How to Act Girlfriendy and Get Guys

So I wanted to write a post that was sort of a wrap-up of a flirtation I had almost a year ago. In this post, where I made out with my co-worker and said the worst line ever, I described a bar makeup with a friend of mine who I had amazing chemistry with. When I say amazing, I was like declaring my undying love inside of 15′. Sure, I was a little drunk, but that doesn’t matter. I completely stopped blogging about her shortly after and she fell out of my real life around Christmas of 2009. I haven’t seen her since. So what happened? As you’ll recall, at the time, she was in a LTR and basically living with her man.

Since our flirtation, she got married and got pregnant!! So that really put the skids on whatever we had.

Anyway, what I wanted to circle back to was this. Nancy had incredible social and emotional intelligence and she had the best natural game of any woman I’ve ever met. She knew instinctively how to behave to attract guys and make them feel awesome, and she knew when to use her skill to get what she wanted. I call this “chick game.” Let me explain.

When I’m out and hanging with girls and I know they are into me, there is a certain set of signals that are the easy tip-offs. Guys, you know what these are. Chicks will grab onto you, hold your arm, hold your hand as you walk through a crowd, maybe grab or feel your chest if you have a nice chest, even brush their boobs against you. In pickup parlance we call these IOI’s, for indicators of interest. These physical IOI’s are like a flare gun to the face. Very obvious, very powerful. Less obvious IOI’s would be the verbal kind, like when chicks throw you compliments or say things that otherwise make you feel good about yourself. Basically, when a chick does all of this stuff, it makes you feel like the man. She’s hot and you’re the center of her attention, which in turns boosts your social value.

When chick acts girlfriendy, 90% of guys will respond positively. Basically,  chicks can get what they want if they play it right: sex, boyfriends, money, drinks, etc. In fact, chicks have to be really careful when they act girlfriendy because the guy will try to hook up with her. If that’s not she wants, she needs to cut it out.

Nancy, my co-worker from above, was a master at this kind of chick game. My Kung-Fu is pretty strong against chick game, but like any other red-blooded male, I respond to the right stimulus. Nancy knew, instinctively, how to push my buttons just right to get me to fall for her. And she could do it quickly, like in minutes. I knew she had a boyfriend and lived with him, but I didn’t care, because she made me feel awesome. I felt like the man. And besides that, the conversation with her was always deep and wide ranging, and we would frequently smoke cigarettes and have these cool little sidebars. So she appealed to me on an intellectual level and I also felt like I was on the “inside” whenever we were together, like we were sharing something apart from the hubbub of the party scene. It was a powerful, irresistible package. It took me from zero to “head over heels” like that.

Our Last Encounter: So, for our last encounter, we were hanging out at a holiday party and Nancy pulled me outside for a smoke. She bounced us into a bar and we did a shot together, which she paid for. She was acting girlfriendy the whole time. I was having a blast. Then, she wanted me to leave the party and go home with her. I completely wanted to do this, had done it before, but couldn’t. I blocked her chick game because I was supposed to meet another girl I was dating and some family members for another party. I just couldn’t ditch the other girl, although the temptation was massive. She told me she respected me for sticking to my guns.

I haven’t dated in awhile, but when I do date, part of me wishes that women would act girlfriendy, because then the dates would be so much more fun. Guys would feel awesome and we in turn could act like men and make you feel awesome in return. But, I get it why chicks can’t act girlfriendy. The guys will fall in love with you and get douchey or try to sleep with you too fast, which you don’t like/want (most of the time). So then we have dates that are super boring or full of gamesmanship. This is one reason why I think players and highly skilled social artists have a big advantage, because women can feel free to run their game without the guy really falling in love. The player will recognize it for what it is, which is a flirtation that’s part of a great evening. If it goes somewhere, fine, but if not, the player can shrug it off.

I miss Nancy, don’t regret a thing, and I’m glad she’s married and has a kid. Here’s to you, Nancy.

  • Mr. R

    If you say you haven’t dated in a while, did things fall through with your girlfriend?

    And your post reminds me of my girl. My girl is one of those social, extroverted, girly girls who has awesome chick game. When I’m with her, she makes me feel like I’m the man. It’s a fantastic, intoxicating feeling.

    I only had mid-level kung fu, and she’s more like master black-belt in that arena. I didn’t have a chance. :)

  • Honey

    It is super important to STAY girlfriendy, FOREVER, if you want to keep the guy. Jake has a list of pros and cons that he presented to his last girlfriend when he broke up with her. On the list of cons were making mean/insulting/sarcastic jokes at other peoples’ expenses (especially his), not taking his advice, always needing to be right, not being flirtatious or playful in their physical interactions (not necessarily sex), etc.

    Considering how miserable his job is, I think it’s very important (and relatively easy to do) for him to come home to someone who demonstrates appreciation of him in every way.

  • Honey

    I think he means he hasn’t dated because he has a girlfriend, though I wondered about this too.

  • Lance

    Jake presented a list to his ex when they broke up? How did that go over? Why exactly did he do that?

  • Kate

    I think that if a girl has to force herself to “act girlfriendy” then she probably isn’t ready to be in an adult relationship – and you (as a man) shouldn’t be bothering with her.

    Treating a man as a man should be a woman’s innate desire when she finds someone she feels is worth dating. She shouldn’t have to put on an act in order to get and keep a man around, because a real relationship is based on mutual respect and love. Personally if I love and respect a a man I automatically strive to “make him feel like a man” …

    If anything I’ve been accused of being too touchy/feeley/flirty and a total nympho in most relationships. But, maybe that’s just me…

    I guess my “girlfriendy” ways may be why I’ve never had a problem keeping a man around… now if only you had some tips on how to get them to go away when the relationship is over instead of trying to hang on by their fingernails until we’re both miserable, Lol.
    .-= Kate´s last blog …Swinging Horrors- Take One =-.

  • Honey

    He did it a) so he wouldn’t forget what he was talking about because he was nervous, and b) because she was an accountant and made lists and spreadsheets of everything throughout their whole relationship, so he figured it was language she’d understand. I’ve seen the list and the “cons” are 4 single spaced pages and the “pros” are less than half a page. They stayed broken up, so I’m guessing it didn’t go over well.

  • Nellie

    What does “girlfriendy” mean? How is it done? Please explain. You don’t really say so in your post.

  • Lance

    A list like that would be a major slap in the face, no matter your profession, especially for women who experience those things more on the emotional side. I can’t recommend that. Stick to a few major points and cut it off quick and clean.

  • Honey

    Well, I agree and I don’t think he’d do that now, he was 25 at the time…and very angry. He finally decided he had to break up with her when he knifed the bottom of her expensive conditioner so it would all leak out without her knowing why.

  • Lance


  • Honey

    Well, and I do think the list was also retaliation for the fact that he had brought up everything on it as something that he was unhappy about numerous times, in neutral circumstances, over a period of almost 3 years. So nothing on the list was out of the blue (or shouldn’t have been). Ha!

  • Denise

    Excellent blog entry…I agree with the strategy but also with the downsides. ESPECIALLY in on line dating when you’re first meeting someone in person. If you’re not into the guy, then it would be pretty mean to act like that if you don’t want to see him again. At least that’s the way I feel about it…

    But if I do like a guy, all bets are off! This girlfriendy thing is called ‘flirting’ in my world, and it is the BEST part of interacting with a man. Not only does it boost his masculinity, him reacting to my flirting totally boosts my femininity!

  • Denise

    Take a look at the 4th paragraph, I think Lance does a great job in giving specific examples…hope that helps!

  • Amanda

    I too would like to hear more about girl game. Actually, from reading Lance’s posts, I would love to hear from him if there are references he’d recommend that are appropriate for women. I don’t really care (lately) about scoring sex, I have a guy for that, but I’m bored and would like to read some ideas for adding the emotional charges and such to flirting.
    I’ve met a number of great guys recently (after a long string of douchebags) but I am frustrated with why some of them there is just NO chemistry with, even though they are what you would call super “high-value”. On paper, exactly what I want, or any girl would… tall, dark, sweet, not-clingy, top education and professions, yaddayadda.
    I miss the charm when it isn’t there though, and I feel like I’m losing mine as well. I don’t want a ton of cynicism and PLAYER game, I’m over the using totally shallow guys for sex thing. But I’d love to hear you and Honey talk more about girl game with the purpose of having FUN. (Not misleading.)

    I love to flirt, and when I am comfortable I am naturally a touch oriented person, but it is tricky b/c:
    a) people sometimes read things so far, far out of context… As an extreme example, years ago, college age, I jokingly sat on a male friend’s lap when we were in a big group trying to squeeze into a bar booth. I was just being silly, trying to make a newer member of the group feel included in our silliness, we were both there with our SOs, and yet he thought I was trying to indicate I wanted to have sex with him and so did his CRAZY GF.
    b) as an adult (early 30s) who doesn’t really like to go out and to get plastered often, and is new to her area, it feels kind of difficult to find an opening/setting where it’s comfortable to be flirty

    Well that got long and rambly… anyway, fun reading your blog(s), thanks! :)