My Girlfriend Is Awesome. But The Sex Is Terrible

Balls! How I get into these situations? I’ve been seeing this girl for about six months, which is a decent long time for me. My girlfriend, who’s name is Heather, is pretty much the best girlfriend on the planet. She’s like a perfect 10 as a girlfriend, the complete opposite of my last long-term partner, Megan, who was a complete bitch. I have one complaint and it’s a big one: the sex is terrible.

When I say terrible I don’t mean horrible-terrible, like 10 car pileup bad, but more like pull-my-hair-out frustrating because it’s so vanilla it’s practically soft serve. I have blogged several posts about my ridiculous monkey sex episodes, which can be found here, here, and here. I’m into crazy-ass, kinky sex and vanilla sex is…well, boring.

Before I get into the sex stuff, I want to give a few bullet points about why Heather is such a fantastic girlfriend, because she is, and I want to be completely clear that I think she’s awesome.

  • Perfect companion. We enjoy doing any activity together, from rock climbing to running to indie flicks to sitting around and doing jack shit. I mean, this sounds weird, but Heather is the only chick I could spend all my free time with. Never had that before. Sounds like a ad, and it kind of is.
  • Conversation is excellent. Smart, wide ranging, deep.
  • She plays the girlfriend role brilliantly. She acts girlfriendy to the hilt, which makes me feel strong and good, which in turn enables me to fulfill the boyfriend role to my full potential. I was never able to fulfill this role with Megan because I she was terrible at acting girlfriendy.
  • Heather is physically attractive.
  • We’re on the same emotional wavelength.
  • She’s a successful professional and has her shit together.

There’s a lot more, but suffice it to say Heather is a 10 as a companion and a girlfriend. I couldn’t ask for anything more in those departments. In fact, she’s such a good girlfriend that it was a medicinal effect, exactly like it’s described in this New York Times article about marriage and health.

Back to the sex. Ugh. We’re practically sexually incompatible because our sexual values are totally at odds. I’m really struggling with it. Like, even though emotionally we’re growing closer together and I have this gushy feeling of love, I want to a) break up after every time we screw and b) screw 10 other random hot chicks because I’m so frustrated.

Here’s why the sex doesn’t work:

  1. Our sexual values clash. I’m freaky, kinky, into D/s, love porn and model my sexual style on stuff I’ve seen in porn. If I have the right companion, my style is like video upload-worthy. She gets weirded out by anything remotely out of the ordinary.
  2. I get a lot of non-verbal negative feedback when I try something different, which totally knocks me out of a sexual state.
  3. I can’t get her to open up and unleash her inner freak. Well, I occasionally try to break from the script, but it often backfires.
  4. I’m super experienced and she’s only been with a couple of guys.
  5. My last several girlfriends have been incredible in the bedroom and it feels like I’ve gone backwards. Not backwards one or two steps, but rather more like 10 years in terms of quality.
  6. She doesn’t have orgasms from penetration or multiple orgasms in a single session.

I’m going to pontificate on the orgasm thing for  a moment because I know some readers may think I’m an insensitive dickwad for even bringing it up, but it’s at the heart of the conflict.

Here’s the deal with orgasms. When I have sex, my goal is to push us towards fantastical out-of-control sex (ie monkey sex) where we get into the intense Zone of Fucking. The Zone of Fucking is a porn-like state where the sex is so ridiculous and intense, that circus midgets are getting shot out of cannons and blimps are floating around outside my bedroom. It’s a pure emotional/physical/psychological fantasy world where nothing else exists but retardedly good sex.

The only way the Zone of Fucking is possible is for her to accept her role as a receiver of pleasure and to give me feedback so that I can push and shape the sexual experience. The primary driver of that feedback is her orgasm. No orgasm, no feedback, no Zone of Fucking. Let me put it this way. If you scaled a sexual experience from 1 to 10, where 10 is the most intense multi-orgasmic state ever with midgets and zeppelins, we can’t get out of #2. With my previous several girlfriends (and FB’s), I always got to 10.

It’s a lot like dancing. The guy has to lead the dance, and his partner has be skilled to a certain degree to really make it awesome.

Getting her off and flooding her with pleasure from fantasy fulfillment and ridiculous sexual acts is what sex is all about. It’s my role as a masculine, powerful lover. I could care less about my own climax and if I didn’t bust a nut and she got off 10 times in a single session, I’d be ecstatic. I think a lot of women have this idea that when a guy has sex, he simply wants to get off. Completely false. Real lovers want you to come and we want you to spiral through multiple orgasms. We want to instigate it, be instrumental in shaping the orgasm, build on it and move deeper into a sexual state, and direct the overall fantasy. I appreciate the artistry of sex and I consider myself an acolyte striving for mastery.

So, when I have sex with Heather and she has one tiny orgasm from a half hour of oral and never from a good solid screw, that’s humongously frustrating. We just can’t get anywhere.

Every day I want to nail a different hot chick just to get back to the Zone. I feel like I’m losing a part of myself, the primal sexual part that goes right down to my core and is part of my creative and emotional engine. But Heather is a rare find. I enjoy every minute we spend together outside the bedroom. She is such a good companion I almost feel like I’m taking advantage of her skill as a girlfriend.

Should I suffer in silence? Break up with her and find a so-so gf who is awesome in the sack? Get a second girlfriend? This is a tough one.

  • BOO!

    Maybe you should go get a haircut, flirt with the stylist and start a week long go nowhere “witty” conversation with her via text. You can lie to her about being single, make some promises you won’t keep, and go as far as plan a first date only to cancel at the last minute. Lance, darling, bad sex is the very least you deserve. If there was any justice, your wonderful girlfriend would stumble upon this site and see the kind of “praise” you’re blogging about her. Man up and get a real life…stop wasting everybody’s time. You know, because “honesty is hot”.

  • Honey

    What this story is missing is what happened after you brought it up in conversation (at a time where you were not only not being sexual, but preferably not even at either of your homes). What did she say when you explained this to her. BECAUSE YOU DID EXPLAIN THIS TO HER, RIGHT?

    That’s what’s “taking advantage of her as a girlfriend,” IMO. By not being willing to bring your frustrations to her when she is being Awesome Girlfriend, you are actually kind of saying that you don’t believe she’s awesome enough to realize this is important and work on it.

    Instead, you are keeping your time out of the sack as conflict-free and awesome as possible, knowing you will eventually get totally frustrated and break up with her at a moment of YOUR choosing, while she will feel like it is totally coming out of the blue (since it kinda sounds like it would be, for her).

    That’s what’s taking advantage.
    .-= Honey´s last blog …My Girlfriend Is Awesome. But The Sex Is Terrible =-.

  • Honey

    I would also suggest that maybe you need to broaden your understanding of “good sex” as well. Yes, everyone has a favorite, and you’re definitely not getting your favorite, and that’s a serious issue for any couple.

    OTOH, if sex really IS about her as much as it is about you, then maybe you need to learn to start appreciating what she honestly seems to prefer. Being “monkey sex” EVERY time seems a bit one note to me. Are you capable of being tender and gentle, of cherishing her completely?

    Maybe if you can get her to fantasize for her a little bit, then you can fulfill them and get some positive feedback that will make both of you feel good and her more receptive to the things you like. I am not talking about trying to draw dirty girl fantasies about her, because those are YOUR fantasies. I’m talking about honestly asking her what she wants out of a sexual encounter and then trying to give her exactly that.

    Jake is awesome about doing that for me, which is why I pee on him sometimes when he’s not expecting it – which is his biggest fantasy. :-)
    .-= Honey´s last blog …My Girlfriend Is Awesome. But The Sex Is Terrible =-.

  • Julie

    I agree with Honey. TELL HER THIS. She is worth it. If she can’t deal with you bringing it up, or she can’t change enough for you, break up with her. That way a break up isn’t out of the blue. Definitely don’t stay in relationship with bad sex, those do not last long term. But be a good guy and be open and honest with her. She may surprise you and change and you can keep your otherwise 10. If she doesn’t change or can’t deal you will feel good you treated her fairly by being open with her.
    Sent from my iPhone

  • Jennifer

    Maybe she’d agree to an open relationship?

  • Natalie

    Lance, Lance, Lance! You need to be speaking to your girlfriend – I.e communicating. I totally agree with Honey et al. You are undermining your own relationship, not only by giving yourself the perfect opt out reason rather than communicate and work towards better sex, but also because rather than being in the relationship enjoying it, you have a predetermined idea of what you think sex should be. You can’t have porn sex every time otherwise it just becomes vanilla… Also women don’t have orgasms every time and nor do they expect to. And if she’s not at all, maybe she thinks it’s vanilla too. What I do know is that this situation is giving you the perfect out and unless you deal with it properly rather than chatting about it on here rather than directly to her, you’ll start shagging around behind her back and you’ll feel ‘justified’. Maybe it’s all feeling too ‘normal’ and it’s making you antsy but rather than look around elsewhere, so the decent thing and talk to your woman. It’s the least she deserves.
    .-= Natalie´s last blog …Am I Too Picky? The Tricky Issue of Quality Control In Dating & Relationships (P2) =-.

  • Chana

    What I would like explained is what is it that you call the perfect girlfriend role. What attributes make a person “act” girlfriendly?

  • kiera

    I agree with all the other comments for the most part. But if you have a talk and you can’t compromise… I’d say ask for permission to have a lady for monkey sex on the side.
    .-= kiera´s last blog …You Need To Be Quiet =-.

