Lance’s Take: Yes! to Friends With Benefits

I ain’t gonna lie. I love fuck buddies. I think it’s the best thing since sliced bread.

I look around and I see variations of the FB relationship EVERYWHERE…it’s a commonplace thing. I first heard the term in college and realized that everybody was doing it. If you weren’t embroiled in a serious relationship, you were getting laid, and your partner was basically a fuck buddy.


(Excuse me. Would either of you like to be my fuck buddy?)

After college, I kept seeing FB partnerships in the professional world, but in more sophisticated forms. Now all my single friends were working within certain FB rules and structures. No publics displays of affection. No hanky-panky more than once per week. No spending the night. No phone calls during the week. No dinner dates. Don’t talk about the relationship. Etc. If you want to see a good list of FB rules, check here.

Like any relationship type, the FB has positives and negatives. You can read a list of negatives in Lisa Quirke’s post here. The primary negative I see, and I agree with Lisa on this one, is that one or the other may form an emotional attachment that bungles up the original friendship. This occurs if either one of the partners isn’t ready emotionally to handle “casual sex.” I’m not buying the theory that hormones cause the problems though…we’re adults and we can handle our hormones. We can should be able to handle casual sex, especially if we’ve agreed on the rules and know what we’re getting into.

Another negative, or a positive depending on your perspective, is that the FB is a very capricious relationship. One month you’ve got four straight weekends of sex, the next three months your buddy is off–gasp!–dating someone. And there’s little to no warning. Don’t let that screw with your head. If you’re maintaining an abundance mentality and have other choices, you’ll take those swings in stride. My advice here is to get 2-3 FB’s and just cycle them.

Say Yes to FB’s

From my perspective, the benefits of the FB outweigh the negatives. Most obviously are the benefits of sexual fulfillment and convenience. Not to be scoffed at is the companionship and intimacy. I’m also a big fan of safe fornication just for the sake of gaining sexual experience. This is especially critical for younger folks, guys and girls in their 20’s, who just don’t know what they’re doing in the bedroom. Don’t know how to please a woman? Have sucky blowjob skills? Get yourself a fuck buddy . This will increase your bedroom skills in a hurry. It’ll also make you more sexually confident.

This Girl Needs a FB

I have a gal pal who recently scored a gig as an officer of a tech company. She’s single and attractive. She wants to have sex, but she doesn’t have time to take on a relationship. What is our young hottie to do? I’ll tell you what. She is going to get one of her male friends, after a couple of cocktails on Friday evening, to take her home and give it to her six ways till Sunday. This could be an ex-boyfriend who is currently single, or maybe a guy friend who she just finds attractive. They set the ground rules and it’s off to the boinking. The alternative is a one-night stand with a stranger, which is, obviously, much riskier.

Inicidentally, in the above example, I think it’s the guy’s job to boink the girl, even if he kind of doesn’t want to. If you don’t boink her, you better be a) a major player with a full schedule, or b) gay.

People, we’ve got other things going on in our lives. Big Important Things: Dreams, Aspirations, and Ambitions. We’re trying to get ahead. Sexual fulfillment and the “search for love” shouldn’t hold us back. If you’re in a phase where you don’t have the time to develop a relationship, then the FB is reasonable game to play.

Call A Spade A Space

When I read articles about the fuck buddy system, the authors always diss the FB’s for the same reasons. The stress. The capriciousness. The neediness problem. Feelings get hurt. Well guess what? ALL relationships have these issues. Every relationship causes a certain degree of stress and has the potential to hurt your feelings. Ever try dating as a way to get laid? Stressful. Uncertain. Frustrating. You’ve got the exact same issues. I’ll even go one step further…get ready for it.

Many married couples are fuck buddies, and some of them are more buddy than they are fuck. Ever met a married couple that had no romance whatsoever in their marriage? How about a married couple who’s sex life was a source of uncertainty and frustration? Rhetorical questions. The fact is, most marrieds have a lousy sex life. Many marrieds are not even attracted to each other (although they may be companionable). Many marrieds get married in the first place because they started fucking, only to find out later they’re a terrible match. Whoops! Many marrieds realize they’re a terrible match and stay together anyway, making them no-romance companions who happen to fuck occasionally. What’s worse, the fuck buddy system or a shitty marriage?

Lance’s Conclusion

The FB system is brutally honest, totally unromantic, and mostly functional. It’s can also be a better, smarter alternative to dating, relationships, and bad marriages. You’ve just got to call a spade a spade and be cool with the fact that the person you’re fucking is only good for two things: sex and friendship. Nothing more.

Here are two solid articles on the subject:

New York Times – Friends With Benefits, and Stress Too
Seattle Times – Friends With Benefits. Buddies. Booty Calls. Is this what dating has become?


(Clearly, we can’t have a relationship. Fuck buddy?)

  • Hot Alpha Female

    “FB system is brutally honest, totally unromantic, and mostly functional”

    See lance I just think that you summed up the whole F buddy thing right there.

    Need I say more?

    I would only recommend it .. if you are emotionally retarded in the head and need some sexual therapy to take your mind off it.

    Your most likely to fall into this category if you got out a really committed relationship that went sour, clingy and spastic and need some casual and meaningless, no strings attached sex to numb the pain.

    Also helps during transitional periods.

    So personally not really an advocate of them. Don’t really think that they do anything beneficial for you .. besides the sex part.

    But hey … each to their own.

    Hot Alpha Female

    Hot Alpha Female’s last blog post..Turning The Average Joe Into A Hero – The Art of Picking UP!

  • Lance

    HAF, thanks for commenting. Don’t mistake honesty and a lack of romance for a lack of affection and a strong emotional connection. I probably should have emphasized that more. Many FB’s are very affectionate, they’re just selectively affectionate, and they’re not up in each other’s stuff all the time.

    I’ve got a great personal FB example. I’ve got a FB right now. She’s moving to Italy in April for a year. We’re attracted to each other, but because of the impending logistical situation we’re only doing a FB thing. We’re not dating. We’re not going to be gf-bf. We’re not going to get married. We hang out once per week and enjoy each other’s company. The alternative for her is to abstain…but why? The sex is safe and it’s good and there’s not going to be any crazy emotional drama, so it works.

  • Hot Alpha Female

    Hey lance,
    “Selectively affectionate” I love that that – that’s prolly the nicest way of putting it.

    I kind get your style very laid back and no drama. I think that makes your life that little bit easier, especially. with the multiple girls that you juggle.

    I understand where your coming from for sure. And hey if you are upfront with the girl and she knows what she is getting herself into. Then I guess its perfectly fine for the both of you.

    I do disagree with those guys that lead girls on though. Maybe they were upfront at the beginning of what not. But the truth of the matter is, that some girls are idiots and fall into this trap .. of thinking that there FB will turn out the be their boyfriend.

    All I can say is FB are short term and they never really progress to be more than that.

    Hot Alpha Female

    Hot Alpha Female’s last blog post..Turning The Average Joe Into A Hero – The Art of Picking UP!

  • Lilly

    So, HAF, what exactly do you mean by being upfront with the girl? What do you do? Bang her and then tell her you bang other women before she leaves? When, how, and, most importantly, why do you bring this up? Aren’t relationships a woman’s realm and us men are just kind of in your world? I mean I wouldn’t expect a woman to command any type of sports team because that’s just simply not her realm. (I sense some pretty serious discussions possibly ensuing here…) I was with a girl and she got pissed because we saw each other once a week, maybe twice, and then I went on a date with another girl. We never discussed anything and she was even leaving in a few weeks to go out of town for a month. I ditched her because of that.

  • Hot Alpha Female

    Yes well thats why i dont really like the whole freinds with benefits thing, because it always end up being complicated.

    What i was refering to when i said to be upfront, i was refering to what Lance said aswell.

    His FB’s know that they are FB’s and nothing more. He’s not leading them on .. to think that they are going to have a more serious relationship. Each person knows where they stand.

    Thats what i meant.

    That girl prolly got pissed because she was expecting more from you. In her mind you were semi exclusive or whatever.

    Or maybe she got pissed because she didnt have anyone else to take on a date ….

    Hot Alpha Female

    Hot Alpha Female’s last blog post..Sleek vs Geek – Is There Middle Ground?

  • cheekie

    Hmmm. Interesting.
    My FB and I were friends first, so discussing parameters was easy and natural. And they have to be discussed, that is a mandatory thing.
    Have a couple of drinks with potential FB, loosen up if need be, then laugh about it, be cool about it. Be honest about it.
    That’s why the FB thing really only works with friends, or if the girl approaches the guy about it. I think unfortunately for you men, if you do the proposing of this it just appears slimy and can tread on some thin thin ice. Very delicate mission there sparky so unless you are sure she’s into just a casual thing, maybe hint at it, but be cool!
    It would be easy for a friend of yours to get ‘ideas’ if you are too intense about it. (ideas meaning relationship potential)
    It is better if it is someone you already know, who ‘gets’ you…

    I wish women would get over the guilt-victim thing on casual sex sometimes, it drives me nuts.
    We are allowed to be sexual, we don’t have to support the morals for an entire gender, and it doesn’t make you a slut….now if the entire team is your FB then maybe…but to me a slut is a tease, not someone who enjoys sex.

  • Lance

    I totally agree with you, your comment on the FB thing is gold. I’m big on stamping out the guilt-victim thing also.

  • Jd

    This is pretty degrading. To treat another human being as a piece Of meat without emotions. It’s also a symptom of a greater problem. Your advice is to 2-3 and “cycle them.” that doesn’t seem fun it’s promiscuous. Having sex without respect/emotions is what animas do. Thought we were human beings capable of compassion. The things people will do in the name of hormones is astonishing. We treat sex like such a dirty thing. We claim as Americans we’re so sexually liberated yet we describe sex with using profane words “fuck” as if it’s dirty/bad. Americans are amongst the most promiscuous and sexually immoral. Just because your upfront about intentions doesn’t make it olkay. That’s like telling a bank your going to rob them before doing but. At the end of the day this is a “relationship” where another human being isn’t being valued as a person but as an object. Giving disclaimers makes it honest but not good/right.

    Men are supposed to be fathers, “love”rs, brothers, sons not animals two don’t want to value women and act purely on hormone.

    You can have sex for someone but not hold hands, give affection whatever happened to the compassion for others we as human being are capable of giving. This behavior is borderline harlotry.