About the Author

Lance is an aspiring social artist based in Central Florida. His goal is to be a kickass dude, meet cool people, and generally dominate at life. He enjoys sports, surfing, socializing, reading and writing. You can contact Lance via email here or online here.

My Girlfriend Is Awesome. But The Sex Is Terrible

Balls! How I get into these situations? I’ve been seeing this girl for about six months, which is a decent long time for me. My girlfriend, who’s name is Heather, is pretty much the best girlfriend on the planet. She’s like a perfect 10 as a girlfriend, the complete opposite of my last long-term partner, Megan, who was a complete bitch. I have one complaint and it’s a big one: the sex is terrible.

When I say terrible I don’t mean horrible-terrible, like 10 car pileup bad, but more like pull-my-hair-out frustrating because it’s so vanilla it’s practically soft serve. I have blogged several posts about my ridiculous monkey sex episodes, which can be found here, here, and here. I’m into crazy-ass, kinky sex and vanilla sex is…well, boring.

Before I get into the sex stuff, I want to give a few bullet points about why Heather is such a fantastic girlfriend, because she is, and I want to be completely clear that I think she’s awesome.

  • Perfect companion. We enjoy doing any activity together, from rock climbing to running to indie flicks to sitting around and doing jack shit. I mean, this sounds weird, but Heather is the only chick I could spend all my free time with. Never had that before. Sounds like a match.com ad, and it kind of is.
  • Conversation is excellent. Smart, wide ranging, deep.
  • She plays the girlfriend role brilliantly. She acts girlfriendy to the hilt, which makes me feel strong and good, which in turn enables me to fulfill the boyfriend role to my full potential. I was never able to fulfill this role with Megan because I she was terrible at acting girlfriendy.
  • Heather is physically attractive.
  • We’re on the same emotional wavelength.
  • She’s a successful professional and has her shit together.

There’s a lot more, but suffice it to say Heather is a 10 as a companion and a girlfriend. I couldn’t ask for anything more in those departments. In fact, she’s such a good girlfriend that it was a medicinal effect, exactly like it’s described in this New York Times article about marriage and health.

Back to the sex. Ugh. We’re practically sexually incompatible because our sexual values are totally at odds. I’m really struggling with it. Like, even though emotionally we’re growing closer together and I have this gushy feeling of love, I want to a) break up after every time we screw and b) screw 10 other random hot chicks because I’m so frustrated.

Here’s why the sex doesn’t work:

  1. Our sexual values clash. I’m freaky, kinky, into D/s, love porn and model my sexual style on stuff I’ve seen in porn. If I have the right companion, my style is like video upload-worthy. She gets weirded out by anything remotely out of the ordinary.
  2. I get a lot of non-verbal negative feedback when I try something different, which totally knocks me out of a sexual state.
  3. I can’t get her to open up and unleash her inner freak. Well, I occasionally try to break from the script, but it often backfires.
  4. I’m super experienced and she’s only been with a couple of guys.
  5. My last several girlfriends have been incredible in the bedroom and it feels like I’ve gone backwards. Not backwards one or two steps, but rather more like 10 years in terms of quality.
  6. She doesn’t have orgasms from penetration or multiple orgasms in a single session.

I’m going to pontificate on the orgasm thing for  a moment because I know some readers may think I’m an insensitive dickwad for even bringing it up, but it’s at the heart of the conflict.

Here’s the deal with orgasms. When I have sex, my goal is to push us towards fantastical out-of-control sex (ie monkey sex) where we get into the intense Zone of Fucking. The Zone of Fucking is a porn-like state where the sex is so ridiculous and intense, that circus midgets are getting shot out of cannons and blimps are floating around outside my bedroom. It’s a pure emotional/physical/psychological fantasy world where nothing else exists but retardedly good sex.

The only way the Zone of Fucking is possible is for her to accept her role as a receiver of pleasure and to give me feedback so that I can push and shape the sexual experience. The primary driver of that feedback is her orgasm. No orgasm, no feedback, no Zone of Fucking. Let me put it this way. If you scaled a sexual experience from 1 to 10, where 10 is the most intense multi-orgasmic state ever with midgets and zeppelins, we can’t get out of #2. With my previous several girlfriends (and FB’s), I always got to 10.

It’s a lot like dancing. The guy has to lead the dance, and his partner has be skilled to a certain degree to really make it awesome.

Getting her off and flooding her with pleasure from fantasy fulfillment and ridiculous sexual acts is what sex is all about. It’s my role as a masculine, powerful lover. I could care less about my own climax and if I didn’t bust a nut and she got off 10 times in a single session, I’d be ecstatic. I think a lot of women have this idea that when a guy has sex, he simply wants to get off. Completely false. Real lovers want you to come and we want you to spiral through multiple orgasms. We want to instigate it, be instrumental in shaping the orgasm, build on it and move deeper into a sexual state, and direct the overall fantasy. I appreciate the artistry of sex and I consider myself an acolyte striving for mastery.

