Keep Things Fresh In The Bedroom: Imitate Porn (NSFW)

So I was thinking the other day that since my girlfriend is vanilla as Breyers, I masturbate a ton more than I normally would if I was in a proper relationship with ridiculously good sex. Usually when I flog the dolphin, I’ll fire up the laptop and go to one of my favorite porn sites. These include: xhamster.com, redtube.com, pornhub.com, and tube8.com. This is really the only way I can get through my super boring actual sex life, unless of course I cheat on my girlfriend and have a ONS with a random chick. (Note, NSFW video after the jump).

Sidebar: If you don’t watch a lot of Internet porn, these sites are great. They’re totally FREE and no sketchy downloading bullshit. You simply click on a video and start watching, just like YouTube. There’s no virii and, besides some annoying pop-up windows, no danger to your computer. Everything is user rated (one to five stars) and commented on, you can do searches on your favorite festishes, and there are literally thousands of videos, with dozens added each day. It’s completely absurd. The days of trolling torrents to find a decent video without a virus are totally over. The other great thing about these sites is you can consume many videos in a short amount of time. Most of the vids are less than 10 minutes and I will usually have 2-3 going simultaneously for maximum absorption.

So, since I’ve been watching a lot more porn lately, I’ve noticed that my bedroom game has improved. I’m trying more cool moves and chaining together moves to create what I call “scenes.” Scenes are basically multiple moves and ways of screwing that make an interesting and unique sex scene, sort of like you’d see in a porn video. My dirty talk is increasing in range also.

Here’s an example of something I tried the other day:

1. She started off by blowing my cock with me pulling her hair pretty tight.

2. I dirty talked that I was going to blow my load and that she was going to swallow it, which got her excited.

3. I didn’t blow my load, and instead put her in a girl-on-top position where she was basically kneeling on my cock with feet flat. I had to sort of support her by holding her ass while she was perched on my dong. I looked this one up and apparently the position is called Asian Cowgirl (see below), although the variation we tried had her arms behind her instead of on my chest…

Courtesy of SexInfo101.com.

4. Nailed her from behind in front of a big mirror with her ass angled up in the air and arms held behind her back. Pretty hot.

5. Flipped her over, kneeled over her head at an angle and “fed” her my cock while I fingered her. Also had her play with herself. This seemed to get her pretty excited although she was weirded out somewhat by the position.

6. Kept doing #5 above until she came, which took forever.

7. Fucked her missionary with her legs up in the air until just before I popped.

8. Pulled out and blew a huge Ron Jeremy manload into her mouth for the grand finale. Ridiculous orgasm from me.

That whole little scene basically came from two porn vids I watched on xhamster earlier in the week that I thought was super cool and worth trying. I mean, there wasn’t anything there super far-out, but the sequence and the moves had just enough variation to be unique for us.

What’s the moral of the story? Watch more porn to improve your bedroom game! Seriously, though, for the guys out there I really do recommend watching a shitload of porn and searching around and identifying stuff that looks cool and turns you on. Build up a database of moves, scenes, lines, and full-on fantasies that you can bring into your own sex life. I recommend doing this *without* your partner because you won’t be self-conscious about the porn you pick (“Wait, why did you pick the one with the teenage redhead gangbang?”) and you can surprise your partners with the new stuff you learn. The more you watch, you more you identify what your fetishes are and the more you can embrace who you are sexually.

Lastly, when trying new stuff, be bold and assertive and just go for it. Don’t ask to try a new move or scene, just execute the moves, dominate verbally, and own that shit. It’ll get her super hot.

What are you doing, reading, or trying to get better in the sack? Leave in comments.

  • http://www.mysecrethobby.blogspot.com kiera

    I love this post! I have a few things to touch on.

    #1. How can you forget my all-time favourite porn site: Pornhub! It’s categorized and tagged like mad.

    #2. I wouldn’t say this is just for the guys — I think girls can find watching porn beneficial too. You can collect a portfolio of tricks and roles (sub, dom, filthy whore, etc).

    #3. I’m of the mindset that men should always “just go for it”! Being assertive, bold and dominant is what being a man is.
    .-= kiera´s last blog …DEFCON 3 =-.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Lance

    Pornhub added. I’ve only been on there once or twice before so totally forgot about it.

    I agree women can benefit from watching porn. Almost all porn is made by men for men, but if you ladies can extract some cool stuff to add to your bedroom game, more power to you.

  • Jax

    It’s hard to think one might need more than what redtube offers, but I find the fuckingmachines sites interesting. The entire site is pretty intricate, the technology, the new machines they come up with. I watched a documentary on it once… “HEY MOM, I got a job at fuckingmachines” came to mind while watching it. ha!

    Sounds like you are taking Heather to new heights sexually, maybe she will grow to your level soon.

  • terri

    patience. it eventually shows up.

  • terri

    “Lastly, when trying new stuff, be bold and assertive and just go for it. Don’t ask to try a new move or scene, just execute the moves, dominate verbally, and own that shit. It’ll get her super hot.”

    You’re joking, right? Yeah, don’t tell her you’re about to stick your penis back in her vagina after you’ve had it in her rectum…just own that shit. It’ll be sooo welcome. Go ahead, hold her nose while you’re shoving her face onto you until she pukes. Nothing says “I love you” like vomit.

    Seriously, this is the vilest posting I’ve read yet here (and a new low for “Lance”). I’m not a prude, I have nothing against porn–but it’s _masturbation_ material, not a textbook. What two people do together when they’re passionate is a dance, it’s not a “scene” that one person directs. Intentional s/m aside, do you _really_ want to ignore your partner’s imagination and willingness to please just so you can show off your “new move”? That’s nothing more than masturbation with someone else in the room.

    Actually, I’ll amend the “nothing against porn” statement. I do think it can be desensitizing. There was a comment on another thread, with a reference, about a study that found that men who watch a lot of porn have difficulty forming real relationships. Duh.

    Once again, “Lance”, you’ve limned the squalid, juvenile depths of the male “playa”. How old are you?

  • Shannon

    Is this something he actually meant/suggested (I see no such thing above), or are you basing this interpretation based on something projected from *your* own imagination? I think there’s a strong difference between being aggressive / switching a position in bed, versus doing something unsanitary/vile.

  • terri

    It’s not a matter of whether or not “Lance” literally suggested these acts. This isn’t a critique of his blow-by-blow (!) “scene” (which enumeration I found pretty funny. Not because anything in it was absurd or vile, but the image of Lance, clipboard on the nightstand, checking off the shopping list. “Ok, just nailed her from behind…check…uhm..oh, right, time to flip her over. Set the egg timer, darling, I’m thinking a good ten minutes!”) but because this was intended as _general_ advice. And as general advice, I think it _is_ vile.

    Just look at the language:

    “flog the dolphin” Maybe it’s just me, but I whenever I hear a guy use a cutesy anthropomorphic euphemism for masturbation I see a 12 year old in his favorite grr-animal pajamas drooling over the bra section in the sears catalog.

    “my bedroom game has improved” Anyone who refers to their sex life as a game is a player. if that’s your thing, fine. Fuck your brains out and spread your disease.

    “basically” No sexual repulsion here. Lance is just a bad writer.

    “blow my load”. Again, maybe it’s just me, but this quasi-violent locution for coming is a redflag.

    “Nailed her from behind” Not even quasi-violent. Full on hateful misogynism.

    “until just before I popped”. More silliness. Pop, blow, explode…it’s a wonder “Lance” hasn’t shredded his penis.

    “blew a huge Ron Jeremy manload into her mouth for the grand finale.” There are so many things that are disturbing in this phrase. But particularly “grand finale”. Note that two steps previously, it “took forever” for him to make her come. That was the only mention of her having an orgasm, and “lance” posed it as a tedious distraction from the denouement of his “script”. Kinda makes you want to get her side of the story. (Lance? How about it?)

    “a shitload of porn”. ‘shitload’ and ‘porn’ are two words that should never be uttered in the same sentence.

    “Build up a database of moves, scenes, lines…” This is where it gets sad and scary. Yeah, I’m _so_ turned on by a guy who doesn’t give a damn about what I’m feeling or how I’m reacting. Someone who is so removed from the moment that he can _remember_ or _think about_ anything other than what we’re sharing. Someone who sees sex not as a fluid, flexible give-and-take, but as a database.

    “I recommend doing this *without* your partner” Yeah, great advice. Don’t share your life with the person that you’re supposed to be intimate with.

    “own that shit”. I’m still just amazed by this one. The constant equation of sex with shit is disturbing. But I think it’s actually worse than that. By “shit” does “lance” mean “game”? I think he thinks he does. What I read is “own that bitch”. And there we have it “woman = bitch = shit”.

  • terri

    “I think there’s a strong difference between being aggressive / switching a position in bed, versus doing something unsanitary/vile.”

    Ok, I’ll back up a bit and answer directly. Yes, I agree, shannon. There’s a huge difference. And that’s the point, although I’ll moderate your terms: “aggressive” has to be negotiated. “Take me” are seductive words, words that I’ve uttered a few times, but only when I meant it…and what I meant was “I trust you and want you; I’m willing to make myself vulnerable and open. I know that this is right and you’ll keep me safe.”

    So, sure, letting go, letting the guy “drive”– no problem there. If he can’t, then fuck it…he’s not a man. But driving has its responsibilities.

    What bothers me is threefold: 1) “Lance” is suggesting that what one sees in freely-available porn videos is a _template_ for real-life sex. No, it’s not. 2) “Lance”‘s language is obscene, hateful, and violent. Read his other posts. 3) There might be guys out there who are actually _encouraged_, who are _reinforced_, by reading this crap, that it’s ok to ignore their partner just as long as they can prove they can “own that shit”.

    Shannon, yes, you’re right. “Lance” didn’t suggest that a fellow should do either of the acts I mentioned in my original post, but…you’d gladly give yourself to a guy who speaks of (or takes advice from someone who speaks of) “nailing” you? If that’s what you want, good luck to you.

  • http://www.mysecrethobby.blogspot.com kiera

    _Wow_ “terri”. Porn can be a template for sex. It’s a fun way to mix it up and if it’s not your cup of tea, fine. Obscene language sure, hateful and violent no. And your Woman = shit equation is ridiculous.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Lance

    Ladies, please relax. You guys are reading way too much into the situation instead of taking the post for what it is intended, which is a possibility for improvement in the bedroom. I respect my gf in the bedroom and I wouldn’t have done any of that stuff if I thought it wouldn’t go over well. Yes, I was in the driver’s seat, and I thought that there was some risk she might not like a few moves, but overall it was a great sexual experience and she loved it. In fact, she told me it was the best sex we’ve had so far. This is coming from a vanilla chick. So nanny nanny boo boo.

    Also, I’ve said before I’m kind of a shitty writer. Sue me.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Lance

    Had to response to #1. A lot of porn is very similar to real life sex. Maybe not the sex you’re having, but absolutely it’s close to real stuff. I’m not talking about orgy porn (which is real, also) or animal porn or any of that. I’m talking about really hot, really wild partner sex. Plenty of people are having it, and if you’re not, you’re vanilla and you’re scared of sex.

  • Jennifer

    BUT: porn = made for being watched
    real life sex = for the enjoyment of those doing it

    am I missing something here?

  • http://ashysexykatiedid.blogspot.com Kate

    I am fairly new to this blog, but I’ve perused the wares enough to think that you’ve taken him out of context.

    Porn IS an amazing learning tool. Yes, of course some women aren’t into some activities, but that’s where communication comes in to play. A man may bring out something you don’t like once in awhile, but what about all those tricks that DO make your toes curl?

    I watch porn almost daily, and my man and I often turn it on whenever he’s nailing me from behind and blowing his load on me ;-)
    .-= Kate´s last blog …Sex Blogs I Read &amp Love =-.

  • terri

    “I’m not talking about orgy porn or animal porn or any of that. Plenty of people are having it, and if you’re not, you’re vanilla and you’re scared of sex.”

    What’s wrong with orgy porn? Plenty of people watch it (I do), and if you’re not, then you’re vanilla and scared of sex.

    It’s so easy to raise the stakes in an anonymous forum by calling other people names while completely ignoring the argument. So, sure, “Lance”, go ahead and call me a frigid bitch because I don’t agree with you. I think you just violated your own “are you a douchebag?” rule #3. Don’t rag on women that won’t have sex with you.

    And, yes, I called you names, too…but at least I had the temerity and articulation (and wit) to explain my position.

    What have you got? And, no, I don’t want to see it.

  • terri

    You’re making this way too easy…

    “Ladies, please relax.” I assume I don’t have to explain how insulting this is. We’re probably all just PMSy, right “Lance”?

    “You guys are reading way too much into the situation instead of taking the post for what it is intended” This is an open, public blog. You’ve invited comments. You _explictly_ asked for comments (“Leave in comments”). And now you’re saying that you don’t want them? I was absolutely not misinterpreting what you were saying, nor did I twist it in another direction, so don’t you fucking dare reduce my posts to a misunderstanding. Sure, I was strong and forceful…does that scare you?

    “In fact, she told me it was the best sex we’ve had so far. This is coming from a vanilla chick. So nanny nanny boo boo.” Good on ya. You had great sex. So what? That you would taunt me because you had amazing sex…that’s kind of sick. Oh, right. I’m a frigid bitch. With PMS. I deserve it.

    “Also, I’ve said before I’m kind of a shitty writer. Sue me.” Ah, the last resort of the defeated. This is the equivalent of upsetting the checkerboard and storming out of the room. If you’re a shitty writer, why are you writing? You’re trying to impart advice, backed up with examples and demonstrations, to your ravenous throng…and now you admit that you’re not eqipped for that task?

    Words are powerful, they have meaning, they signify, and they can enflame. When you say things like “own that shit”, someone out there might actually take you seriously (to the extent that the statement can be taken seriously)..and, kiera, the woman = shit transposition isn’t “ridiculous”. Anyone who refers to sex as “shit” should be questioned.

    “Lance”, the language you use is violent, misogynistic, and utterly unarousing. You’ve claimed, in another thread (in an answer to one of posts), that “wit” turns you on. But you use juvenile, boring tropes when you type; you can’t rise to defend your position; you don’t engage and parry. You’re _not_ witty.

    I’m not questioning your libido or your capacity to please. I’m sure you’re every bit the sexual gourmand you claim to be. But I do question your discretion and taste.

    I await your reply. All shaved and dripping wet.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Lance

    Well Teri, here’s the deal…wait a second. Are you hitting on me!? You’re just ball busting me because you want to make sure I’m alpha, right? That’s kind of hot. I’m not sure what a sexual gourmand is but that sounds sort of like a compliment. Are you really shaved??

  • terri

    Of course. I saw it in a porno.

  • terri

    Kate, I just now saw your response to an earlier post (of mine). Your light-hearted use of the “vile” phrases was amusing and made its point, although there is a difference between your quotations and lance’s usage.

    The proposed thesis, here, is that if you’re sexual, you should use porn as a way to expand your vocabulary. I think the actual point of the article was to give Lance an excuse to chronicle his prowess.

    But let’s take him at his word, ignore the sex scene, and consider the porn-as-instruction advice. You say that porn is a “template for sex”. What do you mean? I watch porn. I’ve seen things I’d never do, or have done to me, and I switch channels immediately. Holding a woman’s nose and shoving a cock down her throat until she gags? No thank you.

    The acts that arouse are those that I _identify_ with, that I’ve done. I think you have it backwards. Sex is a template for porn.

    I think Lance has it wrong. Porn is a tool for getting off; it’s not a textbook. Actual, in-person sex should involve the imaginations and curiosities of two people (or more, if that’s what you’re into) who, when it’s really really good, can’t even think. They just are, and they’re perfect together. _That_ sort of communion, in my opinion, is the definition of great sex. Plucking moves from a database…just sad.

    If you and your partner like to watch porn during actual sex, fine. I find it a huge buzzkill. It doesn’t enhance, it takes you away from what you’re doing.

    Porn during sex, porn as instruction…ok, it might be great for folks who aren’t naturally sexual. It’s training wheels for the sexually unimaginative.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    There is a great book by Kenneth Burke called Language as Symbolic Action that captures what terri is saying perfectly. Or you can read Metaphors We Live By by George Lakoff and Mark Johnson. The basic premise of both books (if you’re not into rhetorical and metaphor theory) is that the words we choose to describe things are intentional, and they matter.

    Over the last six months or so Lance’s posts have become increasingly violent, frustrated, and (yes) scary. It did not used to be that way (which is where a lot of the benefit of the doubt is coming from for a lot of people), and I’m curious what caused such a radical shift in his outlook and demeanor. If it is a result of the current relationship/girlfriend, perhaps he should wonder whether someone he has referred to as essentially the perfect girlfriend is worth the price, because it seems that she has turned him into the worst version of himself.
    .-= Honey´s last blog …The Weekly- More Evidence Monogamy is Lame =-.

  • Shannon

    Sorry, but again, all of the above is out of your own imagination. I could easily take your own words from many of your comments and re-interpret them as mysandry (it didn’t matter if you didn’t literally suggest it, right?).

    But I won’t do that, as Kate brilliantly summed up, “taken out of context.” Chill, have fun, don’t assume that every man has some sort of hidden perverted agenda and don’t take life, the bedroom and humorous dude-speak so seriously. :)

  • Honey

    I have over 10 years of context with Lance and I find it disturbing.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Lance

    So just returned to this thread after my blogging hiatus. I’m really surprised this post caused such a stir when I figured it would actually be kind of funny. I re-read the language in the post and yes it is strong language, even a little over the top. I purposefully used the language that you find in pornos and highly sexual adult writing (like sex blogs) because I thought the mirroring was appropriate and would separate the post from the mass of super lame sex advice articles. Terms like “popping” is vernacular in the porn industry. So is “blowing my load.” It’s also highly masculine and the way I would talk with my buddies. I honestly don’t think there’s anything violent or dark about it. I have to return to this point: my gf loved the sex. She’s vanilla and she LOVED it. So, am I getting busted here because the sex was offensive or because the writing was offensive?

    Also, I think it’s an indefensible position to say that porn can’t teach you a thing or two about improving your sex life. You don’t get better by muddling around in the dark with no base of knowledge about sex other than your imagination and rom-coms. You get better by surveying what’s out there and being taught.

  • Jax

    Test- I have had trouble logging on for quite sometime. Today, one post did go through, but I have had to switch computers again, so test. And Terri, I know that sometimes it takes a moment for a post to show… your comment of ‘be patient’comes off as condescending, not appreciated.
    .-= Jax´s last blog …Hormone in Hair May Reveal Heart Risk =-.

  • Jax

    Lance and Honey, great forum, it’s a place to come to read others views and get some insight that isn’t always so vanilla! ;)

    Lance, as far as your use of language, I seem to have read your posts exactly as they were intended, from a mans view and also raw, just out there, not sugar coated because you may have some audience members that don’t care for it. It’s your forum, it’s your creation, you should not have to go back and rewrite because some wanna be author has chosen _ you _ to read. Take it as a compliment you have drawn the interest.

    While I have not condoned your ‘cheating’, and it is cheating, blanketing, everything else is your ‘baby’ and not any posters right to attempt to change, they can make their own blog. You don’t hold responsibility to make sure every reader isn’t psycho enough to take some of what you write literally and attempt to POP some girls vag. Geesh.

    Shaved and Dripping wet- most certainly a way to pull you in, to make you see that the writer isn’t all that mean/bad, or all too critical. HA! It’s an apology hidden and a people pleaser feeling that she had possibly gone too far. – Let’s us know if you eventually tap that shit.

    It’s interesting to read this forum from a couple that once were. I like it. It shows the journey’s many of us take. It’s a great example on how our views and life and sex life can change and be shaped from our individual experiences; many of those expressed through HONEY AND LANCE, real life and imaginative injections from the life of others.

    DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS.

    Lance – didn’t start a grammar forum or a forum that to inspire actions of young kids or an actually sex education forum, he started a laid back interactive sex chat (not English Lit Course) forum… If someone so strongly wants it to be something else; the WORLD WIDE WEB is a huge place. There’s the door. Geesh again. There are debate forum aplenty out there.

    Back on Subject-

    I thought of Lance often over the past two weeks. I am in a sexual relationship that is/was very vanilla. I realized part of that was my doing; a new body to learn, getting use to the look and shape of a different penis and my own feelings of taking some acts at a slower pace than other acts.
    Some of this mans comments made me wonder what I do that makes me ‘stand out’ or make the experience for him so different and better and I even found myself watching porn to see what I may do differently than other girls/ladies/women. haha! YES, I WENT STRAIGHT TO PORN to figure this out. WHY? CUZ that’s were SEX IS. I didn’t go to Dr Phil or WEBMD- I went to look at porn.
    ~AM I AM MAN HIDDEN A WOMAN’S BODY? No.

    My last few encounters sexually have been quite the introspective experiences. Men do seem to think differently now than they did 25 years ago. I find myself in the position to teach them it’s okay to say COCK, or to be a bit more graphical vulgar. Makes me wonder how pussy beaten the last quarter century has been. I don’t want to get deeply into the women’s lib or the man’s trying to accommodate US, but it’s crossed my mind.
    I have been with 2 men over 50 in the past two years, that’s not many to make a true statement but it’s my statement. MEN have been castrated.
    This past week, I was explaining to a new sexual partner that my actions are quite vanilla right now and went on to explain why and what I thought my behaviors may stem from. (see above and also that- I don’t want an emotional entanglement at this time, I know there will be some but I want it to be absolutely minimal.) He was shocked at my apology of sorts and went on to tell me that his experiences with me have been the most exciting of his life and I am apologizing! I didn’t apologize because it was bad or lame in any way but it was not that exciting for me(I made it that way) and it did not involve many sexual acts that it could have.
    He sent me a text after encounter #2- it read…
    Is it a bad thing that I want you again already?

    I wrote back-

    What do you want with me?

    He wrote back-

    I want to smell you, make wild, passionate love with you.

    Hmmmm…

    By the time the correspondence was over it read something like-

    I can’t wait to have my cock in your mouth again. LOL

    Progress!! ;)

    Some things vanilla are worth working on.

    Take that back.

  • Jax

    Odd, Take that back was actually written in front of Hmmmm….

    Excuse and over look the typos. I believe the errors can be figure out and if you feel a need to critique or correct my grammar, comment on my writing skills- go fuck yourself.