How Important is Sex in Your Relationship?

Okay, serious question. If you’re in a relationship or even just dating, how important is the quality of the sex? I’m looking for some no-bullshit responses here.

Let’s use a thought experiment. Let’s say your girl is near perfect in every way, except the sex is only a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10 for whatever reasons. Very very average, nay even mediocre. Would you stick with it? If so, why or why not? I can’t in my right mind consider staying with a chick if the sex is that…boring…even if everything else is wonderful. Especially if it’s long term.

On the flipside, what happens if your partner is a 10 in the sack, where 10 is absolutely “mindblowing,” and the rest of the relationship is kinda lame, say a 5 again. Not corrosive, but definitely not great. I could stay in that relationship for a good chunk of time. At least a year. In fact, I’ve done it several times. In fact, my last real girlfriend, Megan, was exactly like this. The relationship was not good but the sex was amazing and we stayed together far longer than we probably should have. That seems so important. (Even worse, I would nail her again at the drop of hat…)

This might be a good question for the older members of the audience to answer. Or anyone.

What it comes down to for me is this. If the sex is exciting, inspiring, fun, easy and open, and multi-orgasmic, that’s what I need.

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If it feels like work, is often tedious, feels weird for her (or me) afterwards, and no one gets off, why the fuck bother? Is great companionship worth boring sex? Or vice versa? And how much work are we supposed to put in to make our boring sex good, or good sex fantastic? Is it our job to help our sex partners get better or should we only look for a good match in this department?

I think orgasms are important. I’ve had some amazing insane gorilla sex in the last couple of years, as detailed here, here, and here. In a couple of those sessions, I’ve been so inspired and so amped by being with my partner, we did it for hours, she had upwards of 20 orgasms, and I had 5-6. That’s a lot of orgasms. That’s a lot of fucking. I want to give her orgasms, I want her to enter the multi-orgasmic state, I want her to play the slut role and the submissive, and I want her to feel like a dirty little girl in the sack. Because it makes me feel like a man and it’s a hell of a lot of fun. But if I can’t do those things because she’s not into it or she can’t define her own role in the fantasy, is it my job to bring that out?

If mindblowing sex is important to you, you might also like these fine posts:

  • Honey

    Jake and I differ. The reason that Jake doesn’t want kids (although he’s not blind to the health issues we both might have or the overpopulation issues) is because, while he could easily support a child, he doesn’t want to spend money on anything other than the two of us.

    See, the reason that I wouldn’t pay for a car or college is that my parents were insanely poor and couldn’t afford to, and I had ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEMS being successful on my own without their help. So I think that if you hand your kids anything they’ll never work for it.

    The reason Jake would pay for both (if he had kids) is because part of the reason he stopped speaking to his parents 2 years ago is that they never bought him those things when he was growing up and he was always jealous of his friends. Dudes, he is 30 now and STILL holding that grudge despite having a terminal professional degree and making excellent money.

    But actually, he is more anti-child than I am, because despite saying that in the hypothetical he would want to do those things, he has admitted that in the actual he would resent spending that money on the child just as much as he resented his parents for NOT spending it.

    I wouldn’t attribute women in their early 30s as being too hung up on the health issues. I think they are just old enough to know what they really want, whereas women in their early 20s don’t know any better than to hop on to the traditional train because they haven’t been exposed to enough life experiences to have a real sense of their options, and having kids is “safe” in the sense that no one will ever judge you.

    That was a bit tangential – the bottom line is that if you’re drawing a system flowchart, and when you get to the “do you want kids?” question and say “no,” there’s nothing else on the chart. If you say “yes,” then there’s an infinity of other questions that you have to answer more or less the same to be compatible. Since you’re not super interested in having kids, then you just need to find someone else to say “no” to that one question and you can worry about the sex and companionship issues, which most people are significantly more malleable on anyway. In other words, you’ve got it easy :-)
    .-= Honey´s last blog …More Love for How Rihanna Met Her Boyfriend (Video) =-.

