Don’t Abuse Your Fuck Buddy (FB pt 3)

This is part 3 of my FB thread. Part 1 is how we met, part 2 is how we closed the deal. This post includes the reflections and insights I had on the process of obtaining an FB. At the bottom I tell the story of how I fucked up a past relationship in true chode-like fashion.

Here are my takeaways:

1. I was attracted to Amber due to a combination of looks and personality. She’s cute, but not what I normally look for physically. Her personality and sense of humor are totally awesome though, and that jumped her up a beat or two on the attraction scale. I wanted to nail her.

2. After meeting her, but before closing the deal, I knew we would ONLY work as friends or FB’s. There are three big reasons for this: 1) She’s leaving in June to teach English in Spain, 2) We weren’t each others normal physical type, and 3) I can’t take on an LTR right now for various reasons.

3. When I gamed her up, I wasn’t moving the interaction towards anything she didn’t want. She wanted to be picked up and she was happy I had the right moves. I just had to prove I wasn’t a psycho or an insecure douchebag.

4. Before closing the deal, I developed my strategy for getting us into a fuck buddy thing and avoiding a dating or relationship frame. The simplest way to do this, which I don’t recommend, is to ask, “Hey, do you want to be fuck buddies?” So, what’s the flaw here? That’s totally unsexy! It comes off like the scene between Andy and his cougar boss in the movie 40 Year Old Virgin. Yuck. So I avoided the direct approach.

5. To set up the FB, I maintained a sexual frame with her at all times and NEVER communicated or sub-communicated that I was available for a relationship. This is the most important part. Obviously, this means I couldn’t get needy or clingy. I had to maintain fun & sexy and not lead her on by suggesting we were soul mates, LTR material, or anything like that. Then, I communicated that I was a sex master (may or may not be true). This kept things hot and immediate.

6. I wasn’t 100% certain she would go for a just-sex thing, but I handicapped it at 75%. Good odds. The point here is that I risked losing her to establish what I thought was the best relationship type. If she had refused and decided to never see me again, I would have been cool with decision.

7. We don’t just have sex. We go out on the town and have fun ALWAYS before hooking up, so in a sense we act like bf-gf when we’re together. Although there’s no hand holding. I do buy her drinks and the occasional meal. We definitely treat each other well. Never abuse your fuck buddy.

Here’s the #1 Takeaway I Gained From This Relationship

Always have a strategy for every potential relationship or romantic interaction!! If you go on a date, evaluate that person and decide if they’re a friend, fuck buddy, girlfriend, married material, or nothing at all. Do this based on every piece of info you have at your disposal. Spend time interacting, give the person a chance to shine, and then process the information the next day. Don’t make a rash decision. Go on several dates if it takes you that long. Don’t just go into an interaction with a vague feeling like, gee, she’s kinda hot and I’d have sex with her, but what next? Think a few steps ahead.

The more dates and experience you get, the faster you’ll be able make those decisions.

Also, develop an exit strategy that doesn’t fuck over you or the other person. At some point the FB relationship will end. By their nature, they’re a short term deal. If you can’t get out of the relationship without fucking over the girl, then don’t have sex with her. Move on. Don’t be that douchebag guy who leads a chick on just to keep having sex.

I think women make these evaluations naturally and automatically, sometimes to the point of disqualifying perfectly good partners if their d-bag radar is too finely tuned. My advice to you is give the guy a chance to shine. If he doesn’t and turns out to be a complete asshole, ditch him. Would love some female feedback on the qualification process here…

Never get into an LTR if you only want sex and nothing else. This will lead to a horrible relationship. Admit to yourself that you only want sex. Recognize and honor the difference between love and lust. Never get into a relationship simply because you have nothing else going on. If you don’t have many options, go find some. Or stay single.

Lastly, An Example Of How I’ve Fucked This Up In The Past

Okay, here’s a great personal example of how I’ve screwed this up in the past. This is in my pre-pimp days, when I had no skillz and I was the poster boy for average frustrated chumps.

I was part of this co-ed sports club in college. I hooked with up a chick, Rosanna, at one of our parties. We had sex. The problem here is she had a boyfriend, Larry, who not only was a member of our club, but a good friend of mine. Whoops!

Anyway, we hooked up two more times after that, both times after parties. After the third time, I turned into a complete needy asshole and I put huge amounts of emotional pressure on her to ditch her boyfriend and go out with me. I had no other female options. Guess what happened? Yup. I stole the girl. So now not only is Larry out a girlfriend (probably a good thing considering her character), but we had to dissolve our friendship. To make matters worse, Larry was the laughingstock of the club because it was perceived that he allowed me to steal his girl. Ugh

Rosanna and I went out for a full year. It was a mediocre relationship on it’s best days, and a terrible one at it’s worst. We were only mildly attracted to each other and not especially compatible. I was a needy, clingy, sackless retard. Guess what she did? She cheated on me with other guys in our club!!! Karma is a bitch, and I got what I deserved.

What I should have done was either a) hooked up with her once and called it a day, or b) not hooked up at all. But I didn’t know shit back then.

I hope this helps. Bottom line is, know what the hell you’re doing when you game up women. If you’re doing the FB thing, do it right and don’t screw over your partner.

girlsgirlsgirls_sm.jpg

(Have you ladies ever heard the term “fuck buddy?”…)

Photo credit Tampa Bay Times

  • http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com Hot Alpha Female

    lance you needy and insecure? I just didnt think that one was possible! lol

    totally liking the term d-bag radar. Its so true each and every girl has one inbuilt. Goes along with the gay-dar

    HAF

    Hot Alpha Female’s last blog post..Does Being Challenging Lead To Ultimate Defeat?

  • http://honeyandlance.com/contact Lance

    On a serious note, how finely tuned is your d-bag radar? Do you ever disqualify guys right off the based on whatever…looks, dress, etc? Or have you go it figured out?

  • http://www.angeleyesdevilsmile.com Brad

    One of the things that I’ve found that works (and has been iterated by Brent Smith countless number of times) is to just say:

    “I’m only capable of a physical relationship right now”.

    From what I’ve seen, without going into the hidden psychology behind it, as long as the woman feels that you are a man that won’t spread the fact that you are FB’s with this person and it’s discreet… a large portion of women really have no problem with this…

    … albeit in the short term.

  • http://cheekiebacktalk.blogspot.com cheekie

    Oh you know how I love this topic!
    And I agree with the line Brad provided (via Brent Smith).

    I think you need to have a certain friendship level already established before you bring that puppy out though.
    It has to be someone who understands where you are at in life right now, and someone who knows you aren’t ‘the bad guy’.
    Otherwise, it is doomed.

    I have made some of the same mistakes as Lance, and I have learned how to do it right, as has Lance. It’s really all about ‘Expectation Management’.
    Be honest and respectful….that’s key.

    And as for Brad’s statement ‘… albeit in the short term.’
    Well, that is kinda the idea behind the FB. It isn’t intended to drag on for years. It is a ‘stop gap’ measure so to speak.
    Keeps the smell of desperation off ya….lol.

    Although, I do know many people who have FB’s, they stop due to one or the other getting into a relationship, and then resume once that relationship is over. For some people it works.
    Especially if it was a healthy and honest FB scenario.
    I also know that it isn’t always the women who get ‘too attached’…

  • http://cheekiebacktalk.blogspot.com cheekie

    p.s. GREAT series Lance….

  • http://thedateabledork.typepad.com The Dateable Dork

    Lance, excellent close to a great bunch of posts.

    My radar is pretty well tuned, and I can always tell by the end of a first date whether things are going to work out or not. Granted, I don’t always listen to my instincts, but that doesn’t mean they’re not there.

    And seriously, it sounds like you really know how to mack it. Fucking hilarious. I wonder how many guys think this much before approaching a woman?

    The Dateable Dork’s last blog post..With my feet back on the ground

  • http://www.vcarded.com The Virgin

    Awesome set of posts. I always thought the FWB thing was a myth ;)

    The Virgin’s last blog post..V-Carded! Hall of Shame: Mr. Dickson (American Idol)

  • Lance

    Definitely not a myth. I think fuck buddyism is prevalent, almost to the point where it’s pushing gf-bf relationships.

  • freja

    Lance, please expound on “fuck buddyism is prevalent, almost to the point where it’s pushing gf-bf relationships”..?

  • heather

    From a female perspective … problem with any of these is that one or the other always ends up liking the other one or wants a relationship. If the tables turn, the other is licking his or her wounds, dumbfounded by being shut off. Sad but true. Sorry guys, FB’s are not something to tide you over. It’s like a snowball of replacements for a whole bunch of emptiness. Most guys (and gals) who do them, especially more and more, find themselves never really finding anything with substance and I’ve witnessed quite a few pathetic men and women wasting away their good years trying to pass off one of these “temporaries” in lieu of something both emotionally and sexually satisfying. And then what? Prostitutes? Try it once for a time, but my advice? If you’re regularly doing this, you’ve more than likely got few problems upstairs. And women know/sense that just as women like that can be detected by guys just the same. No one wants someone who secretly carries emotional baggage, for a trip around the block or for the duration.

  • Laurie

    I have been in an occassional FB relationship for 10 months. There is an age difference and distance issue. It has been great. It’s starting to fizzle and I want to make sure it ends and doesn’t keep hanging on. We’ve ended it several times and mutually restarted it. I do think if people really know, they would freak. It is so not me but works great with my lifestyle. I would definitely do it again if the chemistry were right.

  • Wizard

    Stumbled across this, just wanted to chuck in my situation as i’m feeling a bit stuck

    Initially thought my FB would only last a few weeks… 2 years later its a habbit harder to shake than heroin. We’ve both been through the reasons (I have Wife+Kid / She has Fiance) but we cant seem to shake the whole situation. We both invent random reasons every second day to see each other, although we both know what were after as we have zero interest except for the sex. (I cant say no, and she cant turn down my Size)

    I feel like i could keep this rolling for the rest of my life, but its just not practical – suggestions?

