I Nailed A Chick Other Than My Girlfriend

I presume your gf knows about this other bang session? Because if not, and if she hasn’t agreed to your version of the relationship, then you’re a lying cheating scumbag, no matter how you want to rationalize or explain it any other way.

Yes, safe and consensual, for ALL parties, including your gf.

What angie said.

I agree with you that a social norm expecting monogamy is unrealistic, impractical and even unnatural in many situations. Good thing we all have the choice whether to promise monogamy or not to the people we’re with. So long as you’re dealing in honesty, no big deal. If the point of this post was, “It was so awesome to cheat and it had no ill effects!” and the truth is that you can’t tell your gf, because this isn’t something she’s *already* ok with (not something you’re still figuring out how to bring up with her), then you’re simply being an immature asshole.

I totally dig this. *thumbs up* Except for the whole potential lying thing IF you’ve had the “exclusive” talk.
.-= kiera´s last blog …Stargazing =-.

Good lord! This post is just outlandish! It’s like one of those horrific traffic accidents that you just have to look at even though it’s repulsive. I don’t even know how to begin talking about such absurdities!

Fucking someone other than your gf is no big deal…except… your relationship now has a big ol’ lie in it, and that lie will prevent you from ever being totally close to Heather. Oops, blew that one. I am 200% certain that you guys will break up in the near future.

And that assertion you profess to believe in, about the separation between good companion vs great fuck? How you can’t find it all in one person? Some people are just unlucky, I guess, either that, or really screwed up. Granted you can’t find EVERYTHING, but some people can find almost everthing, specifically, great sex and great companion.

You might have some intimacy issues. I used to feel the way you do.

Lance,

You are pretty young still. There is absolutely a way to find someone that offers you almost everything you need or want. You are settling, making yourself conform to society, society isn’t making you do anything.
I have to agree with the other posters, if you haven’t told Heather, you are cheating on her and NOW you have taken away her free will by not allowing her to make confrom consent about her own body and life. So not okay. Be honest, live openly, live with dignity by allowing others to have theirs.
In many ways you have just raped your gf. You have taken from her aspects of life she can not repair, trust, truth, choice…
Here’s hoping you have a clean penis and you haven’t given her a lifetime partner she didn’t want or ask for in some form of std.
YOU are young, but old enough to live with enough self-worth to be HONEST.

Curious how this works; under Honeys’ name it says she posted on this thread but there doesn’t appear to be a post from her. I posted and it also does not show up. Anyone?

I think you aren’t being honest with yourself about how you really feel about Heather. If you were totally in tune with her and only wanted to be with her, there wouldn’t be a 500 mile rule. And if you’re not totally in tune with her, and OK with that – she should know, so she can have her own 500 mile rule.
.-= dadshouse´s last blog …The Bachelorette =-.

I read this, and then I read this:

http://honeyandlance.com/pick-your-path-and-take-it-to-the-max

and I think, what happened? How can you be the same person?
.-= Honey´s last blog …I Nailed A Chick Other Than My Girlfriend =-.

I disagree with dadshouse on some level. I do think that Lance is not fully in tune with Heather (see his prior post on the sex life).

That said: There *are* people who are completely capable of separating sex from intimacy. The “If you really only wanted someone and were in tune with them, you wouldn’t want to have a 500 mile rule” is the stuff of romantic comedy movies, not reality. People have different personality types, love styles, romance styles. The fact that some people feel a strong fidelity when they are connected to someone romantically denies the very real experience for other people, who do not experience feelings and intimacy this way. These are real differences in how people perceive the world and experience it. Some people can feel 100% geniune intimacy and love for one person, while being able to have great inconsequential sex with others. It is not just “intimacy issues.”

Beyond that, Lance’s “epiphany” that maybe there is no such thing as great sex in the context of great companionship is also patently false. Quite a fair share of people are able to experience both in the same relationship. The fact that he hasn’t here doesn’t make it non-existent either. If his goal is to find a companion with whom he is fully compatible with – both inside AND outside of the bedroom (and that may include an open relationship when it comes to sex) – then he ought to keep looking for it. It does exist. Acting like it can’t, because he doesn’t have it, is fox + sour grapes, plain and simple.

And while I get the harsh responses, I also think that the strong language equating Lance’s behavior to rape or abuse belittles what constitutes true rape or abuse. Shitty behavior in the form of lying and cheating (if that’s what happened here) is neither actual rape nor abuse.

Playing pop psychologist for one minute, I’d say Lance deliberately had sex – whether consciously or not – just to sabotage the relationship with Heather. He proved his sexy mojo still works (so it really is HER in the bedroom). Now he has the option of telling her he cheated (so she can break up with him or stay with him while not trusting him, sowing the seeds for a future break-up) or he can lie to her, which protects her, and then eventually ease out of the relationship because he feels guilty for hiding the lie (and continued cheating that WILL most certainly happen).

Lying protects her? That’s got enough behind it that it needs it’s own thread.

Prefacing what is going to come off as a harsh post… I think I would really enjoy meeting and hanging out with Lance. I could easily be his friend if he could handle the teasing. I would not be able to keep a straight face while I watched his antics as he goes in for the kill. But I would no doubt LIKE HIM. I would also hold to my thoughts and feelings on this issue. I did not save myself for marriage, I have had probably more sexual partners than most, I have always just chosen to be open and honest about my sexual life with anyone that I would or may have sex with. Any less is deceitful and wrong for me. I would even be sure to tell someone… “Hey, you realize this is just a one time gig, right?” or at the other spectrum if there is a real interest in more, that is said too to be sure I am not at the end of the one and done.
None of what I have written is meant to be an attack on Lance.

There are different levels of rape and abuse. Surely you can think outside the box a bit. It doesn’t belittle anyone or any action. I have heard friends say they were raped, no penile penetration happened, many it was digital or object penetration. I believe you have belittled what cheating does to the victim, and yes she is now a victim as she no doubt believes Lance is the only one she is having sex with, which is not the case. Lance had sex, probably oral sex also, that puts Heather at risk for multiple health risks and issues. When she gets a yeast infection or an std, would you still consider it not rape? I think too many people like to minimize so that their behaviors are not held to a degree of being respectful of oneself or others. It’s rape.
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Historically, rape was defined as unlawful sexual intercourse with a woman against her will. The essential elements of the crime were sexual penetration, force, and lack of consent. Women who were raped were expected to have physically resisted to the utmost of their powers or their assailant would not be convicted of rape. Additionally, a husband could have sex with his wife against her will without being charged with rape. Beginning in the 1970s, state legislatures and courts expanded and redefined the crime of rape to reflect modern notions of equality and legal propriety.

As of the early 2000s, all states define rape without reference to the sex of the victim and the perpetrator. Though the overwhelming majority of rape victims are women, a woman may be convicted of raping a man, a man may be convicted of raping a man, and a woman may be convicted of raping another woman. Furthermore, a spouse may be convicted of rape if the perpetrator forces the other spouse to have nonconsensual sex. Many states do not punish the rape of a spouse as severely as the rape of a non-spouse.

Many states also have redefined lack of consent. Before the 1970s, many courts viewed the element of force from the standpoint of the victim. A man would not be convicted of rape of a competent woman unless she had demonstrated some physical resistance. In the absence of physical resistance, courts usually held that the sexual act was consensual. In the early 2000s in many states, the prosecution can prove lack of consent by presenting evidence that the victim objected verbally to the sexual penetration or sexual intrusion.

Lack of consent is a necessary element in every rape. But this qualifier does not mean that a person may make sexual contact with a minor or incapacitated person who actually consented. Lack of consent may result from either forcible compulsion by the perpetrator or an incapacity to consent on the part of the victim. Persons who are physically or mentally helpless or who are under a certain age in relation to the perpetrator are deemed legally incapable of consenting to sex.

Most states choose to label the crime of rape as sexual assault. Sexual assault is divided into degrees: first-, second-, third-, and fourth-degree sexual assault. West Virginia provides an illustration of how rape laws are typically written. In West Virginia, a person is guilty of sexual assault in the first degree when that person engages in sexual intercourse or sexual intrusion with another person and either inflicts serious bodily injury upon anyone or employs a deadly weapon in the commission of the act (W. Va. Code § 61-8B-3 [1996]). Additionally, a person age 14 years or older who engages in sexual intercourse or sexual intrusion with another person who is 11 years old or less is guilty of first-degree sexual assault. A person convicted of the crime of first-degree sexual assault in West Virginia faces imprisonment for at least 15 years and not more than 35 years and may be fined from $1,000 to $10,000.

In West Virginia, a person commits sexual assault in the second degree by engaging in sexual intercourse or sexual intrusion with another person without that person’s consent, and the lack of consent results from forcible compulsion. Forcible compulsion is (1) physical force that overcomes such earnest resistance as might reasonably be expected under the circumstances; (2) threat or intimidation, either express or implied, placing the victim or another person in fear of death, bodily injury, or Kidnapping; or (3) fear by a person under 16 years of age caused by intimidation by another person who is at least four years older than the victim.

Another way to commit second-degree sexual assault in West Virginia is to engage in sexual intercourse or sexual intrusion with someone who is physically helpless. The punishment for second-degree sexual assault is imprisonment for at least ten years but not more than 25 years and may include a fine of from $1,000 to $10,000.

http://legal-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/rape
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Fine, Lance can screw whomever he wants… he really can and many won’t even hold him accountable for it. I would. I always ask, when is the last time you were with someone and have you had a recent std test. Heather is not given a choice and Lance and Nailed Chick are or should be held as accountable, IF Heather has health consequences, as if they came at her with a weapon. It’s a good cause for civil litigation. Now, as for the mental abuse of not knowing that Lance is not honest and is cheating, that is as disturbing and I believe should be on level with any physical issues.

I do agree that Lance seems to want Heather to have to end the relationship that he isn’t quite happy with, a trait also of someone that can’t be honest is also someone that is generally going through life avoiding conflict. Which is counter productive, being honest could help not just Lance but many go through life with a certain ease that their live doesn’t currently have. My 50 cents. More to come.

Thanks Honey…

I wrote a long response, will wait for that to show.

Yes, I think it’s abuse also. I received my first ever yeast infection from a cheating husband and my first case of PTSD from it. It’s certainly an issue for me now, but even at 17 I was honest enough not to be a liar and minimize it. IT really does make life better and easier.

From a mans stand point, my 17 y/o boyfriend recently contacted me… 30 years later and he still had feelings about a guy that told him many times I had also slept with him, meaning I had cheated on Rich with Danny. It was not true. 30 years later and this man still wanted to know the truth. Cheating matters at any age, it is destructive at any age. Why do it? There is no reason, no excuse, no justification.

Everyone calm down. I’m willing to bet every commenter here has been cheated on and has cheated. It’s neither rape nor abuse. Douchebaggy behavior? Sure. But it’s just sex and we shouldn’t get so bent out of shape by sex, which was part of my point.

@Dadshouse, Heather can definitely have the 500 mile rule. In fact, if we can establish certain boundaries I’m willing to concede a zero mile rule, where she can have another local partner in order to fulfill her fantasies.

I’m working through a very complicated relationship dilemma with this one and me screwing another chick was part of putting together the puzzle. I did it on purpose and with full knowledge of what I was doing.

Abuse of Trust in Relationships: Preventing Infidelity of a …
Adultery is no joke. Every day cheating men and cheating women destroy innocent lives. Affairs occur because selfish thrill-seekers lack communication skills.
abuse.suite101.com/…/abuse_of_trust_in_relationships – 50k –

http://abuse.suite101.com/article.cfm/abuse_of_trust_in_relationships

You can minimize. it’s what you have to do for now. Cheating, lying and using people is abuse, period.

Anyhow, I can disagree with you. You can disagree with me. I call your minimizing cheating and lying and making Heather your puppet Douchbag behavior a cop-out.

http://spiritual-growth.suite101.com/article.cfm/bringing_stability_the_mind_body

Will be great to find out if you start your conversation with “Heather, I have already cheated on you because you are so vanilla in bed, but hey, let’s ignore that, can we have an open relationship? (ha!) Oh, and I don’t mind if you screw other men”. Lance, seriously?

BTW, I am very calm while writing, also generally smiling. Vivid imagination too…
I pictured screaming male whore alert as you walk into your next bar. Would you laugh or be mortified?

I agree with Lance.

Sex without attachment is not a crime. Neither is non-monogamy. If. If everyone involved knows what is going on and is fine with it.

Lance, the questions you have to ask yourself are how would you feel if the GF just did the same thing? Do you feel comfortable shooting your GF a link to this blog?
.-= beforewisdom´s last blog …Ligting A Tiny Candle =-.

Hey Lance;

It seems like a lot of people commenting on this thread do not think highly of your recent actions.

Many people do things that they both regret and that are shitty to other people.

Cheer up. At least you aren’t flooding the Gulf with thousands of barrels of oil per day.

Decide what you think the right thing is and clean up the mess the best way you can.
.-= beforewisdom´s last blog …Ligting A Tiny Candle =-.

Hey Lance, just to clarify, I think you should answer the following questions:

Are you in a exclusive relationship with your girlfriend?

Have you told your girlfriend that you had sex with some girl recently?

Cause if you aren’t in a exclusive relationship, you’re free to have sex with anybody you want. But if you are, what’s the point of being a man of your word? If you had to have fantastic, Zone of Fucking sex, why not dump the girl first, then have ZoF sex with other girls.

It sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it too. Why aren’t you just owning it.

And if you are in a exclusive relationship, why don’t you just tell your girlfriend that you had sex with another girl. Because you’ll probably lose her? Put yourself in her shoes… she’s already committed to you, she wants a relationship with you, she’s not out there having sex with other men… Like Honey said, you’re taking all the choices away from her. Relationships take two, and it’s not all about you.

For the record, I think it’s not cool what you did (assuming, of course, that you’re in a exclusive relationship).

And you have to admit, saying stuff like “even though I banged this one girl and had fantastic sex, it just made me appreciate my girlfriend that much more” is pretty messed up. Seriously.

I kind of wonder if it’s the orgasm thing you’re getting hooked on, since she’s not having a orgasm through sex. I would say that bringing the woman in your life to orgasm over and over is definitely a awesome feeling, and it makes you feel like you’re the man, and if you’re not doing that, expecially if you’ve had a lot of previous experience, that would, to use the vernacular, suck.

Hmm. I think the bottom line here is, some people are into monogamy, and others are not. Some people cannot fathom the notion of being with one mate for the rest of their lives, while others actively seek it out.

Everybody is different. Sweeping generalisations in the vein of ‘humankind is not meant to be monogamous’ are garbage – why else are there so many people (men as well as women!!) who still want to be with a partner for life? Some succeed, some don’t, but they’re still after it.

As such, Lance if you had any integrity (which I used to think you had, reading some of your older posts) you should’ve come clean to Heather that you wanted to be in an open relationship, or at least, that you wanted to have sex with somebody else BEFORE you did it. If she’s a monogamous person and you’re not, you’ll have crushed her world when (not if) she finds out.

It’s fine to want to be in an open relationship. It’s not fine to hide that fact from your partner before embarking on one.

Two cents = out

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20100624/od_nm/us_diseases_swingers

jeez.

How stupid can you get?

Yeah, sex is great. It feels good. But compare that to that moment when you’re making coffee and _she_ emerges, padding into the kitchen, her grey clingy pajamas. And you melt. Oh, that smile.

Then you sit on the balcony, quiet, content. Head on shoulder.

All your “porn moves”, glad you learned well. Sex isn’t sex, not when it can hurt.

Fuck you and your “amazing” sex with your 20-orgasm slut (only 20?).

I’ll take the quiet moment. The gentle nudge. The knowing.

This comment in an article on porn (http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/jul/02/gail-dines-pornography) reminded me of some comments you have made abouth Heather:

“I have found that the earlier men use porn,” says Dines, “the more likely they are to have trouble developing close, intimate relationships with real women. Some of these men prefer porn to sex with an actual human being. They are bewildered, even angry, when real women don’t want or enjoy porn sex.”

The thing is, porn-like sex is not an inherently good thing, just like not all people like chocolate or ice cream or cheese. Not all women, or even all men, enjoy the same kind of sex. Maybe you can figure out a compromise with Heather, maybe sex to you is too important to compromise on. No one knows except you.

Just my personal experience: I love my boyfriend, but I definitely wouldn’t have trusted him enough after six months of dating to let him have anal sex with me. For me, it has taken years to build the trust to let him entirely have his way with me. Now we very much enjoy it. So, if she’s willing to talk to you, to think about it, maybe she’s worth waiting for and (slowly!) trying to get her comfortable about the porntastic sex?

With words and cuddling preferably, instead of trying to slip it to her without noticing, as I remember from a previous post. If my boyfriend had tried that on me, that would have been it. No more trust, no more sex. My body is mine and I decide who gets to stick what where.

Quiet moments are nice, especially if they make you melt. But I’m not going to melt much if the sex sucks. YOu need balance in a relationship. And when it’s clicking, the monogomy for me comes naturally.
.-= dadshouse´s last blog …Female Cop Turns My Head =-.

Lance, How have your talks been going with g/f?

Having a few dating dilemmas myself. Men that say they understand that I am just not emotionally available at this time, but then they act as if we are in a relationship; mushy sentiments, wine sent to my room, maybe a few too many texts. How much warning is fair warning when honestly stating, I am just not in a place for an involvement?
Seems to me times have changed, men want commitment and involvement and now I want a FB and take it from there.
While it is nice to be wined and dined, it’s claustrphoic to have ‘them’ seem to NEED more…

Sounds like guys just can’t win. If they want sex, they’re players. If they want a relationship, they’re wimps. As I get older (mid-40s) I’ve noticed that the men I’ve gotten out with are more sensitive and mature and what’s wrong with that? They’re also a lot better in bed than boys in their 20s and even 30s. There are alwaays those guys who propose on a first date usually after a couple drinks and those guys you stay away from. Not every relationship has to last forever but if you don’t feel some sort of commitment and protection and affection in the early stages then what’s that say about the sexual chemistry? I don’t think you can separate chemistry from personal attraction and communication. And that adds up to trust.

Having a FB as a form of heightened masturbation, there’s nothing “wrong” with it, but I don’t think many people are really emotionally able to deal with non-exclusive arrangements.

I like being able to trust the guy I’m sleeping with and I like being treated well by him. I love the feeling that I’m special in his eyes. I tried a no-strings just-sex thing once for a few months. Sex was great the first few times but it started to get sort of dull and technical quickly. That can happen in any relationship but there was a sort of emptiness about it that I’d never felt before. I think we both began to despise each other. There was no jealousy or clinginess. I honestly didn’t care if he saw someone else. But i didn’t feel special and I didn’t see him as special and that made the whole thing feel cheap.

The pic that accompanies this post GETS ON MY NERVES OMG.
.-= The Beautiful Kind´s last blog …You Are The Beautiful Kind- Luna =-.

So, has there been any updates on this, Lance?

I guess what it is for me- I am still feeling out what ‘this person’ or the next person may be to me and they seem to already be in love or are already trying to figure out how to integrate in anyway at all or in too many ways.
After this last episode I have decided that I need to just keep moving, if someone appears to have fallen that fast or want to move forward fast enough that it makes me uncomfortable, I need to just state it and move on. That’s what I have done.

As for just a FB, that would actually be nice for me. I keep an open mind to that also and will certainly have ground rules when the opportunity presents itself.

Thanks for the link, Lance, I will look through it.

I confess to a one night stand last week while traveling.

The FB business, be careful what you wish for. Maybe you can handle it, but I couldn’t. It took awhile to sink in but I realized later that I was sort of proud that I kept myslef “clean” from unemotional sex. Pride isn’t the right word but it’s close enough. All of my relationships before and since have been based on exclusivity and trust and friendship. The relationship I’m in now was nearly torn apart becaue I had to be honest and admit I had been in an FB thing. He was and has been understanding but it was a real blow to his impression of me. Hard to explain. All I can say is that it simply wasn’t worth it. The sex with the FB was good but it didn’t sparkle.

Its weird but I almost feel like I would have been more honest if I hadn’t “confessed”. Its all ok now and it’s not an issue but I realized that facts aren’t the same as honesty. Your partner deserves to know everything about you that makes you who you are. If you do sometihng that you regret in retrospect and that you don’t think represents you and that isn’t a threat and that you barely even think about anymore it means so little then is it honest to reveal it? Sex is important and it can sting. My stupid FB thing didn’t sting me as much as it did my current boyfriend. That doesn’t seem fair.

Wow, I’m amazed by the openness of your post. Not often do you see people who talk about cheating in such an open and honest way. I’m glad that you enjoyed the experience and that it didn’t change anything for you in terms of what you feel for Heather. I’m curious to know, do you really think your thoughts and feelings about monogamy and sex apply to every man around?
.-= Alison @ Femita´s last blog …Why Men Cheat On Their Wives And How To Prevent It =-.

Alison, thanks for reading and commenting. I use this blog so I can be open and honest about my feelings on relationships and sex. As to the second part of your question, I’m in a tiny minority of people who feel the way I do about monogamy and will admit to it, but I believe every man (and women to a certain extant) are capable of enjoying multiple partners. Consider that we can have multiple partners in serial, ie one after the other, sometime within days of a breakup. Why not have them overlap? If it’s safe and consensual, it’s a healthier way to live.

This post is funny, it goes to show how even men are tipping into the feminine way of thinking. You cheat on your girlfriend for an ‘experience’ and then ‘analyze’ your ‘feelings’ about it after the fact, to which you conclude that there is nothing wrong with it because you don’t ‘feel’ differently toward her! lol! Honesty, commitment, honor, sticking to your word, resolve, fidelity, sacrifice, all the masculine traits that throughout western history men have tried to impose on women are being tossed into the gutter for ‘the experience’, ‘self-fulfillment’ and all the other euphemisms women use to describe what they really want – the freedom to fuck whoever they want whenever they want without recourse.

Western civilization is truly doomed. The end result of this attitude change is going to be the nigger ghetto on a large scale. A matriarchy where men compete with each other not through character and achievement, not through dedication to long term goals and sacrifice to the greater good, but through petty attention seeking, vain egotism, debauchery and criminality and all the other debasements that women are so attracted to.