  • Lance

    @Honey: I’m a Gemini so we don’t really do system flowcharts. But it’s worked out the last 3-4 women I’ve been serious with has had only passing interest in children. I agree with you about the younger chicks being on the mainstream mass media bandwagon. 2.5 kids, white picket fence and all that. Just from my dating experiences in the last few years I’ve noticed the girls are opening up and becoming flexible about the notion of having children, ie they’re falling off the bandwagon. That’s a limited sample size but larger than most peoples my age.

    For the record, if I did have kids, I would support them every way possible THRU undergraduate college. I think it’s ridiculous not too. Life and college education is far too expensive to go it alone and no one makes any money until your 2-3+ job after graduation. I absolutely would not want my offspring to be saddled with huge student debt while at the same time trying to make it in real life. We’re relatively lucky because we went to state schools where costs are lower…but suppose we went to a private or an Ivy and we had to pay back $250k while making $40k at our first job. Fuck that.

  • Honey

    Hm. My undergrad was totally paid for via merit scholarships, if you can’t pay for college that way I’m not sure you should go. I think in that case it’s a better idea to work for a few years and save up some money.

    I’d let a child continue to live with me if they were working full time and saving money for college, though I’d probably charge “rent” and then keep it in a separate bank account and refund it to them when they got admitted somewhere, though I wouldn’t tell them I was going to do that because then they might not be motivated to save as much.

    I’d pay for trade school for a motivated child before I’d pay for tuition for a child to go to a regular college if they didn’t even know what they wanted to major in.

    I have $100K in student loans and make $40K per year and am able to meet all my financial obligations comfortably. I would like to move up salary-wise eventually, because currently I’m only contributing ~$220 per month toward retirement and I’d like it to be closer to $700-$1K per month. But then again, I only plan to semi-retire (I’ll always work at least part-time, I think) so if I’m not ever quite that aggressive then I think I’ll be okay.
    .-= Honey´s last blog …More Love for How Rihanna Met Her Boyfriend (Video) =-.

  • Lance

    Dude, you’re totally insane. Listen to what you just said. Do you realize that the % of would-be students with full coverage scholarships is probably a miniscule %, like less than 1%? How about the peeps who *only* get a 3.5 GPA, those kids are bright as heck but they’re still not getting a full ride. What are you going to do with all those other 10s of 1000s of students who aren’t valedictorians? They ain’t gonna be able to work at real jobs…because they don’t have college degrees! You know this. And working for 3 years in a restaurant won’t even come close to a savings amount for a college tuition, that is if the drugs and booze don’t get you while you’re wasting away in a bar environment in your early 20’s. I’m blown away because you work at a univeristy…
    .-= Lance´s last blog …More Love for How Rihanna Met Her Boyfriend (Video) =-.

  • Honey

    Well, if college is that important to them they can take out loans.

    I’d just want to take the gamble out of it, since it’d be my own potential retirement savings that I’d be using, and who knows if they’re just using my money to avoid working?

    I’d also be open to a child taking out the loans in his/her name, and then if they finished in 4 years (plus or minus a reasonable margin) and got a full-time job after getting out, I’d make their loan payments for them. Though I wouldn’t tell them that in advance, either.
    .-= Honey´s last blog …More Love for How Rihanna Met Her Boyfriend (Video) =-.

  • Single Mom Seeking

    Wow, what a dialogue here! I’m still trying to figure out how all of you transitioned from having great sex… to paying for your kids’ college.

    Hmmm, so now the issue is: how can you BOTH have a hot sex life… and put your kids through college, too? Yes?

    Anyway, I appreciate the responsibility shown here about having children: because no two ways about it, raising a kid costs A LOT of money.

    And our lovely American education system just isn’t what it used to be, with generous scholarships and breaks on state schools.

    I admire how Europe and Canada seem to make every possible effort to ensure that kids will have every chance to go to college. Don’t you?
    .-= Single Mom Seeking´s last blog …Why love is possible =-.