  • Honey

    Not to mention the fact that if she is about your age, you have reached the point where dating for a year means a proposal is imminent unless she is aware you are having problems. You could EASILY put yourself in a situation where you break up with her when she expects you to ask her to marry you, and destroy her completely. Not especially fair given your high opinion of her.
    .-= Honey´s last blog …3 Guys Who Hit On Me Recently, All of Whom Had Girlfriends =-.

  • someone

    I see you talking about penetration and clitoral stimulation, but no mention of you trying both at the same time. As I learned from Dan Savage, MOST women CAN’T get off on penetration alone.

    Is she squeamish about vibrators? You might want to try a clitoral vibrator that can be worn during penetration.

  • Offwinger

    I agree with everything that has been said so far about talking to her.

    I just want to add one more thing:
    Your comments about how to you everything is about HER and HER orgasm and HER experience are 100% total and absolute BULLSHIT.

    If it was really all about her, then your post wouldn’t be one incessant “me, me, me” whine-fest about how she doesn’t get that the way sex is supposed to go is that it’s about vindicating your abilities as the most monkey sex fantastic-y-est provider of sex ever. Only she isn’t “letting” you have sex the way it’s supposed to go, because…why, exactly? Have you actually had a conversation with her about what turns her on and what type of sex experience she enjoys? And if the answer is that she likes this and it’s good enough and she enjoys it, then shut the hell up already about how the purpose is really about her. It’s not. This is about YOU and YOU not feeling manly and sexual enough and that you get enough of a release. It has nothing to do with her actual satisfaction.

    And if she isn’t being fulfilled either, then how about talking to her about what can make things better? Here’s a hint: Try not approaching it with the attitude that YOU are experienced and SHE is a novice, that YOU know how to provide pleasure, but she doesn’t “get it,” and that YOU like to have crazy wild monkey kinky sex, so you want to know what would make HER ok with that.

    You both suck with each other, and it takes two to have bad sex. From what you’ve written here, after six months, if she’s still not very comfortable with you in the bedroom (and even if she is saying she is, her behavior and instincts say something different -dude, she’s not comfortable with you), then maybe the problem is that you really aren’t focusing on her as much as you think you are.

    If and when you break up with her because the sex is shitty, try not to convey the attitude you’re showing here that it was all her fault, because you’re doing damage for the next guy who tries to get her sexually comfortable with him too. That “I’m inexperienced and someone more experienced thinks I suck in bed” shit is cumulative and even self-confident women can get stuck believing it, when the truth is that “I MUST PLEASE YOU” vibes are simply a turn-off or signal to trigger awkwarness for many women.

  • Honey

    I have an awesome one that has attachments to go on a finger or around a dick. It’s fantastic.
    .-= Honey´s last blog …3 Guys Who Hit On Me Recently, All of Whom Had Girlfriends =-.

  • artrogish

    This is a classic example of the relationship between the sexual assertive and the sexual passive. This theory was developed by Dr. John Kappas, founder of Hypnosis Motivation Institute, in which the assertive requires a high degree of sexual stimulation to feel validated in the relationship while the passive tends to withdraw from sex once the relationship is cemented. Passives, in this case the girlfriend, can be very satisfied in relationships with very little sexual interaction. This tends to frustrate the assertive who needs to experience a high amount of sexual interaction to be fulfilled. For a fuller explanation of this phenomenon contact Dr Deborah Cooper, Beverly Hills, CA. Lance’s statement in his blog heading that “His goal is to be a kickass dude, meet cool people, and generally dominate at everything.” is a good indication of his assertive tendency. Passives are more interested in business and the statement that “She’s a successful professional and has her shit together.” and her disinterest in sexual experimentation are strong indicators of her passive nature. To resolve this relationship conflict will require compromise from both sides. Whether this union is worth saving will have to be decided as part of the work needed here, but if the relationship outside the bedroom is as good as you say then its really worth the effort. I suggest you set the expectation that “monkey sex” is not the goal. Rather, the goal might be how to satisfy both partners with differing needs.

  • Jennifer

    I agaree with Offwinger.
    I didnt come from sex or got any enjoyment out of penetration for years because I knew it meant soo much for my bf that I was enjoying it and that he was making such a huge effort.

    New bf then had the (we agreed on this, he wasn’t being a jerk) “i don’t give a fuck whether you like it or not, it’s great as long as you please me.” Which worked great – no more pressure to enjoy it (and come). Ended up making me love sex (and come from it).

    Also, what kind of D/s scenes have you tried? Do you know Screw the Roses give me the Thorns? They’ve got some nice non-scaring ideas to maybe ease your partner into the idea.

