About the Author

Lance is an aspiring social artist based in Central Florida. His goal is to be a kickass dude, meet cool people, and generally dominate at life. He enjoys sports, surfing, socializing, reading and writing. You can contact Lance via email here or online here.

Men Faking Orgasms, Why Porn Is A Good Thing, Pornstar Sex (NSFW)

My good pal and uber-dating coach Evan Marc Katz posted a link to this article in New York Magazine. The article, by Davy Rothbart, is called How Porn Is Affecting the Libido of the American Male. It’s a solid article and provokes thought. I encourage you to open another tab on your browser, read it, and then come back to this post for some Lance goodness. After you’re done, leave me some comment love. BTW, this post is NSFW, so don’t go past the jump if you’re squeamish when you see words like cumshot, masturbation, or pornstar sex.

A personal anecdote: Yesterday, I went through a flurry of porn watching on a couple of free sites and found the time to flog the dolphin three times. I also rogered my girlfriend that night. What’s ironic is that watching multiple hours of porn is an unusual activity for me (don’t laugh I’m serious) because my sex life is usually pretty good. But, I had some weird stuff going on with a new supplement I’ve been taking for working out and it’s been fucking with my sleep patterns and libido. To make a long story short, I was insanely horny yesterday and all the porn watching raised a red flag about my physical state. Then I read the article I thought maybe it was written for me! Weird!

Anyway, there’s a shitload of cool stuff to respond to in his article. Here are salient points:

1. In his first paragraph, Rothbart describes how he picked up a chick at a Broadway show (great idea!), took her home and banged her. He said he faked an orgasm. The whole rest of the article is basically him arguing that his porn habit caused him to fake an orgasm because he’s disconnected from his partners and reality blah blah blah.

Here’s what I want to say about that. I have faked many an orgasm with many partners, probably all of them now that I think about it. It was never because I watched too much porn or prefer Internet girls to real girls. For me, the reason is usually chemical: I’m really drunk on vodka-redbulls, which has the amazing effect of turning me into Thor the Norse God of Thunder. If I drink more than 5 of them, I simply cannot have an orgasm and I’ll fake it to bring a more natural conclusion to a marathon bang session. Recently, I’ve found certain supplements have the affect of doing a 4x modifier on my libido also.

Besides chemicals, sometimes I can get into a mental state where I have 100% control of my gonads and I can pick when I blow my wad. I call this the Lance Fuck Zone. It happens rarely, but it’s pretty cool when I get there. Basically, I turn into a grade A pornstar badass and I go marathon lengths without shooting off. I imagine it’s similar to the zone Kobe gets into when he drops 50 on an opponent, it’s just straight nasty. I’ve also noted a correlation between my aggressiveness in the sack and my control, basically the more animalistic and aggressive I get the more control I have. So, I know mental state has a big effect on control.

This bullet point is probably worthy of a whole post.

2. Most of the time when I fake an orgasm, I don’t consider it faking, really. I’ll say I “shot a blank” or I’ll describe what is essentially a spiritual/emo orgasm without the ejaculation part. And you know what? I’m being 100% honest. Sometimes I’ll bang with such intensity and it will reach such a ridiculous crescendo, the only thing I can do is scream like an animal and wiggle like a shake weight. Sounds and looks like an orgasm to me. The chick is always fine with it.

3. When I have sex, the process of it is NEVER about me having an orgasm and ejaculating. I always focus on creating orgasms for her and weaving fantasies and mental states for my partner. I think men having sex so that they can create their own ejaculation is such a low, unsatisfying form of sex that it’s not even worth having. To put it bluntly, I’m about arousing my partner and could care less about my own orgasm.

4. When I do orgasm, it’s usually to create closure to the encounter and also because she gets really turned on by it. I think this is a really big misconception about men, that most women think dudes want to bang because they need to bust a nut. Not true. True sexual artists do the deed because they want to create a deep, intense, and satisfying sexual state for both partners.

5. If I’m getting laid regularly and having intense, pornstar sex, I never watch porn.

6. I’m more concerned about chicks getting addicted to their sex toys  and replacing real sex with sex-toy sex. I am also concerned about chicks becoming de-sensitized to a real cocks and only being able to orgasm with their toys. I’ve read blog posts from chicks who masturbate with butt plugs, glass dildos, and clitoral stimulaters, and sometimes all three at the same time. (Interestingly, women diddling themselves with multiple toys is a significant slice of net porn). I know far more women that own sex toys than I know men that watch porn regularly. How does a dude compete with something that looks like this?

How to Use Porn to Enrich Your Life

I’ve blogged about this before. Porn has enriched my sex life in a huge way. I’ve learned a good deal about dirty talk, about what turns me on, about creating fantasies, great moves, and overall how to manage a rockin’ sexual encounter. I think sex is like dancing. If you don’t study it, you won’t learn how to do it well. How do we learn? Reading. Watching video. Good partners. Practice. There are mega-tons of video of every imaginable shade of kinky sex on the internet these days and most of it is FREE. Use it as a resource.

