I Nailed A Chick Other Than My Girlfriend

I nailed this chick the other weekend who wasn’t my girlfriend. I couldn’t help it, I needed to have a killer bang session, something I haven’t had since I started dating Heather over six months ago. This was an all-time showstopper, a 20 orgasm affair that was basically an unfilmed porno, that lasted until early in the morning, and left both of us exhausted. I loved every second of it.

Here’s how it went down. I’ve been stringing along this mediocre chick, who I referenced in this post here, via text message for a couple of weeks. Well, Friday night rolled around, I was already out with my boys, and I texted her to see if she wanted to meet for drinks. No problem, she was at a bar with friends, come on over. I showed up by myself, socialized with all of her friends (and hit on the female ones), flirted with her the appropriate amount, then took her home at the end of the night and fucked her silly. Except for a couple of text messages, I haven’t talked to her since.

My feelings about Heather remain completely unchanged after this incident. We went to dinner two nights after the pickup and had a great time, as usual, and our connection and our vibe was good as ever. The sex was the same, too, pretty vanilla.

What does this mean? I’ve been analyzing this a lot since it happened. It feels like this: it feels like I met a crazy club chick while on vacation, got drunk, fucked her, then flew home the next day and never talked to her again. Came back to reality and everything was completely normal. It’s possible only the men in the audience will understand this, but it’s like the 500 mile rule. Lots of guys joke about the 500 mile rule (aka the international rule). If it happens outside of 500 miles, it doesn’t count. If it happens a state away it doesn’t count. If it happens overseas, it doesn’t count. Ever heard of that? This incident felt exactly like the 500 mile rule, except without the inconvenience (or convenience) of the distance.

I already knew this, but I’ll say it again. I am fully capable of having sex with someone other than my girlfriend who I’m in love with and not have it take away from my relationship. There is a complete separation there. In fact, after this happened, I was left thinking, what’s the big deal? It’s just sex. Why get all bent out of shape about it?

Interestingly, I’m completely incompatible with the Mediocre Chick, even repelled by her, especially in a relationship sense. I don’t even like her very much. But the sex was EXTREMELY awesome. This had the weird side affect of making me appreciate Heather more because of her extraordinary qualities as a companion. It also gave me this insidious thought: perhaps being great at sex also means you’re only okay (or worse) as a relationship partner? Is there something to that? Does having a high sex drive and prioritizing good sex prevent us from being great companions?

The conclusion I’m drawing from this latest experience: No one person can or should be everything for you. I think that’s a ridiculous notion. I think it’s absurd that the social norm is monogamy, especially at my age. We will always have fantasies and desires and needs that one particular person can’t fulfill. There’s plenty of great sex partners around. If it’s safe and consensual, I don’t see a problem. I say have two (or more) girlfriends, one who is a great companion, and the other who is a great sex partner. Ladies, I think you need to get over the fact that your man needs to occasionally fuck other chicks. In return, we’ll let you have other partners and sexual experiences in order to fulfill your fantasies.

I know I can’t fulfill every need for my partner(s). I’ve proven that several times over and it’s even true at the sexual level. I’m certain I don’t fulfill all of Heather’s fantasies, and it could very well be part of the problem why she doesn’t orgasm from sex. Her unconscious notion of a deeply erotic partner isn’t Lance, for whatever reasons. BUT, I’m a great companion for Heather and we get along splendidly. Do you throw that away because the sex isn’t good? Or do you come up with a solution?

I’d be totally okay if she wanted to bang some other dudes to fulfill her fantasies. In fact, I want to encourage that. Now I just have to figure out how to set this up so we can both get what we want.

  • Jax

    Lance, How have your talks been going with g/f?

    Having a few dating dilemmas myself. Men that say they understand that I am just not emotionally available at this time, but then they act as if we are in a relationship; mushy sentiments, wine sent to my room, maybe a few too many texts. How much warning is fair warning when honestly stating, I am just not in a place for an involvement?
    Seems to me times have changed, men want commitment and involvement and now I want a FB and take it from there.
    While it is nice to be wined and dined, it’s claustrphoic to have ‘them’ seem to NEED more…

  • http://honeyandlance.com Lance

    Lol, little role reversal there. If you just want a FB I would lay down the law and establish your rules. The thing about a real FB relationship is you can’t have it both ways, or at least have it both ways and make it work well. With an FB you have to cut out all romantics and mushiness and really watch what you say. No more delivered wine and discourage communication except for the 1-2 FB hookups you have per week.

    One of my favorite bloggers, The Over-Educated Nympho, has a good page of FB rules. I recommend following them: http://theovereducatednympho.com/2006/09/25/the-rules-of-fuck-buddies-in-detail/
    .-= Lance´s last blog …There Are More Women At Work And This Is Why =-.

  • terri

    Sounds like guys just can’t win. If they want sex, they’re players. If they want a relationship, they’re wimps. As I get older (mid-40s) I’ve noticed that the men I’ve gotten out with are more sensitive and mature and what’s wrong with that? They’re also a lot better in bed than boys in their 20s and even 30s. There are alwaays those guys who propose on a first date usually after a couple drinks and those guys you stay away from. Not every relationship has to last forever but if you don’t feel some sort of commitment and protection and affection in the early stages then what’s that say about the sexual chemistry? I don’t think you can separate chemistry from personal attraction and communication. And that adds up to trust.

    Having a FB as a form of heightened masturbation, there’s nothing “wrong” with it, but I don’t think many people are really emotionally able to deal with non-exclusive arrangements.

    I like being able to trust the guy I’m sleeping with and I like being treated well by him. I love the feeling that I’m special in his eyes. I tried a no-strings just-sex thing once for a few months. Sex was great the first few times but it started to get sort of dull and technical quickly. That can happen in any relationship but there was a sort of emptiness about it that I’d never felt before. I think we both began to despise each other. There was no jealousy or clinginess. I honestly didn’t care if he saw someone else. But i didn’t feel special and I didn’t see him as special and that made the whole thing feel cheap.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Yeah, that was pretty much my experience when dating as well, though I think it was because I met guys on dating sites. It’s pretty tough to say you’re not there for a relationship if that’s what the site is aiming to promote – I see now I was sending mixed signals but then I found Craigslist and AFF creepy so I didn’t know how to resolve it for the longest time.
    .-= Honey´s last blog …There Are More Women At Work And This Is Why =-.

  • http://www.thebeautifulkind.com The Beautiful Kind

    The pic that accompanies this post GETS ON MY NERVES OMG.
    .-= The Beautiful Kind´s last blog …You Are The Beautiful Kind- Luna =-.

  • Mr. R

    So, has there been any updates on this, Lance?

  • Jax

    I guess what it is for me- I am still feeling out what ‘this person’ or the next person may be to me and they seem to already be in love or are already trying to figure out how to integrate in anyway at all or in too many ways.
    After this last episode I have decided that I need to just keep moving, if someone appears to have fallen that fast or want to move forward fast enough that it makes me uncomfortable, I need to just state it and move on. ;) That’s what I have done.

    As for just a FB, that would actually be nice for me. I keep an open mind to that also and will certainly have ground rules when the opportunity presents itself.

    Thanks for the link, Lance, I will look through it.

    I confess to a one night stand last week while traveling. ;)

  • terri

    The FB business, be careful what you wish for. Maybe you can handle it, but I couldn’t. It took awhile to sink in but I realized later that I was sort of proud that I kept myslef “clean” from unemotional sex. Pride isn’t the right word but it’s close enough. All of my relationships before and since have been based on exclusivity and trust and friendship. The relationship I’m in now was nearly torn apart becaue I had to be honest and admit I had been in an FB thing. He was and has been understanding but it was a real blow to his impression of me. Hard to explain. All I can say is that it simply wasn’t worth it. The sex with the FB was good but it didn’t sparkle.

    Its weird but I almost feel like I would have been more honest if I hadn’t “confessed”. Its all ok now and it’s not an issue but I realized that facts aren’t the same as honesty. Your partner deserves to know everything about you that makes you who you are. If you do sometihng that you regret in retrospect and that you don’t think represents you and that isn’t a threat and that you barely even think about anymore it means so little then is it honest to reveal it? Sex is important and it can sting. My stupid FB thing didn’t sting me as much as it did my current boyfriend. That doesn’t seem fair.

  • starthrower68

    Yet another good reason to opt out of dating and relationships and remain blithe. Keep up the good work, Lance! I’m pretty much convinced that if this is what’s out there, I want no part of it.

  • http://www.femita.com Alison @ Femita

    Wow, I’m amazed by the openness of your post. Not often do you see people who talk about cheating in such an open and honest way. I’m glad that you enjoyed the experience and that it didn’t change anything for you in terms of what you feel for Heather. I’m curious to know, do you really think your thoughts and feelings about monogamy and sex apply to every man around?
    .-= Alison @ Femita´s last blog …Why Men Cheat On Their Wives And How To Prevent It =-.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Lance

    Alison, thanks for reading and commenting. I use this blog so I can be open and honest about my feelings on relationships and sex. As to the second part of your question, I’m in a tiny minority of people who feel the way I do about monogamy and will admit to it, but I believe every man (and women to a certain extant) are capable of enjoying multiple partners. Consider that we can have multiple partners in serial, ie one after the other, sometime within days of a breakup. Why not have them overlap? If it’s safe and consensual, it’s a healthier way to live.

  • asdf

    This post is funny, it goes to show how even men are tipping into the feminine way of thinking. You cheat on your girlfriend for an ‘experience’ and then ‘analyze’ your ‘feelings’ about it after the fact, to which you conclude that there is nothing wrong with it because you don’t ‘feel’ differently toward her! lol! Honesty, commitment, honor, sticking to your word, resolve, fidelity, sacrifice, all the masculine traits that throughout western history men have tried to impose on women are being tossed into the gutter for ‘the experience’, ‘self-fulfillment’ and all the other euphemisms women use to describe what they really want – the freedom to fuck whoever they want whenever they want without recourse.

    Western civilization is truly doomed. The end result of this attitude change is going to be the nigger ghetto on a large scale. A matriarchy where men compete with each other not through character and achievement, not through dedication to long term goals and sacrifice to the greater good, but through petty attention seeking, vain egotism, debauchery and criminality and all the other debasements that women are so attracted to.

  • arjun

    fuck a guy and get a life, gay!

    you know why girls aren’t happy today? because there is not enough real men these days.