About the Author

Honey's main interests are online dating, long distance dating, and long term relationships. She met her boyfriend on MySpace and they have been exclusive since their first date over three years ago. Currently they live in Tempe, Arizona. Honey graduated with her PhD in Composition and Rhetoric in May 2009. You can contact Honey via email here or online here.

Honey’s Greatest Hits: The Guy Who Said I Gave Him Herpes

This is probably one of my funniest dating stories in retrospect, though it was not funny in the least at the time!  As I mentioned in a recent post, after Lance and I broke up “officially,” I hooked up with two guys in 24 hours.  One of these guys was someone I had known for about 2 years who I had always had something of a mutual crush with.  He was by then working for an academic publishing house, though I’d met him when he was a graduate student in history.  His name was Evan.

Since we’d known each other for some time, and also because he knew I was moving, it was pretty clear (even without telling him all the deets of my recent breakup) that this was a pure hookup situation, NSA sex.  We used a condom, it didn’t break, nothing weird about the encounter at all except he did speak Portuguese fluently and there was a lot of sexy talk I didn’t understand but which turned me on pretty effectively.  A couple of weeks after our date, I moved to Arizona.  Then he called me a month later,

“Is there anything about your sexual past you need to share with me?” were the first words out of his mouth.

“Ummm…no, but I am guessing there is something you’d like to share with me?”

“I have herpes and you’re the only person who could have given it to me.”

Since it had been less than a year since my annual exam and full STD workup, and since Lance was the only guy I’d been with during that time prior to Evan (I slept with the third guy after Evan), I was pretty sure that I couldn’t possibly have given him herpes.  However, now (apparently) there was a pretty significant possibility that he’d given it to me.  After some awkward back-and-forth where I denied having herpes and he insisted that I had diseased him, the phone call ended.

I went to the student health center the very next day, only to be told that if I was not exhibiting any symptoms (which I was not), then I needed a blood test and I would have to wait at least 3 months after my possible exposure before they could be certain that the results were conclusive.  So that pretty much put the brakes on any immediate dating in my new town.  Lame.

But I waited (or, I should say, freaked out on a daily basis and subjected my lady parts to near-constant scrutiny with a hand mirror) and then went in for the blood test after the appropriate amount of time had passed.  The result: I have the cold sore version of the virus (which I knew), but not the genital herpes version of the virus (um…which I also knew).  So, armed with clinical evidence that I was not a dirty whore, I called Evan back.

“Hi, Evan, it’s Honey, I was just calling to let you know that my herpes test came back negative.  I don’t know what to tell you except that it couldn’t possibly have been me that gave it to you, so I guess you’ll have to think a little harder about your recent activities.”

“Oh, that!”  Chuckling.

“Um, WTF do you mean ‘oh, that’?”

“It turns out I was allergic to my detergent.  No worries!”

I spent the next ten minutes reaming him out.  For, you know, not calling the person he accused of diseasing him to let her know she could have sex again.  For self-diagnosing his “herpes” instead of going to the doctor (which it turns out is what he did, because he was “embarrassed” – um, dude, I think you should be embarrassed about being a complete fucking douchebag idiot). 

He had no excuse for the self-diagnosis (though I did offer the helpful judgment that if he was too embarrassed to go to the doctor and be honest about his sexual history, then he probably would get herpes or something worse at some point).  As far as not calling me, he said that he’d had “a lot of family stuff, you know, drama” going on and just couldn’t spare ten goddamn seconds to leave me a phone message, pencil-dicked bastard.  Then I did the only thing any self-respecting 24-year-old girl would do in that situation:

I called my close friend, Jana, who worked at the same publishing house as him, told her the whole story, and suggested that she feel free to pass along to anyone who might be interested that Evan had recently had a herpes scare.  I’d just moved across the country, after all, so the liklihood of me working there or meeting any of those people was slim to none.

Though, ironically, Lance’s next girlfriend after me also worked there and was also friends with Jana…Jana gave her my contact information and the girl either called or emailed me to ask about why Lance and I broke up and if I would recommend dating Lance.  Lance, do you remember who I am talking about?  In a spectacular show of goodwill considering the circumstances of our breakup, I told her that Lance was a great guy and that I highly recommended him.  Which is I think why he took me out to dinner that December when I flew back to Florida for the winter break, and also probably why it wasn’t a date.  So, karmically, I think I emerged even from that one :-)

What’s the worst scare you’ve ever had?

