide what I was looking for. So as a first step, list everything that you’d ideally want in a permanent romantic partner.

This first list is a rough draft, so be as picky as you possibly can. Age, body type, education level, activity/fitness level, food preferences, sexual preferences (I’m not just talking gay or straight, here. I mean do you need it twice a day, or twice a month? Do you like it rough with biting and scratching, or are you a tender lover? Do you like bondage? Water sports? The Poly lifestyle?), pet preferences, alcohol/smoking/drug use, religious preferences, how many kids you want (if any), the activities you like to participate in your free time, your stance on firearms, reproductive rights, politics, etc. The point here is don’t skimp–list every single thing you can think of. As you create this list, you’ll probably find yourself adding to it over a week or two. Give yourself that time to let it simmer so you know you’ve listed everything. You absolutely cannot rely on chance, the numbers game, other people’s perceptions of you, or any other crazy random system to find “the one.”

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Why Having 5 Girlfriends is a Good Thing

This post is in response to Honey’s post here, and also part 2 of my original article on 5 girlfriends.

multiple hot chicks

(Live in a state of abundance.)

When I say harem, I mean “dating” multiple girls at the same time and having sex with all of them (or at least several). In pickup parlance, this is referred to as mLTR (multiple long term relationships). This arrangement works if you’re upfront and totally honest with these women, and practicing safe sex. Fellas, if you’re getting to this level, make sure you establish what you’re about from the get-go. Doing the mLTR thing will only work if you’ve got totally solid game and the girls know it. If you’re not upfront about your pimp status, they’ll think you’re simply skeezing around, or even “cheating” if you’ve accidentally fallen into a traditional bf-gf model with any one of them.

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The Weekly: Marvel’s Finest

It’s the weekend! That means giving love to fellow bloggers and webmasters around the ‘net. Here are some of the great posts and articles I found this week, along with my completely subjective reviews:

Natural Stacking part 1 and part 2 by DJ Fuji, a PUA with Mehow.tv. There’s a lot of back and forth among the various pickup companies about “stacking,” or using canned routines, versus using a natural, spontaneous approach. Mehow is an advocate of having a very tight stack, and after reading these two articles I’m sold. They liken it to a speech that a professional speaker would rehearse before speaking to an audience, or perhaps like a comedy routine that a comedian would practice before doing the standup. This makes a lot of sense. If you’re a serious pickup artist, you’re essentially a professional at marketing yourself…why not have a script or stack that you know back and forth? It removes a lot of the variables from a pickup and frees you up to be spontaneous and creative later in the interaction. Both articles are well written, concise, and easy to understand.

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Valentine’s Day Edu-tainment

If, despite Lance’s good advice, you decide to spend Valentine’s day in, there’s a lot more you can do with your time than watch When Harry Met Sally or Sleepless in Seattle for the 500th time with a bottle of wine and a box of tissues. Here’s a list of three of my favorite relationship-oriented TV shows. This way you can pass judgment on people (always a good time) as well as learn something for your next relationship. Of course, I have to point out that if you add these to your TiVo list and GO OUT, then you can have some Valentines’ fun and have something to compare your experience with when you get home.

The Millionaire Matchmaker

Patti Stanger is a Jewish third-generation matchmaker who sets up successful millionaires with classy, marriage-minded ladies. The show is entirely worth it to watch her bluntly tell playboys with unrealistic priorities and gorgeous gold diggers exactly why they’re still single. The show airs Tuesday nights on Bravo, but there are reruns on all the time. I like to compare my analysis of the men and women to hers throughout the show. Her Bravo Website has, among other things, “Dating Commandments” for both men and women. Not all of these commandments apply to us mere mortals, as they are the rules of her club.

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Single on Valentine’s Day? Kickass!

So I’m cruising through the grocery store with a work friend and we’re both waxing poetic about how we could care less about Valentine’s Day (we’re single). And we’re not just saying that, we actually feel perfectly good about ourselves and we’re looking forward to a V-Day without significant others. Seriously. Was it always this way? Nope. Why is it now? Good question.

I’ve had plenty of V-Day’s with girlfriends and a couple without them. The ones WITH girlfriends I did a lot of bitching because of the pressure to come up with a good date, spending the money, blah blah blah. I also enjoyed spending time with my gf and I usually enjoyed the date. Somewhere in the recesses of my pimping heart I like the pomp and circumstance of a romantic date. Don’t let that get around.

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