About the Author

Honey's main interests are online dating, long distance dating, and long term relationships. She met her boyfriend on MySpace and they have been exclusive since their first date over three years ago. Currently they live in Tempe, Arizona. Honey graduated with her PhD in Composition and Rhetoric in May 2009. You can contact Honey via email here or online here.

Making the First Move

This is a response to Lance’s post, which can be found here. When I was single, I mainly did the online dating thing. For me, that meant that “making the first move” generally did not consist of asking the guy out. I’d usually send an e-mail (I think winks are for wimps and non-subscribers) and see if he e-mailed me back. Then I’d use what Lance calls “girly telepathy” to get the guy to ask me out. I met my boyfriend on myspace, and it’s pretty representative of what I’m talking about.

In his “who I’d like to meet” section he said something along the lines of interesting, intelligent, creative people. When I found his profile in a burst of procrastinating something-or-other, I sent him a one-line e-mail saying, “Have you found them yet? The interesting, intelligent, creative ones?” He e-mailed me back, and after we’d exchanged about 3 e-mails, he tried to add me as a friend but couldn’t because he didn’t know my last name. He e-mailed me to ask, and I said, “I’m sorry, I only accept friend requests from people I’ve met in person.” He said, “How’s beer on Friday?” That was our first date, and we were exclusive within the week (as in, had the exclusive convo and everything).

Now, I don’t know what I would have done if he hadn’t done that–he moved a week or so later for a 3-month internship, so probably I never would have met him. As it was we were long distance the first three months we dated basically off the strength of a first impression, which was definitely a new experience for both of us. But I am here to tell you that I was very strategic throughout the entire interaction prior to meeting in order to guarantee the outcome that I wanted. Everything, from the one-line initial e-mail to turning down his friend request, was done with a purpose.

As far as the actual topic, have I ever asked the guy out first? Sure. Would I ever do it again? If I was single, sure. And in a relationship, as Lance rightly points out, “Women initiate sex all the time. Girlfriends ask their boyfriends to go to dinner. Women ask men to dance.” Increasingly, once you get past the “courtship/impress each other” phase, the building of attraction becomes mutual. Otherwise, you’d both be bored to tears. However, I think that what EMK might be dancing around is the fact that, according to most standard etiquette guides, whoever asks for the date should be the person to pay. At that point you do have a circumstance that is likely to begin the emasculation process for a lot of guys.

So I’m going to agree with Lance…ask away. Realize, however, that in that situation you should at least offer to pay. If he refuses to let you, then you know his manhood is somehow at stake and let him do it. Also, once you’ve asked him out, then he should be in charge of escalating the interaction to the next level. If he doesn’t do that, then he’s just not that into you. That’s another reason that perhaps EMK said that ladies should send signals and wait–if you don’t demand some initiative out of the guy, then it’s really easy to assume that he really likes you, when really he’s just along for the ride. Don’t worry about that! If he really likes you, he’ll make sure you know.

  • http://honeyandlance.com/contact Lance

    Sweet! That’s some classic chick game you ran there. You opened, built comfort over 3 emails, and induced him to ask you out. You also shit tested him with the last name bit, which is a nice little screening thing. See, chicks run game too. Have you been reading the same things I’ve been reading?

    Your second to last paragraph is gold, and begins an entirely new discussion on attraction in relationships. Mutual attraction and back-and-forth movement is the key.

    In my initial post and comments, the context should be entirely on the first date, and nothing after that. The guy-leading thing is basically a little test to prove he’s a masculine dude. All he has to do is show a fair amount of leadership, aggressiveness, and confidence during the flirting process to pass. The opener and close are negligible in terms of their effect if both parties have passed their respective tests.

  • Waldo

    I’m a guy, and I’ve been asked out on a few dates. One time in particular, I could see that the girl was nervous about asking, so I actually played it up: “Are you asking me out on a date? You going to pick me up and pay for dinner?” Worked like a charm — she picked me up, insisted on paying, and I closed the deal that night.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Lance, you know I don’t read anything except stuff for school–though I’ll start having free time again at the end of the month and would love a reading list!

    Regarding how he and I met, I sent some other guy a clever one-line e-mail the same day. When the other guy e-mailed me back, it was a long pornographic story he’d stolen from some horrible website! So when I got the (future) BF’s e-mail, which was along the lines of, “so I see we have the same favorite book,” I was like, thank God! So you see serendipity played its part, too :-)

  • http://honeyandlance.com/contact Lance

    There you have it. Anything goes!

  • http://www.theseductionbible.com Bobby Rio

    “That was our first date, and we were exclusive within the week (as in, had the exclusive convo and everything).”

    Damn you move super fast huh? I’m glad it worked out for you!

    i would be running for the hills if “the conversation” was brought up that early..

    although there was that girl in Brazil who I was telling her i love her after a week… but that was vacation and a drastic sense of urgeny… and she was a the lay of a lifetime :)

    Bobby Rio’s last blog post..Keep Your Phone Clean

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Bobby, I was the queen of one-date wonders prior to that! My friends thought I was a complete committment-phobe who’d never give anyone more than a third date. I believe I’d described my ideal relationship as one where you saw the other person once a week.

    Just goes to show you, things don’t always happen the way you envision! I’m glad that I took a chance on him…it wasn’t super high stakes at the time. He wanted me to come visit him where he was doing his internship over the summer, and I said that I wasn’t going to fly all over the place to meet up with him if he was banging other chicks during the week. He said okay–he’s kind of a serial monogamist anyway, so I think it was more his style than casual dating. I was the one who was acting out of character!

  • http://www.phantasmagoricdreams.com Becca aka Chaotic Kitten

    I met my BF online. Our relationship is complicated by the fact that he has Asperger’s syndrome. Social interactions are, to say the least, a little difficult for him. We’ve been together for 7 months so far, and we’re really close, and there’s still times where he clams up with me and won’t talk about things. Or, for some reason he decides not to answer an email or something. So, I basically have to take the lead. It doesn’t bother me. I know he loves me, and I wouldn’t trade him for the world, even if he’s only told me he loves me maybe 10 times since we’ve been together.

    Becca aka Chaotic Kitten’s last blog post..This Love

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    My BF didn’t tell me he loved me until we’d been dating 6 or 7 months in the first place, so yours is ahead of mine, at least at this stage!

    Honey’s last blog post..Drumroll Please?Our Kickass Contest Winners!

  • http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com Hot Alpha Female

    I dont know why some chicks are so focused on getting the whole relationship process to go so dam fast neways.

    Isn’t it just nice to go with the flow and let the guy set the pace.

    There is way less thinking on your behalf that way! lol

    HAF

    Hot Alpha Female’s last blog post..If You Look Up To Me Then I’ll Look Down On You

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