Killer Technique For Identifying Sexual Compatibility

Howdy Sex Panthers!

Lately I’ve been talking about sexual compatibility and we have a roundtable in the works on the very subject. This post is my kickoff entry.

I’ve established that sexual compatibility is super important in a relationship, so when I’m dating, I want to know as soon as possible if I’m sexually compatible with a woman. Ideally, I would get this information within the first hour or two of a first date, but occasionally I can establish sexual compatibility prior to the first date, like in the email stages. I believe this is something that most people skip over or assume will work itself out during the relationship building process, which is a huge mistake. It’s often too late when you find out if you really connect in the bedroom and this leads to all sorts of problems, not the least of which is an unfulfilling sex life.

What I use is a simple conversational ladder technique to get from point A to point Z, where point A is “hello” and point Z is talking about the nitty gritty of knocking boots. Convo ladders are an often used tactic in pickup and anybody can take advantage of this fun and easy technique.

Here Are 4 Easy Steps

1. Open with funny stories about online dating. “So, what online dating horror stories do you have? Anything totally crazy? Have you met any weirdos?” Obviously, this works best if the date originated from an online dating site, but you can also go with regular dating stories. EVERYONE has crazy stories if they’ve done online dating.

2. Tell a story of your own and introduce a sexual frame. Queue up a great story of your own as a response and include a sexual element to it. I have several:

  1. I Got A World Beating Hummer And Then Pulled A Muscle To My Right Nut
  2. WTF!? She Stole My Watch!
  3. I Woke Up Next To Two Dogs, A Cat, And A Hot Chick

I also tell stories from my high school days and these always go over well.

3. Share stores back and forth, escalating each time. Sometimes it takes a couple of rounds, sometimes it takes only one. 90% of the time, your date will follow suit and include a sexual component also. This will give you a gauge on the person’s comfort level talking about sex. If your date buys into the sexual frame, then go to the last step.

4. Ask about sexual values and compatibility. You could ask directly, “So, what do you value in an intimate partner? How do you know you’re compatible with someone?” OR you can go indirect and do a values illicitation:

“Do you consider yourself adventurous?” “Wow, you strike me as being super kinky, is that true?” and prompt your date to expand.

BOOM. That’s it! Once you’ve established the sexual frame and swap stories for a bit, you can flat out ask someone about their sexual values and style. Not only is this easy and painless, it’s also a hell of a lot of FUN. I mean, who doesn’t like talking about crazy sex stories?

Now you’re talking about stuff that *really* matters in a potential relationship, such as how good you are in the sack and what kind of companion you are. It’s all out on the table and you can make good decisions moving forward.

Go forth and bang with abandon, ye beasts of pleasure!

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention this one thing. If you really want to know if you’re sexually compatible with someone, sleeping with them will also do the trick 😉

Early returns are in! First posts in the roundtable published today:


  • Christina

    I like this. What I like most is that you explain how to build up to this talk. In my online dating experiences, there were WAY too many guys who asked about my sexual preferences in the first or second e-mail and before we had a chance to talk about anything else. It gave the distinct impression that they were interested in only one thing (maybe they were) and it was a real turn-off.

    Even those women who aren’t prudes want to be regarded as something besides a sex object. At the same time, we don’t want to waste a bunch of time, only to find out we’re not sexually compatible. I think you’ve shown how to have this important discussion without coming across as a complete horndog. 😛

  • T

    The only downside to this, in what would be my case at least, is that I don’t really feel comfortable talking about sex with a guy until I’ve decided whether or not I want to sleep with him. When it comes to online dating, this means until I meet him, basically so that when we meet he hasn’t built up the assumption that we’re going to fuck.
    So, while I know this method would work on me in person (where it takes all of… oh, a few minutes to decide) I think that the internet is too full of guys wanting to jack off on camera and women who are sick of it to fairly judge if a woman is prudish about it or not.

  • m

    What T said. There are dating coaches who really insist that getting into something that personal online — especially early on — is completely inappropriate.

    This really seems to me to be yet another instance of men pushing and pushing a woman’s boundaries to get as close to what they want as possible, with no thought whatsoever as to the woman’s comfort level. That’s not a man it seems like a sensible, sane woman would want to date.

  • Lance

    m, thanks for commenting. The thing about this technique is it does not force any conversation or push boundaries. You only escalate when your partner responds in kind, and if he/she doesn’t respond, that puts the brakes on it. It flows naturally. Besides, who doesn’t like talking about sex??

  • Bella

    I don’t like talking about sex myself..but I kinda like to read about others and don’t mind a porn flick.