It’s possible to become oversaturated with porn, but like all things, use it in moderation. Rothbart mentions a John Mayer interview where Mayer admitted to looking at 300 vaginas before he got out of bed. That’s too much porn. Try just a couple of videos per week.

My Take on Pornstar Sex

Rothbart also bags on Pornstar sex, or what he calls the Porn Star Experience. Here’s a big ass quote:

As a result of the blending of reality and fantasy, some women have chosen to willingly play along by a new set of rules in order to keep their men interested: They’re intentionally impersonating porn stars. Sadie, the real-estate agent, says, “A lot of guys have come to expect P.S.E. [the “Porn-Star Experience”] as a common thing—snatches waxed bald, access to every hole—and plenty of women are more than happy to provide. A few might enjoy it, but for most it’s harrowing. I think there’s a fear that if they can’t make it happen, their boyfriend will retreat online.”

Personally, I love pornstar sex and I think it’s one mode of sex that’s satisfies a deep, primal need for guys and gals. Do I have it all the time? Absolutely not…but often enough. Crazy animalistic sex is better than any drug out there. If you’re not having it, you don’t know what you’re missing.

I don’t think boyfriends retreat online, or at least that should be a minor concern…what they retreat to is another chick who’s into pornstar sex! If the sex is bad, partners will look elsewhere. A better question, regarding pornstar sex, is are the two partners compatible. If his style is Ron Jeremy and her style is buttoned up school marm, they probably aren’t going to get along in the sack and it’s best if they went in separate directions. Unless she’s secretly a dirty school marm.

  • T

    Just a bit on the women with their toys…

    Well, I’m one of them. And because I can take care of myself I’ve never been too concerned about finding a boyfriend or getting laid. In that way, sex-toy-sex does replace real-sex for me, but in the same way that you don’t have sex just to bust a nut, well, neither do I.
    So when I finally bothered to, I have to tell you that it was *totally different*. First off, there’s the mental stimulation of being with another person that just doesn’t happen with fantasies or pornography. And unless a woman has one of the suction cup types or something reeeeally fancy (which I don’t), we really can’t get any thrusting feeling. And touching yourself is kind of like tickling yourself, it’s just more effective when someone else does it. Even if he’s that crucial 5mm off.
    Toys didn’t ruin men for me (in fact my uh, nicely developed pc muscles were appreciated), but I used to be really awesome with my fingers and now I just don’t have the patience for that.

    I just don’t think too highly of “porn star sex” because 99% of the time, the women look totally bored and they don’t even show the guy’s face when he cums (among other problems that turn me off. Lack of variety is a big one. Abby Winters is good for variety though, and the ladies at kink.com always seem to be into it. Gotta go with gay porn to see the cam pointed at men though). Frankly, I don’t want men learning from porn because most of it is incredibly lame. The 1% of the time when porn is actually hot though…

  • http://www.mysecrethobby.blogspot.com kiera

    If men feel the need to “fake” an orgasm to provide the proper closure to a sexy romp and avoid disrupting the flow or spark an awkward conversation, so be it. I wouldn’t be insulted. It happens.

    What blew my mind in the article was the guy that raced home from work to jerkoff before his wife got home — that’s a result of sexual incompatibilities, not porn. I feel bad when porn gets a bad rap. Even though some of it is exploitative, filthy trash, there is value behind the good stuff. And like everything, moderation is key.

    @T – There’s plenty of amazing porn with male facial expressions out there, it just takes some extra digging.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Lance

    Ladies, props to both of you for commenting. T, that’s interesting insight. Like Kiera says, there is plenty of straight porn out that with male orgasm faces, just look around. I have *very* specific tastes for my porn and I do targeted searches on a site like xhamster that has a massive archive and a good search engine. All free. 98% of porn I find non-arousing or distasteful, so I skip past it.

    ALSO, if you love watching real people have orgasms (male and female) in tastefully done video, check out this site: http://beautifulagony.com

    You have the pay and they don’t show genitalia, but it’s still remarkably arousing.

  • Jax

    Lance, If you are interested in better control, your zone as you say, research Tantric Sex.

    After drinking, I often have a hard time orgasming, especially if alone- makes morning sex very nice though ;)

    So much to read, good thoughts in your post and heading to the other article now.

  • Jax

    BTW, you don’t compete with a rabbit. The orgasms are different with toys than with ‘real’ sex. I had a relationship with someone who said that exact statement, trying to compete with 300rpm, MEN need to stop thinking that way. Slow and sensual is something a dildo can’t do ;) Sweet words and touching is something a dildo can’t do.
    Highly recommend the Hitachi wand or the like. Attachments not necessary. Good for sharing too.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Lance

    Jax, totally agree. Toy-sex and real sex is different for chicks, just like watching-porn-sex and real sex is different for dudes. *Good* sex happens primarily in the mind, not the genitals, and there’s simply no way to replicate the intensity without a partner (or two).

    The NYMag article may raise a flag about addiction to porn, but I think it skirts the real issue, which is that of partners disconnecting from each other and loosing sexual attraction. It’s not because of porn and toys.

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