About the Author

Honey's main interests are online dating, long distance dating, and long term relationships. She met her boyfriend on MySpace and they have been exclusive since their first date over three years ago. Currently they live in Tempe, Arizona. Honey graduated with her PhD in Composition and Rhetoric in May 2009. You can contact Honey via email here or online here.

Insight Into A Guy’s Mind

Last night I decided to create a surprise for Jake when he got home.  It was all inspired by these fancy cupcakes that were on sale at Fry’s.  I don’t eat sweets, but Jake loves them, so I got him a layered, frosted, cream-filled German chocolate piece of deliciousness.

Sunday, he’d taken some wild turbot fillets out of the freezer.  I am always leery when he does this, as he has a hectic schedule and doesn’t cook very often (and I am also sort of opposed to eating fish at home and don’t like that he even buys it).  But by Tuesday, it was clear: cook the fish tonight or it was going to go bad.

So I used a citrus rub that he’d bought recently, some olive oil, and some fresh lemons to create a marinade.  I broiled it for 5 minutes a side and then put it on a bed of quinoa flavored with shallots, garlic, and leeks as well as a “chicken” vegan bouillon, and served it with what is probably the last of this season’s fresh corn on the cob.

Jake had promised to leave work at a specified time so it’d all be ready when he got home, and I was tracking his journey home via the Latitudes program in iGoogle.  By the time he arrived, on the coffee table was the fancy cupcake, two wineglasses with fresh strawberries in them, and a bottle of pinot grigio.  I had only one low light on in the living room, and lots of candles.  On the bed was my nude photo album…

So, as you have probably guessed, we had a fantastic home cooked dinner, some wine, and then some hot sex [Best compliment of the night: “you look exactly the same in these photos as you do today.”  Not bad, considering they were taken 6-8 years ago!].  An excellent night for a Tuesday :-)  We also shared some conversation, where I was delving for the answers to the mystery that is the male mind.  Here’s what I found out:

  • Not surprising: he loves that I decided to take up cooking as a hobby because it provides a tangible benefit to him.
  • Surprising: he didn’t realize that’s why I chose that particular hobby.  I said, “Well, you can’t just be the person that your significant other wants to be with in the beginning of the relationship.  You have to be that person every day.”  He said that he is constantly surprised that someone of my calibre would even love him, but he tries not to think about that too much (beyond remembering to say & do things that show he appreciates me) because it makes him really nervous.

Then, because I’d been thinking about this since the discussion about porn, and one reader’s comment that she felt insecure about her body sometimes because she could see her boyfriend’s physical reaction to other women.  Forewarning: if you use the fact that a guy has/will have sex with you to boost your self-esteem/body image, this will be pretty disappointing.

Me: On a scale of 1-10, where would a woman have to fall before she was so unattractive that you physically wouldn’t be able to perform/get hard?

Jake: I could probably have sex with a 3.  Any lower, and I might have trouble.  Might. I actually think most guys could probably get hard in the presence of most women, if they were naked.

Me: Would you admit to your friends that you’d slept with a 3?

Jake: No, you lie and say you had sex with a 6.

Me: No, no, it’s someone all your friends know, so they know her “real” number.

Jake: Oh.  No, then.

Me: At what point would you admit to your friends that you’d slept with someone?  At what point would you brag?

Jake: I’d admit to sleeping with a 4.  I’d brag about sleeping with a 7.  [Note: despite what we’ve said before on several occasions about where people place themselves on a scale of 1-10, the fact that he’d admit to sleeping with anyone on the “hump” of a perfect bell curve makes his expectations pretty realistic.  I’d say that given his career and looks he’d be an 8, but the fact that he’s 5’7″ probably places him in the middle of the bell curve by a lot of women’s standards.]

He asked why I wanted to know all this, and I was telling him about the comments on my latest entry and how he was pretty much the only man I could ask about this stuff and get an honest answer besides Lance, and it would be a wasted effort to ask Lance since he can post his own opinion on the blog whenever he wants and doesn’t need me to interview him :-)

Jake said, why don’t you just ask your readers?  I explained that I always do, in the comments (I still don’t think he even really understands what a blog is, ha) but that I had to have something to tell people in the entry.  I said, “Don’t you realize by now that everything you tell me is immediately generalized to apply to all men everywhere and presented to the Honey and Lance readers as the gospel of the male mind?”

He blinked.  “Oh.”

Who would you sleep with on the bell curve?  Leave a comment below, and then enjoy these fine posts:

  • http://casualencounters.com/blog/ Janak

    He blinked. “Oh.”

    … and it was then, at that precise moment, that I finally realized I had fallen madly, passionately, deeply, truly in love with this anonymous Internet man whom I knew only through the online writings of his lover…
    .-= Janak´s last blog …Interview with David Shade, America’s Renegade Sex Expert =-.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Awesome, Janak. I’ll be sure to let him know he has options in case he ever gives me the heave-ho :-)
    .-= Honey´s last blog …Insight Into A Guy’s Mind =-.

  • Nicole

    Wait, how does that discussion with Jake tie into the insecurity and porn-watching issue?

    Btw, you’re an excellent cook! Sounds delicious.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Well, on the one hand, you shouldn’t feel insecure or jealous if your guy gets off watching porn. Those women could be a 3, and he’d still be able to get a stiffy and jerk off just fine.

    On the other hand, if you use sex with men as a means to reassure yourself that you are attractive, that’s probably a mistake too. You could be a 3 and dudes would still want to bang you six ways from Sunday. It’s in their DNA.

    Of course, if you’re in a relationship with someone, he probably doesn’t THINK you’re a 3 physically, even if you are. I think most people don’t rank on an absolute scale but a personal preferences scale anyway, and if someone is agreeing to be exclusive with and/or spend the rest of their life with you, it’s a pretty safe bet that they think you’re pretty darn awesome in a variety of ways.
    .-= Honey´s last blog …Insight Into A Guy’s Mind =-.

  • http://www.topcoafuri.ro Coafuri mirese

    Trying to determine what men want in a woman isn’t an easy task. Most women have tried to solve this puzzle at least a few times in their lives. When you are crazy about a man and you want him to feel the same way about you any insight you can gain into what he finds appealing is incredibly helpful. Although every man is different and unique in his own way, there are some things that the majority of men find desirable in a woman.
    .-= Coafuri mirese´s last blog …Coafuri | Septembrie 2009 sapt. 3 =-.

  • http://www.beforewisdom.com beforewisdom


    I don’t want to offend you. Let me write that three times just so you are convinced, because people often write that when they do not mean it.

    my intent is not to offend you

    no offense is meant

    no disrespect intended.

    You are an educated woman so I hate seeing you use a word in an improper way. “Vegetarians” do not eat fish. Yes, people who do not use the word correctly who only eat fish besides plants call themselves that but they aren’t correct:


    No offense or disrespect meant.
    .-= beforewisdom´s last blog …60% Of Adults Can’t Digest Milk =-.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Hi, Beforewisdom,

    I’m aware that my dietary preferences are too complex to be adequately captured by a single term :-)

    Most vegans argue that the word “vegetarian” means veganism – they call themselves “vegetarians” and anyone who calls themselves vegetarian yet continues to eat any animal-based product at all “a liar.” Believe me, I know – I have a close friend who wrote her dissertation on vegetarianism as a social movement.

    So I always ask myself: is it easier to call myself an ovo-lacto-pesco-vegetarian? Or “someone who eats fish, eggs, and dairy, but not red meat, pork, fowl, or game”? Or a “vegetarian who eats fish”? The last seems the simplest to me, so it’s what I roll with, especially since I eat fish less than once a month 😉 So – and no offense meant towards you, either – I plan on continuing to use the term vegetarian despite eating fish.

    I am contemplating veganism in the new year, although this will involve complex negotiations with Jake about what’s allowed in our house and what isn’t.
    .-= Honey´s last blog …Some New Crap at the Blog =-.

  • Nicole

    Okay, so a guy (say a bf), can get off on watching porn even if the women in there were 3s. That’s fine as long we’re watching ugly people porn. But, of the stuff I’ve seen, a lot of the women in there are not 3s. In fact, I think a good portion of them are better looking than me, whether they’re younger, more toned, prettier face, bigger boobs(!!!) etc. I’m not going to be young and trim forever, either. As I age, the women in the porn will look better than me.

