About the Author

Honey's main interests are online dating, long distance dating, and long term relationships. She met her boyfriend on MySpace and they have been exclusive since their first date over three years ago. Currently they live in Tempe, Arizona. Honey graduated with her PhD in Composition and Rhetoric in May 2009. You can contact Honey via email here or online here.

Holding Out For 1…

Lance, I have to wonder what the definition of “girlfriend” becomes when you have five of them. Are you celebrating anniversaries and taking them out to five Valentine’s Dinners? I’ve definitely dated multiple people at the same time, but I wouldn’t have called any of them my boyfriends. I have to say at this point, I’m more of the mindset that one is enough for me. You say that there are so many flavors of hottie out there it’s hard to restrict yourself to one…perhaps I’m pickier, but I feel more like it’s hard enough to find one person who doesn’t annoy the crap out of me. The idea of finding five sounds like winning Powerball five weeks in a row. Of course, before I was in my current LTR, this meant that I was more likely to get totally into one person for a while and then never want to see them again. To make my own food analogy, when I was in high school I ate toaster pastries every morning for breakfast for 6 months and then one morning put them in…smelled that sugary filling heating up…and wanted to barf. I don’t think I’ve ever eaten one again.

However, I will admit that the reason I got totally into any given guy before he made my skin crawl was because there was one overarching aspect of his personality, looks, or sexuality that I was really attracted to–something I was willing to (temporarily) overlook all the other crap for. Which makes me say to myself, Honey, maybe that’s why having multiple bf’s or gf’s would work. Whenever you get to the point that one’s positive qualities are no longer overshadowing the qualities that totally suck ass, you can just go out with one of the other ones and put it all out of your mind for awhile. So, in the spirit of having done the multi-dating thing myself, I’ll make my own list. Right after I point out, Lance, that with the advent of birth control that you take for 3 months or more at a time, PMS is so twentieth century. I only have a period twice a year, and that’s only to make sure I’m not preggo.

Since the downsides are so important, I’ll add to Lance’s idea by saying why each bf on my list is impossible to be exclusive with. Here (based on almost 4 years of working the online personals), is my list:

BF1: Active Stud. This guy goes hiking, bikes, goes to the gym regularly, or has some other set of really active habits that means that dates with him aren’t the typical beer-and-fatty-food or some lame movie. I also appreciate that Active Stud is a strong personality who isn’t making up interests to go along with whatever he thinks I like. Instead he is passionate about things he likes, wants to introduce me to them, and is willing to make the arrangements, buy the parking passes or provide the necessary equipment, and drive. Plus, he likely has a totally hot body and makes great arm candy. Downsides: the dates are cool, but the conversation isn’t. Also, guys like this are usually not great in bed.

BF2: Professional Stud. Lance is on to something here. One of the reasons that the Professional Stud kicks ass is that he shows affection through expensive dinners and open bar tabs at hot clubs featuring exclusively top shelf liquor. I personally am a little squeamish about accepting presents, but I guess you just have to put up with it sometimes. Another benefit is that if he is really career-driven, you don’t have to see him that often. Rather than getting my ego stomped on, which Lance seems to prefer, if you’re a girl then you know that Professional Stud can get any girl he wants. Therefore, if he wants you that means you’re arm candy. Awesome. Validation. Downsides: a) you almost have to become high maintenance in order to keep up, and b) these guys expect you to at least pretend to be bi. Also, guys like this are usually not great in bed.

BF3: Disagreeable Stud. This one’s kind of fun if you can take him for what he is. Disagreeable stud has decent looks and is reasonably intelligent, usually above average. You have many things in common, but he has some crazy weird p.o.v. about something (or several somethings) that lead to you having raging disagreements followed by hot sex. Downsides: a) obviously eventually you’re going to get pissed off enough to write him off, and b) the sex has to actually be hot.

