About the Author

Honey's main interests are online dating, long distance dating, and long term relationships. She met her boyfriend on MySpace and they have been exclusive since their first date over three years ago. Currently they live in Tempe, Arizona. Honey graduated with her PhD in Composition and Rhetoric in May 2009. You can contact Honey via email here or online here.

You Think You Know Someone

A week or so ago the BF and I joined some friends for beer. These friends are newlyweds, and are very funny to hang out with because they didn’t know each other very well before they got married (maybe a year and a half) and are very open as far as telling stories about their sex life and all the weirdness that comes with living with someone (I don’t think either of them lived with anyone prior to moving in together just before the wedding).

(Isn’t love grand?)

Anyway, the bar where we were had a bunch of different board games and things, so we ended up playing Pictionary. It turns out the BF and I aren’t very good at this game, so there were lots of funny pseudo-arguments about how someone’s drawing was awesome and the other person should have been able to guess. One of my last drawings was for the term “punk band” and afterward the BF was giving me all these tips on how I should have drawn the Bad Religion symbol, etc., so that he would have gotten it.

Then it came out that he basically defines himself as liking punk music almost exclusively. I knew he listened to Bad Religion but didn’t know that they were a punk band. I guess The Offspring are, too, which I also learned. He was shocked that I didn’t know these things after dating him for two and a half years.

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I told him that my understanding of the things that he likes to do is determined by how many times he has done them since he has known me. He says that this is not a good measure to use. What do you guys think? Here is a brief breakdown of things that he says he likes, versus how often he has done them in the last two and a half years:

  • Punk Music. Times he has attended a punk concert since I met him: 0
  • Shooting/Guns. Times he has been shooting since I met him: 1 (shooting range in Vegas). Okay, 2 if you count the time our petsitter got her dates mixed up and the BF pulled a gun on her when she came into the house.
  • Offroading. Times he has been offroading since I met him: 0
  • Snowboarding. Times he has been snowboarding since I met him: 1 (day trip, one afternoon)

I maintain that if you really love to do things, then you make the time to do them no matter what your situation. For example, he also really defines himself by loving to gamble, and we have been to Vegas 4 or 5 times since we met, and have gone to the Arizona casinos a bunch, and we play and watch poker at home or with friends quite a bit.

I think most people use my measure. Wouldn’t you?

If this post made you wonder what other people think about relationship issues, you might enjoy:

  • http://www.worklovelife.com Holly Hoffman

    I dunno. I love indoor rock-climbing, but there’s not a gym within 2 hours drive-time. It’s fun, but I’m also not about to plan a vacay around it. Does that mean I don’t love it? I don’t think so.

    What I find more interesting is that this environment brought out a bunch of “things I love” which you’d never heard before. I would wonder why I’d never heard them before, rather than questioning whether or not he really loves them.

    The reason I say that is because many people lose track of those things they love because they are busy with the “business of life” – paying bills, advancing careers, staying fit & healthy, growing deep relationships (ahem). At this time in our lives, it may not be worth it to drop a weekend of QT with our SO after a hard week so you can flit across the country to snowboard. But would you want to sit at a table & define yourself solely by those things you get to do regularly (I’m a great boyfriend who works long hours and doesn’t sleep well)? Or would you rather express those things you hope to get back around to soon (I love to snowboard, shoot guns & listen to punk rock)?

    Holly Hoffmans last blog post..A schedule monger no longer

  • http://honeyandlance.com/contact Lance

    Ooh. Good reply.

    There’s stuff I really like to do but can’t because of budget and time, like mountain biking, although I do bike around the city. If people ask me what kind of stuff I like, I’ll throw mtb in there.

    Music is different, because you don’t have to go to a punk concert to be a hardcore punk fan. I love techno/house/electronic but I rarely go to those concernts, maybe once per year (unless you count local DJ’s on a night out).

    I agree with Holly, I think you CAN define yourself by what you love, especially if you’ve achieved a level of expertise in that area, despite not having done it for a year or two. I imagine your guy knows a lot about shooting, so it’s reasonable for him to say he’s a gun and shooting hobbyist.

    I define myself as a writer, and I love writing fiction, although I haven’t written any since I graduated, which was over 2 years agos.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    These are good perspectives. I guess if someone asked me I would probably qualify and say, “I used to really enjoy….but I haven’t done it in awhile” or “Right now the things I do the most are…”

    I also knew about everything on the list except punk music. Not that myspace should be my main source of info about my boyfriend, but his myspace page says that he likes techno/trance, and doesn’t really say anything about punk. When we are in the car we listen to Deathcab for Cutie about as often as we listen to Bad Religion, so I just didn’t know it was a marked preference of his.

    We decided in the end that it is nice to know that we still have so much to learn about each other even after 2.5 years. It gives you hope that you won’t ever be bored in your relationship. I think that same weekend, I told him a couple stories that apparently I’d never told him before, and he was equally excited to learn new things about me.

    You reach a point where you’ve told all your favorite stories and know all the obvious stuff; one of the real joys of a relationship is getting to know the nuances and the things that you don’t tell everything else.

    Honeys last blog post..I Got Rejected Hardcore At The Cell Phone Store

  • http://www.projectinfinity.me Infinity

    How often you do something shouldn’t determine how much you like it. Proximity physically and mentally are the defining factors.

    I love modding cars, but I don’t have the money to do so. I love video games, but I don’t have the time to play these days. I love basketball but I don’t have the time for that either.

    If you hung out with me for over a month…hell, up to 6 months, you would never know unless I told you flat out just because of how often I do these things.

    But I do understand your logic behind it. Your logic in this case, just sucks :)

    But it’s cool that you were able to find out some new things about the BF! Kind of creates another angle to who he is. And it gives you more gift ideas in the long run!

  • http://20-forty.com/ lisaq

    I think it depends on the thing as the others have said. Music, I think, is more about what someone listens to on a regular basis. Concerts are not always in reach. Life sometimes gets in the way sadly and enjoying the things we love becomes more of a treat than a regular occurrence.

    lisaqs last blog post..The Bitch That Is PMS

  • http://www.theseductionbible.com Bobby Rio

    I would love to poke Megan Fox.. but I don’t thinks its going to happen anytime soon… does that make my love for her less real?

    I love lobster… but i never order is cuz im a cheap fuck… does that make me love lobster less?

    I see your point Honey… but sometimes reality just gets in the way of what we like.

    Do you dislike punk music? Is maybe that why he doesn’t listen to it?

    I know my girl likes Spanish music… but I’ll be damned if she’s going to play that shit in my car…

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Bobby Rio,

    a) loving to “poke” her doesn’t mean you love her,

    b) if you really loved lobster you’d find a way to order it…

    c) I don’t dislike punk music. I love The Offspring, I just didn’t know they were punk. I took him to a Flogging Molly concert for St. Patrick’s day and now he’s telling me they’re punk, too. So maybe we did go to one concert that was punk. I thought they were Irish rock, like the Young Dubliners. I guess the crux of our misunderstanding was that I had a $25/month allowance growing up and didn’t own a CD player until I was 18 or 19. I rode the bus to school and our bus driver played country music. I just don’t know much about any music that’s not within the last 5 years.

    He did say that he’d go shooting a lot more if I went with him. Considering that I don’t approve of the fact that he owns a gun, that’s just not going to happen.

    Honeys last blog post..You Think You Know Someone

  • http://dadshouseblog.com dadshouse

    See, this is why online dating doesn’t work. People define themselves in ways that don’t match reality. (I’m not down on online dating as a tool to meet people. It just shouldn’t be seen as anything more than that)

    dadshouse’s last blog post…Lentil Pasta Recipe – Dream Woman Favorite

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    I agree completely that people’s descriptions of their interests on dating websites are about as outdated as their photos half the time (or more).

    I’m glad that he and I didn’t meet on such a website; I stumbled upon him via myspace, never having used it for dating before or since (same with him).

    Honey’s last blog post…Calling All Bloggers! Let’s Talk Virgins!

  • “M”

    “He says that this is not a good measure to use. What do you guys think? “

    I think that I have – and I think he also has – no idea what he is basing this on. I mean, this doesn’t exactly seem like an “evidence-based” determination to me.

    Seriously, do guys these days just shut their brains off after they leave work? No effort put into their relationships, and no actual thought either. o.O