  • dadshouse

    First off – I think great sex is very important in a relationship. But a relationships that only has great sex just doesn’t fly for me. Likewise, if one lacks great sex I’ll end it immediately. Do you need 10s across the board, like Hammer suggests? Um… no. You’ll probably never find that. Check out Lori Gottlieb’s new book about ‘Settling for Mr. Right’ for more on that

    As for paying for college – my daughter heads off to college next year, and she’s looking at pricey private schools. Her mom (my ex) and I are paying for our daughter’s education all the way through undergrad. It’s nuts not to! Education is so important. I attended a state school undergrad, and a private school for grad, so I’ve seen both ends of the academic and financial spectrum. My career successes were all due to my schooling. My parents paid undergrad, and for grad school it was a mix of loans, work, and scholarships.

    Oh, and crazy good sex is a must in grad school, or you’ll go crazy.
    .-= dadshouse´s last blog …Hungry For You =-.

  • Honey

    Really the bottom line is that no one should be allowed to have kids unless they can prove their financial ability to send the child to college on their dime before the child is even conceived :-)
    .-= Honey´s last blog …More Love for How Rihanna Met Her Boyfriend (Video) =-.

  • Offwinger

    Interesting post.

    1) I think of D/s as being more of an orientation issue than about “good” or “bad” sex. Just like some people are oriented straight or gay or somewhere in between on the spectrum, people are oriented all over the D/s continuum. Those who are closer to either extreme more strongly need to find a compatible match for their D/s orientation.

    2) I would rather have awesome sex less frequently than average/mediocre sex more often. To me, it is a balance between desire levels (in terms of frequency) versus quality of the experience. Awesome is not about time of the experience, though. Fast and slow can be awesome.

    3) I think it always takes a little bit of time to see what the “true” sexual nature of a pairing is like, in terms of quality of experience, frequency desired, and other needs/desires (D/s orientation, kinks, etc.). I use the term pairing, because it need not even apply to relationships. It’s easy for new to be hot without a lot of effort and with less expectation on the quality end.

    I’ve ended a fuck buddy situation when a strong attraction + apparent compatibility on desire could not emerge in a good fit for frequency desired and, more important, quality of the experience. Essentially, the build-up was all there, but the sex was more meh, though not bad. After giving it enough time, it became clear that it wasn’t going to get *better* and wasn’t worth the time to continue. If anything, the build-up became less enticing, because I knew what the payoff was. If there is no relationship, there really is no reason to keep a fuck buddy with meh sex; it means it’s time to find another option.

    Bottom line: It takes a little while to find the true baseline of what the sexual pairing would be like, in or out of the relationship. Make sure you’re judging it once it’s sorted itself out. After that, I got nothing on what you should do about incompatibilities in the bedroom. For me, it would be setting myself up to cheat. But YMMV.

  • Janak

    I guess if it’s important to you it’s important and if it’s not it isn’t? Sorry to be so banal, but I think that’s what it boils down to. Obviously you’re pretty highly-sexed, but a lot of women (and men) really aren’t.

    Personally, while I’m hoorah for sex, and like you have stayed in relationships in the past for over a year only because of the sex, it’s like second or third on my list when considering embarking upon a relationship now. I guess I just can’t be bothered putting up with boring idiots just because fornicatory gymnastics, you know?
    .-= Janak´s last blog …China does a condom advertisement =-.

  • HappyDude

    I would take a “10” relationship with “5” sex over a “10” sex and “5” relationship. However, if the sex starts falling into the 3-4 range the math starts changing real quick.

    Also complicating things is the question of frequency. How do you compare a woman with whom the sex is excellent but infrequent to someone who is rather straightforward, a little dull, but happy to give head or have sex any time you like it?

  • Lance

    HappyDude, the equation you referenced in your first para is the one I’m grappling with now. For me, 5 is just too boring, too vanilla. If it were 10 and 7, no sweat, I’m in. I would sacrifice two points off my relationship though to bump the sex up, so an 8 and 8 would be doable. But who knows. Like Hammer said earlier, I’m looking for the 10 and 10.

    Your frequency question: that’s easy for me. I would be TOTALLY happy with 10 sex if it was only 2 times per week vs. higher frequency and mediocre sex. I had that relationship last year and the sex was darn near perfect.

  • Home Theater Power Conditioner

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