How To Destroy Creepiness In Guys (Part 1)

This post was inspired by The Beautiful Kind’s (TBK) blog entitled, Can Creepy Men Be Cured? Before I jump into it, I want to say that I’m a major fan of TBK, not just because of all the hot sex talk going on over there, but because her advice and perspectives on sex and relationships are edgy and real. She’s like the antithesis of mainstream bullshit relationship advice you find on a 1000 other sites on the net. If you want to keep it real and have fun doing it, subscribe to her blog.

In her post, she describes a creepy guy that basically stalks her and the nerve wracking experience she has with the guy in her car. The second half of the post details what makes a creep and how not to be a creep. I want to offer my perspective on this, since destroying creepiness in guys is a subject near and dear to my heart.

Before I start, here are five points I want to make about creepiness and guys. By the way, I got shredded in the comments section of the Creepy Men post, so if you want to read me getting ripped by a bunch of chicks, head on over…

1. Most guys are not born creeps. Yes, some dudes might have Asperger’s or a bunch of other conditions that screws them up socially, but the great majority of dudes are just regular dudes who are socially awkward, introverted, unskilled, scared of powerful seeming individuals (men and women), unmotivated, undisciplined, lacking confidence, and otherwise haven’t tasted success.

I used to be that guy I just described. I was never called a creep, but I was called every other name in the book: chode, dork, geek, nerd, introvert, wuss, pussy, no game, whatever. There was a long time where talking to hot chicks was terrifying and I went through a stretch where I couldn’t score a date to save my life. Getting a girlfriend of quality was simply out of the question. For your typical chode, and for me, mainstream dating advice is completely useless, because it doesn’t give you the tools or a strategy to get better.

What’s the mainstream advice? Be honest. Be yourself. Be confident. Be a gentleman. Those are platitudes, all completely useless to a dorky guy who has never ever had success with women. It’s like saying to a poor person, “Be wealthy!” Great! How do I do it? Where do I start? You can’t be a confident guy if you have no skills and have never seen success, because you don’t know what it looks like or feels like. You can’t be wealthy if you have no skill at investing and managing finances.

2. Creepiness is not a disease. Contrary to what a lot of folks think, creepiness is not a disease, something that invades our bodies. It is a state of being we fall into because of years of suffering socially combined with the reasons I mentioned in #1 above. Look at the title of TBK’s post, Can Creepy Men Be Cured? Creepiness isn’t a physical state (although it certainly effects your body language and appears physical). I’ll tell you something, a lot of guys think that bitchiness and sluttiness is a disease, also, and that’s not true, either. These are states of mind and spirit and they can be changed and re-conceptualized.

3. Being attractive requires a skill set and a skill set can be acquired and improved upon. Some people, ie “Naturals,” are naturally attractive and naturally successful in socially competitive environments. In TBK’s blog, I believe her partner Beast is like this. The majority of men are NOT naturally adept socially. Probably every male reader of this blog is not a Natural.

I am no Natural, although I have a small degree of natural ability (everyone has some). I taught myself the principles of attractiveness by reading PUA literature, talking to people, doing 1000+ approaches, and going on multiple dozens of dates the past three years. I also re-purposed these skills into my professional life, which gave me more practice and another context to place the skills and concepts into. The past two jobs I’ve gotten I scored because I made myself exceptionally attractive on paper and in interviews. I wouldn’t be exaggerating at all when I say that studying pickup has improved every facet of my life, from sex to social to professional.

Compared to other pickup artists I’m pretty average, but compared to regular Joes I am perceived as very good at meeting and attracting women. I’m also very good at converting my dates into girlfriends, if I choose too, and that requires a whole other set of skills. I’m pretty good in the bedroom, not the best, but still another set of skills I had to work on the last few years. All of this stuff can be learned.

All of my success is driven by skill. Without those skills, which I worked on hard, I’d be nowhere. I would rarely get dates, rarely get laid, and rarely have relationships with women of quality. I would wilt in the competitive dating arena and turn into a creep. I also wouldn’t have the professional opportunities I’ve had.

4. Some PUA material is shitty. True. A lot of it is poorly written and shittily marketed. A lot of it is written specifically for dudes who are frustrated and angry because they never had the opportunity to date or even get within spitting distance of a truly attractive women. Some guys can’t get laid, ever, and that makes them crazy, depressed, suicidal. It makes them creepy. PUA material taps into this pathos. It’s a way to get into the game, quickly, and get results. Are there negatives? Absolutely.

If you can get past the negatives, a lot of the material is  cutting edge stuff on attraction science and social artistry. I like to think that anyone who is an intelligent, critical thinker will easily be able to filter the good from the bad. I read and listened to everything I could get my hands on and kept the ideas that had value and dismissed the bullshit. It’s not that hard.

5. Social environments are competitive. FACT. We are competing with each other to find better mates, cuter girlfriends, taller boyfriends, richer husbands, healthier wives. There’s no way around it. If you’re single and dating, you’re in a highly competitive game. It is, in my mind, the oldest sport on the planet. We can embrace this fact with a sense of humor or reject it and denigrate the players of the game, but that doesn’t change the fact that the game exists and we are in it like it or not. I chose to play the game and play it well. When I know the rules and the ways to win, I can play with integrity and respect for the game. Respecting the game is respecting our true natures: human.

This is part 1 of 2, be sure to check back later for the next post on destroying creepiness in guys. I you liked this post, you might also like these fine posts:

  • The Beautiful Kind

    Thanks for the props, Lance!

    1. Funny pic!

    2. Beast IS a natural – he was born with his mojo. His dad has mojo and passed it on to him. Oddly, he has two older brothers who did NOT get the mojo, it’s the weirdest thing!

    3. This topic is soo tricky. Due to my lifestyle (sex blog, online dating, sex work, open relationship, etc) I encounter countless men online and in person. I give them chances to prove themselves. Some are genuinely shy or tormented. Some are sooo creepy, either harmless or dangerous. I can tell the difference.

    4. Your behavior should attract women and make them feel comfortable, not repel them. Thanks for trying to tell men how to improve their game. Women really do take things slower in general. One example: it can take a man less than 5 minutes to achieve orgasm, but usually takes a woman at least 20 minutes.

    5. I recommend a book called Intimate Behavior by Desmond Morris.

    If you really want to learn how to be intimate with a woman successfully, you should know the 12 stages of intimacy. A LOT OF MEN I’ve been with jump right to the last few steps and skip a few. This will not foster long lasting intimacy.

    The 12 stages of intimacy mimic a baby/mother relationship, so if someone had a fucked up childhood, this could be affecting their dating skills.

    And just so you know, my man Beast took his time courting me, he drove me crazy, didn’t kiss me for months! He savored each step and made me yearn for the next level, as opposed to just grabbing my tit.
    .-= The Beautiful Kind´s last blog …You Are The Beautiful Kind: The Velvet Lilly =-.

  • dadshouse

    We aren’t all pickup artists. I don’t see why every guy has to be GQ and totally trying to attract women 24/7. To me, THAT is a creepy guy!

    I live in Silicon Valley, and there are a lot of socially awkward people here. Hotties in Miami would probably label them creepy. But they aren’t all creeps – they are super smart, analytical, dependable, responsible men. Sure, there are nerds and dorks – but actually, there are women who like brainy qualities in a guy.

    I’m socially fine, but don’t pretend to be GQ. I don’t always have my “game” on. A hottie modern dancer girlfriend from LA described me as being “understated,” and the most normal guy she ever dated. As for creeps? Some of the guys she went out with who had no problem attracting women were the guys who had porn and gambling and stripper and drug addictions. To which I say – that’s creepy.
    .-= dadshouse´s last blog …Sexy Hookups Make Blogging More Fun =-.

  • Lance

    DM, glad you brought these points up. Not everyone has to be GQ, that’s just personal style. I’m not a GQ kind of guy. I wear jeans and a t-shirt lots, and since I’m in good shape my fitness usually does the talkin’. Always choose a style that’s congruent with your personality and looks.

    I do think that EVERYONE should have some degree of social skill and have the ability to attract and find partners. Sex and love is a basic need and no one should want for it. Sure, some chicks like complete dorks, but it’s a tiny minority. And, don’t those dorks want to get with really cute women, the women that generally don’t find the dorky guy cute? Of course, so they should take care of business and get their game straightened out.
    .-= Lance´s last blog …Microsoft Store Dancing Is Like Watching A Car Accident In Slow Motion =-.

  • Kelloggsville

    What you’ve said all seems to make a lot of sense. I am surprised you say ” I’m pretty good in the bedroom, not the best,” – How do you know?!! What you see outside of personal experience is manufactured so not comparable and if a woman actually said that then she was a bitch and not to be relied on.

    In fairness some men are truly creepy but they are so very very rare. The men that look like they are creepy often lack social skills and need a bit of sprucing up but actually they are often really cool guys and are nicer if left ‘unspruced’ and you really get to know them for who they are. (I work in large IT environment that is 98% male – trust me I know the geeks!!!)

    I read the other post you mentioned with a pinch of salt – it seemed to have been written outside of the ‘normal suburbian’ life zone – but maybe I was unfairly influenced but the pictures!!!

    Personally I think what makes a guy most creepy is he tries to hard, I think a normal natural guy will find a partner if he wants one. But somehow I think that is easier for a woman to say. I get the overall impression that the dating game is much harder for men.

    I enjoyed reading your post tonight and it really gave me food for thought. Thanks
    .-= Kelloggsville´s last blog …Educational Bribery =-.

  • Honey

    I understand why most women wouldn’t say “you’re decent, but not the best” in the bedroom (fear of the guy getting defensive) but considering that MOST guys are probably “decent, but not the best” then I think that a) he’s probably right, and b) how on earth do you propose a guy get that information?

    Though I think sex and what people like is so individual that there’s no way you can say you’re “good” as if it’s a blanket statement that might apply to everyone you might sleep with. Probably the biggest skill you can have in the bedroom is threefold:

    1. Do not assume that anything you’ve done in the past will work with a new partner. 2. Ask what the person wants, experiment in case they’d like something they’ve never tried before, and pay attention to their reactions both verbal and non-verbal for feedback on your performance.
    3. Do not take it personally if they do not like something that you do, or something that you like. Sex is an activity that can be changed, not an absolute judgment on the other human being.
    .-= Honey´s last blog …Microsoft Store Dancing Is Like Watching A Car Accident In Slow Motion =-.

  • Kat Wilder

    All of my success is driven by skill.
    How about, “all of my success is feeling comfortable in my own skin, being genuine and recognizing the talents I bring to the table, the talents I’m working on, and the areas in which I feel fine with things just the way they are even if some people don’t like them?”

    Being attractive isn’t so much about having a skill set as liking yourself and feeling confident about who and what you are. And, of course people can be wealthy without investing/management skills. It’s called luck, right place-right time, Vegas and the Lotto. Or, in the case of someone like Madoff, greed and no moral compass

    If you view life and love as a game, you will only find players.
    .-= Kat Wilder´s last blog …The days of wine and dating =-.