Interview with DJ Fuji, Lifestyle and Dating Coach

I had the good fortune of meeting DJ Fuji, a lifestyle and dating coach, at the recent 21 convention. You can read a few of my thoughts about the 21 convention here. Fuji’s presentation was excellent and, suffice it say, everything he said was useful for regular people in regular dating situations. I think Fuji is going to become one of the really compelling voices in social artistry in the not-too-distant future because of his grounded approach and focus on fundamentals. He agreed to hit us with an email interview. You can find his blog at The Tao of DJ Fuji. Enjoy!

1. What’s the story behind you striking out on your own and leaving Mehow Inc? I heard you talk about leaving your comfort zone during your speech, but is there anything else you can share?

What I was referring to in my speech was that all of us are on the same journey – as life coaches and social artists we’re just a bit further along and can point out the pitfalls and potholes in the road so that hopefully our students don’t have to struggle with the same sticking points that we experienced. What that also means is that I, too, must be constantly pushing my comfort zone just as I tell my students to do. Leaving was the right move for me… financially, career-wise, and for my own personal growth.

And now that I’m off on my own, I have a lot more freedom to teach my own ideas and philosophies. There was a point where my wing and fellow instructor Kamouflage and I realized that there were some huge flaws in the methods we were being employed to teach. My departure was a great move for me because I’m no longer obligated to teach things I don’t believe in, and I have a lot more control over my financial situation. It was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

2. What are your goals for Tao of DJ Fuji and what products and services can we expect in the future?

Besides just being my job, The Tao of DJ Fuji is in many ways my way of giving back to the community and industry that has completely changed my life. That’s why I do free “lair” seminars and such. My goals are to have an organization that maximizes the growth and potential for my students and clients. And what that really boils down to is that I want to be able to positively influence and improve people’s lives. My job is much, much more than simply a dating coach. Most guys come to me with dating in mind, sure, but after I’ve had a chance to work with them, they start to understand what this is all about. And it’s ultimately about becoming a more attractive person who leads a rewarding and enriching life.

As far as products and services, I’m not all that interested right now in putting out your typical DVD or CD product of a taped lecture. My focus is on maximizing results, and that means that I’m really putting most of my time and effort into personally training guys. You will, however, see some new products from me soon which no one else is doing right now. My philosophy on training or products is that I want “the stuff that would have really helped me when I was first starting out.” Stay tuned.

3. Who are some of the guys you admire in the dating and pickup industries? Are there any big thinkers out there we might not have heard of that you really follow?

I admire a lot of people in this industry. Erik (“Mystery”) and Neil Strauss take a lot of heat because they’re public figures and because it’s “cool” to bash on them, but they’ve been super cool to me even before I started teaching. Mystery, for all his supposed faults and everything, is a guy that I can say was a HUGE inspiration to me on my journey. In fact, I’m pretty sure my speaking style is subconsciously modeled after him after watching all those DVDs over and over again back in the day.

And there are guys like Jason (“Gone Savage”) and Steve (“El Topo”), who aren’t THAT mainstream yet but who are, in my eyes, some of the most skilled guys I’ve ever had the pleasure of working with. In fact, I took a boot camp with Savage almost 4 years ago when I was first getting started in all of this. It’s so amazing to realize that I recently had the honor of speaking alongside him at the 21 Convention.

Another guy I REALLY respect and admire is my wing Mike (“Kamouflage”) who used to coach with me during my tenure as Chief Instructor. This guy is just unbelievably good both in his ability to meet women and as a coach, and nobody really even knows who he is. Literally one of the most talented guys I’ve EVER met. The thing is that not only is he good at this, but he’s NORMAL. I know that sounds weird, but anyone who’s involved in this industry knows how rare that can be. Mike’s one of the few guys I can introduce to my family and friends and I don’t ever worry that he’ll weird them out. Just a really cool guy. We’re planning to do some stuff together in the near future that I hope will really revolutionize this industry.

4. I recall you talking about how you didn’t know how to keep your first girlfriend and that led you to the community. Is anyone doing any work on relationship game, how to develop a relationship past the 2-3 month mark, or anything like that? I’ve always thought that the social artists are on the cutting edge of attraction science and social dynamics and I’d love to see someone step up and tackle relationships. The material out there on relationships seems scattershot at best.

Yeah, you’re right, there’s very little stuff out there on relationship management. The only thing I’m really aware of (aside from my own 1-on-1 coaching) is the Relationship Management seminar and products by Nick Savoy, which I highly recommend.

I think part of the reason that we don’t see much of that out there is because 99% of the guys in the community aren’t ready for it yet. The vast, overwhelming majority of guys learning this stuff are still unable to approach effectively. So relationship management and things like threesome techniques, while flashy, really don’t have that big of an audience. Your best bet (aside from the aforementioned product) is private coaching with someone who has a lot of experience with the type of relationships you’re looking for.

5. Where do you see dating & courtship headed in the future, like 10 or 20 years from now?

I kind of see all of this like an empowerment movement, sort of like the women’s liberation thing a few decades ago. The only thing, though, is that the underground aspect of the community will never really become mainstream. Sure, the self improvement and life coaching stuff may eventually become household concepts, but I don’t see the tactical seduction element of the community ever coming out of the underground unless we see a HUGE social change in the next decade or so. I think that level of change is at least 30 or 40 years out, possibly more.

As far as dating and courtship in general, I see us becoming more and more socially liberal as time goes on. I predict polyamory will become much more prevalent in the near future, and fewer people will be willing to buy into the traditional views of marriage and lifelong monogamous partnership. We are already seeing a breakup of the traditional gender roles, and I think this is just the next evolution of that trend.

In fact, this erosion of gender roles is at least partially to blame for today’s emasculated men. I can’t help but wonder if perhaps the high divorce rate is a product of the increasingly large gap between our social climate and our evolutionary instincts. In short, our instincts are becoming more obsolete with each passing year. And what women are instinctively attracted to is becoming harder and harder to find. Today’s man doesn’t hunt, fish, or protect his family from predators. In fact, today’s man is lucky if he’s even the breadwinner in the household.

We’re constantly struggling with this paradox of gender equality and its effect on our instinctive preferences for a mate. I suppose I’m most curious if this trend will ever result in a Marxist Rise-of-the-Proletariat-Type revolution in which gender roles revert back to more traditional times. It won’t be the first time.

6. What areas are you focused on growing personally? Financial, social, physical, spiritual, etc?

I’m always focusing on personal growth as a whole. I consider myself a student of the world and that means that I’m constantly learning from everything and everyone around me.

On the career front, I’m now running my own company and that was a huge step for me but has proven to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

And even though I teach social skills, I’m not foolish enough to believe that I have all the answers. I’m still constantly learning and improving. I don’t believe you can be a good coach unless you’re still on the path to enlightenment.

Physically I’ve actually been on a Tim Ferriss-inspired health kick lately and it’s really changed a lot with my overall lifestyle. It’s amazing what some ab definition can do for your self esteem. :)

In terms of spiritual development, it’s been something I’ve kind of neglected for much of my life. Martial arts were really the only spiritual development I did up until I got into personal development. But the older I get, the more this becomes a focus in my life. Much of this is just learning to maintain a balance.

Overall, I guess it’s like that quote from Shakespeare— “The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself a fool.” The more I learn and the better I get, the more I realize there’s a LOT more out there. But that’s what makes it exciting. That’s what makes life worth living.

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  • Dream

    Damn, excellent interview, blows my old one away haha.

    It’s interesting to see how closely our thoughts parallel each other… I think having you speak this year was one of the best decisions I could have made, not only for the convention, the attendees, and you, but for EVERYONE (even those who couldn’t make it).

