As I mentioned in my post on three quick things I’ve learned on recent dates, I went through a stretch where I was dating three girls at once. That stretch lasted about 4 weeks and the process of maintaining three “girlfriends” was fun, interesting and revelatory.
Before I get to the revelatory part, I want talk about the girls. BTW, I love girls. Love’em.
What is cool is that when you date three people at the same time, you can’t help but compare and contrast them. All I could think about was how interesting the three girls were in their differences. They all had their strengths and weaknesses, their quirks, how they moved differently, how they smelled, and how their love styles differed. Love styles, by the way, are my new big interest. Honey talked about this important concept and provided some valuable links in her Revelations Part III post. Read if you haven’t already.
The first girl, Teri, I met at a 4th of July party. Teri was an attractive Sagittarius, a few years younger than me, very athletic, lived about an hour away. Teri was awesome in the sack and the handful of times we did it, it was among the best sex I’ve ever had. “Porntastic” is the term that comes to mind. That’s the good. The bad is that she was a bit emotionally distant and couldn’t display affection or acknowledge our connection when not having sex. What I mean is she NEVER reached out and touched or said anything that could be interpreted as flirtatious or affectionate. The only time she did those things was shortly after sex, when we were lying around doing nothing. What Teri did do was send lots of texts and Facebook messages about mundane stuff, which I believe she believed telegraphed her interest. This was not enough for me.
I had to break up with her.
Here’s how it went down. We were out partying and I bummed a cigarette off a random person. I did this to take a break from drinking and also to start a conversation. I call this “social smoking” and it can be very effective for meeting new people. Anyway, the next morning she scolded me for smoking, saying that it was a near dealbreaker and that she was disgusted by it. Without me getting into it too much, I told her she hadn’t earned the right to scold me because she hadn’t ever said anything nice or anything clear cut that indicated that she appreciated my company. She hadn’t built up any emotional credit to let me accept a scolding. She admitted that she was really bad at indicating affection/appreciation and that she needed to work on it. I told her to work on it with the next guy. That was that.
The second girl was a tall nerdy chick I met at a pool party. I went on two dates with her. We had hour-long make-out sessions at her house after each date. She was a couple of years older than me, Scorpio, very sexual (although we didn’t have sex), divorced once, great cook, well read, great conversationalist. Her name was Ellen. What was great about Ellen was how comfortable we were around each other and how easy the conversation was. I had the best conversational connection with her, more than any other girl, excepting perhaps Honey. Her drawback was that she had VERY high standards, unreasonable in my opinion, and she dropped me after two dates because we had differing views on marriage and children. She also was “super romantic” and was waiting for her white knight to sweep her off her feet. She was a couple of years older than me so I suppose she’s victim to the dreaded biological clock. Anyway, her love style was the complete opposite of Teri. Ellen was very affectionate, confident, she instinctively knew when to touch and say something nice. It was nice being around her. Better than nice, it was blissful.
The last girl, Megan, was also my recent ex-girlfriend. We’ve sort of been on-again off-again for months and during this stretch we had a passionate little on-again. Megan is Aries, athletic, tight runner’s body, high energy, high maintenance. Megan’s big drawback is that she requires 110% of my free time, to the point that it’s smothering, and if I so much as fired up my XBox without getting permission she had an emotional meltdown. It was not good. Her love style was also indistinct. She had no skill at projecting affection or saying nice things without being prompted.
So yeah, I’m single again and I’m totally cool with that. Excited, in fact.
Some Stuff I Learned, All Important
If I could have combined these three girls somehow and made one uber-girlfriend, I’d be all set. Unfortunately, none of them worked out, so I have to keep doing my thing. Some of the things I learned include:
- Sex is important, but not the most important thing. Dating a lot leads me to conclude that I could have great sex with most of the girls I’m interested in, which means I don’t have to worry about it when choosing a mate.
- Realizing your love style and what you need from your partner is super important. Do you need words of affirmation to be happy? Are you big on touch? Figure that out because it won’t work without congruency in this area.
- Girls are just as unskilled, perhaps even more so, as guys at developing a relationship. We all need to increase our knowledge on how to be a good partner. It’s not just about one person’s needs…it’s about growing a partnership.
- Relationships are highly skill driven and should not be left purely to emotion. Most young people don’t understand this. When we make the emotional decision, we get embroiled in relationships that we shouldn’t have started in the first place.
- When we’re unskilled, we become selfish.
The One Big Thing I Learned
The one big thing I learned I believe is the most important aspect of a relationship. How does your partner make you feel? If your girlfriend makes you feel good about yourself, inspired, energetic, like a good man, then she’s probably worth keeping. I think this is at the very core of a good intimate partnership. The rest of the stuff like commonalities, sex, and even looks to a certain extant will take care of itself. The problem with Megan, my last girlfriend, was that she almost never made me feel good. In fact, I often felt like a failure. Teri didn’t know how to make me feel good because she didn’t know how to reach out and take an emotional risk. That problem is going to plague her with all her partners until she figures it out. Ellen knew how to be a good partner, but she had her own agenda. So now I’m looking for a girl that knows how to be a good partner. I think the metric of “how does she make me feel” is as good as any to measure your relationship with. Agree or disagree?
Lastly, I want to recommend dating multiple people at once, at least for stretches. It’s highly insightful and will really help you to realize what it is you want and need in a relationship. With a little time management it’s not that hard to maintain. As always, be safe and clear about your intentions.
If you’ve ever dated three people at once, you might like these posts: