I Woke Up Next To Two Dogs, A Cat, And A Hot Chick

Okay, I had a great little Saturday night. Initially, I invited Kitty Lance to go for dinner at this hot Cuban place (kickass mojitos and ‘ritas), but Kitty was getting over a cold and not quite up for going out. Instead, we grilled at her place and killed a bottle of wine, which was fine because it was a spectacularly nice evening. Umm, what else does this mean? That’s right, pre-extracted, much easier to get my schwervey-schwerve on. Now, if only I could sedate the two dogs who f’ed up my game last time.


The “date” section of the date lasted for what, three hours? Which was totally cool, we had awesome convo about anything and everything. I told probably 8-9 patented Lance stories and they all went over great with the exception of this one Las Vegas story I told where I made out with this skeezy chick at a blackjack table. I sort of threw that one out there just to test her boundaries and see what she would deem funny vs. crass. Well, I took a little hit on that one but easily recovered.

BTW, when you’re on dates 1-3, I totally recommend doing this. Throw some stories out there or make remarks that are a little too edgy and see how the other person responds. You want to know the boundaries of their humor and state of comfort. I think a date that goes too smooth is not desireable…a few wrinkles and rough edges are much more memorable and gives you things to think about. Plus, it suggests that you’re edgy and sexual, and that in fact you are human and you occasionally jackass it up. Importantly, it also suggests that you’re comfortable with the things you’ve done. My test here is the hot tub sex story, which is basically what it sounds like. I’m never sure if she’ll like the Lance-hot-tub-sex story, but I do know that it leaves no doubt about my sexual proclivities.

Here’s a couple of great ways to kill multiple hours on a house date (it’s worth noting we never turned on the television):

  1. Play with online music. We started out by listening to her Rhapsody account, but I introduced her to the joys of pandora.com and playlist.com. Haven’t used them? I recommend both sites. They’re free and registration takes seconds. On pandora you make your own music channels and on playlist you can search and put together rad music lists and share them. We played this game where we alternated songs for each other and it was totally fun. You can listen to my playlist.com playlist here.
  2. Update your myspace page. We searched for cool myspace backgrounds and used an editor to change colors and fonts and stuff. Great fun, and now I have a nice looking myspace page. You can kill HOURS doing this.

We had this one great moment when White Snake’s Here We Go Again played and she was like, “This is one of my favorite songs ever,” and I was like, girl, that’s a fucking dealmaker right there because I love this song. So, as you can see, Kitty is pretty damned cool.

Okay, on to the sex!! If you’re a dude and don’t want to hear about me nailing a chick, fuck off.

The physical escalation was pretty standard. I massaged her back and shoulders, worked my way to her ass and boobs, which lead to serious tonsil hockey, which lead to me taking her clothes off and going down on her on the couch. I did this twice and it was quite lovely. She had a rocking body and I got totally into it. Then, I whipped it out and banged her right there on the couch and it was pretty fucking hot. I did this twice. After the first time I spunked all over her chest and we ended up just rolling around in it on the couch. Oh well! Incidentally, it was like two in the morning and the dogs were passed on the floor. Or maybe they weren’t passed out, but they weren’t giving me any grief about me giving it to Kitty.

We moved to the bedroom, ostensibly to sleep. I banged her FOUR more times in pretty much every position that I could think of and had the inclination to manipulate us into. Again, freakin’ hot. I was shooting blanks by the end. You’re probably thinking, Jesus Christ, six times, WTF? Well, I was thinking the same, I never bang a chick six times in one session. This might sound gay, but I think the reason lies with astrological sexual compatibility…Geminis and Leos have absurd orangutan sex and it’s because they’re perfectly sexually matched. I was so pooped I didn’t even want to have sex any more, but my DNA drove me to it. Who am I to deny the stars and the planets?? As I’ve mentioned before, I had this Leo gf and the sex was the same: crazy, lengthy, hot. Interestingly, my Leo ex-gf and Kitty are exactly the same in their flirting and love styles. Precisely. Kitty even does the same dirty talk, like the same lines and all. It’s bizarre.

If you’re not checking your zodiac compatibility, I recommend doing this immediately and then going to find your matches.

Oh yeah, the dogs got pretty riled up at this point (they were in the bedroom, along with Sparkles the black cat), and we kicked and flung them away whenever they got too nosey.

When I woke up, I was sleeping in a Spike, Fluffy, and Kitty sandwich, with Sparkles surveilling us from the corner of the bed. The dogs got riled up again because they needed to be fed and walked, so I woke Kitty up by going down on her and then I banged her one more time just for good measure.

So that was my date. If I don’t play this just right, I’ll end up with a gf, and I don’t want that. Kitty is pretty fucking awesome though…

  • Me Thinks

    Okay, I now have to find out what one of my “friends” sign is now. We took our occasional makeout session a little too far one night and had what I suspect was an exact replica of the hot monkey sex you describe. It was INSANE and to this day I cannot comprehend how it got so smokin hot between us, surely there is some explanation like genetics or astrology?

    Of course, now I too am in the “please do not want to be my boyfriend” zone, its difficult and I’m embarrassed to say I have sort of avoided him (my “dating” relationship is heating up and feeling somewhat serious in a good way). So… I am wondering if you had a discussion with Kitty about what your relationship “potential” is? Dude and I had this brief talk about how we are FWB, I thought it was clear but that was somewhere between the 3rd and 6th time he banged me so I’m not sure it really sunk in.

    Anyway, just curious since you discussed in one post determining you relationship boundary/limit when you first meet people (which goes against my nature).