    I know that a man who decides to be exclusive with me isn’t in it purely for my looks (I’m not even that good looking). I also know that he thinks I’m attractive (and definitely above a 3).

    Taking into account everything above, my insecurity comes from my guy getting off on women better looking than me (even if it’s just monentary and we go on living in our happy loving relationship).

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Well, I guess it’s arising from your own personal perspective, then. I’ve never seen a woman in a porn video that I thought was even half as attractive as me.

    In fact, any tendency I might have to judge a guy for watching porn would be to lose respect for them – I mean, how can they get off watching people who look like that?

    But then, like I said, I know that Jake’s not coveting the bodies (or faces) of the women – he likes thinking about the ACT of doing it. That’s what’s getting him off.

    In your case, is it something you can ask your boyfriend about? Maybe hearing from his lips that it’s not the women but the act of ____ (whatever’s in the videos) would make you feel better. Or maybe you need to concentrate on some self-esteem building activities. I couldn’t say for sure…
    .-= Honey´s last blog …Some New Crap at the Blog =-.

  • http://www.beforewisdom.com beforewisdom

    I’ve been doing it for 30 years. If you want me to point out the best books let me know. I will be glad to help.
    .-= beforewisdom´s last blog …60% Of Adults Can’t Digest Milk =-.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    If you mean cookbooks, I’m all for it! I know all the reasons to *do* it, I’m interested in what I can make that tastes fantastic.

    My best friend and her boyfriend are both vegan and she runs a vegan recipe blog, so I do have lots of resources.

    However, whatever else I give up, I do not think I could stop eating goat cheese….
    .-= Honey´s last blog …Some New Crap at the Blog =-.

  • http://www.relationship-journal.com Mikko Kemppe – Relationship Coach

    Here is another guys point of you to your porn/attractiveness conversation.

    What I find interesting looking at my own experiences is that the more I have become to know my-self, I have realized that the attractiveness scale that you are referring to has started to matter less and less.

    I am an attractive basketball/salsa dancer guy :) so I have had my share of opportunities to be with women from all over the scale. I am saying this first to explain that I have good frame of reference to compare my own experiences.

    And my other point in saying that is to say that the more I have matured, the more I have realized that it is the type of chemistry and energy you feel with a woman that is much more important than the raw looks on the attractiveness scale.

    Now, of course, I am not trying to say that physical looks does not matter. But often we us guys have been hypnotized by the media to believe one type of body type or looks to be sexy or attractive. But if we would be completely honest with ourselves, I believe we would be surprised how this can really be different for everybody.

    For example, someone could be 9 – 10 for most people in that scale, yet I might not feel much chemistry with her. At the same time some other women could be 4 -5, and yet I might feel much more physical chemistry with her than the one that most guys would agree to be 9 or 10.

    It is true that our biology gives as a spike of testosterone almost every 20 – 30 minutes which makes us usually more ready for sex than women, especially in our younger years (although even this may change over the years). And as we become aroused we are pretty much ready to do it with anyone as all of the women become suddenly very attractive.

    Now what makes porn so attractive for men is this: in the movies the women are always ready to perform and receptive to a man, and he never has to face the possibility of rejection.

    When a man is aroused he is at his most vulnerable state. I would like to compare this sensitivity in man to a time when you as a woman really feel like you want to share some of your most vulnerable feelings. If he would at that time say no, I don’t care to listen to you right now, I am busy, it could really hurt.

    So to maintain his attraction to you, much more important than your raw looks, is to try be open and receptive to him sexually when he is aroused and he wants you. And when you for whatever reason are not in the mood or don’t want to do it, at least be sensitive about it and say something like: “Honey, I would really really love to and I can’t wait, and I promise, how about if we do it tomorrow”.
    .-= Mikko Kemppe – Relationship Coach´s last blog …Is HE the One, or What? See What My Friend Lauren Says! =-.

  • http://www.hypnosis-sleep.com Maik

    beforewisdom, are you sure that vegetarians don’t eat fish ??
    Good article btw… 😉
    .-= Maik´s last blog …hypnotize to sleep =-.