Keep Things Fresh In The Bedroom: Imitate Porn (NSFW)

So I was thinking the other day that since my girlfriend is vanilla as Breyers, I masturbate a ton more than I normally would if I was in a proper relationship with ridiculously good sex. Usually when I flog the dolphin, I’ll fire up the laptop and go to one of my favorite porn sites. These include: xhamster.com, redtube.com, pornhub.com, and tube8.com. This is really the only way I can get through my super boring actual sex life, unless of course I cheat on my girlfriend and have a ONS with a random chick. (Note, NSFW video after the jump).

Sidebar: If you don’t watch a lot of Internet porn, these sites are great. They’re totally FREE and no sketchy downloading bullshit. You simply click on a video and start watching, just like YouTube. There’s no virii and, besides some annoying pop-up windows, no danger to your computer. Everything is user rated (one to five stars) and commented on, you can do searches on your favorite festishes, and there are literally thousands of videos, with dozens added each day. It’s completely absurd. The days of trolling torrents to find a decent video without a virus are totally over. The other great thing about these sites is you can consume many videos in a short amount of time. Most of the vids are less than 10 minutes and I will usually have 2-3 going simultaneously for maximum absorption.

So, since I’ve been watching a lot more porn lately, I’ve noticed that my bedroom game has improved. I’m trying more cool moves and chaining together moves to create what I call “scenes.” Scenes are basically multiple moves and ways of screwing that make an interesting and unique sex scene, sort of like you’d see in a porn video. My dirty talk is increasing in range also.

Here’s an example of something I tried the other day:

1. She started off by blowing my cock with me pulling her hair pretty tight.

2. I dirty talked that I was going to blow my load and that she was going to swallow it, which got her excited.

3. I didn’t blow my load, and instead put her in a girl-on-top position where she was basically kneeling on my cock with feet flat. I had to sort of support her by holding her ass while she was perched on my dong. I looked this one up and apparently the position is called Asian Cowgirl (see below), although the variation we tried had her arms behind her instead of on my chest…

Courtesy of SexInfo101.com.

4. Nailed her from behind in front of a big mirror with her ass angled up in the air and arms held behind her back. Pretty hot.

5. Flipped her over, kneeled over her head at an angle and “fed” her my cock while I fingered her. Also had her play with herself. This seemed to get her pretty excited although she was weirded out somewhat by the position.

6. Kept doing #5 above until she came, which took forever.

7. Fucked her missionary with her legs up in the air until just before I popped.

8. Pulled out and blew a huge Ron Jeremy manload into her mouth for the grand finale. Ridiculous orgasm from me.

That whole little scene basically came from two porn vids I watched on xhamster earlier in the week that I thought was super cool and worth trying. I mean, there wasn’t anything there super far-out, but the sequence and the moves had just enough variation to be unique for us.

What’s the moral of the story? Watch more porn to improve your bedroom game! Seriously, though, for the guys out there I really do recommend watching a shitload of porn and searching around and identifying stuff that looks cool and turns you on. Build up a database of moves, scenes, lines, and full-on fantasies that you can bring into your own sex life. I recommend doing this *without* your partner because you won’t be self-conscious about the porn you pick (“Wait, why did you pick the one with the teenage redhead gangbang?”) and you can surprise your partners with the new stuff you learn. The more you watch, you more you identify what your fetishes are and the more you can embrace who you are sexually.

Lastly, when trying new stuff, be bold and assertive and just go for it. Don’t ask to try a new move or scene, just execute the moves, dominate verbally, and own that shit. It’ll get her super hot.

What are you doing, reading, or trying to get better in the sack? Leave in comments.

  • terri

    To Jax:

    “Lance and Honey, great forum, it’s a place to come to read others views”

    and

    “If someone so strongly wants it to be something else; the WORLD WIDE WEB is a huge place. There’s the door.”

    So…you want other views, but you don’t want them to be “other”? You’re showing me the door because…either you want other views or you don’t.

    But, nah, I won’t argue. You haven’t the ammunition or the intelligence. Go suck your boy’s cock again. He’ll love it. It’s what you were born to do. You got him to go from a rather pussyish “the most exciting [sexual experience] of my life” to the euphemistic (and puke-inducing) “I want to…make wild, passionate love with you.” to “I can’t wait to have my cock in your mouth again.”

    That’s not “progress.” You’re just getting off (in public) that you got some timid little sex-deprived pansy to drool over you.

    But back to the subject. I’m not backing down. Jennifer has it right (and I’m paraphrasing) “porn is for watching. sex is for real life.”

    Someone, _please_ tell me _anything_ they’ve learned from watching porn that they couldn’t have conjured on their own. I’ll rebut that you have no imagination and (pace Lance) no natural sex drive.

    As for you, Lance…yeah, right. Back pedal as much as you want. Recast the language in your OP as intentionally ironic. No, it’s not. I’ve read your other posts. You’ve used progressively violent and distancing language as this forum has progressed. Even honey is disquieted:

    “I have over 10 years of context with Lance and I find it disturbing.”

    …and she’s your ostensible friend. She knows you in real life (right?).

    To both of you, jax and lance: You seem to be cut from the same cloth. sexually adventurous, sexually willing and (possibly) giving and…nothing wrong with that…but you both sound so caught up in the “sex” part of sex that you can’t see the profundity of what it can engender. And you both seem to willingly blind yourselves to the havoc you could reck. Jax, you “taught” your “man” to talk dirty…and yet you speak of him as if you’ll discard him next week when the next better thing comes along. Live with that. You, too, Lance. “Nail” some cunt that’s not your (pronounced) girlfriend.

    Have fun.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Lance

    What exactly is violent? Also, I never use the term cunt. That’s just distasteful and vaguely British.

  • terri

    “Lance – didn’t start a grammar forum or a forum that [is meant to] to inspire actions of young kids or an actually sex education forum, he started a laid back interactive sex chat (not English Lit Course) forum”

    The non-grammatical forum, I agree. Go back and read my posts, jax. I picked on Lance _once_ for being a bad writer. _Once_.

    Yes, he did introduce a “sex education” thread. “use porn to inform your sex life.” In what way is this _not_ a sex education thread?

    Re grammar: Language (I reiterate, and I’m _really_ getting tired of doing so) _does_ mean something. (As an aside, anyone who can say that they’ve augmented their “sexy” vocabulary by watching porn…sad, sad, sad. “Oooh, yeah, fuck my fucking pussy. Fuck it hard.” “You want it in your butt?” “Yeah, put your big dick in my tight little butthole.” That’s how adults talk? Pathetic. Who watches porn with the sound on? Not I.)

    As for this: “if you feel a need to critique or correct my grammar, comment on my writing skills- go fuck yourself”. I assume, given the context, that that’s directed at me. I said nothing about your writing skills, so _you_ go fuck yourself. Passive-aggressive case study #1.

    And this: “your comment of ‘be patient’comes off as condescending, not appreciated.” You know what comes off as condescending? Suggesting to me, as you did in another thread, that I should “hook up” with your “friend” because we have similar writing styles (is he another boy that you taught? Uhm…no thanks). I don’t need your matchmaking talents, darling. And I certainly don’t want your leftovers. (And I’ll bet he’s just thrilled [if you told him] that you published his email address on a forum.)

    But let’s look at what you have to say:

    “I find myself in the position to teach them it’s okay to say COCK, or to be a bit more graphical vulgar.”

    “I didn’t apologize because it was bad or lame in any way but it was not that exciting for me”

    “Some of this mans comments made me wonder what I do that makes me ‘stand out’ or make the experience for him so different and better”

    Pure public bragging. Here’s what I’m thinking:

    – It’s pretty clear, from what you’ve said, here and in other threads, that you’re drawn to the sexually inferior and inexperienced. Your gig is “teaching”. It bolsters your ego.

    – You’ve been hurt because of a betrayal and you want to erase the hurt by proving to yourself that sex is just a function, just an enjoyment.

    – Your “admission” to a one night stand (on a different thread)…kinda significant. I’ll bet you’d not done that before, or at least not for a long time, or else you wouldn’t have posed it as an “admission”. Yup, language counts.

    I don’t know you. All I know is what you’ve typed, and I’m allowed to look at it and draw my own conclusions. And I’m not using those “conclusions” to beat you down, but to measure _myself_ against them. And there are similarities.

    So, yes, agreed. This forum, which occasionally introduces _ultra_ opinions, can be of use. We _all_ read ourselves into what we read. We (or I) just hope (hopelessly, mostly) that our interlocutors have the ability to express themselves in a way that is precise and honest. Or, in my case, so fucking erudite that probably _no one_ has any clue what I’m talking about. That works, too.

    Now, do you really want me to go away and find some other forum?

    What was your friend’s name again? Does he really write like me? I’m blushing.

  • terri

    To lance:

    ” I purposefully used the language that you find in pornos and highly sexual adult writing (like sex blogs) because I thought the mirroring was appropriate and would separate the post from the mass of super lame sex advice articles. ”

    You’re lying, and you’re only saying this because I called you on it. No, you didn’t fill this thread with violent/porno language because you thought you “figured it would actually be kind of funny”.

    It wasn’t funny. Go re-read what you wrote. There’s not a _word_ in there that’s amusing or hints at irony. You posed the thread as a sincere enjoinder that porn is a good teacher, and you’ve since defended the position. Either you were joking, or you weren’t.

    You said it yourself:

    “I have to return to this point: my gf loved the sex. She’s vanilla and she LOVED it.”

    So…you were being ironic? But your “vanilla” gf loved it? Yeah, ironic sex. That’s such a turn on.

    Really, Lance, which way do you want to play this? Do you want to insist that this was all a satiric, “oh, I’m just using porn language humorously” canard, or did you just want a platform to prove that you can please your frigid girlfriend?

    God, you’re a douche.

  • terri

    What exactly is violent in what you wrote? You want me to re-post my previous offerings?

    So you never use the term “cunt” because it’s, ahem, “distasteful” (and british)..but “nail” and “pop my load”…oh, such elegant locutions.

  • terri

    ‘Terms like “popping” is vernacular in the porn industry. So is “blowing my load.” It’s also highly masculine and the way I would talk with my buddies.’

    Highly masculine? Ok, walking away. The idiocy in that statement (and the ‘how I would You’talk with my buddies’) is so non-masculine…

    Lance, are you gay? You ‘blow your load’ so you can speak of it, in a “highly-masculine” way with your “buddies” the next day? Jesus. _That’s_ what’s on your mind? “Gotta nail this chick so I can brag to my bros!”

    You’re a nightmare of sexual frustration.

    I’m done. See ya!

  • http://honeyandlance.com Lance

    Terri, you’re awfully loquacious. Do you have a blog?

  • Honey

    Pretty much the only reason Jake watches porn is because he enjoys seeing different people naked. I mean, he has a couple of specific fetishes that he enjoys, but he’s not trying to get ideas for our sex life (I ran that by him and he thought that comparing real life sex to porn sex was not something he did or even would be very interested in). Visual variety turns him on and is pretty much the only purpose for porn as far as he’s concerned.

    This weekend we went to a swingers’ club for just that reason (we have already agreed that neither of us ever wants to do anything physical with anyone but each other). So we watched other people hook up for awhile and then went home and had sex 3 times (well, more since then, but 3 times that night/morning).

    For most guys, there are 2 main factors involved in their sex drive at any particular time (there are obviously more, but I think there are two biggies). These are (1) the physical shape the guy is in, and (2) the novelty of the experience. New partners will obviously have sex way more frequently because the novelty is one of the things that’s turning them on.

    I will say that I think part of Lance’s focus on porn and porn-quality sex is that he is in the best physical shape of anyone I’ve ever dated (and, indeed, almost anyone else that I know). In fact, he’s in such fantastic shape that I think it’s why his sex drive is off the charts (ESPECIALLY for his age). Jake and I have had sex twice in one day plenty of times, but I don’t know that we’ve had sex three times in one evening/morning since we first started dating, and I’m sure the fact that Jake’s probably worked out once in the past year (yes, year) is a factor in this (not that I’m any better, I think it’s probably been a year or so since I’ve worked out as well).

  • Honey

    Actually, I remember the exact words now – he said that comparing real life sex to porn sex would put a lot of pressure on him and have the potential to negatively impact his performance trying to “live up to it.”