    Also – where do you find astrology that truly tells you who provides hot monkey sex? If there is such a thing, I should start astrologically discriminating…

  • http://thedateabledork.typepad.com The Dateable Dork

    Damn, Lance!!!

    First of all, thanks for finally fessing up to the details of your crazy monkey sex! : ) Some of us (i.e., horny single chicks) just love reading about this kind of thing.

    Secondly, SIX times in one date??? Damn!!! I am super impressed, especially considering that this totally beats my dress and heels date from a few months ago in which I think the record was five. Regardless of what you want (if anything) out of this relationship, at least you found a chick with a great sex drive, and there’s nothing wrong with that. : )

    Rock on!!!

    The Dateable Dork’s last blog post..Rock on, Mom!

  • http://honeyandlance.com Lance

    Here are my answers: Kitty is cool enough that I’d be interested in anything from dating to FB to even a gf. The only issue is I’m committed to not having a gf until the second half of the year for various reasons. The main reason there is I want to date around and get more experience (ie get better) before my next LTR. No, we haven’t had any kind of relationship talk, but we do communicate in some form almost every day, and I know she would be up for an LTR. I’m considering having a relationship talk with her after the next date and I will probably try for a FB situation, but I’m still processing all of this. Who knows how I’ll feel in a week.

    If your guy is getting boyfriendy, you might try a tougher talk to draw the lines, but it’s very possible you’ll have to LJBF him. You know what I think works really well? Tell him you’re dating 1-2 other guys so you can’t get in deep with him. That’ll suss out his emotional state pretty quickly.

    I’m actually working on an astrology post, so look for that next week. In a nutshell, what I do is google “gemini leo compatibility” and a host of free sites will show up. Here are two examples:

    Don’t be put off by bad writing or cheesy graphics. There are a TON of insights to be had. My compatibility for Leo is like 95% spot-on. My last gf, who was a Virgo (not Honey), was also nervewrackingly close. Virgos are poor matches for Gems, especially in the bedroom, and I found that out quickly.

    Lance’s last blog post..I Woke Up Next To Two Dogs, A Cat, And A Hot Chick

  • http://honeyandlance.com Honey

    Last night at our two-year anniversary dinner (woot!) I asked the BF what our record was…he said he thought like 7 or 8, but that’s in 24 hours, not one night (we didn’t get out of bed much when we started dating).

    We are a Virgo-Aries match, astrologically not the best but explosive in the bedroom. Our “anniversary sex” last night was on the couch, so I guess we do have some proclivities in common, Lance.

    Honey’s last blog post..I Woke Up Next To Two Dogs, A Cat, And A Hot Chick

  • Jonsi

    13 times in 36 hours. And I was turning her down for more by the end of it…she actually got mad at me for telling her “that’s it, I’ll never get my PhD now. You’ve officially fucked my brains out. I’m too tired to go for more.”

  • http://honeyandlance.com/contact Lance

    I’m going to steal the officially fucked my brains out line. That was the line of the MONTH right there. You sir are a funny mf.

  • http://honeyandlance.com/contact Lance

    Everyone is getting laid. This makes me happy.

  • http://www.mssinglemama.com Ms. Single Mama

    Hmmm… should find out who is compatible with an Aries.

    But I can’t go to that site because I’m too flippin tired to … try to have sex with me six times and I’d punch you. Single moms need our beauty sleep. Now, if it had been in the afternoon…

  • http://dadshouseblog.com dadshouse

    From monkey sex to orangutan sex – Lance is a friggin’ Dr. Doolittle! (Actually, Dr. Do-a-lot is more like it)

    dadshouse’s last blog post..Hotter Than David Archuleta’s Dad

  • Me Thinks

    Lance, Thanks for the reply. I actually did tell my F/FWB in a complimentary form (read: thanks for fucking my brains out for the last 8 hours, but…) that it probably shouldn’t have gone so far since I’m dating someone, even though its not exclusive I didn’t think it was the right thing to do. I heard the wheels turn in his head but afterwards he keeps saying how much he wants to go out to dinner (read: date, not friends going out). So I have been rather evasive since. I hear you, probably will have the LJBF talk (ick) when I see him next.

    So, I hear you are saying this chick Kitty (tee hee, nice name) is cool and you are just happy to ride the wave where it takes you, but do you not think you could be passing up a great thing if you try for a FWB thing and avoid dating/gf just so you can get more experience? I realize my perspective is different than yours but I just wouldn’t want to NOT continue on current path and see where that goes if it has potential.

    Thanks for the astrology links, I poked around a little. Interesting stuff.

  • Me Thinks

    Wha??? I’m a single mom and would rather give up sleep for sex any time.

    I can sleep when I’m old, I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to get laid as much then.

  • http://honeyandlance.com/contact Lance

    Yes, it’s totally possible I’ll lose a great LTR with Kitty if I go for the FB thing, which is what is giving me pause. I’m out of town for the rest of the week, so I’ll ponder it a bunch, and we’ll do at least one more date before I make a decision. She’s great, so I don’t know yet. I do know I want to be a relationship badass, and I can’t achieve that until I get more experience dating and meeting people.

  • http://www.idatewhite.com Eathan White

    I agree with sign compatibility. I’ve been talking about that for a while. I haven’t finish my research, but as soon as I get more info..I will post about it also.

    Great story!

    Eathan Whites last blog post..No Woman, No Cry

  • http://yankeeinnewworld.com NewWrldYankee

    God Damn….no other words necessary…repeat…damn

    p.s. Kickass playlist btw – you made me like Linkin Park again.

    NewWrldYankees last blog post..Managing a Budget ..part egy (I)