How to Deal When Things Get Rough
By Honey on Mar 15, 2010 in Life
I won’t lie, peeps. The last month or so has been pretty horrible. I had just given Jake the go-ahead to look for jobs in other states because he’s so miserable and pissed off all the time at his current job that he’s afraid it’s going to be the demise of our relationship. And while I currently have no plans to end things, I know why he’s afraid of that happening – he is terrible at compartmentalizing his anger and so when he’s frustrated he does any of the following:
- Avoids coming home (which he does to spare me his moods but which he doesn’t tell me about until the last second, which leads to me preparing intricate home-cooked meals he’s not around to eat, or me passing on invitations to go out with my own friends and then him calling me at 8 p.m. to say he’s going out, and it’s too late for me to resurrect my own plans),
- Comes home and picks a huge fight with me for basically no reason (like us being out of Propel or me cooking his favorite fish as a surprise for him when apparently he didn’t want fish that day),
- Plays video games for 5+ hours at a time and doesn’t talk to me (he bought a PS3 recently).
He (almost) always apologizes for these things, but it certainly isn’t stopping him from doing it in the first place. We haven’t had sex in almost a month and a couple of times I found myself Googling apartments and hotels because I just didn’t know what to do. (For the record, I still tried to initiate sex – after the fifth or so time he “rainchecked” me I gave up.)
And of course, we had out-of-town guests (his cousin and her boyfriend) for almost a week in the middle of this, and he threw his back out and was in excruciating pain for almost 2 weeks but his doctor would only give him prescription-strength ibuprofen, and no sooner had he decided to look for other jobs than they practically doubled his already terrible workload (he’s been going in on weekends again).
Then last week, he had a HUGE showdown with his supervisor, who had asked Jake to do something that he felt was really ethically sketchy and lo and behold, legal action was almost taken against them and his supervisor tried to throw him under the bus for the whole thing (fortunately there were email records to numerous people documenting Jake’s objections to his supervisor’s plan, and Jake had also refused to sign off on what was produced so his name wasn’t legally associated with it). But it’s hard to find the time to look for another job when you’re already working 80+ hours/week.
I’m not really sure what, if anything, I can do – it’s a hard line for me to tow because the only way I know to not be upset with how I am being treated in all this is to completely distance myself from him emotionally, which I don’t think is the best plan. I already do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking out the trash, and grocery shopping so he doesn’t have to worry about it, and while he thanks me every once in awhile, mostly I think he is too miserable to even notice all the things I do. Anyone else out there been through this?
The Good News
We went bowling on Saturday for a friend’s birthday and had a great time (and I met someone who might turn out to be a friend for me), and then on Sunday we went to the Chandler Ostrich Festival, complete with petting zoo, ostrich racing, carnival food and rides, etc. This is apparently his favorite annual event in the area (he used to go every year but hadn’t been since we started dating), and we had actually the best time that we’ve had in a long time, which was a relief. I also sent him an email last week:
I know that you’ve been in pain lately because of your back and busy because of work, your cousin visiting, etc. I am really glad that we talked the other night and I appreciated your thanks (for all I do) and your apology (for how crazy it’s been the past few weeks).
But the truth is, that the last month or so I have been lonelier and sadder and angrier than I’ve felt in a long time. What I really need is for you to take the lead in planning a romantic date for us that is followed by hot sex. Could we do that?
And he sent me the following reply:
Absolutely baby. Not a problem. It probably won’t be within the next two days because 1) I was super tired this morning and think a day of rest is in order (I have worked the last 6 days straight – remember I went in on Sunday), and 2) tomorrow is the Ostrich Festival, so that probably won’t work either. But early next week looks good! Sorry if I’ve been neglecting my Honey lately…
Love, Jake
So we’ll see how that pans out. In my own personal news, due to not adjusting my withholdings last year when I had furlough, I got a $1500 tax return. I am going to buy a bike (finally!) and a couple of other things I have been putting off (spending probably $350 total), but mostly I threw it at my debt. I finally paid off the only cash advance I ever took out (in 2003, to pay the movers when I came out to AZ because they wouldn’t take a credit card and held my stuff hostage until I brought them cash) thanks to the new CARD act dictating that my payments would go to the highest interest balance first. It also brings my total credit card debt to to just over $2K, so I’m on track to be credit-card-debt-free by this summer. I’m totally stoked!
Also, the Fiji thing fell through…because they are sending me to London for a week instead! It is a four-week study abroad, and I am teaching one of the four weeks (the other 3 folks teaching are tenured faculty, so I’m totally stoked about being asked to do this). I get to determine all the readings and assignments myself, and they are paying for my travel, accommodations, and a $50 per diem for food (and breakfast is covered as part of the accommodations, so that’s only for lunch and dinner). For my portion of the trip/course we are going to Stonehenge, Bath, Oxford, the Wellcome Museum, and the Science Museum, none of which I’ve been to despite having been to London before, so that’s pretty fantastic, though I am a bit nervous about trying to teach undergrads Foucault!
Plus it looks like if Jake wants to go, he can probably stay with me at my accommodations for no extra cost, so for him it would just be the plane ticket and food. Next on the list is seeing if we can fly in early or stay late and spend a couple days in Amsterdam.
How are things in your neck of the woods?
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