BF4: Sizzling in the Sack Stud. This one’s obvious, and usually the toughest one to get rid of once their glaring character flaws become…well, equally obvious. This raises what is an age-old question my best friend and I have been asking ourselves for years: is it better to date someone who’s hot and good in bed but totally sucks otherwise, or someone who is fantastic, gives you what you need emotionally and intellectually, but just doesn’t sizzle where he should?

Also, how do the logistics of all this work? When I was playing the field, I wouldn’t sleep with one until I was ready to hang out with him exclusively for awhile. This was because if I was dating 4 or 5 people, obviously it’s okay for each of them to date 4 or 5 people. This leads to condoms (no fun, especially if you’re going down on a guy), dental dams (even less fun, I’m guessing–I never used one though I probably should have, I have to say that the idea of having some essentially random guy’s mouth near my heehee makes me want to barf), and feeling judged by your doctor by getting STD tests run every 3 months. Once at an annual check-up the doctor asked me my total number of partners and I felt briefly like Samantha on Sex and the City. Another time a guy (he was a Disagreeable Stud who, in his early 30s, was a practicing Catholic with only 5 sexual partners ever) asked me how many guys I’d slept with. Knowing his number, I told him ten and he nearly had a heart attack. All I could think was, thank god I didn’t tell you the truth! Since then I’ve decided that as far as anyone else is concerned, my number of partners resets at zero each time my test results come back clean. How do you handle these issues? I’m dying to hear.

  • http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com Hot Alpha Female

    You know I can see how dating multiple people who totally work out awesome.

    You see when you do date multiple people; your expectation of them to be “perfect” is kind of lowered. You can totally tolerate more from each person because you know that you aren’t going to have to deal with their crap all the time.

    When you are starting to get annoyed with one, just spend more time with the other ones. Great. No pressure. Heaps of fun.

    But see, I don’t know maybe im weird. But I date people because I want to know if they are someone I CAN STAND being with exclusively.]

    I still like to think that, there are a couple of guys out there who are all the characteristics im looking wrapped up in one sexy package.

    To me dating multiple people isn’t a hobby or a full time job; I do it because it’s a sorting process. Its about getting to know the person, seeing if you like them .. If you do you see more or then, if you don’t you drop them.

    So with that said, once I find that there is an unattractive quality in a guy that I can’t stand .. Then I will drop him no problem, even if he has other good qualities about him. Because I know in the end, his bad qualities are going to shite me up the wall sooner or later ….

    Hot Alpha Female


    Hot Alpha Female’s last blog post..The FairyTale Romance – Does It Happen When You Least Expect It?!

  • http://honeyandlance.com Lance

    HAF, thanks for reading.

    I’m a big advocate of dating multiple people at the same time, particularly if you’re a young guy. It has some great benefits, like forcing you to organize yourself socially, squashing neediness, and will basically lead you to the realization that sex & relationships aren’t the end all and be all of life. I think we all have a purpose, and if can get the dating part handled, it’ll allow us to focus on what’s really important.

    When dating multiple partners, I don’t think it’s necessary that you have sex with all (or any) of them. Makes it a lot safer and laid back.

    Lance’s last blog post..Link Love

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  • http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com Hot Alpha Female

    Hi lance,
    well im glad that you mentioned the dating multiple people doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to sleep with any or all of them. I’m an advocate of dating multiple people, because it does give you more choice and it definitely does squash your own neediness. It allows you to get to know someone well enough, before you decide to keep them or drop them.

    What i am not an advocate of, is people using their new learned skills to become a total man whore/player whatever. Im sure some guys love being that .. and whatever floats your boat..

    But what i would love to see … is some nice genuine guys learning the skills of attraction, being able to date multiple girls at one time to get a feel for the whole thing .. and then being able to get the girl that he wants.

    Dunno if that was a little off topic .. but i had to say it … lol

    Hot Alpha Female


    Hot Alpha Female’s last blog post..The Biggest Dating Myth – REVEALED