About the Author

Honey's main interests are online dating, long distance dating, and long term relationships. She met her boyfriend on MySpace and they have been exclusive since their first date over three years ago. Currently they live in Tempe, Arizona. Honey graduated with her PhD in Composition and Rhetoric in May 2009. You can contact Honey via email here or online here.

Honey on Sexual Compatibility

Hey, all, Lance asked if I would come out of my bloggy retirement briefly to weigh in on sexual compatibility and what it means for Jake and I.  Happy to do it!

First of all, I don’t think physical attraction is the same thing as compatibility.  There have been times I thought it was, right up until the moment I started to get down and dirty with a guy, only to not be into it at all or (even worse) repulsed by the whole thing.  Which is not to say that the guy was repulsive, or that he wanted to do anything repulsive, only to say that for whatever reason (pheromones, maybe?) we just didn’t do anything for each other at all. Talk about awkward, ugh.

Now, of the not insignificant number of guys I’ve slept with, only two really stick out in my mind as those that I had an instant and strong sexual compatibility with.  Now, I’ve had good sex with other people; what I mean when I say sexual compatibility is that that as soon as we were actually having sex, there was this instant feeling on both our parts of ohmygod. It was very clear that not only did sex somehow just feel better with this person than with anyone else (as in, we fit together perfectly and sensation was totally heightened), but also that we were somehow feeling the exact same sensations as each other – each movement had exactly the same impact on each of us.   It seems so special and so rare not to have to ask the other person what feels good because you know instinctively that what you feel, the other person is feeling.

One of these fellows was named Hyacinth, and the other was Jake.

Now, does sexual compatibility mean that we are exactly alike?  Of course not.  Jake likes watersports and porn, while I could pass on both.  I like to have sex more frequently than he does, and I also like a lot of the flavored things and sex manuals and games that he thinks are cheesy.  But the bottom line is that we are so completely physically in sync when we have sex that it eclipses any other sex I’ve had, and that aspect of things has gotten better the longer we’ve been together.  We’ve had conversations at this point to confirm and inform our instinctive sexual compatibility, so I’m sure :-)

Part of what is interesting about this is that, for me, sex and orgasms has always been almost purely about the physical.  I don’t fantasize when I masturbate.  Jake and I don’t do Dom/sub things, or role-playing, or dirty talk, or anything like that.  We don’t have sex when we’re angry.  When we do fight, we also don’t have makeup sex.  We wait until our dynamic is back to normal before getting back in the sack.  It’s always an expression of love, taking turns doing the physical things that we know feel best to the other person (because we know).

Obviously our companionship is great, too.  I have noticed that about half the sex we have occurs when we are just hanging out, talking, watching TV, or otherwise spending companion-ship style time together.  Then there will be this moment where we’ll be completely conversationally in sync, and then one or the other of us will raise an eyebrow and glance toward the bedroom, and then it’s off to the races (literally, since we race to get to the bedroom and shut the door before two cats and a dog try to follow us).

What is sort of interesting is that we didn’t have any sexually explicit conversation prior to (or on) our first date that  I can remember.  I do remember that we talked about Mensa, our grad school experiences, the fact that we both loved animals, that we weren’t close to our families, that we were both atheists, etc.  Our conversation just flowed naturally on the companionship side of things.  Then at the end of the date I asked him to come inside (he told me later he was totally surprised and not expecting this)…and we knocked boots with no pre-conversation about it at all.  The amazingness of the physical side of it all was not only unprecedented (I had experienced that kind of connection once before, like I said, and he had never experienced anything like it at all) but also totally unscripted and unaided by script.

Have you ever had an experience like that?  Looking forward to your comments, although we’re leaving Wednesday morning to go to Mexico for 5 days so I may not see them right away!

  • Christina

    Yes! This happened to me, the first and only time, with my fiance. Up until we met, I thought all of that talk about magical chemistry was nonsense- and I’d been married before!

    We also fell into bed upon our first meeting, no sex talk first, it just happened and seemed like the most natural thing in the world. We fit perfectly, in every way.

  • http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com T

    It’s funny because I also noticed this same sexual compatibility with certain females I’ve slept with. I’d only been with men prior. I hadn’t considered it as a HUMAN thing but more as a male/female thing. I think the chemistry is just THERE with some people and not with others, period.

    I also like that you pointed out that it doesn’t always translate to regular-outside-the-bedroom compatibility either. I believe this is also why some people we’re sexually compatible with… aren’t necessarily the best people for us.

    So glad you and Jake fit so well together.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Lance

    Interesting. I can’t say that I’ve had sexual encounters similar to what you’re describing, where there is no talk whatsoever leading up to the actual act, and then the act turns out to be a perfect fit. For me, there’s always sex talk, stimulating of the mind, and that leads to sex…which makes sense to me, being a Gemini. Also, the physical sensation of sex is secondary for me, I actually can’t get off if it’s sensation only without the mental/emo stimulation. Which is like the complete opposite of what you’re describing.

    I agree with your line in the beginning, attraction is NOT the same as sexual compatibility. I’ve been with gals where I was only marginally attracted but the sex itself ended up being fantastic. Hell, I’ve been with gals that I thought were downright *unattractive* and the sex was great. It defies explanation, now that I think about it…

  • http://demetershouse.wordpress.com Demi

    When you said it was an instant feeling on both of your parts of ohmygod, I smiled. Nico and I always say that on our first night together we found the ohmygod.