  • Jax

    I don’t recall any scares for myself but have a sort of sad ‘funny’ story about a friend of mine…

    In our early twenties, my closest friend and I took a trip. A camping trip to Lake George NY. I had been a few times, other years, different people, she had never been. Ironically, I happen to run into two men that had also been camping the previous year at the same time I was there, it was one of those eerie in your face life moments. We all chatted and the men decided to go camping at the same time, go figure!
    One of the men, Wayne, was a sax player. The other, Freddie was a tad hung up on himself, that made him amusing. Wayne invited us to go with him to Albany to watch his band, we accepted. Wayne I was interested in, so I hadn’t even considered scoping out the bar like my friend that was with me had. After a few hours of being there she approached me and asked if she could borrow my car, she wanted to go with some guy to a party. Setting the story for you, she was 20 and a virgin. The guy was actually cute, I handed her my keys “be nice to my car” and off they went.
    The next day she shows up with the guy at my hotel room. Not with my car though. They crashed it.
    It took more than two weeks to get it repaired.

    After the car repair we headed home.

    Within a week she isn’t feeling well…she decided she better go to the Drs. Poor thing.

    Venereal Warts, which had to be burned off. She couldn’t walk properly for 3 weeks. YEP, her first time ‘out’ and she got VD!! OUCH! Wrecked my car and got VD. She couldn’t even call the guy because she had forgotten his name!

    I felt terrible for her and also felt so, so lucky, I was a little promiscuous back then and well, never encountered anything untoward.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Lance

    I certainly do remember that gf you’re referring to, I don’t recall that she contacted you for a reference, although it’s been many years. Thanks for the positive ref, you had no good reason to do that at the time. That relationship was great but the sex was the pits. She’s happily married now and locked into a life of vanilla sex. Feel likeI dodged a bullet.

  • http://demetershouse.wordpress.com Demeter

    LOL, what a dumb ass.

    I only had one scary moment, and it was in my early 20s. A guy and I were about to have sex and I noticed several small sores on his penis. I said something along the lines of “WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!!??” and he tried to tell me that it was nothing, that the sores show up and go away and then he’s fine–no big deal. Ugh, it was a HERPES OUTBREAK, you dumb ass.

    He didn’t understand why I refused to have sex with him, even if he used a condom. Gah.

    Thank god it was daylight, or I may have never seen the sores. To this day I prefer to have sex with the lights on ;)
    .-= Demeter´s last blog …Struggling with Mortality =-.

  • http://www.idatewhite.com Eathan

    wow.. I’ve only had one major issue recently. Of course my scare has taken a little bit of a twist (which I’ve written about). But I woke up to a woman who decided to give me the herpes disclosure like the morning after pill. Of course she had a weeks to tell me previously to the night in question. Thanks god I’m not only symptom and disease free.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Haha, apparently she felt like she dodged a bullet as well. I got this email from Jana: “She says that he’s a deeply damaged individual who has trouble opening up even the slightest bit and always seems like he’s acting a part rather than being himself. When they were dating, she used to say he was a robot :)
    .-= Honey´s last blog …Keep Things Fresh In The Bedroom- Imitate Porn NSFW =-.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Lance

    Well maybe if the sex better I would have opened up more.
    .-= Lance´s last blog …Keep Things Fresh In The Bedroom- Imitate Porn NSFW =-.

  • http://www.aplusonlinedating.com/ Aplus

    What an a-hole, I wouldn’t touch him with a 10 foot pole after that.

  • Napalm

    Let me get this straight.

    You hook up with two dudes in 24 hours after breaking up with your boyfriend (very classy, by the way), then get mad at one of the dudes for possibly giving you one of the herpes simplex virus’ (the other one you already have), yet it never crosses your mind that you could have infected him with YOUR virus?

    Wow.

    Maybe you should stop and consider the fact that, in your hook-up escapades, there’s a good chance you could have infected your partners with the virus that you carry.

    That’s not to say that herpes is a big deal because it’s really not. It’s just a silly skin virus.

    But people in glass houses should not thrown stones. And yes, you’re in a glass house. You carry one of the viruses. Don’t get mad at someone else for their lack of courtesy when you show the same to them.

  • Honey

    I’m sorry, there’s something “not classy” about a single gal freely expressing her sexuality when she’s using condoms and has been tested for STDs every year?

    Like 80% of people have the other virus. It’s not even worth worrying about, like HPV.