My Girlfriend Is Awesome. But The Sex Is Terrible

Balls! How I get into these situations? I’ve been seeing this girl for about six months, which is a decent long time for me. My girlfriend, who’s name is Heather, is pretty much the best girlfriend on the planet. She’s like a perfect 10 as a girlfriend, the complete opposite of my last long-term partner, Megan, who was a complete bitch. I have one complaint and it’s a big one: the sex is terrible.

When I say terrible I don’t mean horrible-terrible, like 10 car pileup bad, but more like pull-my-hair-out frustrating because it’s so vanilla it’s practically soft serve. I have blogged several posts about my ridiculous monkey sex episodes, which can be found here, here, and here. I’m into crazy-ass, kinky sex and vanilla sex is…well, boring.

Before I get into the sex stuff, I want to give a few bullet points about why Heather is such a fantastic girlfriend, because she is, and I want to be completely clear that I think she’s awesome.

  • Perfect companion. We enjoy doing any activity together, from rock climbing to running to indie flicks to sitting around and doing jack shit. I mean, this sounds weird, but Heather is the only chick I could spend all my free time with. Never had that before. Sounds like a ad, and it kind of is.
  • Conversation is excellent. Smart, wide ranging, deep.
  • She plays the girlfriend role brilliantly. She acts girlfriendy to the hilt, which makes me feel strong and good, which in turn enables me to fulfill the boyfriend role to my full potential. I was never able to fulfill this role with Megan because I she was terrible at acting girlfriendy.
  • Heather is physically attractive.
  • We’re on the same emotional wavelength.
  • She’s a successful professional and has her shit together.

There’s a lot more, but suffice it to say Heather is a 10 as a companion and a girlfriend. I couldn’t ask for anything more in those departments. In fact, she’s such a good girlfriend that it was a medicinal effect, exactly like it’s described in this New York Times article about marriage and health.

Back to the sex. Ugh. We’re practically sexually incompatible because our sexual values are totally at odds. I’m really struggling with it. Like, even though emotionally we’re growing closer together and I have this gushy feeling of love, I want to a) break up after every time we screw and b) screw 10 other random hot chicks because I’m so frustrated.

Here’s why the sex doesn’t work:

  1. Our sexual values clash. I’m freaky, kinky, into D/s, love porn and model my sexual style on stuff I’ve seen in porn. If I have the right companion, my style is like video upload-worthy. She gets weirded out by anything remotely out of the ordinary.
  2. I get a lot of non-verbal negative feedback when I try something different, which totally knocks me out of a sexual state.
  3. I can’t get her to open up and unleash her inner freak. Well, I occasionally try to break from the script, but it often backfires.
  4. I’m super experienced and she’s only been with a couple of guys.
  5. My last several girlfriends have been incredible in the bedroom and it feels like I’ve gone backwards. Not backwards one or two steps, but rather more like 10 years in terms of quality.
  6. She doesn’t have orgasms from penetration or multiple orgasms in a single session.

I’m going to pontificate on the orgasm thing for  a moment because I know some readers may think I’m an insensitive dickwad for even bringing it up, but it’s at the heart of the conflict.

Here’s the deal with orgasms. When I have sex, my goal is to push us towards fantastical out-of-control sex (ie monkey sex) where we get into the intense Zone of Fucking. The Zone of Fucking is a porn-like state where the sex is so ridiculous and intense, that circus midgets are getting shot out of cannons and blimps are floating around outside my bedroom. It’s a pure emotional/physical/psychological fantasy world where nothing else exists but retardedly good sex.

The only way the Zone of Fucking is possible is for her to accept her role as a receiver of pleasure and to give me feedback so that I can push and shape the sexual experience. The primary driver of that feedback is her orgasm. No orgasm, no feedback, no Zone of Fucking. Let me put it this way. If you scaled a sexual experience from 1 to 10, where 10 is the most intense multi-orgasmic state ever with midgets and zeppelins, we can’t get out of #2. With my previous several girlfriends (and FB’s), I always got to 10.

