So from writing my last post about banging a chick other than my girlfriend, and the subsequent comments, a question has popped into my head that I thought was worth giving it’s own blog post.
It goes like this. I’m in this relationship for half a year and everything is great EXCEPT the sex is lousy. Every commenter suggested the first step towards dealing with this dilemma is to talk with her and communicate what I’m feeling and thinking. Great. In my mind, what exactly does that talk accomplish? I see three scenarios: A) The talk is going to accomplish nothing and possibly lead to breakup (possible), b) She acquiesces 100% and somehow lets me do whatever I want sexually (highly unlikely), or c) we compromise and meet somewhere in the middle (likely).
When I hear compromise, I think that we’re changing for each other. I’m all about change. I love change. My question is this: how much responsibility should we have for changing our partners, or perhaps a better way to phrase it is how big a part do we take in the change process? Should we even be trying to change our partners at all, or should we simply move on and find someone more compatible?
Her sexual values are different from mine. They’re not better or worse, they’re just different. I call it vanilla, she calls it normal. She thinks my sex values are freaky and a little weird. I think she’s immature sexually and unawakened. Who’s right? Is it my job as her boyfriend and her loved one to make her see the light about what my perception of great sex is? Is it her job to convince me that anal sex and money shots are disgusting and disrespectful? Should we be compromising on these issues or just agree to disagree, which is what we’ve been doing.
That’s a huge dilemma I have. I want this relationship to work and I want to have rockin sex with Heather, but how far do I go to bring her to my side. Or, perhaps I should just stay on her side and live in the realm of what I consider boring sex. I mean, the relationship is great and maybe that’s a worthy tradeoff. I’ve had several people, offline and online, suggest that I just live with the boring sex because excellent companionships are hard to find and sex is transitory. That to me is a shitty compromise. Sex to me is like eating and breathing and I refuse to have a shitty diet and breathe bad air. There’s something fundamentally wrong with that.
I think I can have a talk and tell her about my experiences and what I think is great sex. I can show her the porn I like, the books and blogs I read (except this one), and buy us sex toys. When is it too much? When does it become her responsibility to figure out how to orgasm from penetration and not just masturbation? If I draw the line somewhere, and it’s not enough, then what? We break up and maybe that trauma becomes a change agent for her to find better sex, but maybe it doesn’t.
For me, there’s no question that I’m more attractive, a better lover, and a better boyfriend because the breakups I’ve had have caused me to change. Those change agents were powerful and I’m glad they happened, but goddamn they were painful and it took YEARS. Can I in good conscience inflict that on her or would it be better to let her be and find her own path, whatever that is. I know she thinks fleetingly about having multiple orgasms and about getting fucked by a huge black guy, but will she ever go for those things unless I push her? Is it right for me to do that pushing in the first place?
One last thing. I’ve been re-reading Way of the Superior Man, which is like the best book on the planet, and our sexual polarity is screwed up. I’m hyper masculine in the bedroom and she’s neutral, like vacillating between fem and masculine, and I’ve noticed that her neutral vibe has the effect of moving me towards neutral. When that happens, no one gets off. How do you even talk about that kind of shit? How do you talk about any of it and not have it be bullshit?