Honey and Lance – The Breakup
By Honey on Jun 19, 2010 in Relationships
No, not me leaving the blog – the breakup when we were dating! 
Since I soon won’t be posting anymore, I thought that I’d tell you all the story from my perspective (I’d be pretty interested to hear Lance’s as well).
Lance told the story of the original pickup here, and for the most part it’s pretty accurate. The only mitigating factors worth mentioning:
- I was bored stiff on the date I was on. He was a guy in my yoga class that I’d been friendly with for over a year, and I always thought he was pretty boring. Turns out I was right.
- I don’t remember what Lance said when he walked up either, but I do remember that both my date and I were low on drinks and Lance bought me another beer and, like he said, didn’t say anything to my date at all. I thought it was pretty studly
- When he contacted me in the next day or so, he said that he thought my date was totally lame and that I could do better. I agreed, and he asked me out. Nice!
Our first date was a bit of a clusterfuck because one of my cats died that day very suddenly (of a heart condition that wouldn’t have been fixable even if I’d known about it) – when Lance called early in the day to confirm the date, I was still pretty upset. He asked me if I still wanted to go, and I was like, are you kidding? I’m going to get shit-faced! Remember that due to being in the same grad program (and also having had the same part-time job at one point, I still have the employee manual from that job and it was his, it’s got his name on it) I had known him for at least 3 years prior to our first date. We also (obviously) had some of the same friends, so I felt pretty safe with him.
I do remember that we went to one of our favorite bars, Fiddler’s Green, and that I on Lance’s recommendation I had Blue Moon with oranges in it for the first time, and thought it was delicious! I was 23 at the time, and so we didn’t have sex on the first date because I was still in an idealistic phase with guys that I actually thought were relationship-worthy. In fact, I think it was a couple of months before we had sex, though we fooled around before that and I spent the night at his place sometimes. However, we didn’t date for over a year – it was only about seven months. Our first date was December 29, 2002 – a fact which I remember because it is both of my parents’ birthdays, and also, as I said, it is the day that my cat died. However, we were broken up before the fourth of July of 2003.
Why would we break up? We never fought about anything that I remember. In retrospect, however, that’s because I can’t remember either of us ever talking about anything of substance with each other. This worried me a little bit initially, but after we had been dating about three and a half months I found out that I’d gotten into a PhD program in Arizona and would be moving across the country. I was really digging Lance and considered asking him to come with me, but that seemed a bit ridiculous considering how short a time we’d been dating, plus at that time he was really into coaching his sport and for a variety of reasons there would have been absolutely no opportunities in that regard where I was going to be living.
We did chat a little bit about my upcoming move – Lance bought me an Arizona tourist guidebook to read on the plane when I went to visit the campus prior to accepting their assistantship offer – and he pretty much said that since we obviously enjoyed each other’s company, there was no reason we couldn’t continue to enjoy that company up until I left in late July/early August. I agreed, and everything was fine for awhile. Then, in late June, he stopped returning my phone calls.
After a week or two of this I finally managed to get ahold of him over the phone – I don’t remember what he said, but I remember it was totally lame and transparent. I wanted to be flattered that he obviously cared more about me than he’d initially admitted (since that was the only reason I could imagine that he’d freak out at the last minute), but the fact was that I was deeply disappointed by how it all went down.
I know this was right before the fourth of July because I went out with a guy that had had a crush on me for some time on July 3 and we ended up having sex, and then on the Fourth I went over to a guy friend’s house for a BBQ, intending to sleep with him as well (he was an ex of mine) and since he was dating someone at that time, ended up having sex with his roommate. They are among the lamer of my hookups in memory because they were totally motivated by being angry at Lance, not finding the other guys sexy or even interesting.
Despite the fact that I never saw him in person again, the crush guy story actually goes on a bit and is really hysterical in retrospect, but that’s another post
Anyway, Lance and I didn’t really talk again before I left, though when I came home for Christmas we did go on something I was hoping would be a date but that turned out not to be. Eventually we started chatting again over email pretty extensively, and one of my biggest regrets is the time that he was going to be in California for something (a wedding? Help me out, Lance, I don’t remember, it was around April 2005) and he said that if I could get myself out there, that he’d put me up (read: have hot sex with me in a swanky hotel all weekend) and pay all the other expenses while I was there. I was dating someone at the time and said no. The reason I regret this so much is that I broke up with the guy I was dating within two months of Lance’s offer (and it was a breakup that that I saw coming at the time Lance and I were talking). Lame on me 
In September 2005, after we’d been chatting a bit over email for several months, he sent me an email where he recounted a recent breakup and its aftermath, and he ended the email by saying this:
I want to tell you that I am massively sorry about how we ended, as in you and I. I was a coward, and I recognize that. I am shocked that you’ll still talk to me but I am glad that we communicate also because I value you. You’re a good person and a terrific girlfriend and a great lover. I fucked that up. I hope that you can forgive me.
Anyway, our emailing was stepped up quite a bit that fall and in the early spring of 2006 because a mutual friend of ours was moving to Arizona in August 2006, also to pursue the same PhD I was getting. I remember that Lance was supposed to come out to Arizona and help him move/unpack/do general male bonding and roadtripping, but that didn’t end up happening because another friend of ours was in a very serious accident and Lance stayed in Florida to help that friend out. I was torn about his visit out because I’d always carried a torch for Lance, but I’d met Jake in May 2006 and while it wasn’t yet in a place where it could be characterized as serious, I knew on our first date that I liked him more than anyone I’d ever been out with before, and we were already exclusive, if not bf/gf. Well, Lance ended up canceling his trip so there was never any competition for Jake at all.
While I still obviously care for Lance a great deal, given everything at this point, I can’t help but be happy that I’ve ended up where I did. Is this how you remember it, Lance?
e's been coming to Orlando (he goes to UF) for a long time and trying to
hook up with her. This includes while M and I were still going out (say,
starting a year ago). An example: he sent her a dozen red roses for
Valentine's Day and it fucked up my own valentine's plans; I still ended up
spending like $200 on her but we had a big fight that night. Well, basically
he's been a worm and trying to worm his way into M for a long time. I
realized this from the moment I met him and I was always a nice guy about
it. Like, I was friendly, chatted him up, bought him drinks, shit like that.
I figured nothing would ever happen. I figured she wouldn't fall for it.
Well, it turns out that the reasons M and I broke up were bullshit. She left
me because of this dude Matt, not because of the stated reasons. It was
really fucked up. I spent a month in hell, having soul scorching guilt
because of our break up. I blamed myself for what happened. It was all
bullshit. It was this dude Matt, who's a fucking pencil-dicked worm. I got
played. If I had known they were dating or that she wanted to be with him, I
would have gotten over her a hell of a lot sooner. I shouldn't have been
such a nice guy and I should have told this guy Matt to fuck off a long time
ago and to never hang out with my woman. I should have told him that if he
ever showed up in Orlando to see M I would have destroyed him. Perhaps then
this would have never happened. Nice guys always get fucked.
I want to tell you that I am massively sorry about how we ended, as in you
and I. I was a coward, and I recognize that. I am shocked that you'll still
talk to me but I am glad that we communicate also because I value you.
You're a good person and a terrific girlfriend and a great lover. I fucked
that up. I hope that you can forgive me.
-Ben