It’s a lot like dancing. The guy has to lead the dance, and his partner has be skilled to a certain degree to really make it awesome.

Getting her off and flooding her with pleasure from fantasy fulfillment and ridiculous sexual acts is what sex is all about. It’s my role as a masculine, powerful lover. I could care less about my own climax and if I didn’t bust a nut and she got off 10 times in a single session, I’d be ecstatic. I think a lot of women have this idea that when a guy has sex, he simply wants to get off. Completely false. Real lovers want you to come and we want you to spiral through multiple orgasms. We want to instigate it, be instrumental in shaping the orgasm, build on it and move deeper into a sexual state, and direct the overall fantasy. I appreciate the artistry of sex and I consider myself an acolyte striving for mastery.

So, when I have sex with Heather and she has one tiny orgasm from a half hour of oral and never from a good solid screw, that’s humongously frustrating. We just can’t get anywhere.

Every day I want to nail a different hot chick just to get back to the Zone. I feel like I’m losing a part of myself, the primal sexual part that goes right down to my core and is part of my creative and emotional engine. But Heather is a rare find. I enjoy every minute we spend together outside the bedroom. She is such a good companion I almost feel like I’m taking advantage of her skill as a girlfriend.

Should I suffer in silence? Break up with her and find a so-so gf who is awesome in the sack? Get a second girlfriend? This is a tough one.

  • Honey

    Hopefully no one would marry someone who wasn’t interested and actively changing and growing as a person all the time.

    If she’s not interested in that (i.e, is set in her ways and looking for someone to “fit her”) then I’d recommend Lance break up with her now even if they do get along currently – because he is the kind of person who is always evolving. He will always have a shelf life with someone who doesn’t share that.
    .-= Honey´s last blog …3 Guys Who Hit On Me Recently, All of Whom Had Girlfriends =-.

  • Jax

    Lance, I know the feeling. It’s hard to even consider getting into a relationship after leaving one that was sexually incredible. My last relationship had a rough sexual start, but after truthful open communications about my expectations and past experience, I think he got it, then we both explored other areas that we had not before and grew sexually with each other. If you modified your post to be catered to a talk with her, I can’t imagine any woman would turn down a little sex ‘therapy’ to teach herself how to get into the state of being multi orgasmic, being relaxed enough to let you venture into the teaching mode. While you haven’t written about toys, a hatachi wand and a crystal wand are also ways to teach her to feel the difference between an externally evoked orgasm, an internally produced orgasm and how to blend the two for a more intense orgasm.
    If she says no to ‘learning’ even when approached in a loving, caring, giving way- yeah, move on.

  • Jax


    At least you orgasm but having that with someone else is amazing, it’s amazing with an electric appliance too but the connection when you get to know someones body enough and know how to make them orgasm is powerful. For many women, being on top allows for internal and external stimulation at the same time, most assurance of an orgasm or ejaculation.

  • Jax

    Why can’t the sex change?

  • Honey

    Thanks, Jax, but I can’t even masturbate to orgasm without a vibrator. We use a variety of different vibrators together in bed, so I do often have an orgasm with him involved :-)
    .-= Honey´s last blog …How Likely Are You To Get Divorced? =-.

  • syrai

    I could be your girlfriend cause you’re describing me. I hope I”m not and I don’t mean that to be offending. I had a boyfriend who’s idea of what sex means is different than mine too and i knew he thought i was being prudish and unexploring. Maybe i’ve got issues but i ended it because i don’t think he listened to me or understood. Like you we did everything together and we liked all the same stuff. All our friends thought we were the perfect couple. But he really seemed to draw this line between sex and everything else and I thought that made it cheap and just technical. It was like he’d be nice and charming but only because he wanted to impress me in bed later and because of that i couldn’t trust him anymore.

  • Lola Johnson

    Be patient. You can always find a good fuck. Soulmates…not so often.