    Your gonna go far man, keep at it!

    .-= Dream´s last blog …The 21 Convention 2009 Official 720p HD Trailer =-.

  • Janak

    Interesting. Particularly the comment “I can’t help but wonder if perhaps the high divorce rate is a product of the increasingly large gap between our social climate and our evolutionary instincts.”
    .-= Janak´s last blog …Interview with Lance from “Honey and Lance” =-.

  • Adonis

    DJ Fuji is quite possibly the best instructor on the planet for teaching guys the solid fundamentals necessary to really get the kind of women you want in your life. Kudos for interviewing him. He is seriously a force to be reckoned with in the dating community.
    .-= Adonis´s last blog …David Wygant – Set Your Intent =-.

  • Mikko Kemppe – Relationship Coach

    “I predict polyamory will become much more prevalent in the near future, and fewer people will be willing to buy into the traditional views of marriage and lifelong monogamous partnership.”

    I found this quote particularly interesting. I wonder what exactly did DJ Fuji mean by this. I can see what he means in general, but does he in fact see himself being romantically involved with more than one person at a time in the future?

    He said: “I can’t help but wonder if perhaps the high divorce rate is a product of the increasingly large gap between our social climate and our evolutionary instincts”

    I would argue that our high rate of divorce is actually partly a result of people looking for deeper sense of love and connection. We are just simply not willing to settle to the same type of relationships that we did in the past. Today we want more from them.

    But I think as we mature and grow even further, we will be seeing even more and more people finding the deepest satisfaction in finding a loving and passionate monogamous relationship.
    .-= Mikko Kemppe – Relationship Coach´s last blog …Mikko, Have I Lost Him? Should I Call Him? =-.

  • Honey

    I agree with you, Mikko. I find out more and more every day how difficult it is to give yourself completely to one person. I can’t imagine how much more difficult it would be to give yourself completely to more than one (or, even worse, compartmentalize yourself and never truly give to anyone).
    .-= Honey´s last blog …Hello 30! =-.

  • DJ Fuji

    Mikko, I consider myself somewhat polyamorous right now. That is, I am not monogamous in the traditional sense, but I am also not emotionally detached and unable to love.

    My quote about polyamory is more a general prediction that I see it being a more common trend in the future. It’ll be a long time before it becomes truly mainstream (especially in puritanical America), but I think we’ll see (relatively speaking) a lot more of it in the coming years.

    I agree that one factor to the relatively recent high divorce rates are increased marital expectations [Robert L. Griswold], although I haven’t found any evidence to suggest that it’s specifically due to people wanting “a deeper sense of love and connection,” unless you count the feminist movement.

    What I meant about divorce rates being a “product of the increasingly large gap between our social climate and our evolutionary instincts” is that the more society evolves, the more disconnected our primal instincts become with our current environment. For example, we still have very primitive (and relatively obsolete) fears built into our psyche. We are evolutionarily designed to fear that which has the potential to harm or kill us. Yet very few of us fear the cheeseburger which will give us heart disease, or the cars that will take thousands of lives every year. Instead, we fear the spider, which has a relatively minuscule chance of ever killing us. This evolutionary anomaly occurs as a result of the recent massive changes in our social climate. The last few hundred years has given us a radically different social environment compared to the rest of human history. Physical survival and safety are now a very low priority in most of the world.

    What this means is that our hard-wired instincts are outdated — they have not evolved quickly enough to keep up with our technological and societal shifts.

    Thus, in the mating world, we also possess antiquated instincts. We are still attracted (and repelled) by obsolete survival and replication traits which have little relevance to the real world.

    What I suggested was that this disconnect may play a factor in the increasingly high divorce rates over the last century.
    .-= DJ Fuji´s last blog …PUA Impressions, Conventions, & Interviews =-.

  • Dennis

    Personally I think the current institution of marriage is a raw deal for men, because we’re suppressing out natural instinct to be with more than one woman.