  • Kat Wilder

    Well, you have some pretty smart readers because most of their advice is spot-on.
    You have to communicate, you have to find out what her pleasure zone is and you might want to explore with her what might be holding her back when it comes to unleashing her sex animal — guilt? abuse? body image? Women have a lot of crap in their heads that keep them from enjoying sex.
    That said, is she happy with the sex?
    Look, sometimes people are 90 percent compatible, but there’s 10 percent that isn’t. How important is that 10 percent? If you and she are not compatible sexually, and the two of you can’t make it work — then you’d both be better off finding someone else.
    .-= Kat Wilder´s last blog …You’re my fantasy man =-.

  • Kat Wilder

    And one more thing — if she’s picking up in any way that you are frustrated (other than having a loving honest discussion, obviously), well, that will just make it worse …

    And — does she know you have a blog? Because …
    .-= Kat Wilder´s last blog …You’re my fantasy man =-.

  • dadshouse

    The sex will never change, because it’s tied into psychological and emotional cues inside each of you. She would have to change who she is in order to have the sort of sex you crave, or that you’ve had with other women. I don’t believe it’s just about teaching new techniques. Great sex is about the whole body, and the whole body is more than just physical.
    .-= dadshouse´s last blog …School Band in a Disneyland Sound Studio =-.

  • Honey

    I don’t think that’s true, DM. Sex for me now is totally different than when I was younger…and different with Jake than with previous partners.

    Lance’s preferences now were not at all representative of our sex life when we were dating.
    .-= Honey´s last blog …3 Guys Who Hit On Me Recently, All of Whom Had Girlfriends =-.

  • Nicole

    Yup, Dadshouse’s comment is RIGHT ON. It probably cannot be talked about and changed to the degree that Lance wants it. At best, after communication and trial and error, it may only improve somewhat, but may never be at that monkey sex level.

    And you say, one TINY orgasm after 30 minutes of oral? You sure she isn’t faking that? How can 30 mins of oral sex only yield a TINY orgasm?

    If she can’t cum from penetration alone, why not have her rub her own clit (to orgasm) while you’re fucking her missionary style?

  • Honey

    I agree that neither one of them will be able to alter the other’s preferences entirely, but I don’t think that’s the point. Maybe what Lance wants is unreasonable :-)

    I’ve never had an orgasm from oral, and being eaten out for half an hour just sounds annoying. It’s okay as a brief warmup, but penetration’s where it’s at (though I’ve never had an orgasm from anything other than a vibrator).
    .-= Honey´s last blog …3 Guys Who Hit On Me Recently, All of Whom Had Girlfriends =-.

  • Nicole

    Hmm, I agree with that. But the change occurs after a lengthy period of time, usually accompanied with changing yourself (growing as a person).

    Honey – interesting. I have little experience with women.

  • Honey

    Isn’t the goal to find someone you can spend your whole life with? That leaves a lot of room to grow and change together.
    .-= Honey´s last blog …3 Guys Who Hit On Me Recently, All of Whom Had Girlfriends =-.

  • The Beautiful Kind

    Damn. Your readers are brilliant. Esp Offwinger and dadshouse.

    I’m so glad you put this out there for a reality check, very brave of you. It’s so crazy you’ve been dating Heather for six months and she doesn’t know about this site! What else are you keeping from her?

    Do not settle. Be open and honest.

    I highly recommend the book “The Way of the Superior Man.” I’m going to post a review on it in a couple weeks. Very enlightening provocative concepts that will shed some insight on your dilemma.
    .-= The Beautiful Kind´s last blog …Fantasy Fire Vibe =-.

  • Lance

    TBK, thanks for stopping by. I read Way of the Superior Man and also Blue Truth, both by Deida, they were both mind bending. I recommend either for anyone and everyone. WTSM was a big influence on me growing as a sexual and emotional being.

    Check it:Way of the Superior Man
    .-= Lance´s last blog …3 Guys Who Hit On Me Recently, All of Whom Had Girlfriends =-.

  • dadshouse

    Honey – sounds like you’ve grown and matured over the years. I was under the assumption Heather is in her 30s, maybe because that’s the age of woman I tend to date (30s-40s). A woman that age is looking for a man who fits her. She’s not looking to change, unless she’s amazingly self-aware. But if she’s that self-aware, she’ll want to have better sex. It sounds like Heather is not there yet. She might have to pull an Eat Pray Love later in life to get there. And Lance won’t be a part of it. When a person needs to find themselves, they usually jetison their partner.

    Now then, if Heather is in her 20s, maybe she’s still exploring men and changing her perspective, and looking for guidance. But after 6 months of sex with no change or desire to change? I just don’t see it happening… I think Honey is projecting her own maturity and self-awareness onto someone who isn’t so evolved.
    .-= dadshouse´s last blog …Red is for Flirting =-.