  • jules@sugar mama man

    You usually never get to meet a girl that brings out the best in you. That is scarce but who says she is perfect? If she doesn’t have orgasm while you two are doing it, did it occur to you that you may not be her type when it comes to sex that is why she doesn’t have an orgasm? Think of it as a challenge for you to make her come.
    .-= jules@sugar mama man´s last blog …Hello online sugar mamas! =-.

  • Lance

    Jax, sorry, just no getting to this comment. We talked a little about intro’ing toys into our sex but I haven’t gotten around to the actual shopping. Can you break down exactly how the two wands work and why it works? Like, I’d even be interested in a guest post from you if you need the space. I think our readers could benefit from that knowledge.

  • The Pedant

    Good grief.

  • Ellie

    Hi Lance, great article.
    I just broke up with an Aussie guy for this exact reason. The sex was waaay too vanilla and his lack of experience really turned me off (he has been in 2 LTRs whils i have slept around a lot). He even told me that he didnt like the idea of anal. What?! Didnt know guys like that existed.
    Its a shame cos he was funny, fun and kind but like you i just felt i was losing a part of my primal self. I’m now back seeing my old FB, an arrogant d*ck, but hey the sex is awesome.

  • Ellie

    Hi Lance, great article. I just broke up with an Aussie guy for this exact reason. The sex was waaay too vanilla and his lack of experience really turned me off (he has been in 2 LTRs whils i have slept around a lot). He even told me that he didnt like the idea of anal. What?! Didnt know guys like that existed. Its a shame cos he was funny, fun and kind but like you i just felt i was losing a part of my primal self. I’m now back seeing my old FB, an arrogant d*ck, but hey the sex is awesome.

  • Andy

    Lance, I’m in a similar position. My girlfriend is fantastic in so many wonderful ways but I find sex with her extremely boring and unexciting. We’ve tried numerous/various levels/intensities of “monkey sex” as you call it, but it was pretty clear that it just wasn’t for her. There was a sense that she was slightly uncomfortable about my comparatively broad experience. I would never give her any sexual detail at all about my previous relationships – never a good idea!. I’ve had previous relationships where the sex was really very wild indeed and one which was beyond anything I’ve imaginable i.e. utterly intoxicating on a mental and physical level, long-lasting and intense with stunning multiple orgasms on her part. I feel I’ve been exposed to such intensity that nothing else now compares (very soft analogy – does anyone remember the “repeat lobster” scene in Annie Hall?). Weird thing is my girlfriend maintains very clearly that I do make her sooo happy sexually as well as in other ways. I just feel I’ve already had many experiences of fantastic sex so I’ll just carry on fantasising in my mind during sex as long as my girlfriend is happy. Nonetheless I’m strangely quite happy making that “sacrifice” of my own pleasure for my girlfriend. You can’t have everything in a relationship and I otherwise count myself lucky in sooo many ways with my girlfriend.

  • Samehere

    Any updates on what happened? I’m in thus exact sane position, but my otherwise perfect gal is more experienced than me so it makes little sense. Also some health issues mean shes on drugs that impede orgasm and dry her up. I was also in the opposite situation before — horrible bitchy partner w/ amazing sex.

    I an trying so hard (no pun intended) to alter my expectations but it’s not working. I talked to her and she has been using toys so it’s better but she’s still kinda just a wet noodle.

    The worse part is I know most of the issues stem from her negative body image so I feel like anything I say will make her more self conscious and ruin what little we have going for us.

    I want so badly to make this work but sex is just depressing now. I know so much of this is normal but my previous LTR sex was so insane (multiple soaking orgasms from penetration) that I guess my standards are too high.

    After dating train wrecks this is refreshing emotionally, but other than opening the relationship — which I’m not super kean to either — don’t know what to do. This is my dream girl… I was prepared to deal with anything, bit this is extremely challenging.