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    I’d suggest seeing a counselor if you can’t kick it on your own. Or working on your other relationships more actively and slowly decreasing your available free time. This isn’t really an FB thing, though–it’s an affair, which is why it’s harder to kick, I’m guessing. I’ve never had an affair so I don’t really have specific advice.

    Honeys last blog post..Unlikely Superheroes: The Men of Match

  • immusiody

    Hello

    As a fresh honeyandlance.com user i just want to say hi to everyone else who uses this forum 8-)

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  • Shiv

    Hi
    This is an interesting topic. I’m a girl and over the last few years I have befriended 3 separate men. We became really close and flirty and then the sex started.
    All of these guys have just been into an FB situation, but would never dare admit it to me, even when I asked them up front.
    Now the issue is not that that was all they were interested in , I can appreciate that and I don’t have problems with it. But all on all the occasions lied blatantly to me , lead me on. It was poor behaviour and I have wiped all three guys, asking them not to contact me.
    Yet I’ll get the odd sms letting me know that they miss me and our friendship , attempting to befriend me again. The last douchbag was begging me to go out with him and his sleazy mate. They don’t seem to get that their lying and nasty treatment has ruined a friendship with me.
    So the important thing is to be honest with your FB. Let us make the decision on whether this is the kind of relationship we want. Don’t be evasive or deceptive , we’ll only up feeling used and hurt in the end.

  • http://sofuckingsweet.com LAC

    I recently got into my first FB relationship. Honestly, it was because I met a guy that I liked intellectually, but disqualified immediately from dating material (I’m much further on in my career/life, he’s not physically my type, and we totally have a great friend vibe but not a flirty one). It’s early on, but I can say it’s one of the most liberating “relationships” I’ve ever had. The sex is amazing and I really just enjoy his company. But there are no feelings attached, good or bad. It’s amazing to take the “crush” element out of the whole thing, so that we just feel totally comfortable with each other. And it’s totally easy. We’re both casually dating people, and talk about them with each other, and it’s totally not weird. We are totally honest and direct with each other, and there is no bullshit whatsoever. The irony is that it’s so uncomplicated, I think that both of us have wondered down the line if maybe we’ll start actually dating! Who knew?

    So my thought is, ladies, if you can find a guy and swing the deal I have swung, then for the love of god go for it. The key, I think, is to be with someone you wouldn’t date for whatever reason, but have great chemistry with and who’s not generally a douche and to be clear about each step of the equation and treat each other with respect.
    .-= LAC´s last blog …Clone High=the slam =-.

  • methusela

    You are my hero. I have been that needy, sackless retard too much. It’s the investment of time that’s a killer, and the worst part of it is, that I’d have done more for myself and my self esteem, if I’d done nothing at all in a few cases. I don’t have a great big sexual dossier so I’ll take what I can get… but… I was a douche.

    The worst part of it is that I established a terrible modus operandi of being a needy, sackless, retard even with relationships that were total platonic. I have had some difficult perceptions that make me try to use pity/over-sensitivity as a vice by default. In reality I am almost pathologically insensitive. A person never thinks they’re that guy right off the bat. There’s no schools for these things, nobody tells you what’s the most effective.

  • jeremy

    man awesome story.gives me some confidence…kinda.lol.
    i got a shitload of questions when it comes to females.can u text me on info??lol

  • Jack

    Wow, you sound like a total douchebag.

  • chiba

    hands down probably the best FB thread I have ever read. And a lot of this I happen to find in my own personal experiences so nice work.

  • Evan

    Fuck buddy. Honestly I wounder if this can ever end good. Emotions will build. It sucks because sex is great. Sometimes all you want is sex. Sometimes your desires get a hold of you. How ethical is it? How smart is it? Is it impulsive? I kind of want a fuck buddy but i just don’t know if i can deal with all the above issues. Plus I am really not one to A) have my heart broken or B) Break another’s heart. Oh and one night stand are grime tastic. Man whore, lady whore, whatever just gross. It’s hard but, keep yourself check. Ehhhh… what ever I’m going to get a fuck buddy!!! Just please don’t fall in love with me. I respect all women to the greatest extent I hate breaking hearts more than anything.

  • Lola

    Thanks Evan. I’m one of those that was taken for this ride more than once, and I sure didn’t appreciate it. Women generally don’t have sex unless they feel there is also an emotional connection. Thus, if a guy wants sex, she feels he must also feel the emotional connection and that it would possibly build to something permanent. Any woman who contradicts this is most likely not being fully honest with herself. Men who do this are playing with women and don’t truly care about their well-being in the long run.

  • tonio09

    Totally disagree with the long term relationship advice. I.e. don’t enter one if it’s only for sex.

    Dude, sex is sex. That’s all there is to it. You’re saying that you should have hooked up only once with Rosanne or never hooked up. Instead you had sex with her for 1 full year. Now which one is better? Have sex once or not at all, or have sex all the time for a full year? Of course you could go out and pick up another chick, but pickup takes a lot of work, and fucking a girl you’re in a relationship with barely takes any work. So again which one is better? In my opinion if you were looking for sex, then entering into a mediocre relationship with Rosanne was the right decision. who cares that she fucked other dudes? She still had sex with you.