Lousy Dating Success Secrets Debunked


Well, I’ve really got my dander up. I can’t stand bullshitty dating advice, and I REALLY can’t stand bullshitty dating advice featured on massive mainstream websites that suck in hundreds of thousands of visitors. It’s just not a good thing. See here for what I’m talking about.

Apparently, the geniuses at Happen Magazine asked for reader submissions on dating success strategies. Okay, fine. I’m sure they got a bunch of good lines, but why publish these? Some of these suck. Perpetuates old myths and steroetypes. I consider it my duty to review and debunk. Since they don’t have a commenting feature on MSN Match, I’m writing a post about it. Feel free to flame me for my horribly biased and near-scurrilous opinions.

Here’s what pissed me off:

“I never kiss a woman before the third date. The reason: To add a little mystery to me, to keep her on her toes and wondering, ‘When is he gonna kiss me?’ Most guys are looking for ‘the score’ from the moment the woman opens the door and women have come to expect this. By holding out, I’ve found that it sets me apart from all of their other dates.”

You, sir, are a massive chode. Do you actually ever have sex, or just pretend to? Dude, you’re not being mysterious by not kissing her. You being asexual. “Friends Zone.” Chump. If you want to be unique, try doing something different on your first date instead of buying her dinner. Flirt. Have fun. Make out. Impress her with your personality, not by castrating yourself.

“I always open and close the car door for a date if I’m driving, and escort her arm in arm. I like to show women that not every guy has forgotten how to show some old-school class.”

I went back and forth on this one because I like the idea of “old school class,” (images of Clooney) but the whiff of supplicating chode is fairly strong here. I’m all about walking arm-in-arm with a date down the street, sure, but MAKE SURE you’re not pouring it on in order to impress. No one likes a guy who is try hard. For me, this falls in the same category as buying flowers on the first date.

“I always thank my date after we part with a nice thank-you email or call. I stick with it since it shows that the get-together was not just some one-time event, but a connection or relating of two people, even if it doesn’t go further.”

He’s on the right track, but like an old cheese, there’s a bit of chodey-ness around the edges. Don’t be TOO considerate and don’t get all gushy. Follow-up emails and texts are good, and even required to maintain the work you did during the actual date. I’m a big fan of a text that says, “Had a great time, you’re a sexy gal,” something along those lines. Shows you’re considerate, fun, chill, and maintains the sexual frame. You’re also not ASKING for anything, you’re just making a statement.

“My rule is to not give out too much information about myself on a first date. It leaves a little mystery and the guy wants to come back to find out exactly what I’m hiding.”

What are you hiding? The clap? I’m not going to interview you on the first date, so you don’t have to worry about it. If you’re flirting properly, there won’t be a whole lot of background info being exchanged. Also, guys aren’t attracted to mysterious women. With guy logic, mystery chick equals psychobitch, crazy depressed chick, or cold-hearted sexless ice queen.

“I have a three-strikes rule: If a guy misses three consecutive opportunities to do or say something gentlemanly, it’s over.”

I think I just threw up in my mouth. I’m not buying you dinner. I’m not kissing your ass. If I like you, I will try to makeout with you. Next.

“I do not call guys until we’re dating exclusively. I let him take the initiative.”

You’re not that hot, so yes, you do call guys. You probably text, email, and IM also. Get over yourself.

“I will usually never call the date the next day. I think you have to wait a day or two to build some anticipation.”

Cool, you saw Swingers too, huh? Don’t forget to buy flowers for your date. There are no rules for calling. If you’ve built the attraction properly, you can call now, in an hour, tomorrow morning, or whenever. Did you hook up with her the previous evening? Give her a call the next day.

“I always make sure that I listen to everything she says very carefully. They’re always impressed when I remember details about our conversations.”

This guy is on to something, just for completely the wrong reason. Don’t impress her with your memory. That’s not what she’s going to gab with her friends about on the phone later. You want those details so you calibrate and adjust your game plan as the date is progressing. It also helps you pick up other conversational threads if things get slow.

Here’s what I liked:

“I always try to wear a skirt on the first date.”

Check. No problems there. Rawr.

“I make it a policy to not meet someone for more than one hour for the first time: a drink or a cup of coffee. I have done lunch, but not often. That way, neither of us is stuck if we aren’t clicking.”

This is actually a great policy. If you’re a busy professional, or in the habit of dating a lot, and by a lot I mean 2-3 per week, the one hour rule is gold. Keep it short and sweet and see how well you vibe. If it’s good, set up a day 2 for later. If it sucks, peace out.

“I never mention exes.”

Absolutely essential in the context of a 1st date…or 2nd or 3rd. Avoid mention of past history like the superflu. If she brings it up, duck and dodge. Talking about exes absolutely kills attraction.

  • http://cheekiebacktalk.blogspot.com cheekie

    Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

    And bloody funny…

  • http://modite.com/blog Rebecca

    Your commentary made me laugh. You remind me a lot of one of my friends. Looking foward to future posts.

    Rebecca’s last blog post..A river runs through it

  • Waldo

    I agree completely Lance, with one exception — I never call the next day. I will usually text to say I had a good time, but I will not compliment her.

  • http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com Hot Alpha Female

    Hey lance,
    I really feel sorry for all those poor people that read that advice this magazine was giving and went out into the dating world and applied it .. got their assed kicked .. and wondered what in hell went wrong.

    Those are by far some of the wussiest answers I have seen and im sure the person that was writing them, thought they would work out in a hypothetical situation.

    In regards to the comment about a chick being mysterious, I think I kind of knew where they were coming from there.

    I think they were meaning to say, that when its your first date, you don’t skill your guts on anything and everything about you.

    Like if I went on a date with a guy and at the end of it I knew like everything about him … I probably would have lost interest or not have been as interested in him … unless of course he had an amazing personality.

    But none the less, I think a little mystery cant hurt anyone.

    Hot Alpha Female

    Hot Alpha Female’s last blog post..Why Smiling Will Get Them Dialing

  • SpeakTruth

    Great post man, cracked me up!