So, when I have sex with Heather and she has one tiny orgasm from a half hour of oral and never from a good solid screw, that’s humongously frustrating. We just can’t get anywhere.

Every day I want to nail a different hot chick just to get back to the Zone. I feel like I’m losing a part of myself, the primal sexual part that goes right down to my core and is part of my creative and emotional engine. But Heather is a rare find. I enjoy every minute we spend together outside the bedroom. She is such a good companion I almost feel like I’m taking advantage of her skill as a girlfriend.

Should I suffer in silence? Break up with her and find a so-so gf who is awesome in the sack? Get a second girlfriend? This is a tough one.

  • Jeremy Hughes

    At least some of you are honest…

  • Jeremy Hughes

    That’s not true, at all. I’ve given women that “claimed” they could not orgasm several without a problem. Savage tends to focus on emotionally fked up women that have childhood issues, of course THEY can’t get off. They are stuck for the rest of their lives with the image of their father or uncle rubbing his junk on them. Just find a woman that isn’t all fked up, damaged goods, let someone that enjoys futility deal with them.

  • Lola

    This is an interesting article and I am glad I have found it. I am a dominatrix (domme), and I find the article very informative. It may be that the girl is worried she will be judged if she enjoys sex too much or appears to be too experienced. It’s usually accepted/expected to be sexually experienced for a man, but women are expected to be more selective sexually. So having/displaying a lot of sexual experience may get here labelled a slut.

    I think this holds back a lot of women. Also women’s magazines etc. do say men only want to have sex, and do not emphasise on the fact that most men want to please.

  • Bob Dole

    Reading her response made my blood boil.
    No wonder all these girls are getting divorced in less than 2 years, NO MAN ever wants to have to beg to get laid and have fun and any woman that considers sex “unimportant” is probably a really stupid and boring feminist.

  • Bob Dole

    I went through it for YEARS, like um… 10 years roughly. Thinking it was me, thinking it was the job I had, thinking I was unattractive… Come to find out after ALL these years that my “super faithful” ex was actually a total whore, found out that all but maybe 3 of my ex “best” friends had slept with her, found out my uncle got a BJ from her on a family camping trip.
    So basically I disowned my uncle, kicked her out of the house, got a lawyer, proved in court that she had been sleeping around, nullified any possessions she could have been entitled to, and moved on.
    Now I’m in another relationship, been going for about 3 years now, only been cheated on twice so far and she seems to be doing good now (no cheating in 2.5 years) and ya, w/e, fuck relationships the shit is stupid.
    (in case you couldn’t tell I have 100% completely given up on finding a decent woman to have sex with me and only me, at 30 years of age I have come to the realization that monogamy was a sick fkn joke played upon us by our parents and all these “super faithful AND super horny” girls DO NOT FCKING exist. Sorry, but if you do get a “horny” one, she is almost 99.99% guaranteed to also be a whore, and if you get a “reliable” one, she is 99.99% guaranteed to not give a FK about your sex life and needs.
    Just how the world works kids, get used to it…

  • Bob Dole

    Amen! Why is it always the guys fault that the woman can’t operate her own goodies? fk me right?
    Reminds me of Jim Jeffries “You had one job darling, my job was to get hard, yours was to get wet, and you’re not wet!”
    And in the minds of MANY women that would be OUR fault… LMAO
    How come I can get a hard on JUST SEEING YOUR BEAUTIFUL SMILING FACE and THINKING ABOUT YOU, but you can’t get wet when I’m right here, kissing, touching, caressing…
    If you can’t get your hole wet, go see a doctor. Please.

  • Bob Dole

    According to Offwinger if a man is unhappy with his sexual relationship he just needs to step back, realize he is 100% garbage, worthless, and an asshole for even THINKING that he might deserve some better lovin, cut his dick off, flush it down the toilet, stab himself in the face, then apologize for even THINKING that he had the RIGHT to go ask his woman for more adventurous sex!
    Fuck off offwinger, and Guest is right, you read like a crazed feminist, shit, all you had to do was call sex “rape in disguise” and you would have gone full feminist retard.

  • cleo queen

    You are insanely shallow Wow. Porn isn’t real life bud. Let this amazing girl have another guy who isn’t a selfish shallow dickhead

  • cleo queen

    Oh saw you broke up with her. Good. Did her a favor. You deserve the bitchy insanely prissy girls you get the 10/10 sex with but who you cannot stand to have around you. Because your values are physical beauty and sex. The rest is optional.

  • Modern Casanova

    “cleao queen” you are brutal :)

  • Bob Dole

    She’s arrogant, has committed numerous logical fallacies in her argument, and clearly has no understanding of biology or sexual physiology. She’s a tool, and a dull one at that.

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