About the Author

Honey's main interests are online dating, long distance dating, and long term relationships. She met her boyfriend on MySpace and they have been exclusive since their first date over three years ago. Currently they live in Tempe, Arizona. Honey graduated with her PhD in Composition and Rhetoric in May 2009. You can contact Honey via email here or online here.

Finding Our Center Again

My last post got so many comments that I thought it would be easier to address them in another post.  I want to say that I appreciate everyone’s concern and support – just don’t be offended that I’m not taking any of your advice.

Yes, the BF’s had a pretty shitty pattern of drinking lately.  Remember, last year his pattern was to not eat or drink, which is how he got his kidney stone.  Personally, I think that a kidney stone is a way worse health consequence than being hung over, and the fact that last week was almost one year to the day as the kidney stone just goes to show how specific his stress is to the summertime.  He hasn’t had any alcohol since, so we’re both monitoring the situation and going from there.

I’m not calling the AA police just yet, though what is clear is that we need to anticipate how stressful summer will be next year, and put some kind of plan in place before he’s so stressed out that he makes poor choices (because he doesn’t make the same mistake twice, so I can’t even predict what next year’s would be).  This will at least entail scheduling some vacation before his boss takes off so that he’s not left holding the bag.

We have talked about things a little bit and I have stressed several times that I feel depressed and angry and that this will take some time to get over.  Unfortunately, we haven’t been able to spend really any time together – he worked 15 hours on Saturday and 8 on Sunday, and didn’t get home last night until almost 8 o’clock.  But he’s scheduling time off for August and we’re also planning on some more official “date nights” (which we’d been avoiding to try and save some money, but given recent events decided to make a priority).  I think we’re also going to try and make more concrete plans (i.e., set deadlines) for him to get a state or federal job in his field which will have much better hours.

After talking with my best friend, I am thinking that I might get some counseling (we can see them for free through our work) which will simultaneously help me and show him how horrible this whole thing was for me – and maybe we’ll decide to go together a few times.  Or not.  I have to think about this a little more, though.

And he thinks that he’s over the hump at work because the project he was working on all weekend got turned in on Monday, and now he’s making plans to distribute some of his projects to some other folks and give himself a more manageable workload.  They do billable hours at his job, and he has almost twice what he’s supposed to for the month of July, so even if he does pass off some projects there’s no way it’s going to count against him.

I agree with what everyone said that we (since IMO we both do) need to start working out more.  I’m asking for a bike for my birthday and actually live close enough to work to bike in, once things cool off a bit.  He got some bloodwork recently when they renewed his Ambien prescription and his doctor has numerous minor health concerns, so he’s had the official warning to work out more. He is actually afraid of those pills, but his sleep cycle is so demented he has to take something and that’s the only thing that gets him to sleep…we’ve also tried melatonin, Rezoram, Tylenol PM, Simply Sleep, and Xanax, and none of them even made him feel relaxed, let alone sleepy.

As for me, today is my one-year anniversary of having a “real” job, so that’s exciting.  It’s also my supervisor’s birthday (I missed last year because I was being brainwashed indoctrinated informed about the mission of our university at an HR session for new employees) so I brought in a cake and we’ll do that this afternoon.

Any more advice for me?  I’d love to hear it!  Leave it in the comments below, and then check out these fine posts:

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Correction: last year’s kidney stone was in June. So, a little longer ago than I thought, but still summer-related.
    .-= Honey´s last blog …Finding Our Center Again =-.

  • http://demetershouse.wordpress.com/ Demeter

    I loved that you said, “Don’t be offended that I’m not taking anyone’s advice.” You’re in a situation where you need to decide what’s best for you and the BF–no one else can decide that for you.

    You might get a lot out of counselling if you do go ahead with it. I went during a particularly bad point in my sister’s drinking and it helped me make choices that were good for me when it came to dealing with her.

    You’re in my thoughts, Honey!
    .-= Demeter´s last blog …6:19 AM =-.

  • http://casualencounters.com/blog/ Janak

    I like your plan. I worked a state job once. The pay was pretty meh, but the conditions were brilliant. Would a state/federal job in your partner’s field mean a pay decrease? If so, would it matter?
    .-= Janak´s last blog …Mingle2 review =-.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    It will *definitely* mean a pay decrease, anywhere from 20-50%, depending on the city/state we ended up in. This means that an actual move to another job may not be possible until his credit card debt is under control…but even having a plan with deadlines and a budget (now that he’s agreed to use one) will help him deal with the situation he’s in now.
    .-= Honey´s last blog …Finding Our Center Again =-.

  • http://www.beforewisdom.com beforewisdom@gmail.com

    4 summers back I got a case of insomnia that only let me get about 2 hours of sleep a day for almost 2 weeks. Like many people I found that many doctors and so called sleep specialists really don’t know what they are talking about in regards to insomnia.

    I was falling apart and I was scared. I was on my way to making sleep medications a regular part of my life when I found this book. It helped me get off the sleep medications and get back to sleeping normally.

    The methods used in the book are all based on good science and proven practices. The methods are holistic. You will not only sleep better, but you will be a healthier and happier person.

    The “hucksterish” ( intentional? promotional ? ) tone of the book in the first chapters can be improved, but the book is good enough that it is worth rolling your eyes for the first few chapters and reading through the whole book.
    .-= beforewisdom@gmail.com´s last blog …Cats mimick human babies =-.

  • http://www.beforewisdom.com beforewisdom@gmail.com

    You have the right idea Honey. 20 – 50% more pay isn’t good compensation for contracting a major medical condition per year, losing a relationship, and being miserable.
    .-= beforewisdom@gmail.com´s last blog …Cats mimick human babies =-.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Thanks, Demeter! I miss you, which is weird because we’ve only hung out, like .5 times in person :-)
    .-= Honey´s last blog …Accomplish Something to Become More Attractive =-.

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Thanks for this information, beforewisdom – you’re absolutely right that most primary care physicians don’t know jack about insomnia.

    Unfortunately, what the BF has isn’t even insomnia, it’s a circadian rhythm disorder. So his body craves the normal amount of sleep, just from 6 a.m.-2 p.m. instead of the regular time.

    Currently, there is NO medication that adequately treats this condition. On the one hand, this is a pro – because all the most effective treatments are behavioral. Unfortunately, OTOH these behavioral treatments have a 90% relapse rate, so they’re not good solutions either.

    For him, it’s like having 6 hour jet-lag – all the time.
    .-= Honey´s last blog …Accomplish Something to Become More Attractive =-.

  • http://20-forty.com/ lisaq

    One thing I’ve always noticed is that people throw out free advice constantly & are oftentimes offended when we don’t take it. It’s kinda crazy when you think about it especially in this kind of forum where we don’t even really know the people we are advising. Good for you for coming up with a plan that makes sense for and works for both you and the b/f. Only you really know the situation which logically means that only you can find the right solution. You go girl!
    .-= lisaq´s last blog …5 Secrets to Finding Men =-.

  • http://demetershouse.wordpress.com/ Demeter

    LOL. We *must* get a drink next time I’m up the road. Or, wait, maybe with the topics of our recent blogs we should be careful about the drinking ;)
    .-= Demeter´s last blog …6:19 AM =-.