  • Lance

    Andy and Samehere: The update is we broke up after about a year of seeing each other. I didn’t have the balls to tell her my exact-exact reasons, that the sex was too vanilla, but I alluded to it that we weren’t a good match ultimately, which is true. I do believe we’re better off as friends and not lovers, so I’m striving to keep that friend relationship.

    I am now in a LTR where the sex is a perfect 10/10 sexually, our styles are absolute compliments. The companionship is average, say 6/10, and that creates a fair amount of friction, to the point where I’ve nearly ditched her on a couple of occasions. I’m trying to stick this one out to see if the companionship will evolve.

    There’s no perfect advice here. I could not stay in a relationship where the sex was less than a certain level. Some guys can and should. You have to decide for yourself what fulfills you.

  • Anonymousswinger

    Ive been through this before. I was wit someone that I was wilder than she was, she preferred vanilla sex was fine with kinky sex in the beginning but “changed” and we decided we were sexually incompatible. Bottom line is this, sexually you also need someone on your wavelength, because trying to be something you are not doesn’t work either if it’s not working that way.

    Try to work it out yes with her, but do know that unfortunately sometimes relationships do end because of sexual incompatibility..

  • Anonymousswinger

    I just read the reply good for you, I need my wild freaky sometimes over the top sex to satisfy me, and I need someone that is on my level in that regard, sex sometimes makes that big of a difference people.

  • Daringhero25

    My girlfriend is the same way. The sex is stuck at a #-2-3 sex scale and we have been dating for a year now so I don’t see that changing in a short period of time. If your ready to strap down the sac and put a ring on it then it would be a good idea to Stay with your girlfriend. You won’t be getting any good sex if you stay with her, well not for a couple years from this point. (If your lucky.) If you want to be having sexual intercourse with girls with ten out of ten results then I advise you to break up with your gf ifthats what you really want. From one guy to another – Good luck.

  • Girl

    Yeah get yet another girl who fakes the orgasms you describe in the “zone of fucking” state to stop you sulking, Honest Heather sounds way too good for you.

  • Jeremy Hughes

    Oh shut the fuck up.

    There is such a thing as “not fulfilling your role”

    If you’re a woman, and want a man, don’t be a cunt about sex or you’ll end up alone.

  • Jeremy Hughes

    Yah cuz infidelity is totally in fashion with you fuckin whores.

  • Jeremy Hughes

    Get therapy, you were obviously molested, the way you talk about sex reeks of a deeper hatred.

    And avoid dating, please, REAL good men end up blowing their heads off DAILY because of stupid fucking worthless dry slots like your own.

  • Jeremy Hughes

    Just leave bro, trust me, she won’t change.

    These girls are messed up by their mothers, I’ve had a couple GF’s like this, and when we split up I was able to get them to come clean on why it was always such an issue, alcohol helps them come clean btw. Both said similar things, that their mothers had told them men were disgusting and sex was just rape.

    Bad moms create bad lovers.

  • Jeremy Hughes

    I don’t buy it. I’ve been in a relationship with a woman for 3 years now, sex was awesome in the beginning, then it dropped off. Now it’s non existent. She still brags about “how much better” she’s doing because she has gotten “slightly” better at just acknowledging that there’s a problem. The actual problem, has to be circumvented using external sources, which DEFINITELY does not put POWER into the other partner. Knowing that I have ZERO ability to make this woman orgasm after 40 minutes of what would make ANY other woman bust left and right, and realizing that her vibrator can get her off in less than 5 minutes, makes me sad, feel unwanted, and inadequate. I feel sorry for your man honestly. He’s just putting up with you btw, probaby because he’s never had better.

  • Jeremy Hughes

    White knight, move along, nothing to see here. Just another d-bag claiming women can’t be wrong and that if you have an issue in a relationship it’s all “you”

    Offwinger is a disrespectful bitch in disguise. You talk like a bitch, your post reeks of being written by a BITCH. And your advice sucks.

    Having been in therapy, having been to university, having ACTUALLY studied psychology, DO NOT listen to this person, they are wrong on nearly all the comments they have left.