I ain’t gonna lie. I love fuck buddies. I think it’s the best thing since sliced bread.
I look around and I see variations of the FB relationship EVERYWHERE…it’s a commonplace thing. I first heard the term in college and realized that everybody was doing it. If you weren’t embroiled in a serious relationship, you were getting laid, and your partner was basically a fuck buddy.
(Excuse me. Would either of you like to be my fuck buddy?)
After college, I kept seeing FB partnerships in the professional world, but in more sophisticated forms. Now all my single friends were working within certain FB rules and structures. No publics displays of affection. No hanky-panky more than once per week. No spending the night. No phone calls during the week. No dinner dates. Don’t talk about the relationship. Etc. If you want to see a good list of FB rules, check here.
Like any relationship type, the FB has positives and negatives. You can read a list of negatives in Lisa Quirke’s post here. The primary negative I see, and I agree with Lisa on this one, is that one or the other may form an emotional attachment that bungles up the original friendship. This occurs if either one of the partners isn’t ready emotionally to handle “casual sex.” I’m not buying the theory that hormones cause the problems though…we’re adults and we can handle our hormones. We can should be able to handle casual sex, especially if we’ve agreed on the rules and know what we’re getting into.
Another negative, or a positive depending on your perspective, is that the FB is a very capricious relationship. One month you’ve got four straight weekends of sex, the next three months your buddy is off–gasp!–dating someone. And there’s little to no warning. Don’t let that screw with your head. If you’re maintaining an abundance mentality and have other choices, you’ll take those swings in stride. My advice here is to get 2-3 FB’s and just cycle them.
Say Yes to FB’s
From my perspective, the benefits of the FB outweigh the negatives. Most obviously are the benefits of sexual fulfillment and convenience. Not to be scoffed at is the companionship and intimacy. I’m also a big fan of safe fornication just for the sake of gaining sexual experience. This is especially critical for younger folks, guys and girls in their 20’s, who just don’t know what they’re doing in the bedroom. Don’t know how to please a woman? Have sucky blowjob skills? Get yourself a fuck buddy . This will increase your bedroom skills in a hurry. It’ll also make you more sexually confident.
This Girl Needs a FB
I have a gal pal who recently scored a gig as an officer of a tech company. She’s single and attractive. She wants to have sex, but she doesn’t have time to take on a relationship. What is our young hottie to do? I’ll tell you what. She is going to get one of her male friends, after a couple of cocktails on Friday evening, to take her home and give it to her six ways till Sunday. This could be an ex-boyfriend who is currently single, or maybe a guy friend who she just finds attractive. They set the ground rules and it’s off to the boinking. The alternative is a one-night stand with a stranger, which is, obviously, much riskier.
Inicidentally, in the above example, I think it’s the guy’s job to boink the girl, even if he kind of doesn’t want to. If you don’t boink her, you better be a) a major player with a full schedule, or b) gay.
People, we’ve got other things going on in our lives. Big Important Things: Dreams, Aspirations, and Ambitions. We’re trying to get ahead. Sexual fulfillment and the “search for love” shouldn’t hold us back. If you’re in a phase where you don’t have the time to develop a relationship, then the FB is reasonable game to play.
Call A Spade A Space
When I read articles about the fuck buddy system, the authors always diss the FB’s for the same reasons. The stress. The capriciousness. The neediness problem. Feelings get hurt. Well guess what? ALL relationships have these issues. Every relationship causes a certain degree of stress and has the potential to hurt your feelings. Ever try dating as a way to get laid? Stressful. Uncertain. Frustrating. You’ve got the exact same issues. I’ll even go one step further…get ready for it.
Many married couples are fuck buddies, and some of them are more buddy than they are fuck. Ever met a married couple that had no romance whatsoever in their marriage? How about a married couple who’s sex life was a source of uncertainty and frustration? Rhetorical questions. The fact is, most marrieds have a lousy sex life. Many marrieds are not even attracted to each other (although they may be companionable). Many marrieds get married in the first place because they started fucking, only to find out later they’re a terrible match. Whoops! Many marrieds realize they’re a terrible match and stay together anyway, making them no-romance companions who happen to fuck occasionally. What’s worse, the fuck buddy system or a shitty marriage?
The FB system is brutally honest, totally unromantic, and mostly functional. It’s can also be a better, smarter alternative to dating, relationships, and bad marriages. You’ve just got to call a spade a spade and be cool with the fact that the person you’re fucking is only good for two things: sex and friendship. Nothing more.
Here are two solid articles on the subject:
New York Times – Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Seattle Times – Friends With Benefits. Buddies. Booty Calls. Is this what dating has become?
(Clearly, we can’t have a relationship. Fuck buddy?)