Into-Me-See: A Couple’s Guide to Intimacy
By Honey on Oct 30, 2008 in Featured, Relationships
Everyone catch that pop culture reference from the greatest tv show of all time? SATC, bitchez!
All right then, moving on. I was intrigued by Lance’s treatment of intimacy, what it means, why we crave it, and whether it is necessary. This reminded me not only of the title of the fake book from Sex and the City when Samantha and her boyfriend go to couple’s counseling because he has a small dick, but also of the moment in that show where Miranda is describing to Carrie how her favorite thing to do on a Saturday night is her boyfriend’s laundry. Then, in the next episode, their relationship is in jeopardy and when Carrie says,
“But things were going so well!?”
Miranda replies, “Maybe I mistook falling into a rut with intimacy.”
And this is where I have to start really thinking because when people start getting to know the “real you,” or embracing you, “warts and all,” well–that is all too often the time in the relationship when the sexual tension flies out the window (or, to make another SATC reference, the za-za-zoo is gone!).
For me, then, the real question about the meaning of intimacy becomes this:
How Can I Show This Person The “Real Me” And Still Maintain the Zing?
Because, let’s face it, the fact that my boyfriend tears his toenails off with his hands while watching television and then goes to bed forgetting to throw the little pile of skin and nails that he’s left on the coffee table into the trash doesn’t exactly make me want to jump his bones.
The key, I think, to true intimacy lies in some of the things that Lance pointed out–a) if you’re going to have a truly intimate romantic, sexual relationship with a significant other, then you can’t just have one type of intimacy. Physical, good as it is, isn’t enough: you need the physical, emotional, intellectual, social, and spiritual stuff, too.
Also key to achieving intimacy is the idea that you can only share something if it belongs solely to you. This is vital to the idea of self-differentiation (and avoidance of co-dependency) that Lance mentions. This is also how to maintain the zing:
-
The moments in your relationship that are reserved for the two of you alone belong to both of you; that is, they’re shared with no other. This is vital, but I think it also means that you’re not technically sharing them with each other, either–you’re experiencing them together.
-
The things you share with your partner are the things you tell them that they don’t already know–your physical desires in a particular moment, your emotional needs as a result of the rough day at work, your intellectual take on the state of politics in our country…you get the idea.
If this definition of intimacy is true, at least for me (because I think everyone’s definitions are a little bit different) then in order to maintain an intimate relationship, you have to be constantly thinking new things, seeking out new experiences, living your life in such a way that you have new thoughts, aspirations, and accomplishments that your partner hasn’t heard before or can’t predict. That is, to truly share, there have to be moments, issues, etc., when you are truly separate. This ensures that not only will you always have things in your life to share, you will always be a surprise–and, therefore, a source of the zing!
Thoughts?
Dad’s House talked about the difference between physical intimacy and emotional intimacy, and Single Mom Seeking waded in with her own thoughts on sex and intimacy, be sure to check them out!
If this post made you want to zing Honey, you might enjoy the following:
