How Important is Sex in Your Relationship?

Okay, serious question. If you’re in a relationship or even just dating, how important is the quality of the sex? I’m looking for some no-bullshit responses here.

Let’s use a thought experiment. Let’s say your girl is near perfect in every way, except the sex is only a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10 for whatever reasons. Very very average, nay even mediocre. Would you stick with it? If so, why or why not? I can’t in my right mind consider staying with a chick if the sex is that…boring…even if everything else is wonderful. Especially if it’s long term.

On the flipside, what happens if your partner is a 10 in the sack, where 10 is absolutely “mindblowing,” and the rest of the relationship is kinda lame, say a 5 again. Not corrosive, but definitely not great. I could stay in that relationship for a good chunk of time. At least a year. In fact, I’ve done it several times. In fact, my last real girlfriend, Megan, was exactly like this. The relationship was not good but the sex was amazing and we stayed together far longer than we probably should have. That seems so important. (Even worse, I would nail her again at the drop of hat…)

This might be a good question for the older members of the audience to answer. Or anyone.

What it comes down to for me is this. If the sex is exciting, inspiring, fun, easy and open, and multi-orgasmic, that’s what I need.

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If it feels like work, is often tedious, feels weird for her (or me) afterwards, and no one gets off, why the fuck bother? Is great companionship worth boring sex? Or vice versa? And how much work are we supposed to put in to make our boring sex good, or good sex fantastic? Is it our job to help our sex partners get better or should we only look for a good match in this department?

I think orgasms are important. I’ve had some amazing insane gorilla sex in the last couple of years, as detailed here, here, and here. In a couple of those sessions, I’ve been so inspired and so amped by being with my partner, we did it for hours, she had upwards of 20 orgasms, and I had 5-6. That’s a lot of orgasms. That’s a lot of fucking. I want to give her orgasms, I want her to enter the multi-orgasmic state, I want her to play the slut role and the submissive, and I want her to feel like a dirty little girl in the sack. Because it makes me feel like a man and it’s a hell of a lot of fun. But if I can’t do those things because she’s not into it or she can’t define her own role in the fantasy, is it my job to bring that out?

If mindblowing sex is important to you, you might also like these fine posts:

  • Nicole

    Great post, came at the right time (no pun intended), as I’m pondering the same question myself. The answer probably changes as you age?? I’d also like to hear from people who have been in a long-term relationships for a while now.

    I think it ultimately depends on the couple/person and how important sex is for them. I know a happily married couple (married for 5 years, dated for 3 years prior) where the sex isn’t a huge deal. And others where they wouldn’t stay w/ a person with whom they have mediocre sex.

    Anyway, my current situation fits into the former category. Wonderful, spectacular boyfriend in every way imaginable except for the sex. Sex isn’t horrible, but it’s about a 5. Is it worth it to break up just for that?! Well, I’m also a few years older than you (I imagine you’re in your mid-20s?), so I’m not sure if that makes a difference. I’ve never been able to orgasm 20 times (you kids are wild!), but w/ a different man in the past, maybe 3-4 times? With my current guy – often times, 0.

  • http://www.singleinoz.blogspot.com Singleinoz

    Lance

    You have to get out of my head… How do you do it??

    I have been seeing a guy for about 3 weeks and we spent the weekend together for the first time and I ended it via email on Monday… the sex was that bad… he had major insecurities (one being he would not kiss with tongue WTF??) and I thought i could teach him (haha… who was I kidding… i did the whole he just hasn’t been with the right woman..) But nope he was not the least bit interested in even trying to learn… I did get him to stick his tongue in my mouth once and surprise surprise he actually wasn’t that bad. Tried to get him to do it again and he actually said “i will never be comfortable using my tongue its just weird….” BTW he is turning 30 this weekend…

    Sexual compatibility is very high on my list of requirements but so is personality etc… I have never been faced with a 10 w sex and a 5 for everything else.

    How on earth do these guys end up with me… can’t I just have someone normal for a change?

    (oh and he found my twitter so i have had a name change..)

  • http://www.ultimateboxingbags.com Boxing Bags

    Of course sex is important but in any long term relationship over the years sex is going to fade if you don’t get on as best friends then it isn’t going to work IMHO

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    I will do my own posting on this, but…

    1) Having been with someone coming up on 4 years, I think that sex (and companionship, if you’re being really honest) is sort of tidal in a relationship. Sometimes it’s the most important thing and it’s easy, sometimes it’s annoying or not something that you’re interested in. I think for the relationship to really work, though, both things have to be easy significantly more often than they’re not.

    2) I think that sex is (or should be) *more* important as you grow older, not less. I think sex is automatically sort of the most important thing when you’re in your 20s because you don’t have other things – LTRs, careers, kids, accomplishments, a personality – to compete with it. However, I think it’s lazy and an excuse to let those things overshadow sex as you grow older. I think sex should remain an integral part of your identity. And Nicole, while I actually can’t remember how old Lance is, I will say that I’m 30, we used to date, and I do NOT date younger ;-)

    3) I’m not sure what you mean by “the slut role” or “dirty little girl,” but it doesn’t sound what I am looking for in sex, nor does submissive. I want to feel powerful and worshiped during sex. Even when fulfilling some of Jake’s kinkier fantasies, like watching me pee, for me it’s in the role of almost the granter of wishes, secure in the knowledge that he’s never even TOLD any of his past partners about these desires, let alone dared to dream that he would ever be with someone who got off fulfilling them.

    I have realized that so much of my sexual identity has been wrapped up in that role that I perhaps am not getting everything out of sex that I could, and that I have fantasies and demands, too. Jake and I were talking about that last night and coming up with ways to make that more balanced.
    .-= Honey´s last blog …How Important is Sex in Your Relationship? =-.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Lance

    This should be a good jumping off point for a couple of posts, at least, on sex, but what I was referring to somewhat Steve Pavlina addresses wonderfully in his last two posts. Topic: Dominance and Submission: http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2010/01/domination-and-submission/

    The sex fantasy that I’m looking for is close to a D/s relationship, maybe a light version (?), and she’s got to get off on being the submissive while I dominate her. A component of that is releasing her inner slut, which can be a POWERFUL way to increase the intensity of interaction. The best sex I’ve ever had has come when these two roles are clearly defined and embraced by both parties. Those 20 orgasm sessions were when they were the most sharply defined.

    Of course you get off on feeling powerful and worshipped during sex…you’re a virgo!!

    I agree with your pts 1 and 2.
    .-= Lance´s last blog …How Important is Sex in Your Relationship? =-.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    If listener is hanging around, he has a TON of experience with D/s – not only IRL, but as someone with an intellectual bent who’s read a lot of the literature.

    Jake definitely enjoys moving me around to whatever position strikes his fancy, in a sort of bodily way that doesn’t involve asking my permission. Anything that is slightly kinkier, though, he feels more comfortable with me initiating, since none of that stuff is really my bag and me initiating reassures him that I’m okay with what’s happening.
    .-= Honey´s last blog …How Important is Sex in Your Relationship? =-.

  • http://hammer86blog.com Hammer

    I’m a little confused by this question. I don’t get into (monogamous) relationships with people where the sex isn’t a 10. That said, I also don’t get into relationships where the other stuff isn’t a 10 as well. There is a simple reason for this. I am not a pilgrim. I do not settle.

    There’s really nothing else to say. If you like hanging out with this girl but you’re not happy with the sex (or vice versa), hang out with her as much as you want to AS LONG AS it doesn’t interfere with your desire and/or ability to find other girls. Also make it clear that this is the type of relationship you are interested from her, and if that’s not alright, next her.
    .-= Hammer´s last blog …Borrowed Game =-.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Lance

    @Honey: D/s is way more intense than that, it’s a pure sexual master/slave relationship. You will do this NOW, absolutely anything I say. You might rebel or “misbehave,” which causes me to punish you, which is also accepted, but secretly you (the submissive) WANT the punishment because it’s pretty kinky. I’m a light version of that so I’m probably describing it poorly, but when done right, you’re deep into the fantasy and the orgasms flow and build.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Oh, I know, I was just clarifying our style. Jake would be hugely uncomfortable with D/s, as would I to be honest.
    .-= Honey´s last blog …How Important is Sex in Your Relationship? =-.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    I think there is a huge difference between something/someone being a 10 and having the potential for a 10. For me, nothing can ever be a 10 because that implies that there is no work left for either party to do, no way to improve, nothing to strive for.

    Jake is both the best sex I’ve ever had (and he told me that I was the best sex he’d ever had before it ever occurred to me to tell him the same) as well as the best and most compatible relationship I’ve ever been involved in, but I wouldn’t give us a 10 in either category.

    Part of this is that we’re both flawed human beings, and part of it is because I have absolute certainty that we’ll continue to evolve our relationship (both in and out of the bedroom) into something even better.
    .-= Honey´s last blog …How Important is Sex in Your Relationship? =-.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Lance

    Read the Pavlina posts…heck, forward to Jake. He talks about breaking out of comfort zones in the context of sex by using D/s. There’s a lot to it in terms of potential for growth. My sex style is almost completely different now from what it was when we (you and me) dated…and I had to experiment for a year to break out of the old way.

    I’m going to go out on a limb and just say this, but it could be the key to you having orgasms.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    I’ll read more of Pavlina’s stuff, but I read most of the post you linked to above and didn’t find it especially profound.

    Jake and I have a list of a bunch of stuff that we have not done together that we are going to try and incorporate into our sex life very soon, or things that we have begun to explore and would like to expand upon.

    I guess we’d rather focus on things that each of us has always fantasized about but never incorporated into our sex life fully, rather than something neither of us has ever had the slightest interest in. So our “learn and grow” schedule is pretty full for the time being :-)
    .-= Honey´s last blog …How Important is Sex in Your Relationship? =-.

  • Shannon

    Hmm, well…let’s put it this way. A lover can be your friend, but your friend can’t always be your lover. If sex wasn’t important at all, then why not just marry your friend? ;)

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    A lover can’t always be your friend, either, though. If companionship doesn’t matter at all, then why not just marry the first person who’s decent in bed regardless of whether you have anything in common? ;-)
    .-= Honey´s last blog …How Important is Sex in Your Relationship? =-.

  • Shannon

    Unfortunately, many do.

    But getting back on point, I never said companionship doesn’t matter above. In terms of relationships (which I would not count one-night-stands or flings as part of), yes, if the relationship is sexual, the couple get along great and do things together, then how does not that make them “friends?” I can’t count how many times I’ve seen couples gush (especially on Facebook) “They’re like my best friend.”

    But my original point is that if there is no sex as part of the equation, then your relationship is comparable to a platonic one even if any feelings/affections may not make that comparison completely accurate. A relationship without good sex seems to me like cereal without milk or a home theater system without a television…something’s missing.

  • http://www.thebeautifulkind.com/ The Beautiful Kind

    Every person deserves to have their physical and emotional needs met. SO MANY relationships offer one but not the other.

    I know so many men who have a great wife, good partnership, they love each other, have kids, travel well, have a nice house, but the sex is lame.

    The men try to come to terms with this arrangement, but eventually, after a few years of this, they stray, and seek out some strange, either as an affair or with prostitutes.

    Meanwhile, I know SO MANY women who are with men who don’t know where their clit is, no matter how many times they are told. The women stay with the men for economic reasons, but seek out good sex elsewhere.

    SO MANY couples are mismatched. SO MANY couples stay together out of habit, convenience, children, or financial reasons. OR THEY SETTLE because they think they won’t get anything better.

    It’s almost impossible to get everything you need out of one person. Humans are not naturally monogamous. We need to accept this so we can share our desires open and honestly.

    I have incredible chemistry with my current partner, and we have an open relationship. We are not sacrificing anything or changing ourselves for the other person. We accept each other for who we are. He knows I want to eat pussy or have big black dick from time to time, I know he wants to explore other women and try new things, too.

    We are absolutely getting all our emotional and physical needs met, and it feels fucking fantastic. We have the best of both worlds – a loving, supportive partner, as well as the thrill of exploring new people.

    We feel bad for all the people we know who are unhappy and struggling. We do our best to help them find happiness and think outside the cage. Work the kinks OUT!
    .-= The Beautiful Kind´s last blog …You Are The Beautiful Kind: Wraith =-.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    I think it’s easier to improve the sex than it is to improve the companionship.
    .-= Honey´s last blog …I Got A Half Chub Listening To This Chick Talk About Drunk Sex =-.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Lance

    @TBK: Love it, I’m with you 100%, thanks for contributing. I’ve been grappling with that exact sentiment for some time and you articulated it beautifully.

    I encourage everyone to read TBK, one of the sexiest blogs on the ‘net:
    The Beautiful Kind
    .-= Lance´s last blog …I Got A Half Chub Listening To This Chick Talk About Drunk Sex =-.

  • http://katwilder.com Kat Wilder

    Sex is a really important part of a great relationship, but just part of a great relationship. Like anything else, there has to be a balance, and no one should “settle” for an either/or thing.

    Yes, sex changes when you’re been with someone 10, 15 years, but if it wasn’t so great to begin with (and your partner’s not willing to try to improve), where can your sex life go?

    If you’re looking for a long-term partner, good sex is one of the considerations — neither the whole shebang nor the “oops, almost forgot about this” afterthought.

    Unless, of course, both people aren’t all that sexual, in which case, well, they’ll join a bowling league together or something …
    .-= Kat Wilder´s last blog …Forget sex, let’s cuddle =-.

  • http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog Evan

    Great question, great points. I’m tackling this on my blog today and have a slightly different take than most of you – except for Kat.

    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/the-girl-is-great-the-sex-not-so-much-2/

    While you should not suffer thru horrible sex…sex is actually something that can be improved over time…Plus it makes up a very small percentage of one’s relationship. It’s very reasonable to marry someone who is not the “best” of all time. If you think your spouse must be the “best” in bed, then you’re most likely going to have to suffer in myriad other ways.

    Which is why Hammer’s going to be single for a very long time if he’s holding out for 10s across the board. But that’s another blog post for another day.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    I think that there are usually 3 big components to a relationship: companionship, sex, and the raising of children. And, like any hugely important decision based around 3 things (healthcare: affordability, accessibility, quality) you can have 2 out of 3. Any 2 out of 3, but ONLY 2 out of 3.

    Jake and I don’t want children, which in some ways made things harder when we were looking for someone to spend our lives with (since most people want kids). However, I would argue that it’s even harder to find someone compatible in all areas when you do want kids, because there’s so much involved in that, and so much at stake (the lifetime welfare and happiness of someone who’s not even around yet).

    While Jake and I are highly compatible both as far as companionship and sex (while seeing neither as perfect and continuing to work on both in a conscious way), if we were interested in having children, I think we’d have to break up. We have RADICALLY different ideas about everything from conception (I would ONLY adopt from another country, and he would ONLY want his own biological child) to issues of freedom (I wouldn’t let any child get a car until s/he was 18, while he would probably want to buy his child one outright), to issues of finances (I would never chip in a dime to send my child to college, while he would want to pay as much as possible).

    Lance, do you want kids? And do you use that as a screening criteria?
    .-= Honey´s last blog …More Love for Match.com: How Rihanna Met Her Boyfriend (Video) =-.

  • http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog Evan

    Based on your comments, Honey, I think I’d marry Jake before I married you. :)

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    That’s only because you see his views, not the reasoning behind them, Evan ;-)
    .-= Honey´s last blog …More Love for Match.com: How Rihanna Met Her Boyfriend (Video) =-.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Our actual differences on those issues (with the exception of adoption, and that’s because there’s a 50% chance that I would pass a terminal illness onto my own offspring) wouldn’t especially concern me, as I think they’re both just extremes on the spectrum and compromise would be absolutely possible (I’d be willing to compromise, the opinions above are my opening offer though I have thought about the reasons behind them A LOT).

    The fact that he scores in the bottom 2% of human beings regarding his ability to be tolerant of anything that isn’t his personal ideal is of far greater concern :-)
    .-= Honey´s last blog …More Love for Match.com: How Rihanna Met Her Boyfriend (Video) =-.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Lance

    @Honey: As of today, I do not want kids, and actively disqualify partners who strongly want children. I wouldn’t be opposed to fostering or adopting in the future, perhaps in 2-3 years from now. Most women that I date are a little cloudy on the issue of children–they say they want them, but they’re not against NOT having them either, so I haven’t run into any snags with this. Interestingly, it’s the much younger chicks I date (early 20′s) that say they REALLY want kids and it’s the 30-somethings that are blahsy. Maybe the health issues?

    Like you, I have an issue with bringing children into an overpopulated world. What I really have a problem with is bringing children into a world when I have absolutely no way to support them at a reasonable level. I come from family where we went through some really rough times and it’s fucking hell. I would never want that for my kids.

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