This post was inspired by The Beautiful Kind’s (TBK) blog entitled, Can Creepy Men Be Cured? Before I jump into it, I want to say that I’m a major fan of TBK, not just because of all the hot sex talk going on over there, but because her advice and perspectives on sex and relationships are edgy and real. She’s like the antithesis of mainstream bullshit relationship advice you find on a 1000 other sites on the net. If you want to keep it real and have fun doing it, subscribe to her blog.
In her post, she describes a creepy guy that basically stalks her and the nerve wracking experience she has with the guy in her car. The second half of the post details what makes a creep and how not to be a creep. I want to offer my perspective on this, since destroying creepiness in guys is a subject near and dear to my heart.
Before I start, here are five points I want to make about creepiness and guys. By the way, I got shredded in the comments section of the Creepy Men post, so if you want to read me getting ripped by a bunch of chicks, head on over…
1. Most guys are not born creeps. Yes, some dudes might have Asperger’s or a bunch of other conditions that screws them up socially, but the great majority of dudes are just regular dudes who are socially awkward, introverted, unskilled, scared of powerful seeming individuals (men and women), unmotivated, undisciplined, lacking confidence, and otherwise haven’t tasted success.
I used to be that guy I just described. I was never called a creep, but I was called every other name in the book: chode, dork, geek, nerd, introvert, wuss, pussy, no game, whatever. There was a long time where talking to hot chicks was terrifying and I went through a stretch where I couldn’t score a date to save my life. Getting a girlfriend of quality was simply out of the question. For your typical chode, and for me, mainstream dating advice is completely useless, because it doesn’t give you the tools or a strategy to get better.
What’s the mainstream advice? Be honest. Be yourself. Be confident. Be a gentleman. Those are platitudes, all completely useless to a dorky guy who has never ever had success with women. It’s like saying to a poor person, “Be wealthy!” Great! How do I do it? Where do I start? You can’t be a confident guy if you have no skills and have never seen success, because you don’t know what it looks like or feels like. You can’t be wealthy if you have no skill at investing and managing finances.
2. Creepiness is not a disease. Contrary to what a lot of folks think, creepiness is not a disease, something that invades our bodies. It is a state of being we fall into because of years of suffering socially combined with the reasons I mentioned in #1 above. Look at the title of TBK’s post, Can Creepy Men Be Cured? Creepiness isn’t a physical state (although it certainly effects your body language and appears physical). I’ll tell you something, a lot of guys think that bitchiness and sluttiness is a disease, also, and that’s not true, either. These are states of mind and spirit and they can be changed and re-conceptualized.
3. Being attractive requires a skill set and a skill set can be acquired and improved upon. Some people, ie “Naturals,” are naturally attractive and naturally successful in socially competitive environments. In TBK’s blog, I believe her partner Beast is like this. The majority of men are NOT naturally adept socially. Probably every male reader of this blog is not a Natural.
I am no Natural, although I have a small degree of natural ability (everyone has some). I taught myself the principles of attractiveness by reading PUA literature, talking to people, doing 1000+ approaches, and going on multiple dozens of dates the past three years. I also re-purposed these skills into my professional life, which gave me more practice and another context to place the skills and concepts into. The past two jobs I’ve gotten I scored because I made myself exceptionally attractive on paper and in interviews. I wouldn’t be exaggerating at all when I say that studying pickup has improved every facet of my life, from sex to social to professional.
Compared to other pickup artists I’m pretty average, but compared to regular Joes I am perceived as very good at meeting and attracting women. I’m also very good at converting my dates into girlfriends, if I choose too, and that requires a whole other set of skills. I’m pretty good in the bedroom, not the best, but still another set of skills I had to work on the last few years. All of this stuff can be learned.
All of my success is driven by skill. Without those skills, which I worked on hard, I’d be nowhere. I would rarely get dates, rarely get laid, and rarely have relationships with women of quality. I would wilt in the competitive dating arena and turn into a creep. I also wouldn’t have the professional opportunities I’ve had.
4. Some PUA material is shitty. True. A lot of it is poorly written and shittily marketed. A lot of it is written specifically for dudes who are frustrated and angry because they never had the opportunity to date or even get within spitting distance of a truly attractive women. Some guys can’t get laid, ever, and that makes them crazy, depressed, suicidal. It makes them creepy. PUA material taps into this pathos. It’s a way to get into the game, quickly, and get results. Are there negatives? Absolutely.
If you can get past the negatives, a lot of the material is cutting edge stuff on attraction science and social artistry. I like to think that anyone who is an intelligent, critical thinker will easily be able to filter the good from the bad. I read and listened to everything I could get my hands on and kept the ideas that had value and dismissed the bullshit. It’s not that hard.
5. Social environments are competitive. FACT. We are competing with each other to find better mates, cuter girlfriends, taller boyfriends, richer husbands, healthier wives. There’s no way around it. If you’re single and dating, you’re in a highly competitive game. It is, in my mind, the oldest sport on the planet. We can embrace this fact with a sense of humor or reject it and denigrate the players of the game, but that doesn’t change the fact that the game exists and we are in it like it or not. I chose to play the game and play it well. When I know the rules and the ways to win, I can play with integrity and respect for the game. Respecting the game is respecting our true natures: human.
This is part 1 of 2, be sure to check back later for the next post on destroying creepiness in guys. I you liked this post, you might also like these fine posts: